I’m fat because of my kids and husband

[ICantStopEatingg1]

I’m so fed up of constantly overeating. Before marriage and kids I was a size 8. Now I’m a size 20 (actually work trousers feel very tight but I refuse to go up any more). I’ve tried low carb, keto, slim fast, calorie counting and most recently NHS weight loss app. The thing is I know my main trigger - having to constantly cook and think of food for everyone in the family. I know I can’t help it for my kids and it’s not really them it’s my husband. I’m sorry to vent here but I cannot talk to anyone else. I might be over reacting here but I think he’s Mainly responsible for my weight gain. I’ll give an example:

I was super healthy mon- wed when in work and I have Thursdays and Fridays off. He’s working from home. Just to paint a picture he has a stressful job where he cannot take a break, lunch hours are non-existent as they are in client meetings all day. Not just him the whole team. High pressured city job which definitely pays a lot but is stressful in terms of what I just wrote. So I have to on my days off think of his breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. He will always say no when I offer something but I feel sorry for him so I make something and he will gobble it up within seconds at his desk which makes me feel bad for him! It’s a vicious cycle, I’m angry I have to keep thinking of feeding him but then feel guilty if I don’t.

he has never cooked a meal in his life. Weekends are the worst at I have a fussy eater who I have to keep trying to coax to eat. My other child is good at eating so will eat what ever anyone else is eating. I’m so fed up. They’ve all gone to Sleep ages ago but I’m sat here clearing away the plates and just do angry with life. Once I’ve cleared up I will be exhausted so I know I’ll be eating biscuits to give me a boost. I don’t want to be fat anymore but my family don’t make it easy!

How does he survive Mon to Weds when you're at work? Stop worrying about his eating on Thursday and Friday as a start point. He is a grown man. Do something for yourself on those days, you need to feel more in control of your life. The eating biscuits thing is to calm and soothe yourself.

My job can be stressful and I would comfort eat. Ive literally had to stop it. Replace it wutb going for a walk or a cup of tea. You're responsible for what you put in your mouth.

Sorry OP but this is a terrible excuse! I have three DC and a DH who I feed three meals a day plus snacks and I’m a size 6. I simply don’t eat every meal with them and if DH buys a takeaway I won’t eat one too unless I’m actually hungry. I still eat all the foods I want but only when I need to. It’s about listening to your own hunger queues and recognising other family members need more food than you do.

Hi OP,

I'm sorry you are feeling angry and you obviously would like to change your situation.

I have to say I see nothing in your paragraphs that sounds like your husband has done anything wrong at all. If he was cooking you unhealthy meals, yes. But you are seem to be in charge of the meals so you have the power to change this. So now you are probably in a good position to start a healthy meal plan and cut out the unhealthy snacks. It will take a lot of effort. I've started doing my twice-weekly shop with a big focus on eveything involving fruit and veg and unprocessed foods where possible. Snacks are fruit (for me and kids anyway). Dinner is meat and 2 veg. And once a week I do a big vegetable soup for lunches (some nice recipes on bbc good food, which I print out). Breakfast is porridge or soft-boiled egg (if I can be bothered before work).

As for the help you need, that's another issue. It sounds like you need some time to yourself a few times a week doing a hobby you enjoy- maybe one that involves some friends too, which would be good for your overall wellbeing, and one which helps with fitness (fitness doesn't need to be the main goal in order to benefit form it).

My husband is good and will do a big delicious evening meal at weekends, but he's also v quick to order takeaway and god help me if he does a food shop. Its all pringles and chocolate milk. But for the most part I'm in charge of meals and he just does the occasional weekend spree.

I'll be honest, I'm not quite sure what it is that's making you so stressed and resentful towards your husband and kids - because your set-up sounds pretty great to me.

You only work three days a week, you have school aged children and a husband who works long hours from home. You essentially have two days a week to yourself that you could use to do any number of things to benefit you and your eating habits - yet you grumpily spend them force-feeding your husband snacks and cleaning the car? Why?

DH clearly earns good money so use it to your advantage - pay for the car to be cleaned at a valet place, hire a gardener to come in and use your time off to do something that will benefit you. Pay for a gym membership, go for a walk, take up yoga or swimming or any other activity that will get you out of the house.

Stop feeding your husband every hour - he's an adult and doesn't need you to be fussing over him like you do. He clearly manages when you're at work so why don't you think he can manage when you're not?

It sounds to me like you've fallen into the role of martyr who likes to be needed - and when someone doesn't ask you to do something (like cooking or cleaning the car) you do it anyway because you think it will get you some kind of recognition. It won't - so stop.

