Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

[glassdo]

Please be kind. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm so fucking fed up of mum life.

My kids are two and four and it's so relentless.

I think I must just be so unhappy to be so happy overwhelmed.

Especially my two year old just doesn't fucking listen to a word I say. I can't even get him to eat anything. All he does is cry, scream and have tantrums if he doesn't get exactly what he wants.

I'm so angry today. I'm angry. It's another Sunday alone with the kids. It's been another week, dealing with my kids basically alone because my husband works away a fair amount. I'm angry because they don't listen to me ( especially the little one ). I'm angry because I work so fucking hard to keep my house tidy and clean and all they do all day is mess it up.

I am so angry because I feel like everyone thinks I'm a joke and a mess of a human and they can do it better than me. By everyone I mean my in laws, my parents and even my husband. I think he thinks I'm just a bit shit. He has no idea how much it takes for me to keep the house in the condition it's in.

I can't take it. I just want my kids to listen to me. I can't take it anymore

I'm absolutely fuming today.

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. When I was struggling, Home Start really helped me. I'd recommend emailing them once the children are asleep.

My son was 3 when he went through his Special K phase. With the dried red berries in it. But he would pick out the berries, and I could not buy the ones without berries because then he wouldn’t eat it. It’s basically all he would eat.

He is now over 20 and eats absolutely everything, has a great job and is just such a nice person. But the tantrums he had, dear God.

At times like this the saying goes "put them in the bath or outside". I couldn't cope with taking mine to the park either so any time I felt this way I put them in the bath. And that was from age toddler to teens. A bath seems to re-set them. Good luck Op x

Reigns OP. Reigns are a godsend. People will be snotty about it but fuck that, keeps them safe.

Where abouts in the U.K are you? If you were near me I’d come help you out.

Have you tried Home Start? They may be able to help and give you a break? Get them at all the playgroups you can so you can at least have a cup of tea. It’s rough, I’ve been there, doing it alone makes it so much harder. Xxx

We have an open plan house and I gave mine pink mini scooters. I had forgotten about that. They rode around everywhere on them, and you could sort of give them little errands to do 😂

OP you have to use what they want as the reward. Kiddo wants chocolate? Only if they eat xyz first. If they start screaming, you tell them if they don’t stop, they will get no chocolate whatsoever. be firm and follow through. They will quickly realise that the screaming doesn’t get them what they want.

Before going for a walk, tell them how they must behave. Offer a reward of something they’ll like BUT ONLY IF they behave correctly.

If they mess around, give them a couple of warnings that they will lose the reward if they continue. They continue? No reward. It gets worse? Go home.

Create a very clear reward structure and use those rewards to your advantage.

At two years old, you could give little fluffy pom poms to collect, as soon as they have 5 or 10 they get a little prize. Things like that will really help.

Good luck and don’t give in. To change this around you really need to be consistent. It won’t change overnight. Hold firm and stick with it. You should see positive changes within a couple of weeks.

I don't have children my self, but I know it gets better I watched, and listened to my neighbours two children aged 2/3. The boy would scream, and bang doors. They only got peace by calling their nan round. She would get a list of wrongs his parents did read out to her at the front door. And when she left he would stand in the garden, and scream and cry.

I really feel for you because I can tell you're at the end of your tether. Primarily, you have a DH problem. He's in no position to judge or criticise you when he's never had them for any length of time on his own. Why hasn't he? I'd be changing that for a start!
I think, as hard as it is, that you need to set firmer boundaries with the food though. Fine if he doesn't want to eat but that doesn't mean he can have 5 bananas and endless bowls of Cocopops! I know it's really hard, especially when you're already feeling so low but let him have his tantrum. With consistency, he'll soon learn.

I have not been good. My body has gone to shit. I'm not who I was at all.

I definitely post natal depression. The GP diagnosed and gave me anti d's which I never took and some CBT which was useless.

But at the end of the day, I had a newborn and a two year old and I had zero help and did every single night waking alone. Of course I was fucked.

I went and stayed with my parents for around 6 weeks. That's how I dealt with it.

You are avoiding all questions about your husband not helping or letting you sleep in.

@SpiderPlanter I'm london zone 6 / south of the river area that's very sweet of you to offer haha

Pay for home help
A student or young pers5 extra pair hands

Let them drink milk and wat ch cbeebies

Your husband is a prat.
You need a break. A real break. Regular breaks. Lie ins.
He needs to step up and do his part as a parent.
Non-negotiable. Take turns lying in at the weekends, you one day, him another.
If he "can't take the children out" then he can entertain them in the house somewhere whilst you go elsewhere and don't have to see them for a few hours.

Yeah, I understand. We have three between just turned five and three year old twins. It's not one of those responses but our daughter is autistic and escapes, has no perception of risk, wants what she wants and is frankly gross. Shit on the walls snots for fun gross. My husband is OK but not setting the world alight as an early years practitioner or anything. Very limited family help due to the oldies having fled to the sun or just being decrepit.

