Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

[glassdo]

Please be kind. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm so fucking fed up of mum life.

My kids are two and four and it's so relentless.

I think I must just be so unhappy to be so happy overwhelmed.

Especially my two year old just doesn't fucking listen to a word I say. I can't even get him to eat anything. All he does is cry, scream and have tantrums if he doesn't get exactly what he wants.

I'm so angry today. I'm angry. It's another Sunday alone with the kids. It's been another week, dealing with my kids basically alone because my husband works away a fair amount. I'm angry because they don't listen to me ( especially the little one ). I'm angry because I work so fucking hard to keep my house tidy and clean and all they do all day is mess it up.

I am so angry because I feel like everyone thinks I'm a joke and a mess of a human and they can do it better than me. By everyone I mean my in laws, my parents and even my husband. I think he thinks I'm just a bit shit. He has no idea how much it takes for me to keep the house in the condition it's in.

I can't take it. I just want my kids to listen to me. I can't take it anymore

I'm absolutely fuming today.

Hi OP! I just wanted to comment to say I totally get it, especially with regards to a feral 2 year old! I have an almost 3 year old son who will NOT sit still and is a runner. He's starting to be able to listen and follow instruction a little more but taking him out on my own now that I also have a 6 month old baby really puts me on edge. We've been staying in a lot and watching too much TV and I feel shite about it.

I've no advice but I understand how you feel and hope you manage to get some rest soon. If you live in North Yorkshire get in touch and we can take our feral kids out together!!

I could have written this post. It’s so tough when you’re doing everything with little help and other people don’t quite understand how you are feeling. Hang in there, take each day at a time x

omg - I feel you. I have 4 yr old and a 2.5 year old and it’s unbelievably chaotic noisy and frustrating! I’ve found my 4 year olds emotions really unpredictable since starting school so I think it just a really hard time for them. Is there any house stuff you can outsource? Can you get a cleaner for example? Oh - and if it makes you feel any better - I also feel like I’m always shouting and regularly end the day in a puddle on the floor.

Have a look into 123 Magic. It's a fab parenting programme that can be used with children from age 2 upwards. Your local children's centre will likely run it. I used it on my son from around 2.5 and as long as you stick at it, it will work!

I think you need to give yourself a break from it all too. Can you book yourself a day out with friends? Or a day on your own if that suits better? Leave the kids with your DH (who sounds like a bit of a twat to be honest) and just go out and have a break. Even better, book into a hotel overnight.

Hope things feel better for you soon.

Youre trying to do too much. I remember these days. Sheer hell. You need to put yourself into survival mode. FUCK the house, do whatever it takes to keep them happy. Give in all the time. As much screen as it takes. All the bribery. You need to keep them and you alive. Stop thinking "should". Think "FUCK SHOULD".

I say this now with a teen and a pre teen who are a total joy, perfectly behaved, healthy, good diets etc. I cant believe they are the same children.

My dp thought i was weak because i couldnt take it. We are divorced now

Oh my lovely, where do I start? You are a national treasure. The house doesn’t need to be perfect, it just need to be “good enough”.
if in-laws et al expect more, hand them a list of things to do or better yet, get them to babysit!
Your tank is on empty, hire a sitter and go to the pub, the salon, your favourite shop, etc. Fill that tank, then fill it up again.
Please feel better soon 🫂

Your in laws can fuck off

Your husband is a twat

As the saying goes, you have a husband problem

We had an extremely difficult time with DC2 and my DH really stepped up to play his part

I'm sure your kids are lovely but this age is HARD work and we aren't meant to do it alone

You need a break and you need it soon

Book your 2 to into more nursery or tell your H you are away for a day this weekend

Book a safe space like soft play in advance every week so you know you have that safety net

Find a supportive friend to take the kids out with so you have someone to share the load

If you have money, get a cleaner, mother's help, au pair, temporary nanny, whatever to make your life a bit easier

I actually agree with throwing the toys out. My child was always happier and calmer with fewer toys and more open space

Ugh solidarity OP. It's tough and you are in the trenches. 2 and 4 is TOUGH, especially when the terrorist 2 year old doesn't want to play by any rules. I swear I spent the whole of the Reception year in fight or flight mode. It's HARD, and grating and exhausting and just bleugh with no break or help. Your anger is reasonable.

I know right now, in this moment, this doesn't help but I promise this too will pass. Mine are 5 and 3 now, reading your post has made me realise how far we've come even since June! We used to have a lot of days where if I managed to scream into the pillow and not out loud I called that a win. These days we actually have a lot of fun together. Don't mean that in a braggy way, just offering some hope. As I said, when you're in the middle of the shit stop someone saying 'this too will pass' just doesn't make it come quick enough. Sending you strength!!! Hope it improves swiftly xxx

Our house was disgusting when mine were 2 and 4. Food was a shit show. I never took them out alone. No structured play at all. I honestly don't know how anyone can be a perfect mum to kids that age let alone stay sane trying. Reduce your standards massively. Mine are 3 and 5 now. It's amazing how many of the problems solved themselves. They're both doing really well now. Things are a lot calmer and cleaner. My eldest was a very fussy eater but he's pretty good now!

