If you're sharing the cost of the meal there's certain things you don't go for

[alpacachino]

If you're out with a group and you usually split the cost of the meal you don't choose the mixed grill or the steak right? You stick to the main menu.

Or AIBU and just grumpy at my brother in law

Is there? In your family? I wouldn’t say it’s a general rule. That said I’d I chosen something really expensive I’d offer to put in more. Most of my friends would say don’t worry about it, but probably appreciate the gesture. In which case I’d put in a bit more of the tip?

If the difference is a couple of pounds each not worth the fallout. If there’s a significant difference (3 courses + alcohol v 2 courses + soft drinks) then suggest paying your own and the expensiver mealers split themselves. Heavily subsidising someone else will leave a bitter taste.

The person ordering the expensive thing should put in a bit extra. Thats how the vast majority of people deal with it.

We had one cheeky fucked relative who would always order something super expensive - fanciest steak, expensive wine, always would have a starter & pudding when most had one or the other. Then he'd be the one to suggest splitting the bill.

I said on one occasion that we'd just pay our own rather than splitting as we hadn't had much and he actually said "but I wouldn't have ordered that if I'd known" and I laughed and said "don't be daft, that sounds like you ordered expensive stuff expecting everyone else to subsidise you..." as if he was joking. Funnily enough since then bills have never been split and he's never ordered as much.

I'd order what I want and pay accordingly.

Consistently choosing a much more expensive meal and expecting everyone else to sub you is very cheeky IMO.

But equally unreasonable is to expect people to not order what they actually want in a restaurant and also to monitor it to such a degree.

The happy medium for me is for anyone who has 'spent' significantly more to throw in a bit extra to compensate. Same with drinkers/non drinkers. So I actually agree he is unreasonable if he does this a lot, but the whole situation does sound a bit joyless IMO.

I don’t agree that there is an unwritten rule. That’s weird. If you go out, you should order what you want.
if YOU don’t want to split the bill, then remove yourself from the scenario ‘I will just pay for my own as i didn’t drink/am on a budget/I prefer it etc’
i think this is more about you not liking your BIL though….

Obviously. He should have just had the side salad instead. Better yet, don't invite him out next time.

😂

Yes and then spend the weekend afterwards inwardly seething some more and posting about it on the internet instead of saying something to my own family member!

OP appreciate you might just have been wanting to gauge reactions here but since everyone agrees that paying individually is fine, if this is your own family why don’t you have a word with them on the quiet and explain that this is pissing you off, without BIL there, get everyone agreed before the next passive aggressive spoons session lovely meal out?

I completely agree. I hate splitting the bill exactly. (So for 6 of you, you pay 1/6 of the bill,) because I eat quite a bit less than other people when I go out for a meal. I will sometimes only have a starter and a dessert.

I'm not a 'teeny tiny' by the way. 😆 I'm just somebody who's always had to watch my weight, and I have spent half my adult life on a diet. So I sometimes don't eat a lot. And I would only pay for what I have. I'm not subsidising somebody else eating 2 to 3 times more than me. They can pay for their own food!

Basically, if you have an expensive order (food or wine) you say, first, that you'll contribute more to the bill. It's mean and selfish not to contribute.

I've just went and looked at the menu of the local spoons online and firstly the mixed grill is on the same menu as the curries and burgers, it's just under a different heading. So I went and checked the harvester menu, same thing. The menu is divided into sections.

Secondly, prices. Spoons the mixed grill is barely a few more quid than anything else on the menu. Harvester I understand more your annoyance as the ultimate mixed grill is £10 more expensive than a burger (for example) but there's lots of things that are of a similar price so it's not necessarily the most expensive thing on the menu. There is no unwritten rule though, it's not like he's asking them to make something off the menu that costs triple what everyone else is having. He's ordering off the normal main menu.

I'm going to put this down to you not liking your bil, I think maybe you'd be better off posting a thread about his treatment of your sister instead of quibbling restaurant bills.

I hate even splits. It makes me order something cheaper usually as I don't want to be a CF.

I much prefer to pay for what i order.

