Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

[glassdo]

Please be kind. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm so fucking fed up of mum life.

My kids are two and four and it's so relentless.

I think I must just be so unhappy to be so happy overwhelmed.

Especially my two year old just doesn't fucking listen to a word I say. I can't even get him to eat anything. All he does is cry, scream and have tantrums if he doesn't get exactly what he wants.

I'm so angry today. I'm angry. It's another Sunday alone with the kids. It's been another week, dealing with my kids basically alone because my husband works away a fair amount. I'm angry because they don't listen to me ( especially the little one ). I'm angry because I work so fucking hard to keep my house tidy and clean and all they do all day is mess it up.

I am so angry because I feel like everyone thinks I'm a joke and a mess of a human and they can do it better than me. By everyone I mean my in laws, my parents and even my husband. I think he thinks I'm just a bit shit. He has no idea how much it takes for me to keep the house in the condition it's in.

I can't take it. I just want my kids to listen to me. I can't take it anymore

I'm absolutely fuming today.

It sounds like hell OP, and you have my sympathy and my respect. The adults around you are a disgrace - why aren't they helping, taking some pressure off you? My daughter has two preschoolers and they recently moved much closer to us so that we (mainly me) can help out as my daughter was struggling and son in law works long hours.

What's the point of your husband? What would you lose by divorcing? He doesn't help, and he criticises you. Sounds to me you'd be better off as a single parent.

As your mother and his parents are useless, do you have Homestart near you? It's a charity that provides support for families with pre school-age kids. They have trained volunteers (usually older women with older DC) who come to your house and give you whatever support you need once or twice a week. I was a Homestart volunteer for 6 years. Some mums wanted company, some wanted me to occupy the child/children while they got on with chores, one liked me to occupy her 3 year old DC while she went to the gym (it did wonders for her mental health), one liked us to go out in my car to a park as she had no transport. The families were from all backgrounds, from professionals to the socially disadvantaged. I'm still in touch with a couple of mums 15 years later.

"He never has. He's maybe done 4 hours once."

Wtf. And he's having a go at you about the kid eating too many bananas. Cheeky fucking bastard

@glassdo oh I am with you on this, it's exhausting having little kids, especially strong willed ones. I've not read the thread but do you have anyone you can ask to help? You need a break or you'll burn out. Or pay a babysitter to entertain them for a few hours and take yourself out the house.

It's hard, hang on in there

Its a fucking divorce you need… what a joke of a husband!

I don't know if this applies to you but I started to care a little less, and by that I mean let go of some of the high standards I had for myself (home cooked meals for the child, children kept pristine, home kept neat and tidy, limits on screens). It's just not possible and won't be for a while. I now try to accept things can't be as I want them to right now. My ds in almost 6 and I am getting a bit more time to myself. I have also told him that he'll just have to amuse himself while I hoover/mop/wash up. The playroom will just have to be a mess.

Also, my ds has been a handful since day one but it is getting easier I promise. And I know that you must be finding it very hard with two - not enough arms!

I read something once that tidying the house with children is like raking leaves in a storm...

What you're feeling is completely understandable op. I hope that it gets a little easier for you soon 🫂

Just wanted to send you a hug @glassdo

Both my boys are adults now, but DS2 was like your boy. He had so much bloody energy, was always on the go and like Houdini 😫. Am not going to lie it seemed to go on forever.

BUT he has turned into the most amazing man (teenage years weren’t so good - which he is very sorry about now looking back), works hard, training to become an oncall firefighter alongside his full time job and he is the most wonderful patient dad to his daughter who is coming up to her 2nd birthday - I can see so much of him in her in terms of wanting to be off and doing things her way.

Having been through what you are going through, I would say don’t sweat the small stuff and pick your battles. I wish I’d had more patience and didn’t worry about the mess - you live and learn.

Let him have the banana and milk.
Rotate toys/streamline
He either sits at the table with the muffin or put a huge towel down in the living room to sit on to catch the mess and give him the option to choose where he wants to sit.

