Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

[glassdo]

Please be kind. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm so fucking fed up of mum life.

My kids are two and four and it's so relentless.

I think I must just be so unhappy to be so happy overwhelmed.

Especially my two year old just doesn't fucking listen to a word I say. I can't even get him to eat anything. All he does is cry, scream and have tantrums if he doesn't get exactly what he wants.

I'm so angry today. I'm angry. It's another Sunday alone with the kids. It's been another week, dealing with my kids basically alone because my husband works away a fair amount. I'm angry because they don't listen to me ( especially the little one ). I'm angry because I work so fucking hard to keep my house tidy and clean and all they do all day is mess it up.

I am so angry because I feel like everyone thinks I'm a joke and a mess of a human and they can do it better than me. By everyone I mean my in laws, my parents and even my husband. I think he thinks I'm just a bit shit. He has no idea how much it takes for me to keep the house in the condition it's in.

I can't take it. I just want my kids to listen to me. I can't take it anymore

I'm absolutely fuming today.

Your husband has never spent more than 4 hours alone with them, steals all
lie ins for himself and has the audacity to criticise you?! Plus you’re dealing with criticism from your parents and PIL?! Fucking hell, you’re just massively up against it and doing really well in the face of zero support and active criticism. You sound so shattered.

Go with the easier options so secure parks and soft plays when you can, educational tv for periods of time, extra nursery for 2 yo so you can get days to yourself.

I think I’d drop the rope on 2yo eating, just put out some food including some things he likes (eg cheese, crackers, banana, tomatoes etc), make zero comment on his eating then clear away after. It sounds like he’s chasing control so give him ( limited) control. I like the phrase “you decide what and when, they decide whether and how much” in terms of eating.

Probably not a popular idea but I discovered this whilst puppy training when my dc were very young. I had a whistle and everytime dc and dog strayed I blew the whistle and dog got a treat and dc got a choc button when they came back 🙈🤣 I got some looks but it worked

Can’t you strap him in the pram.

OP please take the ADs. They work.
And tell your useless DH that if he thinks he can do better he's in charge of tea time.
Don't let anyone tell you you're not good enough unless they put their money where their mouth is.
But above all this what you need is SLEEP!
Tell useless DH that unless he ensures you get one uninterrupted night a week complete with lie-in that you are off to your mum's and he's in charge for 24hours.
There's a reason why sleep deprivation is a torture technique.
Remind him that if you divorced he'd have to look after them by himself and you'd have time to yourself which you don't now.
Time to put the fear of God into the useless lump.

This. You're not alone. We all feel like this. But it's usually at home, where no-one can see us... and obviously no-one talks about how it feels because by the time we're out with friends, it doesn't seem 'that bad'.

Getting out the house usually gets me put off a funk.

Sending hugs (and strength to manage the rest of the day) x

I wouldn’t expect a 2 year old to sit at a table and eat, I think part of the problem is that your expectations are too high for that age.

I have experienced this and looking back I wish I had adopted some of the advice already given. I wish I had realized how tough this phase is, like really fucking awful. Two under two, too. And the second was a destroyer of worlds. 😔

Survivial mode:
If they only want a banana around dinner time, just give them the banana and the milk and chalk it up to experience. They will survive.
Do go to the park and strap them both in, buy eat plus and carry the hell on with your day.
Consider reins for the bolter.
Be kind to yourself. Take your meds. Insist on a break. Go to bed as soon as you can at night and catch up on sleep.
De clutter your environment and reduce stimulus.
Take a mighty deep breath and say "this too will pass".

You're doing an amazing job. You really are!

Mine did and so did all their toddler friends.
Mine sat in a highchair for all meals once weaned and unless it was a picnic they sat at the table , on a booster then a normal chair
I think if they get used to it they don't know any different.
Absolutely no wandering around with food, it's a choking risk

Mine is too. It started around that age to the point where we had tried lots of things had to set a 'one banana a day' limit. Now he's 3.5 and STILL obsessed. So he generally has one when he wakes up and then he can't have any more - he was getting diarrhea in a daily basis from too much fruit! I just keep saying now "that's not on the menu today". On repeat. Yes it's boring, but it's slowly working!

Don't discount meds for yourself.

I've got a 2 year old, god it's relentless.
Luckily I work full time and so they go to nursery or a childminder 5 days and then I can get through the weekend with them. Otherwise I would be dead by now I'm sure, I find toddlers energy so stressful (& mine is a very very easy toddler!)

Can you up his nursery hours?

Re dinner after nursery - mine gets 'tea' which is basically a toddler-type meal like beans on toast & fruit at nursery, I used to cook for mine every night but they don't need it, banana & milk is perfect!

Re the garden door/back door. Get a simple door/cupboard catch, way above toddler head height, it takes 6 tiny screws & thats sorted.

Find a safe area or enclosed park you can walk your children outside, there will be one near you. Chuck them both in there and stick your headphones on.

Your husband sounds like he's stuck in the 50's. Do you want this life? Will you end up divorcing anyway? Why not go back to your parents for a bit and let him see how 'easy' your life is!

You are doing a good job.

Given the level of support you don't have, you are doing a fucking amazing job.

Two that close in age must be a nightmare. We have a 4 year gap because I couldn't begin to imagine coping with another one till DS was nearly 3.

Can you afford a babysitter for part of the weekend sometimes? I had to take mine (8 and 4) to a fun fair recently when DH was traveling and I knew I couldn't do it alone so I got a babysitter to come with us. (I also put AirTags on the kids but DS managed to get his off within the first hour despite the magnetic lock and leave it on a ride)

I am with the posters who say that fruit and milk is a perfectly ok diet and you should pick your battles.

