If you're sharing the cost of the meal there's certain things you don't go for

[alpacachino]

If you're out with a group and you usually split the cost of the meal you don't choose the mixed grill or the steak right? You stick to the main menu.

Or AIBU and just grumpy at my brother in law

Nope, going out for dinner is usually a treat so I’m having what I want. I’m not making my choice because other people are having something cheaper and think there is an unwritten rule you have to do the same. And it’s definitely not greedy either.

If it was massively more expensive and we are splitting the bill I might say I’ll put more in. But I tend to find it evens out over time as next time I might not have something more expensive but someone else will.

If you are on a budget then I wouldn’t split the bill and would pay for what you’ve had.

Whether or not the rest of the family like it, you can tell the server that you and your partner will take a separate bill. Why on earth would anyone object to that?

I'm of the thought everyone should order what they want, which is why I am not a fan of just splitting a bill and will avoid where possible. I do prefer for everyone to just cover their own costs if it's not one person treating everyone.

If I do have to go to an "equally" split bill meal and I fancy a steak, lobster, or to finish with a nice brandy I will have it, however I always say I am putting into an extra x before the bill calculations start.

I can't stand people like this. I had a friend like this, clears throat, ex friend.

Give an inch....

There’s clearly not though is there?? If I go out for a meal I’ll order what I want to eat, same as your BIL, if you don’t want to split the bill you need to speak up and say so.

I think you’re made up this ‘rule’ in your own head.

In what way is it tight to not want to subsidise someone who is clearly taking advantage of the fact that hes making everyone else pay more?

I genuinely don't understand that way of thinking, can you explain where you're coming from with that?

I’m a fussy eater and having steak is always my fall back option if there’s nothing else I like. If nobody else has ordered something equal in value, then I will offer to pay more, but I certainly wouldn’t feel forced to order something I don’t want.
I don’t eat dessert but I wouldn’t care if others ordered one and I certainly can’t be arsed to mentally tot up the value of what everyone else has had.

Stop going out with them or order the most expensive 3 course meal and several cocktails.

That's exactly what all the groups I go out with do which is why I'm asking if there's now a widely available way to make it easier that I don't know about

That's the point of this aibu. I thought there was an unwritten rule

I live closer to the restaurant me and my family favour so am often not driving while they are, so I'm the one having 2 or 3 glasses of wine rather than one or none.
I always always offer to put in more £ or pay the tip. Finances are irrelevant, I'm not a CF and if I've used more of the overall bill quantity, I'll pay for it. I agree your BIL is greedy.

Good grief! This sounds like the worst night out ever! Unwritten rules about not ordering too much/ expensive food (clearly there’s not an unwritten rule as he’s not following it), half a shandy, people seething quietly over the main event because someone’s main costs a bit more, then family get “funny” about splitting bill.

Either just stop going, make your peace with it (even if the mixed grill is a tenner more, that’s £2.50 per person), order something equally expansive or just politely stick to your boundaries- maybe just go to the bar and pay for your own stuff and then tell the others what you’ve done, then scarper before they can get “funny”?

If course you order what you want but unless you're a selfish knob head you recognise that and chip in the extra, surely that goes without saying

I used to go for a pub lunch with a book group. They were all wealthy women apart from me. I was very surprised the first time that the Queen Bee requested separate bills. So we all went up separately afterwards to pay. All was itemised on the till so no hassle for anyone and no worrying about whether only Carol had had a pudding.
Conversely, meal out with the office where at the bar first, all the blokes were buying drinks and being generous. Then after the meal, splitting the bill, there was a big hooha about someone ordering garlic bread and not everyone eating it so shouldn't be paying for it.
I know which scenario I prefer. If it makes me look tight, then tough.

The is no unwritten rule no.

We go out for a meal with another couple occasionally and we always split the bill (I'd rather we just pay for ourselves but don't want to seem petty when the other 3 want to split). They always have a starter each, bottle of wine & obviously main course. As we've been short changed a few times in the past I now always have a starter when I didn't used to & whatever drinks I fancy! I can't imagine others having to subsidise if I have expensive taste. And others will always notice. Apart from my dh who likes to treat people 😕

Well you have got a few choices. You can stop going along with splitting the bill equally or stop splitting ther bill altogether, you can go off main menu yourself and see what happens, you can stop going, you can suck it up. If its an "unwritten rule" then how do you know about it and who set it? My answer to what i would do varies. With one group of work friends, we used to pay for what we had as we were all in different and variable financial positions. With others, where we were all in the same (better) financial position, we'd just have what we wanted and split the bill BUT even the "specials" weren't that much more than the standard. Does your bil try and weasel out of paying his share and is what he chooses very much more than what everyone else has....a main menu with sides can often add up to more than the special with less or no sides and adding in cheese or desert can bump the cost.

Because going out for a meal is a rare treat for most and it’s a social occasion- who knows maybe the BIL would be more than happy to pay for his own share but the mad family dynamics here mean that he’s not allowed? Or maybe he just loves mixed grills and thinks that because no one has said anything and they keep going to places with mixed grills and no one has actually SAID ANYTHING that no one has an issue?

I can’t imagine going for dinner and not ordering the meal I wanted to eat.

Of course it’s rude to order lots of extra sides or additional courses or drink far more alcohol than others if you are splitting equally. But to want to restrict the menu choices is joyless and stingy. And how much difference does one person in a group having the mixed grill make anyway? It can’t be much more than £15 more expensive than what you had OP. Split between everyone it’s almost nothing. You are totally unreasonable in my opinion. I can only think you just don’t like your BiL.

oh you thought there was a rule........

Incidentally OP how much is the difference in price normally, and how many people are at the meal?

I think the difference is you see it as them trying to purposely shortchange you, whereas they’re just simply ordering what they fancy in a non malicious way and because nobody has suggested getting separate bills they’ll not give it a thought - why wouldn’t you always have ordered whatever drinks you fancy?

He doesn't offer to chip in extra.

There isn’t, surely that was also evident by your BIL simply ordering what he would like to eat from the menu rather than from the reduced section of the menu you’ve decided in your own mind he’s ‘allowed’ to order from.