Oh yes should say, I let them walk all over me. Now they're older, we have boundaries, discipline etc..... At that age, I only punished for violence. Anything else I just shrugged.

If your husband or mum gives you a hard time about what you feed the child let them feed him. If he refuses to sit with a muffin simply take the muffin away.

Oh OP I just had to write in support. 2 years ago I could have written your original post. My OH worked away for weeks on end and I had a 2 and 4 year old. I was literally loosing myself in madness just from the stuff you describe. I couldn’t take them out anywhere and keep them safe because they’d run off in different directions. Soft plays were my saviour but even they were draining. The weekends were so unbearably long and my girls were so badly behaved everyone thought I was a terrible parent. I wasn’t but people are quick to forget (or block out!!!!) how shockingly awful having young kids is - especially on your own! Do what you need to survive - I used to have a treat McDs drive through with the kids eating in the back seat as it was an easy win and got us out the house. Employ tablets whenever you need a break. You’re doing it but it’s completely exhausting and pushes you to your absolute limits. Don’t beat yourself up for loosing it! Find your coping strategies. I bought some loop headphones as my now 6 year old is autistic and screams a lot - screaming in my face I find overwhelming so to cope I pop in my headphones and let her scream it out. Try a reward chart with the 4 year old to get them on side. 2 year olds are savages so you’re going to have to gut that one out until it’s old enough to care 😬 Book in escapes and respite for yourself. I went and stated in a travel lodge up the road on Saturday as I was frazzled and needed a break. I’m much better equipped now to face 4 weeks on my own with the girls. You’ve got this OP. Stay strong and keep screaming into that pillow when you need to xxxx

Gosh what a surprise. Blame the man. Op needs to take control. I know it is difficult. For today stick them in front of the tv. But work out your battle plan for tomorrow. Put food on the table. If they don’t eat it take it away. If they have a tantrum go into the next room or get yourself some ear buds so you can listen to music. Refuse to engage with them until they calm down. Then give them a big hug. Children have very big emotions at that age and the worst thing you can do is let them know you are overwhelmed by their feelings. They need to see you as a solid rock who is there to talk to them gently when the emotion has passed.

Granny of five here. I feel your pain. This is what little kids of 2 do. If you are feeling tired or ill the frustration of it will drive you round the bend. He’s not doing it on purpose . It will pass as they grow up ( to be replaced by another , but that is for another day!). It’s fine to let the housework go and just get thru the day, put the telly on, give him whatever he wants to eat, if he’s actually eating it & not just yanking your chain! But you need help. Husband needs to be reminded they are his kids too. Have you asked grandparents? friends? Anyone to relieve that boredom and frustration for a bit. We’ve all been there. That’s what the feminist novels of the ‘70’s were about!

I don’t want to be patronising but you do need some time out. The behaviour your child is displaying is partly due to your response, you are clearly at the end of your tether and probably responding disproportionately, as a result your child feels out of control and distressed. Sod how your in laws, parents and husband feel about things, you need a break to calm yourself down and reset everything. It’s crazy you can’t take two children to the park, put boundaries in place, take them to the park, if he runs off put him in his buggy and go home. If he won’t sit down to eat, take the food off him until he’s hungry enough that he will. But do it all without shouting, getting cross or telling him off, simply tell him what will happen, calmly and quietly and don’t discuss it or argue. Just follow through and put up with the tantrum, in the long run you’ll win and your children will be better behaved. We’ve all been where you are, don’t let anyone tell you your a bad mum, your just worn out. Good luck.

Really ? Such a big difference at 3 and 5 compared to 4 and 2 ? That's great !

I don't understand it either but I honestly feel like I do such a shit job with them computer to other mums. Everyone seems to have it so together.

My routines are pretty loose, as I am pretty sure I have adhd and really really struggle with routines.

The only thing I try to stick to on a school night is an early bedtime as my 4 year old needs to be able to learn etc as she's at school now. My son still naps during the day so he gets that extra sleep. But at the weekend, anything goes. No set meal times really. Sometimes just snacks and a late lunch at 3 like us adults do. My husband often says it's not good and they have no food routine etc. that's what makes me worry about it really.

I'm a really laid back person but feel anxious around all the expectations around how to raise my kids. Also social media portrays mums constantly engaging with kids and you feel bad if you're not doing that. But I just don't always have the energy to be super engaged and thinking up new activities. Also ' get them to help you clean or cook ' I find that SO difficult, which also makes me feel inadequate.

