If you're sharing the cost of the meal there's certain things you don't go for

[alpacachino]

If you're out with a group and you usually split the cost of the meal you don't choose the mixed grill or the steak right? You stick to the main menu.

Or AIBU and just grumpy at my brother in law

Acknowledged but her financial circumstances are not her BIL's problem, if she is financially struggling, perhaps she should stay home or ask for a separate bill. I think I would be irrationally angry if I went for a lovely group dinner with family and my SIL was keeping a beady eye on what I ordered. No point in going out if you purposely order the cheapest item on the menu-unless it's the item you want of course!

Love this subject. Tells us so much about people, a lot more than their words. Split the bill? Years ago, fresh after uni, I had no idea. Delighted I was hired, spent some time (once every 3 months, several years) travelling with my immediate boss, a male partner. Breakfast was included, lunch was at work but in the evenings we always went out for a meal. I was so eager to show I am a grown-up that when the bill came, I was so happy to split it - half way. He was a lot older. I was a bit nervous for a while, in awe of him and could not even finish my main with nervousness, so was very surprised when he said 'do you mind if I finish it'? And he regularly did. I was on 1/20th of his salary and surprised. Plus he was a partner, I was salaried. I mean, he would finish off my half-eaten fish, literally the one I was poking with my fork, etc. Over time I relaxed a bit and started ordering (sometimes) a starter too. He would ask 'are you going to finish it'? And I felt I had to say 'no', and he invariably finished it. So eventually we settled into a pattern where he would eat most of my main and starter, have alcohol and we would split the bill. The funniest bit was when we were in Europe and went to a famous seafood place for dinner, where I realised he expected me to share a starter with him at something like £120 for two, £70 for one - 20 years ago!!!!). When I said I did not like seafood and would order a different starter, he flipped, literally flipped. When I said 'what is the problem, order what you like (remember, I always halved the bill), he said 'this is too much and I hate food waste'. I realised, years later, that it was not about the amount of food - he wanted me to order this starter and not touch it, as usual, and to eat it all by himself. After a while the novelty wore off and I realised that I can't afford to pay £150 for nothing and started ordering a pasta and finishing it off (to minimise the bill, we still halved the bill). The scolding that ensued! I was accused of eating harmful carbs which were rubbish for me! I went to a different company afterwards, but looking back at this experience, I laugh. The man was originally so much richer than me, plus on a different plane salary-wise.

People should order what they want to eat.

I went out with 3 friends last week. 2 of them ordered wagyu steaks as a main plus starters and sides I just had a starter and 2 veggie side dishes because I'm not a big eater. I didn't expect them to go for smaller, less expensive dishes to accommodate my smaller appetite.

we divvied the bill up 25% each. IMO when you go out for a meal you are chipping in for your share of the experience rather than trying to price match every bite and sip.

God forbid anyone on a budget wanting to have a bit of a life and go out for a meal once in a while.

'Enjoying yourself' can include eating a meal you haven't cooked yourself, where you don't have to do the washing up and you can chat with friends and family in relaxed surroundings.

Or do you only 'enjoy yourself' when you know that someone with less disposable income than you is paying towards the cost of your meal?

I don’t really drink so splitting bills is not something I ever do nowadays. Too many times in the past I paid towards copious bottles of wine when I was drinking lemonade. Neither would I be ordering the lobster or whatever. I think splitting the bill is not that common anymore is it (because if these issues?). If I did order something expensive I would certainly put more money in (but then that has to be weighed up against the wine I didn’t drink 🤦‍♀️).

I would put in more if my meal was notably more expensive than others. Similarly if one or two of the group are not drinking and the rest are then we will split it proportionately between drinkers and non drinkers.

OP you either need to say you no longer want to split bills, or call him out on it

Irrationally angry and “beady eye”. Blimey this does strike a nerve doesn’t it! 😂

How awful to say she should stay home though. Let them eat cake, much.

He sounds like a total nutter.

I don't agree that there is such a rule. You should order what you want. I'd have the right hump if I had to order something I didn't really want because other people were eating cheaply. Although I would pay extra. I do tend to drink a bit more than others, so I usually end up paying more anyway.

I don't think there is a "main bit" of the menu either. Going by the type of places you've mentioned, they're in categories.
I also don't think that a mixed grill from these places is going to add a significant amount to everyone else's bill either. Maybe a couple of quid.

Going forward, I would just insist on paying for your own food and the rest of the family can split between them. Surely it can't be any skin off their noses? If you're at Wetherspoons, tell them that you're ordering your food from the app. In other places, order yours and pay separately, order together and tell your waiter that you want a separate bill, or when the bill comes, pay your part off first with your card, and let them sort theirs out. Chip in for the tip afterwards.

