Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

[glassdo]

Please be kind. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm so fucking fed up of mum life.

My kids are two and four and it's so relentless.

I think I must just be so unhappy to be so happy overwhelmed.

Especially my two year old just doesn't fucking listen to a word I say. I can't even get him to eat anything. All he does is cry, scream and have tantrums if he doesn't get exactly what he wants.

I'm so angry today. I'm angry. It's another Sunday alone with the kids. It's been another week, dealing with my kids basically alone because my husband works away a fair amount. I'm angry because they don't listen to me ( especially the little one ). I'm angry because I work so fucking hard to keep my house tidy and clean and all they do all day is mess it up.

I am so angry because I feel like everyone thinks I'm a joke and a mess of a human and they can do it better than me. By everyone I mean my in laws, my parents and even my husband. I think he thinks I'm just a bit shit. He has no idea how much it takes for me to keep the house in the condition it's in.

I can't take it. I just want my kids to listen to me. I can't take it anymore

I'm absolutely fuming today.

You need to speak to DH, spell out everything you are saying here. He needs to either help more as is, or change jobs so he is at home more. You cannot continue like this, doing everything and then getting criticised by the people in your life who are doing nothing to help!

You know when mine were little and running off in the park I sat down and waved goodbye. When they saw I was taking no notice and not reacting they stopped and that applied to all their activities. Also put playpen in the garden with load of toys and let them get on with yelling and didn’t let them see I was watching from inside the house.Another tactic was to pretend to laugh uproariously and wouldn’t tell them what I was laughing about.Another was to copy them- sit on the floor and bawl and shout and every time they asked what was wrong I’d bawl even louder 🤣🤣🤣

Perfect advice here. Go out for a bit. Big hug 🤗 x

Home alone dad of 6yr old twin girls a 2 and a half yr old boy. Been one-maning it since they were 6weeks old. It's relentless and I think the cycle of getting worn down and tired is one of the most difficult things to overcome. Having a boy is a different experience. He's way more physical, runs, climbs everything, into everything dangerous. Throws himself into things his sisters never would have. He's a little wrecking ball. One thing I've always done with all of them and it's gonna sound daft and I hope I don't get shot down for it is physical play. Wrestling, tickling, chasing etc till they're in the mindset to calm down and make a descent decision almost by accident. Then reward those decisions. Fight the battles you can win instead of just fighting if that makes sense. I absolutely feel the glare of in-laws etc you talk about! My wife has absolutely no idea the effort it takes to keep the place tidy to even the most basic degree. In fact she hates having mess yet happily adds to it herself constantly like we have house elves or something! I love my mother in law but she naturally thinks the light shines out of my wife's behind. And because the traditional roles are reversed, although I'm caring for and moulding 3 pretty awesome children 24/7, I lose points somehow for not also bringing home 6 figures 🤷.

Some days and times are just tough. If one is down another is awake, if one's angry with another the third will pile in for the reaction. Their ability to demolish a clean and tidy space is unreal. Just playing, chairs and rugs upend to become a tent or whatever. It's better the last year or so but still the youngest is a professional wrecking machine. It's so so easy to get in a rut or spiral into just surviving on minimal sleep and praying the day ends well, then feeling resentful that life is just endless days of survival now with what feels like no reward at times other than a clean carpet. What about a toddler group? Or playgroup nearby? It will get better, honestly, you're not a bad parent for feeling that way and you're not alone, you're really not alone X

Oh, I feel for you OP! The main thing that strikes me after reading your post is that it's not you who is shit in this situation. And not the kids either.

Can't all the judgmental members of your and your absentee husband's family help out instead of judging? Is there any way you can leave the kids with their dad for a weekend and have a break? Win-win, a break for you and a childcare lesson for him.

One of the wisest things my mum told me when my kids seemed to do nothing but cry and not sleep was - no matter how hard it is, it's just temporary, they'll stop crying and tantrumming eventually, and they'll go to sleep. Such an obvious thing, but it needs to be remembered in overwhelming moments.

Also, absolutely don't bother trying to keep the house tidy. Nobody can manage that, not ever Marie Condo, as she admitted recently. Kids are designed to explore and make a mess. If it's your husband who expects a tidy house, he's welcome to do the cleaning of course, or employ a cleaner.