One of my uncles had form for always choosing the expensive red wine and the lobster then saying airily 'Oh we'll split'. It made me think less of him than i already did tbh.

If I would order the steak if I was paying for my own meal then I would order it in a group if splitting the bill. I would be happy to put a bit more in to cover my more expensive meal. I don’t drink a lot so if someone is drinking glasses of wine that would cost more than my drink. I’m happier just paying for what I order, I hate the thought of people mentally calculating what other people’s meal has cost them.

Depends on your social circle/general spending levels I think.

We always split the bill and nobody counts or cares about who has what. But none of us would be on a budget. If someone suggested chipping in more (it’s never happened for meal choices but has when more kids on one side) the consensus is always don’t be silly we just split as always.

I would almost always have steak and cocktails when eating out and it wouldn’t occur to me that that would upset anyone. It is a menu and I choose what I want to eat from it.

However, dining with family where there are varied levels of affordability, we just pay to avoid this as I wouldn’t want anyone to worry about what we are ordering. I’ve never eaten with anyone who’s split the bill according to what they actually ordered. I wouldn’t mind if they did but I’ve never seen it happen in real life.

People who order the lobster and other expensive shit, are the same ones who have a 'glass of water' when it's their round, and have a triple whiskey when it's someone else's. (On the occasions they don't fuck off away for 10 minutes when it's their round that is!)

In this case though someone should have said to your uncle “can you put in extra money Pete as otherwise we’re all paying for you lobster”. Either that or not allowing it to happen more than once and on subsequent occasions saying “let’s all just pay for what we ordered as there’s a big difference in price so it wouldn’t be fair”.

But equally imagine paying £20 more for your bill than you actually had because someone else ordered a steak. Why should I sub someone else’s dinner.

If you are planning on ordering the steak you say to the rest of the group that you don’t expect it to be split and you will chuck in an extra tenner.

In my view, the etiquette is to order what you like BUT if you do opt for the steak or lobster or another more expensive choice (or if you’re drinking cocktails, etc) the onus is on you to say you’ll pay for your own more expensive choice.

So, yes, I agree your brother-in-law should order from the standard-priced menu or make clear he’ll settle his own tab.

The issue is when he doesn’t recognise this unwritten social rule (of manners and financial equity) - you can’t point it out to him without being rude yourself. So you have to suck it up once and then decide whether you want him to be part of future split-bill meals.

For me, the future would depend on his financial status - if he’s a low earner and otherwise a decent guy and good company, I wouldn’t grudge him the extra ££ at the group’s expense to treat himself (especially as it’s family). If he’s just as well-off as everyone else and just greedy/stingy, I probably wouldn’t want to socialise with him. Less about the money and more about the attitude!

You are the one making an entire post about a meal which would have been a few quid more than yours at best, because they only serve mixed grills in these cheap chain pubs. It’s not like you went to a local Italian where pasta and pizza is £10 a portion but they also have a grill section and the guy picked a Waygu steak special at £100 plus….

You are eating in a cheap chain pub and he’s picked what he fancied off the menu.

As an aside, the steak and mixed grill will not be a reheated microwave meal the way most of the other mains (lasagne etc) will be. That may have been part of the appeal.

Over time, when it's always the same person doing this (and it always is) it adds up and makes you form an opinion about that person.

I always cover at least the cost of my meal plus tip

That is exactly what I said? 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Don’t mix with people you don’t like OP and then you won’t begrudge splitting the bill. You need some sister-only time don’t you? 😉 no boys allowed!

Wouldn't occur to me to order anything other than what i wanted. If that means paying more then that's what it means. I don't expect someone else to pay for my choice. But I'm not having lasagne that i don't want, and can't eat, just because you are.

order the steak too? Or don’t go out if cost is an issue?

If you're going to be narked that a split bill will result in you unfairly pay more (either due to affordability or just how you think about things), don't split the bill equally.

If you were fine with whatever and won't give it a second thought or grumble afterwards, split the bill.

I fall into the latter category generally but if I am with people who are like the first category, I don't suggest splitting the bill equally.

You can't have it both ways.