Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

[glassdo]

Please be kind. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm so fucking fed up of mum life.

My kids are two and four and it's so relentless.

I think I must just be so unhappy to be so happy overwhelmed.

Especially my two year old just doesn't fucking listen to a word I say. I can't even get him to eat anything. All he does is cry, scream and have tantrums if he doesn't get exactly what he wants.

I'm so angry today. I'm angry. It's another Sunday alone with the kids. It's been another week, dealing with my kids basically alone because my husband works away a fair amount. I'm angry because they don't listen to me ( especially the little one ). I'm angry because I work so fucking hard to keep my house tidy and clean and all they do all day is mess it up.

I am so angry because I feel like everyone thinks I'm a joke and a mess of a human and they can do it better than me. By everyone I mean my in laws, my parents and even my husband. I think he thinks I'm just a bit shit. He has no idea how much it takes for me to keep the house in the condition it's in.

I can't take it. I just want my kids to listen to me. I can't take it anymore

I'm absolutely fuming today.

Just wanted to say it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job in difficult circumstances.

Dd was very similar to your Ds and even as an only child she almost broke me as a toddler.

She's likely ADHD she now thinks.

If it's encouraging she was a dream teen and now a brilliant young adult, many friends with similar 'high needs' toddlers saw a similar pattern.

Also, I meant to say - your son isn't behaving like this because he's a psychopath who's dreaming up evil plots to give you a nervous breakdown, or because you're a useless parent. Two year olds can just be dickheads 🤷‍♀️

(I had one 2yo who drove me to the absolute brink on the regular. I had exactly 3 places I felt comfortable taking him on my own, one of which was Tesco 🤦‍♀️. But he's now a delightful 13yo, who eats a fairly balanced diet, and who can be trusted to go to Tesco by himself!!)

OP the fact that you’re even posting this thread tells us you are a good mum!

If you are unwell then everything is going to be heightened.

Your kids are both at extremely difficult ages and there is only one of you, you cannot physically do everything.

Try and have some time off work if possible.
Perhaps your DH could also have time off and you can sort the house out together and keep it minimalistic.

If you’re worried about in laws judging you, then perhaps keep all of the toys in their bedrooms and let them just play upstairs.
Then just bring 1 toy down at a time to play with.

It is so incredibly difficult and I wish we could give you a magic answer that would make it easier.

What is very obvious though, is that you have a DH problem.

I tried to explain it doesn't need to be sharpened. She proceeded to have a tantrum about it so fine, we can sharpen an already sharp fucking pencil.

So she learnt that by having a tantrum she gets what she wants

It is ok to say no

it is ok to let her tantrum and realise that by behaving like that. - she doesn't get what she wants

there are 5 stages of a tantrum and usually a parent will give in at stage 3 - its only another 2 stages and its all back to normal

dc are broken records and wear you down, but the quicker they realise no actually means no - then the less energy you need

its not easy at first but persevere and in the long run it will be much easier

You sound like you need a hug OP! I promise you it will get better. You have been sick and run down which always makes everything worse. Try to get to bed as early as possible tonight.

You aren’t doing a bad job, you are doing an amazing job and some crazy people even say you will miss these days in 20 years!

For now just try to survive today the best and easiest way possible. Takeaway? Film afternoon?

Tackle the behaviour another day and maybe make another post to ask for tips when you have the mental capacity. Easy one for today is all food stays in the dining room, to avoid extra mess in the house.

It’s really shitty of your husband to not let you have a sleep in. It’s cruel actually.

Why does he care so little about you that he thinks he is more important? I’d definitely let this be a hill to die on OP. It’s really unfair. Especially since you haven’t been feeling well. You need to tell him to step up, and now.

I think this is right OP.

You're focusing on the kids but you're doing great. They're fed and safe.

It sounds like the weight of other people's expectations that are the issue.

Why is your husband getting all the lie ins and not doing any parenting? Who cares what he thinks of your parenting standards, his are rock bottom.! He's not caring for his family's welfare.

What are your plans, are you happy to stay long term with him? Would you be happier working part time or full time and having the kids in nursery.

This current set up is making you miserable so what do you want to change ideally?

I hear you OP - the eating, the toys, the mess. I was constantly tidying things that were spread across the whole of the downstairs. Spent my day on edge trying to keep tidy. Not because I’m anal but because I didn’t want to spend 2hrs at 8pm putting everything away. I broke one day and took everything up to their rooms. Best thing I ever did!! We now have a set downstairs ie Sylvanians for a week or so and I rotate.
It’s given me so much more headspace and the ‘mess’ at the end of each day is one set of toys quickly put into the same box. I’m no longer weeding Lego from play doh and jigsaw pieces.

We can all hear how you are absolutely at breaking point. It's really hard when you're stuck in this situation to see any way to make things better but there might be little things that would help.

Can you get your 2 yr old into nursery (or a child minder) for even half a day more so you could have a few hours to yourself? You might decide to do cleaning or go to the gym or lie in the bath with a book but make it different to the normal grind.

For mealtimes, work out what's really important. Sitting at the table would be great but why not put a blanket (or even towels) on a sofa or the floor? Banana and milk is fine for an evening meal if your DS has had a variety of foods throughout the day. If you offer all healthy food it doesn't really matter what order they eat things.

Rather than get rid of all their toys pack lots away. Just bring out a few boxes at a time and swop them around. Even if they're all tipped out it won't be as much.