We are just so very barely starting to see the faintest glimmer of daylight as the other twin visibly grows more assured but fuck it has been hard. The only thing that has kept me sane is childcare. We honestly would not cope a day without help.

Do they like videos on youtube ( the little one ) or a bit of telly?

They do but it doesn't grab their attention for a long time. If I chuck them on their iPads, with YouTube on- they can stay quiet for a while but I haven't been doing that for a while now as I don't think it's good for them..

You are right. It isn’t.

Oh yeah and pediasure. When worrying about their shit diets was sitting with me all day every day I just started giving them pediasure at breakfast. It actually got our food restricted twin to eat better, as she could see I wasn't quite so on edge any more as the meals got chucked at me. Not just dumped, but three of them, chucking melamine like fast bowlers.

Your husband sounds absolutely shit. Tell him he's shit from mumsnet and you can't go on without something changing, and the first thing to try is him.

So your husband is a selfish useless prick who does nothing for his children.

You are being abused.
Time to put yourself first OP, before you crack.
You poor pet.
Please tell your parents the truth.
They won't be surprised.

It's pure survival at that age and all hands on deck.

No 1 priority is getting you sleep/ rest as you sound burnt out. No surprise parenting 2 young children by yourself. Honestly it's a game changer with hand on grandparents or partner ( I had neither)

Tell your DH this. If he doesn't step up you will crack. Same with the in laws. If they are no use, book in some extra nursery days.

I would completely agree if your kids aren't in, they can't make a mess. It also burns off energy and means they are less likely to dump toys out and mess your house up.

Rotate toys rather than get rid. I used to have big ikea bags in the garage and swap them round every now and then.

Look into reins for sen kids they can't escape from. I had a bolter 2yo with a newborn and it was bloody awful. It was worse not getting out though.

Book out the secure soft play early every sat morning if need be. Your dh could take them.

My kids are now 9&7yo and those years are long behind me. I took one out for lunch yesterday, couldn't imagine that 5 years ago!

Why didn’t you take the anti depressants? You’re clearly struggling.

I wish I could put it more delicately but he will absolutely pick up on how you feel and this will cause him to act out more. Take the antidepressants fgs.

When going out put the reins on and he can carry on all he wants. It won’t be long before he’ll accept them.

Our 3yo rarely eats a full dinner on nursery days. They have a snack, lunch, another snack, then tea before we collect them. They generally just have a healthy snack before bed. Very rarely do they have dinner.

I would Def recommend trying your anti depressants, that did help me but the biggest difference was when the husband pulled his finger out and started to pull his weight

"I'm trying to them that they get snacks and desert type things after they have a meal and not around the clock."

This bit really stuck out to me. When my kids were small and at nursery I was shocked at how often they sat and ate something. Literally like every two hours they had something. The nursery staff explained to me that their tummies were not yet adult sized and that they couldn't last four hours like an adult would. So it was breakfast at home at 7:30, breakfast at nursery at 09:30, lunch at 11:30, afternoon snack at 13:30 and so on. Maybe they need feeding more often?

Really feel for you though! The feral years are hard work.

Hi OP!

I very rarely comment on MN threads, I’m just a big lurker usually. BUT I couldn’t read this one and run. I’m also a mom to an almost 4 year old (4 next week!) and a 1 year old who is turning 2 in 4 weeks time. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. This is easily the HARDEST thing I have ever done, so you have my sympathies.

Personally, I think your biggest issue is lack of support. It ‘takes a village’ to raise these kids and it doesn’t sound like you have even a neighbour, let alone a whole village. Which is why this season of life is so hard for you. I was going to ask where you were located because I would’ve happily spent time with you and your children and helped relieve the strain but unfortunately we’re opposite ends of the country…

So the best I can do is a few words of support:

1. You are doing a GOOD job. You are a good mom. Never doubt yourself.
2. Snacks! Give them snacks. Mine snack constantly. They want chocolate? Sure! 3rd cheesestring of the day? Go ahead! As long as they’re eating - they’re fine :-) add a vulti mit in if you’re concerned about nutrition.
3. Find a park/local playgroup etc that has a secure play area. My almost 2 year old is exactly like yours at the moment. A runner. A tantrum master. Get them somewhere they can release their energy in a safe environment. Don’t worry about potential judgement etc. Just get yourself out - fresh air will do you wonders.
4. Clean if you need to clean! I also cant relax in a messy house. Cleaning it is far more beneficial for me as it aids my peace of mind and enables me to relax once the children are asleep. If it makes you feel better - get it done.
5. Have faith and perseverance. This stage will pass (what I keep telling myself) maybe start a journal? Get all of your emotions out on paper every evening before bed and start the next day with a fresh slate?

I hope better days are coming for you. If you don’t get the support you need from your DH or any family members etc I hope you believe in yourself enough to know that you can do this.

Much love and solidarity - a fellow burnt out double toddler mom xx