Do you work? Because if you don’t and your children are at school then I think it’s fair enough you do cleaning/cooking etc. at the weekend he should do things but in the week that should be what you do. You’re probably exhausted because you’re so overweight (I am and Im trying to lose weight).

Haven’t read the whole thread but anyway if it’s been said it bears repeating:

Food is the caregiver's vice. You can’t indulge in self-destructive behaviours involving drugs or alcohol because you’re responsible for looking after a family and you need to be up early/drive/etc. You wouldn’t gamble away your savings or go shopping for endless new clothes or go out and flirt with strangers because you love your family and wouldn’t harm them.

The thing you do when you’re stressed to alleviate the feeling of being overwhelmed and give yourself a little hit of pleasure is eat: it’s low cost, doesn’t prevent you from fulfilling your caring responsibilities, and doesn’t harm anyone except yourself. As you say, it’s always available because you’re always having to be around food. It’s not DH’s fault (though that might be part of why you’re stressed).

Lots of good ideas on how to cut down here, but IMO you can’t ever do it until you understand why it’s happening. My only other advice would be to factor in kids’ leftovers in your daily diet i.e. accept you’re going to finish it and deduct the calories elsewhere.

Look at it this way, you’re prepping the right things for DH because you feel sorry for him. Why not feel sorry for yourself too,
and eat like you’re feeding a good friend you care about who is too busy to eat well?

so sorry you just said you work 3 days! I think those 2 days off some time should be allocated to cleaning and meals. Build in time for yourself to go for a walk or read.

I understand your frustration. I'm the same.
Also I went to the doctors and they can't just prescribe weight loss medication. They will pay for you to go to Slimming World or Weight Watchers. Both are rubbish and make no sense in regards to healthy relationship with food.
I downloaded myfitnesspal and do hiit or strength training. As my knees aren't what they used to be I do burpeegirl and Penny Barnshaw knee friendly all standing workouts. Good luck 👍

I would say it's the stress making you overeat. I have/had (slowly getting better) felt completely overwhelmed, overstimulated & sleep deprived and basically, started overeating. I gained 3 stone in a short period of time. I think it was probably in a time where I felt that I had no time for myself, food was the only thing I could have to enjoy.

Now that my youngest is less clingy and health needs have improved, I'm slowly becoming myself again, I have noticed that I have the urge and energy to make healthier choices and exercise.

I know what you are saying.

My DH expected meals for us that were too carby etc. On his nights to cook he'd offer up a dish of carbonara - masses of pasta, bacon, cheese, egg. No green veg. He was disgruntled when i sometimes did vegetarian food to be healthier. I did have to explain to him that i can't eat that way any more, and that even if he doesn't gain weight eating that way, its having hidden effects on his body/heart/arteries etc.

It was everything from how he reacted to healthier meals i cooked (badly) to choosing unhealthy things when he cooked, to not buying enough fruit/veg and ignoring my requests that he not add biscuits, crisps etc to the supermarket shop.

He has got loads better but it took years and tbh the main trigger was him gaining weight himself. Now he actually sticks to not buying unhealthy stuff, cooks much better meals on his night.

It didn't help that one of the kids had health issues and was underweight, and i was the one dealing with dietician etc about what they needed to eat to gain weight, i needed DH to do his share on that too.

I have seen a lot of people with your age of children suddenly have a bit of a re-set to re-evaluate life, healthiness etc. it’s so easy to drift into sacrificing too much of yourself for the children.

You have a good chance to bring back balance now both of yours are school age and you have two non working days during the week. I’d make sure you are doing something for you whether that’s an exercise class, going for a walk etc. if you’re in charge of food you can be planning healthy meals and calorie counting.

With the age of your children, it’s really easy to slip into eating leftovers or eating cake at their parties etc. I’ve noticed I’ve put on weight recently and I’m sure a lot of it has been picking at their leftovers/having takeaways because too knackered too cook. I’ve been trying really hard to plan better meals and re-love cooking again since the kids have gone back to school. And being militant about getting rid of uneaten food.

YABU to blame other people for you eating leftovers etc. Of course it’s tempting when the food is there but you need to dispose of the leftovers fast so you’re not tempted. There’s many recipes that aren’t too fattening and you could try reducing your portion size / increasing the veg. Your biggest problem is the inequality in housework etc. You need to have a very serious conversation with your DH. He needs to learn to cook.

I highly recommend the free "Defeat Your Cravings" book, podcast and community. This approach has really helped me develop strategies for dealing with food noise and the community is really supportive.