Terrible twos are called that for a reason. Your little one has a sibling so can't get all your attention, which probably makes the tantrums worse. It will pass, but for now you need help. Don't try to live up to your family's expectations of perfection. You don't need to prove anything to them. Ask them for help, everybody needs it in your situation. If you're with the kids by yourself 24/7 it will drive you mad.

I hope things will get better soon. Sending lots of love.

OP, I feel your pain.

My DD is 19 months and a terror. She's up on the windows, pulling the handles, in the pantry, raiding it. Last week she had 4 chocolate bars in her gob before I caught her. She's up on tables. Able to open all doors. Can get out the front and HAS escaped twice when I didn't have it locked. She f**ks food out of her chair. Trashes her brothers bedrooms and is able to get out of car seat no matter how tight I have it.
Buggy is a nightmare. Won't stay in it. Wants out. Won't walk.
Doesn't sleep at night. Stays up until midnight. She is HARD WORK and I keep saying she's aging me. I can feel it.
I rely so much on her other brothers to help. I can't imagine how you are doing it with a 4 yr old aswell. At least my boys can take her out the garden or around the block or just AWAY FROM ME.

I could say 'it'll get better' which we know it will, but it doesn't help when every day is bloody long.
I know she'll get better but doesn't mean right now isn't hard.
Just wanted to say you aren't alone & sending you some support 💕💕💕

I feel you. I feel exactly the same. I have a 1&3 year old. I get up for work at 4.30 pick them both up from nursery at 12 and it’s carnage between then and bedtime. I don’t get help from anyone, my family all work full time and most don’t bother seeing them as it is. I’ve never had a day off. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I love it and hate it at the same time 😂

I remember those days! It will get better but it feels relentless.
Two of my friends persuaded me to go to aerobics once a week in the evening with them and I can honestly say it kept me sane. My now ex husband did everything he could to prevent me from being able to go so I found a babysitter for if he wasn't home in time. I had a total of an hour and a half to be normal and it really helped.
If you can - try and grab a regular hour for yourself. Good luck

Sorry, I can’t say anything constructive but I want you to know you are not alone. We have all been there at some point in someway. I swear people think that because you’re at home you just ‘sit around’ all day doing nothing could be further from the truth. Having a partner who works away makes it so much more difficult, you are effectively a single parent but nobody sees it that way. The children are going to push your boundaries but at that time you need your partner there backing you up and putting on the united front against them it sounds brutal but the person who stated children are little dictators is right they will divide and conquer if given a chance. Husband needs to be backing you up, you can’t carry on like this your health is going to suffer.

Your 2 year old sounds like my eldest. She was such hard work until about 4. She is still demanding but much better behaved now that she's able and allowed to do a lot more things because she's older. I look back and think she must have been frustrated - she wanted to get everything and make every decision and resented me being in charge. The constant climbing on everything, running, jumping and tantrums drove me insane. Reward charts worked really well for me - small ish manageable things to get a sticker. 10 stickers would be a small treat like a lolly. 20 would be a small toy from the toy shop. Honestly just remembering simple things like trying to get her to brush her teeth brings it all back. You've got an active, strong willed one but that will hopefully make them a great person in many ways as they grow up!

I feel for you. As you said, you're overwhelmed. I felt like that, it was awful at times.

In desperation I used to put them in their car seats and drive round until they either fell asleep for a quick nap. Then I'd just sit in the car and soak up the silence.

Once they got to McDonald's age, I'd take them there and feed them a happy meal to avoid cooking.

In fact, I think anything that saves your sanity.

It gets better, it's only temporary. 🙏

Some days/weeks/months really are shit.

You sound like you have really high standards OP. That is great (obviously) until it starts to become impossible and self-defeating.

I have 3 little kids and with each one my standards have dropped. My littlest is free reign, basically. She eats whatever/whenever, plays, watches TV, makes a mess. I am very laid back, take the easy route, and 'give in' on a lot of things that others worry about.

I care about manners, about balanced diet of different foods (even if there are unhealthy ones in there), about kindness, taking turns, and listening to each other.

I care much less about set mealtimes, screens, mess, rigid learning. These things come in time. My older 2 are doing great.

I have time for myself regularly when I exercise and see friends and it saves me.

