Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

[glassdo]

Please be kind. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm so fucking fed up of mum life.

My kids are two and four and it's so relentless.

I think I must just be so unhappy to be so happy overwhelmed.

Especially my two year old just doesn't fucking listen to a word I say. I can't even get him to eat anything. All he does is cry, scream and have tantrums if he doesn't get exactly what he wants.

I'm so angry today. I'm angry. It's another Sunday alone with the kids. It's been another week, dealing with my kids basically alone because my husband works away a fair amount. I'm angry because they don't listen to me ( especially the little one ). I'm angry because I work so fucking hard to keep my house tidy and clean and all they do all day is mess it up.

I am so angry because I feel like everyone thinks I'm a joke and a mess of a human and they can do it better than me. By everyone I mean my in laws, my parents and even my husband. I think he thinks I'm just a bit shit. He has no idea how much it takes for me to keep the house in the condition it's in.

I can't take it. I just want my kids to listen to me. I can't take it anymore

I'm absolutely fuming today.

It doesn’t have to be black or white. Endless iPad games for a toddler is not good.

We didn’t go out because I couldn’t be bothered.

Ok..

You need help. Can your GP refer you to someone? That youngest sounds like a huge responsibility. We all feel for you.

Give him bananas and chocolate if that's what he will eat, he will grow out of it, it won't harm short term and is one less thing to worry about, my DN is a past olympic athlete and she would only eat chocolate and yorkshire pudding when she was little. No criticism but you are trying too hard, could you maybe try keeping one grown up room tidy and out of bounds, but let him leave mess wherever else he goes then tidy when he's asleep? Keep him within eyesight and keep him.safe but let him run in the garden, if that's what he chooses. Be kinder to yourself before you make yourself ill🥰🥰

Wtaf does your husband do to help you when he’s actually there? And sod ya house being pristine spend more time playing with them keep the little one entertained doing fun things . He will pick up on your negative energy it’s hard I know I had 3 under 3 . Try and be more laid back don’t know if you shout etc when he’s naughty try not doing and just explain he won’t be able to have or do things if he misbehaves keeping calm helps . Hope you feel better soon

You are not a ‘bad’ parent. You are a parent doing their best and sometimes this is all you can do. If you get through a day alive you’ve done well.

With the toys, totally edit them down and shove them in a loft so you can rotate for interest.

You don’t have to go out… if they want to go outside they have the garden. However, if you have thumb turn locks and little one has learnt how to let himself out and just does I would fit another lock higher up, even if it’s just a slide bolt. Job done for peace of mind.

Food, banana and a glass of milk, fine, the world won’t end. Chocolate though I wouldn’t necessarily give, especially not if there is a correlation between that and them being more active!

This too shall pass. In the meantime don’t beat yourself up and anyone else with an opinion can be told that ‘the next person with an opinion takes the children for 48 hours’. Done!

You are just getting through a bloody hard phase, be kind to yourself.

I Feel for you it's so hard. My child used to miss his dad because he worked away a lot. I suspected this was the case and tried this out in the middst of one of his tantrums and it worked.

I said something along the lines of it.' It seems like you miss your dad...wouldn't it be great if you could tap your heels and daddy would appear'. To my surprise he calmed down immediately. Once I had named and labelled his fears and desires, his whole mood shifted. After which I gave him a hug and suggested we have a snug time and a cuddle. Seems bizarre... but it totally worked. Showsing empathy in that way is worth a try when they can't understand what they are feeling or why. It leaves them less frustrated.

Also I found that clear guidelines and rules before stepping out helped me to follow through when they step out of line...if I hadn't I was more likely to concede first few times he played up. This,was especially so as I wanted to be out the house more than he did...I longed to be outside those 4 walls

you’re quoting the wrong person

Yes they all do silly things like that.

Just take it away and tell him that’s not good and don’t feed him snacks until the next meal. If he doesn’t eat that meal then he goes without until the next meal. He’ll get it eventually.

I never took my DC to the park alone as they’d go off in opposite directions. I took them to places with other mum friends.