Well that’s fucking shit and needs to change. He is a prized prick if he’s hasn’t concurrently done more than 4 hours parenting in FOUR YEARS. Does that mean you haven’t had any type of break?! Jesus wept I would be climbing the walls.

I hear everything you are saying - I have a 3 year old and 7 year old and DH works every weekend and 5 days a week I do solo bedtime as he works until 8pm. So I’m on the edge a lot of the time too. And also get the feeling my DH and ILs think I’m a little bit shit. The difference is that when my DH is here, he is very present and involved. He has the kids by himself a couple of days a week while I work so he does ‘get it’ for the most part. Also, for my sanity I do make sure I get a few evenings out/ days away here and there. You so need a break OP, I hope you can advocate for yourself to make this happen.

I promise I am not undermining what you say but alot of 2 year olds can behave like this. It is incredibly stressful and overwhelming at times when u r caring for young children, lots of us can identify with this. Plus your husband works away alot and your family aren't supportive. It is very important that u take care of yourself. I hope u r eating and drinking properly; otherwise u will feel worse.
Sending u strength and virtual hugs.
Also, please talk to your husband about how u r feeling

You are only human and badly need some help and consideration from family. Tell your mother you have been unwell for a week and are at exhaustion and breaking point and you need some help. The husband the same. He's a big part of the problem here that he seems not to care or seems to be too lazy and useless to take his share of responsibility when he is there. Why not start standing up to him and make a practice at the weekend of saying you need him to step in and take care of the children while you go out for a walk, an errand, to see a friend, get your hair or nails done or whatever? If he doesn't want to and make excuses why he can't, don't take this for an answer and back down; tell him to get a nanny or baby sitter. You have to be as firm with him as with the toddler. Two babies to manage.

The child wanting bananas - five! - and chocolate might indicate that he's craving sugar. Bananas are full of it, as well as some trace nutrients. No wonder you are concerned about getting him to eat non-sweet meals. I would suggest instead of the average run of chocolate bars which are heavy on sugar, that you give him high cocoa content dark chocolate, which has much less sugar, and is filling. He won't be able to eat much of it at a time, probably no more than a square. This might help turn things around in a more helpful direction of good eating because you are giving him what he wants - chocolate - but he is learning to eat a less sugary more nutritious chocolate. Lidl is good for quality chocolate, 70% or more cocoa in a large bar. It seems expensive and cocoa has leapt up in price recently but it lasts longer so overall it works out not so bad. I would also try to get him eating slices of apple - some are very sweet but if you can manage it, Granny Smiths are slightly sharp and nutritious.

I LOVE this level of honesty

I just wanted to tell you you're not alone. I have 6yr old and 3yr old boys. My 3yr old is feral. He's slowly getting better as he has got older. What helps me is prioritising some time to myself daily. Even if it is first thing in the morning or last thing. I go for a walk, alone. It is bliss. I too have screamed into a pillow more often than I care to admit. And I have screamed at the kids too. Which I hate myself for. Diaphragmatic breathing when I am over stimulated really helps calm my nervous system when I feel like I am about to explode. Its so so hard. You're in the trenches and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I just want to give you a hug OP.
When I say this post could have been written by me 17 yrs ago, I'm not exaggerating, I had a 5yr old (who behaved exactly like your 2 yr old, I refused to take him out with his siblings because he required an adult all to himself, sometimes I had no choice ) and a 2 yr old and a 1yr old. It was tough going and I struggled for years, my husband would swear blind that the eldest wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be and then that feeds into those feelings that you're a bad parent. (You're doing an amazing job OP)
My eldest is now 21and succeeding at life, I couldn't be prouder of him however there were times as he was growing up that I'm amazed he made it to adulthood.

The best advice I can give is be kind to yourself, take each day at a time and if you can rope in a friend or family member to accompany you on outings do it, or take the kids out individually so all kids get one on one time and alternate which parent has which kid.

If you can't face the supermarket, online shopping is your friend.