On the eating front, two things we do are segmented plates (we call them surprise plates) with a selection of food on them for them to eat as they wish, and secondly we have a little kids table in the family room where they can watch TV and eat some relaxed meals if they like. Other times we'll all sit together as a family to eat.

Good luck. I hope it gets better soon.

You are not a bad parent. You’re exhausted. Understandably.
The children have sapped your energy & your confidence. I suspect your self worth is pretty low. I doubt your family thinks as little of you as you think.
Can you ask them for help? Could grandparents share the load say two afternoons a week? Any other women in your area in similar circumstances?
Your husband needs to step up. Is there scope for flexi time? Tell him he has to take them off your hands for at least one full day at the weekend, either he takes them out or you get out of the house for the day. In fact I’d recommend getting up one Saturday morning when he’s home and leaving the house for the day.
Spending all your time with young children is boring. Find some outlet for yourself.
You’re very hard on yourself. And you have such high expectations of yourself too. It is impossible to keep a pristine house with toddlers. Can you keep them corralled in one room with plenty of toys, tv etc?
If this sounds too much then call a family meeting - grandparents, husband. Be honest and do not feel ashamed or guilty. Lay it out exactly as it is. You must get support or your mental & physical health will suffer.
Finally have a word with your health visitor. Has your two year old been tested for allergies? Has he had any assessment for behavioural issues?
None of this might help. But I hope you find a way through this that gives you a break. You’re doing a bloody good job.

DD lived on weetabix and scrambled egg for about 18 months. Wouldn't eat anything else at all.

I had 3 DC in 5 years. It was really tough at times and I sympathise. Can you split them up. One go to nursery on the days you don't work so you rarely have both?

That's what I did- even when I didn't work one was always at nursery.

What is the most difficult one like at nursery?

Hi OP,
sorry if this has already been said (phone is taking ages to load the comments) but I wonder if your DD school has any support - my kids school have family support workers that will help with behaviour management at home. Also i definitely remember feeling like this when mine were that age and they were 2,4 during the lockdowns so I definitely questioned my life choices! But now they are both in primary school I actually really enjoy ‘mumming’ and I realise now that the preschool phase was just a that l, a phase and to a certainly at time was just something to get through so you can get to the good bits: it will get better!

You are right, it is relentless, but it will get better ❤️

Sorry that you feel like this,as a now grandma I remember feeling like this also. It might not help but take a big breath, your oldest must be going to school in the next year and your 2year old to pre school. It goes quickly and things change. The comments are right, go to the park or soft play or anything for toddlers. Don't be too hard on yourself about the house. Mess can be cleared up but time with your kids won't come round again.Do you have friends with kids the same age, could your partner take them out for a couple of hours to give you a break. Just don't be too hard on yourself.

Tbh small kids are hell.. I think alot of people have experienced the feelings you are describing. If they admit to it or not is another story...

The best thing is to tell someone (friend /in-laws/ relatives) how you are feeling and ask if they can take them for half a day so you can feel human again.

Also book them both into nursery to give yourself headspace.

OP. I see you. I have been there and done that with ppd and an 18 month gap between children and no one seeing that i was dying inside. It is a wild, wild ride. I didn't take the antidepressants because I hate tablets and didn't want to feel worse than I already did but I did go for group therapy through PANDAS - they have branches all over the UK. It was brilliant because (1) I realised that through the chaos and anger I was not in fact insane and that there were other mums having the same battle (2) there were people further through the journey than I was who were getting right out of it so it gave me hope that I too could do the same and (3) there were people having a well worse time than me (cpn involvement etc) and that gave me a bit of perspective about my own journey and (4) it was 2 hours out of my week where i could just breath. Like you I have had to pull myself out of the depths of darkness because I was a mum with two little ones and the sole breadwinner so couldn't have the meltdown that I think I badly needed to have and to this day, im still not sure im totally over it (although that could just bd thd joys of perimenopause kicking in!) as I got myself to functioning level and had to run with it due to personal circumstances. I'm totally not a doctor, but I think you have been let down by the medical profession- you do not get over PPD in 6 weeks. Function yes possibly at 6 weeks but totally healed no. I think you should go back to the doctor or self refer to PANDAS and get some more help. Because I am in no doubt you are doing an amazing job in very difficult circumstances and are a fabulous mum. Give yourself some grace. Fed is best at this stage. Toddler will not die from having bananas every die. There are plates on amazon that have compartments like a snakes and ladders game so you put food in each bit and the treats at the end so the kid has got to eat his way to the end. Might work for your wee one. In any event You can sort the eating out at a later stage when you are feeling more in control. Husband sucks as does your in laws. If in laws berate you for not wearing their choice of clothes tell them people have been so kind with gifts that they can keep them at their house for when you visit and you will be happy for your child to wear them that day. Husband berates you for not clearing up properly, hand him the wash cloth/duster/hoover and say oh im so glad you offered to do this, here you go while toddler and I take a bath. Husband complains you at not doing stuff OK with the kids, hand the child over and say I'm so glad you volunteered to parent your child, I will pop to the shops and get the Groceries in. If he doesn't like any of those responses, you say well your clearly not up to the job either so either help or move out of my way, shut up and leave me to get on with it. Same for the in-laws- don't be afraid to hand them a hoover, the iron etc. Either they will give proper help, shut up or be so offended that you dare to hold your own that they leave - every way is a win! Hold on in there mama bear - this too shall pass. Remember that you rock. Massive hugs x