You have unrealistic expectations of young children. Stop worrying about a tidy house and play with your children and try to enjoy them. Take the lead from then whenever it's realistic. Get outdoors whenever you can and let them run about in the park etc.

"Also ' get them to help you clean or cook ' I find that SO difficult, which also makes me feel inadequate"

I remember feeling so hopeless when I saw Liz Earle many years ago smarming about on TV about with her then young daughter beautifully helping to make pesto pasta together, something my two small kids .would never have done - even worse, she was in a beautiful house.

I'm sure some kids can be taught to cook and help at really young ages - I gave up pretty quickly. It was a mountain I wasn't prepared to climb. They learnt to cook when they lived away from home. The youngest is into very fancy foods now - no credit to me. As they got (much) older they ate decent meals.

Oh lovely. You are doing a great job. Suggestions from me a mum of 4.

Don't make food a battle ground. He's eating a mixture of foods, he won't starve. Don't fret it. I lived on ice cream for months as a 2 year old, my Mum dragged us to the doctor who said it was fine.

Limit the toys available. Put some away. If they aren't picked up they go in a bin bag. You can stash them away or give them to charity but they don't get to see them for a while.

Screen time is OK! If it buys you 10 minutes peace to drink a cuppa and reset.

2 year olds can be utterly menaces. You've got to stand firm on safety. But at the same time you need to get them out. Can you take the little one when the 4yo is at school? So only one to keep hold of.

Lower your standards and expectations. Mess is OK, random food is OK.

Can you try some sort of reward system? Visible tokens to put in a box, even a 2yo can grasp that.

Please ask for help! Therapy with your DH. Go to your GP and get some support. Tell your inlaws to stuff it! They can step up or shut up! Talk to your Mum, sit down and explain. Ask her to just listen, it may be that she is doing the whole brave face / stiff upper lip thing because she doesn't fully realise how much you need her.

And when DH is home go out, get your hair done, go for a massage, a walk whatever but make sure he has the kids most of the day.

And finally. The biggest warmest hug. You are a great Mum, be kind to your self and your soul

1. If you think you have ADHD than you probably do. And the kids probably do too.
2. Consider whether you have anger towards your husband which you are then projecting onto the kids and wider situation. If so, you might be better with your kids if you direct the anger where it is due.

Sorry haven't read full thread, but forget homework with Reception child and just read stories at bedtime (or other times). Homework at that age is pretty pointless. And put a high bolt on the door into the garden. You are creating/accepting unnecessary dramas, some of which should be relatively easy to solve.

Get your DH to change jobs so he is supporting you. No way would I be coping day in day out without support with a 2yo and 4yo.

It's commendable what you have managed so far yourself but do get practical support ASAP. We are only human and you have reached your limit and need lots of support ❤️

OP, as a mum of 2 (a 4 yo and a 10m old), I get it, it is very overwhelming and the mum guilt we naturally have is no joke.

I just want to come here to give you a big hug and to remind you that as difficult as the days seem, they won't last. Things will get better each day, the kids will learn and so will we, to do better. You can do it! All the best 💜

OP I have read most of but not all of the thread, but just came on to say...

Toddlers are fucking savages.

hope your week is getting better!
I spent a lot of time fucking about wondering how to be a better parent, how to deal with things better, how to BE better, how to not fucking shout my head off constantly. My DH also works away. So I get it.

But the real answer is just acknowledge toddlers are absolute dicks and a nightmare to handle and it's a really bloody hard slog.
You're doing great.

My kids are similar age, and although they don't have diagnosed additional needs or anything I find that a lot of parenting advice aimed at kids with ADHD seems to work well for mine, or at least make me feel better about things!
I use it for myself too - I wear loop earplugs to drown out the crying and screeching when they're bad so it doesn't overwhelm me as easily.

I magically cope better when I've had a break so when he's away I make him take the kids on the Saturday mornings after he gets back and honestly that couple of hours makes all the difference. Being able to get up and ONLY see to yourself. Bliss. but honestly you need a full day to yourself and regularly til you feel better IMO. Get him on it.

Oh god it’s hard, I felt every word. My 4 year old is an absolute psycho. Everyone thinks she’s wonderful, so funny, chatty and intelligent. They’re right she is, but try reasoning with her and everything is a constant battle. Throw the crawling baby in the mix and my nerves are in tatters.
I never thought I’d see the day when I said I was enjoying being back at work after maternity. Those few days a week when I WFH and the house is totally silent, absolute bliss! I tidy in my breaks too so it both quiet and organised at home. My mental health is so much better.
I understand childcare cost implications but could you work a couple of days a week to get out the house and have a total distraction from being a Mum (apologies if this has been mentioned, not read the full thread)