If you're sharing the cost of the meal there's certain things you don't go for

[alpacachino]

If you're out with a group and you usually split the cost of the meal you don't choose the mixed grill or the steak right? You stick to the main menu.

Or AIBU and just grumpy at my brother in law

If I went for a much more expensive main I'd compensate by drinking water or not having dessert or something.

I generally avoid splitting costs evenly unless it coincidentally turns out that we've all ordered virtually the same.

I agree OP, that's why I never split the bill and we always pay for our own. I don't like spending a tonne on eating out and can usually find something perfectly enjoyable for a reasonable price; im happy to pay that and don't want to subsidise someone who is evidently happy to spend more. With DH we have shared finances so just order what we want and am not bothered of course if he orders something expensive if he enjoys it as its both our money.

I wouldn’t care, it probably adds something like £2 each to a bill doesn’t it?

I don't split the bill unless it's with a close friend or family member I know won't take advantage/it'll even up over time.
I stopped after going out with an old friendship group, as a student. I didn't have much left til payday but spent £12 on a pasta dish and a soft drink. A few people had steaks and most had numerous cocktails.
The split ended up at £40 each, they grudgingly "subbed" me when I explained I didn't have that and paid only for what I'd had. I didn't pay it back either, was a good time to learn, early on, to speak up and not just pay for others.

Wetherspoons steak with an alcoholic drink on their menu is approx £13. A curry or burger with drink is approx £10. I couldn't get worked up about this.

Honestly with how easy it is to transfer money etc online now, we all find it better now for one person just to pay on the night, take a pic of the receipt, then share it in Whatsapp with a link to pay and everyone just pays for what they have in the days following. Avoids faffing around with multiple cards or calculators on the night itself and can just sort it the next day or so. And stops this kind of resentment.

If I was going out, I'd want to order what I actually want to eat, so if your payment method isn't allowing people to choose what they want then change it as it obviously isn't working.

Bill splitting is a tricky thing it’s fine when you are all on the same page but unless you have a proper conversation beforehand to say what you are paying for you just have to put up with it.

I don’t drink but my partner does so that normally evens out but I am finding now that I am also subbing people’s children’s meals one you barely notice but it quickly adds up.

Bollocks to that. I’m crap at cooking steak so having one in a restaurant is a real treat. No way would I forgo that to appease some arbitrary, made up ‘rules’.

I’ve just looked at our local Wetherspoons- the large mixed grill is £13.65 and the fish and chips is £10.08 (same price as the scampi). Is this really the sort of difference you’re thinking about? Because honestly if my main was £3 more than someone else’s and there were 4-5 of us I probably wouldn’t even think to offer more money, I would assume that this was broadly equal. Obviously if someone else wanted to pay individually I’d be happy to but it’s not the sort of price difference that would make me feel like I had to insist (that would normally be if my main was more than £5 than the others as a rule of thumb).

And if you don’t like the way your BIL treats your sister and think he’s a greedy bastard, probably a good idea not to go out for meals with him once a month, more if birthdays! I think this is a family ick situation where it’s bothering you disproportionately because you don’t like him and you see too much of eachother.

I think people should order whatever they want when out for a meal. But I also think of some has ordered more than everyone else they should chip in extra of their own accord. In my group we usually split but of two of us hate a bottle of wine we will always factor that into our payment.

I would feel someone was taking the piss of they consistently ordered more and never offered to pay more. Sounds like you can't change the situation but you can change what you do so I would just pay for yourself from now on.

Yeah I can't stand this either.
I'm not mean in the slightest but recently went out with a group of 12 work colleagues.
I was driving. They had 3 cocktails each, starters, mains, puds and Irish coffees to finish. They had spent about £70 each, I'd spent about less than £20.
I'm not a big eater and I'd just had a main and a lime and soda.
Let's just split it equally they said!!
No fecking way was I sharing that bill with them. The annoying thing was the expectation that everyone would pay the same.
I just said, right I'm off now, I'll pay for what I've had and a share of the tip on my way out.
Usually I'd have offered some of them a lift home (going well out of my way) but I reassessed that too.

I might be more tolerant of family, esp if I didn't want to upset my sister.

Exactly this.

I couldn't be arsed to sit watching what everyone else orders and fuming over it for the sake of a few quid. Absolutely sucks the joy out of going out for dinner.

Guessing you must all put in cash to pay, as it is?

Why don’t you say next time you haven’t got cash (I never have anyway) so can they take yours and your OH separately? Then going forward, that worked well for us so we’ll stick to that in future..

I have lunch a couple of times a month with some friends. We just pay our own, by debit card - venue is really happy to split it out for us. It works out really well because you can have what you fancy in terms of drinks and food without overthinking it.

True, but you could pay for it yourself? I doubt many people care what others order unless they are subsidising over the odds for it.

Honestly with how easy it is to transfer money etc online now, we all find it better now for one person just to pay on the night, take a pic of the receipt, then share it in Whatsapp with a link to pay and everyone just pays for what they have in the days following.

@Spoink are you crazy! There are families on here where this would easily end in 200 WhatsApp messages and someone eventually going NC because their niece had left the chat without paying and was seen having a Frappuccino the day after! Much better to sort it on the day by just paying what you owe.

Although on the other hand this would probably result in no further meals out which might be a good thing from the OP’s perspective here!

I probably could if it was someone I didn't like😊

Would expect someone having a meal that is half the price to split equally with you?

I don't agree there's any unwritten rule about what you order. I'll generally follow what others do around starters or pudding but if I want the steak then I'll have it.

@alpacachino you have options here.
You can continue to seethe about your BIL and his menu choices and do nothing.

You can ask to pay for what you've had.

You can ask your BIL to chip in more.

You can stop going out with them.

Surely you’re paying for the whole experience rather than nit picking over who is having what and at what cost. When we all go out no one minds or judges what anyone else is having, then we split the bill equally

Luckily I don't eat out with anyone like that so not an issue for me!

This. It’s a shared experience and it’s meant to be fun. How miserable to fume over a few quid

There is no unwritten role to say you can only order cheap things if eating out with others and splitting the bill. I'd hate to be lookin at lovely things on a menu and have to order something I didn't really want just so the cost was equal - that's a waste of my money really, ordering something I don't want. That said, whoever orders more expensive things should absolutely chip in more, that is definitely a rule!

For me it's usually as simple as 'I'll put in '£45 and you guys just do £35 because I had a steak', or whatever.

Absolutely. I’d much prefer to pay for myself and order precisely what I want.

I think this is unfair tbh. We don’t know what OP’s financial circumstances are.