Youngest would swing on his reins so we’d just stand still and I’d talk to my eldest about flowers, birds, cars and ignore 2yr old until he got bored and started walking. I’d ask eldest “oooh would you like to see…..the duck, flowers, pear tree,” anything. I was great at finding thing to point out; prickles on holly bush, clouds, car colours, numbers on houses/gates.

I felt like a single mum as DH worked shifts. When he wasn’t working he was sleeping. Family lived 2hr drive away and we lived in a village where you had to have a car. We walked around the village A LOT!

Oh yes agree 100% with the trying too hard. This is a great post

Soft plays (prebooked for tomorrow maybe), this does sound a bit exhausting. I used to sit there with a coffee or cola (often both), and sit in an exhausted stupor).

Have you thought about putting them into (free spaces) playgroups to give you a bit of breathing space?
also how about a local kids ParkRun on the first Sunday of every month, let your husband take them.

it is hard some days, we all have them. In fact today I saw a Mum trying to negotiate with a very tired 3 year old and it sounded like all the fight had gone in her. I think we sometimes need time out to gather up our strength for the days we have them.

if family is not supportive, then ignore them, you need help in these times.

i think trying to exhaust them is key here, thing is we often also exhaust ourselves. good luck.

It sounds like you really need some help. Try not to stress as it’s not only terrible for your health but it won’t be good for your kids.They pick up on anxiety more than you imagine.

Book them in with grandparents. Stop worrying about the house. Have a night off occasionally. Find a babysitter. Find some free childcare. Everyone needs a break.

tidying a house with toddler is like counting sand on the beach... just get use to toys everywhere. Don't be a martyr and don't kill yourself for ridiculous perfection, if anyone judges let them and just live your life. They toys everywhere mess only lasts about 8 years anyway.

I would be giving your dick of a husband the ultimatum of he either participates and actually parents or he can do it on his own 50% of the time after divorce.

Your children sound totally normal to me. My youngest son was exactly the same at 2, an absolute nightmare 🤣 I can laugh now but it weren’t funny at the time, I honestly don’t know how I got through it. Now he is 5 and his brother is 6 and life is a lot easier, has been since he was almost 4 I would say, so hang in there.
definitely doesn’t need a cooked meal if he has been to nursery all day, they eat meals there. I just do a snack for them when they get home, stop adding pressure on to yourself.
i always found getting out helped as it used up their energy, staying in was a nightmare, but you have to do what is best for you.
Good luck, these days will be over before you know it.

Ignore them when they misbehave. Don't shout. Make yourself not care. Tell them calmly that you will play with them again when they stop doing whatever it is that they shouldn't be doing. Get on with something else and don't respond to provocation, crying, screaming, whatever it is. After a while you will find it relatively easy if you keep in mind that it is a technique. The first time may be difficult. But no one likes being ignored. They will run out of steam. As for the food, I agree if the toddler won't eat anything except the milk just give him the milk. The next day he will probably eat something else.

OP you have two problems:

1. A difficult two year old
2. A selfish husband

The difficult two year old is not that unusual, although you are having a time of it right now and are clearly exhausted and broken. The selfish husband is compounding this x 1000000.

I remember two and four (18 month age gap in my case) and it was hard. I was also working long hours and one of my DC was super-stressy. There were days were I would wake up filled with dread and watch the day slide downhill hour by hour until gone midnight which was often how long it would be before everyone was settled, only to get on the hamster wheel at 6am the next day. It was fucking awful. I can remember having fantasies about having a non-tlife-hreatening illness so that I had to be in hospital for a week or two so eveyone would be quiet and leave me alone.

My DH wasn't super-dad but he was significantly better than yours in terms of taking the kids and giving me a break. More importantly, he showed empathy. I think you need to engineer a situation where your DH has them for a full day (or a full weekend). He will then be far more on board with finding ways to het through this time as a team.

What would happen if you just said you needed a break and were going to your parents for the weekend? If he sulked etc and you told him it was that or you lose your mind, would he step up?