I do suspect though that this wouldn't be as much of an issue if you actually liked your BIL!

Same here.

OP, of course people should order what they like and are mixed grill and steak not on the main menu? They are wherever I go for a meal, alongside everything else such as grilled salmon, chicken or spare ribs. I've never before given that a thought.

Don't quibble or else don't go out for a meal with friends.

I understand people now have an app which means each pays for their own. I've not seen that in action, only been told about it but, if it is simple to use, it sounds like a good idea at times and would be perfect for someone like you.

If it were me, I’d say ‘I’m going to order the lobster but of course I’ll pay more when we split the bill.’ Because that’s just basic etiquette.

The people who order the most expensive things tend to fall into two camps. Those who are choosing it because that's genuinely what they fancy and those who want to eat like Henry VIII at someone else's expense.

The first group put more in when the bill comes. The second - like the PP's SIL - will do everything they can to minimise the amount they have to cough up.

The OP's BIL falls into group two, ie the CFs.

My BIL always orders the most expensive thing on the menu, and I'm convinced it's not about wanting it it's about a Bertie big bollocks. Caviar jacket potato with a lobster Thermidor being the worst one.

We haven't eaten out together for a long time.

There’s no rule about not ordering expensive things - people should have what they want.

HOWEVER…

Split it if it’s roughly the same.

If one person has had lobster or expensive cocktails, for example, they should say “I’ll pay £x more because I chose expensive options”.

Or if there’s been someone not drinking alcohol and everyone else had shared wine, the others should say ”you pay less Sarah as we’ve all had drinks”. That’s how it has always worked when I’ve eaten out with various groups.

That’s fine if you have money to throw around but I’m not paying for someone else’s lobster and champagne. I used to but I don’t do stuff like that anymore. Like a lot of people, eating out is an expensive luxury for me now, I can’t subsidise someone else’s expensive eating choices, no matter how much I might enjoy their company.

Interesting that your friends who ordered the wagyu didn’t feel guilt over you paying for that but someone not wanting to is the bad guy.

Exactly.
I swiftly stopped inviting these people to group meals once I had the measure of them

I like the system at places like wagamama where you can all pay online and you can see how much each person has paid so each person just pays their full share.

I would never want someone else to subsidise my meal cost, it's horrifying behaviour.

I think people are saying you shouldn't split because they are imagining a £10 or £20 difference. But it is less than a fiver

Just don't split the bill, pay for what you've had, problem solved. I don't eat meat or dairy and rarely drink, and there's not often there's a dessert option I can have, so I don't do bill splitting ever, and most people have their own reasons for not splitting the bill. It's really not a big deal.

This is an interesting one.
I think if it was a one off, and this person was normally generous, similar to everyone else in terms of spending, I’d think nothing of it. And also think, well they’re out for a meal, surely they can order what they want, it’s not their fault everyone else wants a cheaper meal.
However if it was the type of person who often skipped buying their round of drinks, was usually frugal and didn’t contribute to group things, and they had form for this sort of thing, then I’d be a bit niggled that they didn’t say “oh my main was way more than everyone else’s, I’ll chuck in an extra tenner!”

But to be honest, to avoid anything like this, my friends and I ALWAYS just pay for our own. Usually one person pays for the meal and then puts a pic of the bill on our WhatsApp group and the next day, everyone works out what they owe and sends it, and we’ve never had an issue doing it this way. Everyone is honest and sends exactly what they owe, no one ends up out of picket, and it saves us all spending ages poring over the bill in the restaurant, working out who owes what.

I don't understand why people split the bill, surely it isn't much quicker or easier than just working out your share and paying accordingly? If I know someone else is paying I make sure not to choose the most expensive thing though.

This is exactly why I point blank refuse to split the bill, too many people take the piss! Don't order the expensive stuff just because people are subsidising you!

Particularly when I've just had a soft drink and others have had several cocktails or like OP said about people ordering steak etc.

No.

I pay for my own, if other people want to split it that's fine, but I'll only pay for what I've ordered (plus tip if applicable)

OPs family WhatsApp group: Hi all, it's Friday night again, shall we all go to the Harvester and secretly hate each other over jug of tap water like we do every week?

It's a bit tricky really, most people don't announce at the start how the bill is being split do they?

If I'm going out for a meal I want to order what I fancy, but if I had ordered something much more expensive and the bill was being split I'd throw extra in to cover it.

Glad most people say order what you want. I used to massively overthink what I ordered when out with others….now I order what I want and offer/insit to contribute more if my share is more expensive. The problem isn’t what BIL orders, it’s that he’s not paying for it!

Then you don't split the cost when eating out with that person. You just pay for yourself.