Two is a bit young for most of my (at best partially successful) strategies for getting the kids to clean up. Telling them you will put everything from the floor in a box at the end of the evening and they will get it back on Friday might be worth a try. The box is a fast cleanup at any rate!

www.home-start.org.uk/

Another poster mentioned this organisation but here's a link. They have a good reputation.

My DD wasn't a bolter but she escaped her car seat a lot (I had a bit of success with Houdini Stop) and I well remember a trip to a castle where she tried to swim the moat and repeatedly tried to post herself out of the slit windows, hanging off her reins.

I'm laughing now but I wasn't then...

A book with good strategies is 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child. I found it really helpful.

Just reminded by a PP, my top tip for getting kids to clean up is - everything left on floor at the end of the day goes to charity shop. Because it means they don’t care about it. Have a big cardboard box by the door. My DS was so shocked to see all his stuff in there ready to be taken to the charity shop (I wouldn’t have done it but he didn’t need to know, haha) I gave him a day to get them back by being tidy and it worked. Appreciate it would only work for the 4 year old right now, but useful to keep in mind.

Also I notice you’re really avoiding all the comments about your DH being rubbish. Are you not ready to talk about that yet? Are you ever tempted to leave him?? Or at least take yourself off for a few days. His behaviour is really not on.

I remember a few months ago I suggested we get a baby sitter at the weekends sometimes so we can BOTH have a break and husband was like ' great so we are paying for childcare every day '.. he ridiculed me for suggesting it. No one can possibly have it harder than he has it. It's always a competition. If I say I'm really struggling, he looks bored and disinterested most of the time and just talks about how hard his life is too.

Fuck him and his life - he needs to listen to you for once instead of rabbiting on about himself!! Presumably he chose to have these children with you, and now he needs to step up and do his share!!

Ask him what his solution is then? Tell him that you will not be carrying on like this going forward. For starters, you each get a lie-in one weekend day. My husband wasn't father of the year and even he did that.

LOOOOOOOOOL. I love this so much.

Also nursery. Outsource this crap.

You’ve just got to survive most days.

@glassdo
Your husband sounds worse with every post. Does he have any redeeming qualities? What is he bringing to the table? Genuine questions.

Op would you insist on marriage counselling? Your dh needs to start listening to you. Quite frankly it sounds like you've got 3 children on the go. I'd remind him that if you decide he's not investing enough in the relationship for you to stay in it, that he will have to lone parent half the week. So he can absolutely get his arse out of bed once a week to give you a lie in and take the kids out for a few hours to let you have a break. It actually sounds like he could be emotionally abusing you. How do you know for sure his mum thinks you're disorganised. I'm really not clear on what he's bringing to the table apart from a wage?

I've suggested it before and he refused to go. I'm going to suggest it again because I just can't get through to him.

I'm really supporting one of his biggest dreams at the moment, in the hope- it will make him a happier person and therefore treat me better / not be as defensive and pull his weight more when he's home etc.

I've reminded him just how much I support his dream and how much I'm putting his happiness first, so can he please try and make more effort back.

It may be an opportune moment to suggest counselling again as he's a bit open at the moment and has softened a bit. By which I mean that he's open to discussing issues without constantly referring back to the fact that he has it so much worse than me.

Wonderful post, I hope OP takes this info on board. She is doing a brilliant job; it makes all the difference if u have family help

So, he won't help you with the kids at the weekend, he doesn't want to pay for anyone else to help you, and he's not interested in spending kid free time with you?

He's not giving you much at the moment!

I think it would be good for him to have the kids on his own for a whole day, if you can manage it....

Why is his life so hard? Is it actually or is he just self pitying?

A good counsellor would hopefully shut down all this "Misery Olympics" shit pretty quickly. He needs to know it's not actually about that, and he's not off the hook.

I recommend you call some counsellors yourself, OP, and spell it out to them privately, before engaging in the couples process.

Time to ditch supporting him in his dream if he can't support you in bringing up his children.

To me it sounds like a fairly typical representation of a household with ND, more ADHD than ASD, where the kids and at least one parent (me) is struggling with it (mainly from personal experience) because of the compounding of several issues which then all pile on top of each other, feed into each other and make things worse. It is very familiar to my house, when one thing starts the spiral, and we all fall into it if we are not careful - it is EXHAUSTING, and that is with a supportive husband and with me now aware of the whole ADHD spiral thing.

And IME, nurseries don't mention anything unless the child is causing absolute havoc and/or is noticeably behind in milestones. And even when a child is causing havoc (one of mine does) they seem to really shy away from suggesting anything at all even when it's clear as day to us. The whole "Wait until they are at school" drives me potty because IME the difficult bit with ADHD is not school. It's the bit before school. I am sure school has its challenges but my god the preschool bit is just survival mode one hour at a time. (One of my children is GCSE age so I am not talking out of my arse here).

For example, you mentioned that you're stressed out so have little patience for the kids/can't be thinking up endless activities to keep them occupied - which leads them to then be disruptive/unsettled/attention seeking back which makes you even more frazzled, they also mess up the house doing this which makes you more stressed, so you probably get behind on stuff like washing and dishes which then makes it really difficult to just get any tiny thing done which then means things don't get done properly which means the kids are all out of sorts - this kind of thing.

And no I am not jumping to some kind of "worst conclusion" (How rude! I could think of much worse things.) This is just my experience and perhaps it is helpful/relateable, or not. Perhaps this kind of thing can happen anyway even without ND in the picture.

I also know from previous experience that co-parenting with an unsupportive partner is far worse/more exhausting even than trying to be a single parent, because it is just relentless having criticism on top of all of the other stuff, and also constantly expecting your partner to step up when they don't.