Sort one thing out at a time - either sort his behaviour or sort the meal times - don't try to both at once - probably tackle the behaviour first and keep feeding him anything he will eat - then tackle the food items at a later date

Mine are 3 & 5. My husband has been away since Wednesday for work and isn't back on Tuesday. It's been hard keeping on top of the basics and the constant "mummy" "mummy" "mummmmmmy" is giving me sensory overload. I think I feel worse today as they usually sleep through but were tag teaming last night on middle of the night wake ups (DD was pain and DS night terrors). I sympathise as the weekends are just the worst. We live rurally so even a trip on a bus somewhere isn't especially simple. Alongside my husband both my divorced parents are also away on separate holidays so I haven't been able to descend on a parent to pass some hours away. Thankfully my grandparents were able to meet me half way at a National Trust this afternoon. It killed three hours with travel there and back. My nan bless her had a clear out and gave us a ton of craft stuff so the kids have been doing this since we've got back. I honestly find getting out the best with kids this age but the anxiety of taking them somewhere is very real. Sending hugs.

Sounds like time of the month is coinciding with a tough week and miserable rainy day. This is life😁.

It'll soon be over, we've all been there and done that. Don't give in, keep going. One minute at a time!

Have you heard of the window of tolerance before? It's our optimum state to be in where we are able to handle stress and come back to a comfortable place. It can shrink during periods of chronic stress. It sounds like you're spending a lot of time in hyperarousal and that's why it feels like you're at breaking point. As someone with a very dysregulated nervous system due to challenges at home, it helped me to understand what was happening to me.

I hope things ease off for you.

Does your husband ever spend the whole day alone with both kids?

You need to go away over a long weekend by yourself and leave your husband in charge so he understands what it's like.

Re mess my oldest was like this and still is - he tears through the house like a hurricane - Lego, pens, everything everywhere. Massive sympathies as until you've lived with a child in a permanent throwing/emptying schema you just don't know what it's like

Food - also been there, we’ve come out the other side! My second has a very sweet tooth. Big shock after first born is a brilliant eater. I gave in and gave them what they would eat. Much to my horror. Choc cereal for breakfast, brioche for lunch, banana for snacks. Don’t beat yourself up and know that your 2year old will not just be eating chocolate and bananas when they’re 18. Be kind to yourself OP.

I would just reply
"We are having water now" so he's not thinking he's getting milk
Bin the cocopops and tell him the shop has no bananas left,he's eaten them all 😂

my son was the same with bloody biscuits-obsessed
i binned them

He can run off to look for them but there are none
Lock on fridge and cupboards
Bring him back and
" we are having pizza, toast, pasta now
If he tantrums just get on with eating

Absolutely. Be kind to yourself. Motherhood is beautiful but absolutely relentless.

He never has. He's maybe done 4 hours once.

And why do you put up with that?

OP, can you check yourself into a hotel next weekend? Let your DH have the DCs all weekend. You have some time just for you; he gets to see what it’s like…

Just one more thing - are you drinking a lot of caffeine to cope with the exhaustion? As I get older I just don't tolerate caffeine any more - it definitely makes me more anxious, on edge and generally "jangly".

Love you are overwhelmed, and the horrible thing is - small children sense this and panic and act up to make sure you know they are there. It's their badly designed survival mechanism. I had SO many days like this when DC were young. They are tough anyway but especially when you have been ill.

I used to put on a film I knew they'd both love, put some plates of healthy snacks out that they also liked (not too sugary in case they get hyper) and drag a duvet down onto the sofa and one onto the floor. Everyone can snuggle under the sofa duvet or roll on and tunnel under the floor duvet and watch the film. Let them make a fort with cushions - no one can get too badly hurt with cushions. Make yourself a cup of tea and take some paracetamol and just allow it to be a tough day.

For dinner - tinned spaghetti with some grated cheese and peas or cucumber and carrot sticks - minimum effort. Banana or yoghurt for pudding.

It doesn't matter what in-laws think of you. Your partner needs to care for them on his own for a few hours each week, to understand why you can't keep the house immaculate.

I did used to take mine out for hours at a time, just to keep the house half-decent. I know what you mean about them tearing off - I was constantly running around after one then the other. But if you don't unstrap them until you are in a closed off playpark or in the middle of a massive stretch of grass, then they can't get far. Once they have burned off some energy I used to do stuff like take them on bus rides to spot diggers or cranes. It filled the endless hours.

You could try church playgroups too. They often have loads of extra volunteers who help mums who are struggling especially if you have two.

I'm in the trenches with you atm, add a 1 year old baby into the mix. You can do this. You can be firm. You get to the point where you won't take shit anymore because you're so angry. My husband is home but does fuck all so basically same as yours being away.

Solidarity OP. I feel the same today. My OH called after his football game and I just cried down the phone.

My two year old is absolutely feral too, he also runs off constantly. I know exactly what you mean about not being able to go to the park on your own. The second he's out the stroller he's off like lightening heading for the exits or whatever mischief he can get into. You just cannot contain him to any one area.

The only thing that makes things just about bearable for me most of the time is the knowledge that it's temporary and will get better. I've been here before with my eldest when he was a toddler, but he's 6 now and much more calm and manageable despite having diagnosed autism and ADHD.

Hang in there. You're not alone.