He really needs to experience it to get involved in finding ways to get through this period. It is not your sole responsibility to find solutions to pacify a demanding two year old.

I really feel for you.

OP where in the country are you? If you're in London I would escort you and your kids to the park, buy you a coffee and help keep my eye on them while you chill. You need practical help and support. All the advice is great, do this, do that blah blah blah but you need action. Have you got a friend nearby who preferably doesn't have small kids? Could they get out with you? You need a break.

Reins,

OP…I feel you. I’ve had many days like that. My youngest was like that at 2. He’s autistic but we didn’t know then (not that I’m suggesting your 2 year old is). He hated holding hands, reins or buggy. I bought him a little car that I pushed along by handle. He LOVED it. He felt like he was driving, he was belted in and I could get around. I used to keep it in the car boot like you would a buggy 😅 I was gutted when he got too big for it. That being said he was on his way to diagnosis by then and we had a McLaren elite SEN buggy by then and he did go in there as it was a calm and safe space. It was a bit like the one in the link but bit bigger. I got it for £10 on eBay! Best tenner I ever spent.

I really hope you managed to take some deep breaths and find something to keep the kids busy. Another thing I used to do was get one of those big garden flexi tubs like builders use to mix in and fill with play sand or water and bubbles and watch them play for ages in that. It meant I didn’t have to venture out and suffer meltdowns, and my boys were happy (I have 3 🥴).

Above all else, you are not shit, you are human! This is the reality of doing all the at home work-load and mental tasks. There is no break from it and it is relentless. I promise you things usually do get better as they get older. No chance of some free hours at nursery for your 2 year old?

https://www.activitytoysdirect.com/step2-whisper-ride-cruiser-red-p1942/?gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADu0biIhQ-9S5ohj6FMfPoyB_ci54

forgot to add the link

I would always feed children on demand. It's not nice at all being forced to eat when full, and it's horrible being hungry. By all means, give them healthy choices, but I would give them a frickin banana or apple or plain toast whenever they are hungry and not force anything on them when they are full. Start trusting your instincts, try listening to their needs and try and respond adequately. Let them have as much choice, control and freedom as possible. And also make life easier for yourself. Let them watch TV if you need a break. Give the 2 year old a phone or tablet in the car to keep him save so that you can drive somewhere he can run around safely while you sit and have a coffee. Don't even try and be a perfect parent and have perfect kids, it will only make you resentful. The house also really doesn't need to be perfect, but you and your kids need to survive this time with some sanity and happiness intact. Concentrate on having fun together and think of them as friends rather than your enemies.

I think you're doing amazing OP in your circumstances and I'm absolutely no surprised you're at the end of the tether.

The thing is this shouldn't be your problem to solve alone. Your children have two parents. It is simply not acceptable for the health and wellbeing yourself, to be so stressed it impacts your ability to look after your children so that your husband can absolve himself of all parental duties for the sake of his happiness. Why does your husbands job and happiness come above all else? You equally matter and its very clear your needs aren't being met. A father and husband that takes all the lie ins and has only spent four hours with his children is neither a good husband or father no matter how much he earns. Your children will pick up on this and it will impact his relationship with them.

It's absolutely not on you're both working yet you have all the cleaning and childcare and no breaks on top of this. You need a frank talk with your husband. All time outside of work is split 50/50. You both get breaks and lie ins and childcare is split evenly. If he isn't prepared to agree with this and you want to be with him, I'd be insisting he pay for a cleaner and additional childcare to help you function and ensure your own health and sanity. You can't keep pouring from an empty cup

Can you put a bolt on the door high up?

Its soo hard isnt it 😥 i have a 6 year old, and he is such hard work. Hes right all the time, im wrong, he doesnt listen, and he doesnt do easy things for himself "because he cant". Its mentally and physically exhausting.
I sometimes wish i wasnt a mum anymore. I sometimes look at him and hate my life.
But i still love him, and i would do anything to protect him.
Its hard to get out of this mindset. I'm sorry i cant offer any advice, because im going through it with you. But i wanted to message to tell you, youre not alone.