I feel so bad for you. I want to give you a massive hug. Your biggest problem is your husband! Does he support you in any way? (I’m sorry, if you’ve already answered this, I haven’t read all comments). I think you need to show him this whole thread. Make him read EVERY reply. He has absolutely no comprehension of raising kids alone. Next time you know he is going to be home, I suggest that you take yourself off out for the whole day (or weekend even) as soon as you get up on the first morning. Let him spend just one day/weekend with them on his own. I bet he offloads them to his relatives.

Also regarding your doors and his ability to open them, get some hook and eye fastenings from a hardware or diy store, fit them to the TOPs of your doors where he can’t reach, or even proper bolt fasteners.

if all else fails, ask your parents and his, to come over, and say you’ve had enough, it’s their turn now to step up as grandparents seeing as how they seem to know it all
❤️

When did he start nursery OP?

Op when you say you were sick last week, you’re probably still run down on top of the most difficult hellish ages and no help xxxxx

I’d be telling your husband and snooty in-laws that you need a break, or you’ll have a breakdown- (who cares what they think) and tell your husband that the in-laws will have to come to your house for a week and look after the kids while he works etc and take yourself off on a holiday, preferably abroad. Then let’s see how they fair with it all. You might find they treat you differently after that.

Are you me? I am literally livid right now with a splitting headache. My 2 year old (nearly 3) just screams and shouts and repeats himself. My 4 year old is fine but my 2 year old winds him up which he loves. He does not eat anything except crisps and chocolate biscuits. They both demand things constantly.. to top it off I work full time, I’m lucky if the beds get changed and bathrooms cleaned every 2 months and to top it off I’m dealing with an ever increasing debt overload. I feel like I may implode!!!!! I would like a break but my parents help with the kids whilst I’m at work and dh works all round the clock so he’s either knackered or at work. I feel like I have no resilience but equally feel like I can’t do everything..
once kids are in bed I’m about to set up a running balance to try and keep a track of finances.. look for the nearest wet wipe to wipe my face, brush my teeth and go to bed.. to do this again tomorrow and the next day and the next and the next..

I did exactly the same thing years ago. I found myself as a single parent of three little ones. Not what i'd planned for my life, but was far happier without their dad than with!!

Cbeebies etc... would be on throughout the day. Snacks would be given in "picnic" style on blankets on the floor - more fun (as the horrors would never sit at the table for more than a few seconds). Yes, bottles and dummies on demand. So what? Why not? Anything to make life easier. Loud music on, had a dance around the room. Embraced my inner child and engaged them. Was never strict on routine or bed times. They went to bed when tired, with no pressure.

Taking them shopping was bloody difficult. The twins hated it and used to run off in different directions down the aisles. Not much i could do since i had a baby in a buggy. I just let them run. They soon got panicked and came back. Honestly speaking, there were times when i felt lonely, depressed, and completely lost my sense of self. Their dad only saw them at weekends - and that was only on a Sunday if there was a football match to go to!!

Somehow i got through it . Friends would help out when they could, but had no family to help out.
Woke up one day and they were all in their teens!
It all went by so fast. Sometimes i wish i could go back....

Please hang in there. This too shall pass.
Do you have anyone that can take the reins occasionally to give you a break?