Firstly bin the cocopops. They will not be helping the situation.
If your husband barely spends time with the kids it's f'ing rich for him to complain about bananas.
Bananas aren't a complete diet, but it's not a hill to die on - let him have bananas and make other options available without pressure (I wouldn't say that about cocopops, but bananas aren't a disaster).
My youngest was a lot like this. People would be like "just strap him in the stroller" and I'd be like "Houdini in toddler form? I will need a straightjacket not a stroller". He has grown up a ton, and I was just thinking how it has made my whole life so much nicer. This phase will pass.

Banana and chocolate are a relatively balanced diet!! But not ideal obviously. Don't get into a battle with him.
Sitting at table etc is something they need to learn to do eventually, but he s 2 and may struggle with this.

@glassdo I wanted to comment as I have been where you are! Many times. Also same situation with doing most of it alone. One thing I felt helped was trying not to care. It sounds so flippant but for example with scrunching up food in living room, I’d say oh you shouldn’t have done that then quickly clear it and mentally make myself not care. Similarly when going out I would just mentally take myself out of the situation if he was behaving badly and still go out anyway, even if his behaviour was actually embarrassing. When he started to notice I wasn’t arsed if he played up or refused dinner etc his behaviour improved. Just a suggestion. I am by no means an expert but I’ve definitely been where you are and it’s utterly shit

Sending you solidarity op!! I have a 2.5 year old.. one kid is enough for me!! I sometimes think I used to have a life.. what happened to that.. work, social stuff, fit, healthy, took care of myself well… now I’m essentially running a free restaurant and shouting! Get some reins or a backpack with reins on. If my kid won’t listen or runs away, I put him in the pushchair. End of. Lots of love xx

Sis, I absolutely feel your pain.

Get them some screens🤐

You need a day off and dad needs to step up to the mark.
That being said they are just kids, they will always try their luck if they feel able.
We all have our days/weeks but they really aren't little for long.

I've had a day like this today. Mine are 2, almost 4, 7 &9. Honestly easy to say get them ready and get out but seriously it's that bit that's the killer.. the fight to get shoes on, fight to get the in the car seats! Then a fight to keep them alive when wer out! The older two were never as difficult I'm sure! My 2 year old is constantly trying to kill herself. Tomorrows another day! Just be kind to your self today! Kids are jerks.

Oh OP, you have a husband problem. He sounds useless and lazy with them - yet critical of you. A shitty combination.

Next day he has off, you take off first thing and go out for the day. Tell him he's in charge. See how he copes.

And he should be shutting down any rude comments by his parents too.

Each weekend, why doesn't he look after the 2yo while you take the 4yo out?

And you need to sort out lie-ins so it's fair for you.

Honestly, he sounds awful.

And massive hugs to you. You are doing brilliantly.

This too will pass. 🍷 💐

Pick your battles, let the 2 year old live on bananas, my now 5 year old survived on plain pasta for about a year, now she eats a variety of food. She was also a nightmare to take out but I took her (And her 2 siblings) out everyday, if she screamed, so what, people have seen plenty of kids having tantrums.
Getting out of the house everyday with her in some way was hard at first but she very quickly realised that I would ignore tantrums and hold her if she ran. Getting out was what kept me sane through those years!

My nephew when he was 2 went through a Cheerios stage…they had to be dry and in a plastic baggie or the tantrums from hell would ensue. He’s 20 now and studying engineering and has not turned into a big Cheerio, trust me. Kids that age are feral. Your DH really needs to help you parent so you can get some sleep…it is ridiculous to make you do everything. your relatives can keep their opinions to themselves. They either help or they shut up.

Question - how have you been since the 2 year old was born? I'm wondering if there is a little bit of undiagnosed post partum depression going on?
That being said, you don't have a children problem, you have a husband problem. He doesn't help but cricises whatever you are doing. You are working, keeping house and full time mothering - he is working, and then what? Where is he on the outings? Why does he get a long lie in on days off but you don't? Address the husband problem and the children problem will sort itself. And honestly parenting children at that age is wild! But it does get better (and may get quicker faster if you ditch the husband - why? Because you do everything anyway but this time it would be free of his utterly useless berating!). Hold on in there mama bear - you are doing great holding it all together. Big hugs x