He is a grown man.
If he wants to eat Mc Donalds let him eat Mc Donalds.
Kindly - your weight is result of your choices, not anyone else fault.
If you are unhappy with it it’s within your power tk change it.

So he tells you not to bother but then indirectly complains when you don't! No wonder you feel guilty. However, he has no incentive to change this dynamic. Only you can do that. Guilt is difficult to overcome but reminding yourself that he is an adult, that he physically kept himself alive before meeting you and that you do not exist to meet needs that he could easily meet himself might help.

This is major victim behaviour. Take accountability for what you put in your mouth!
Put a picture of you now on the fridge and one from size 8 you if that's your goal

This. Op, you're giving off martyr vibes. The choices you make are your choices. If you are not happy with the current setup, you need to make changes to your behavior. You can ask others to change theirs, but if they won't it's up to you to take action.

You are clearly not happy. So, my first step in your situation is to have a discussion with your husband about this, if you haven't already. If he can't or won't make changes to the family dynamic, I would consider ending the marriage and to live in a way that works for you and the children.

Also, ick at a grown man who wants McDonalds several times a day.

Just all of you eat healthily?

I eat better because I have to provide healthy food for my children?

Obwalk a lot as I make sure they exercise every day

You’ve had a lot of advice on here but my biggest tip would be to have a goal to eat no more ultra processed food. (If you’re unsure - google ultra processed food.)

UPF is delicious. You want more and more (biscuits).

When you buy stuff that’s not UPF, you don’t tend to binge it.

Decide to stop buying it, and you’ll lose weight immediately.

I also highly recommend meal planning and freezing stuff so you’re not cooking every single meal of every day.

Can you rope your kids into cooking with you?

I’ve only read the first page.

I once read obesity / overweight described as the carers’ disease (clearly not exclusively!) - you need to function and run a household so you won’t be necking a bottle of wine a night or snorting coke, but you’ll self-medicate with food. That’s what the OP brought to mind.

perhaps things have moved on in the thread, apologies if so, but my advice would be applying some money to high-quality ready meals for you and your husband, and doing a weekly shop to include all snacks/whatever else he needs so that’s out of your head.

Once the kids are down, get headphones in and go for a short walk?

This is emotional eating and an eating disorder OP.

If you're well-off (as you imply) why not invest in some therapy? You could unpick why you behave like this.

It's not about fussy eaters, or your husband sitting at a desk all day.
The real reasons are more complicated and until you get to the bottom of those, you won't change.

Maybe also stop referring to your dress size. That is meaningless. If you say your weight and your BMI that is more relevant.

I wonder if your H is overweight too?
And your children will be, potentially?

Your posts describe 'disordered eating' .

That includes your behaviour around food (the need to 'care' for everyone), your own impulse eating, your H's needing to eat constantly while at a desk, and your kids being fussy eaters.

If you see yourself as the 'carer' for your family, this needs sorting or all of you will end up overweight or with food issues.

Maybe get some counselling to unravel it?

Good luck.

You're right in that food takes up a lot of headspace. Thinking about meals, shopping lists, preparing it, cleaning up after it. It's endless.
You and your family need to eat daily so this is a really important thing to manage.
Menu planning is boring but if you want to free up some time and reduce stress then just do it.
Do simple meals.
I'm not sure what you're making for your dh at lunchtime but a simple sandwich doesn't take too long if you want to prepare him something. Make it in the morning while you're doing breakfast for the kids and leave it in the fridge.

Snacks for kids could be mainly fruit, crackers or something baked like a croissant, bun if they're very hungry.

Don't do things like get strawberries because there are none. Teach your dc that sometimes we don't have what we need and we need to be flexible.

Leftovers should go straight into a bin. It's not more wasteful than you acting like the bin so switch your mentality.

Eating biscuits late at night because you're stressed is actually adding to your stress. You're not treating yourself, it sounds more like a punishment so switch your thinking around that.
What would you tell a friend who had a stressful day and wanted to unwind? Most people would suggest things like a bath, sit and watch something on tv, do some meditation, have a cup of tea, have an early night, and so on.
You wouldn't really say "sit and eat a bunch of biscuits" because it's not a good way to relax every night.

Sorry but he sounds pathetic, hes a grown man and you work and do everything around the house and with the children. He evidently copes fine when youre at work, he needs to grow up and make sure he has accessible food when hes working, hes more than capable of doing this. In terms of other meals do meal plans and id recommend doing an online shop so can just add what you actually need without being tempted. As his job is so important and well paying that he can't help you at all with anything then use some of that money to outsource the cleaning or whatever; that's fair.

Try Hello Fresh or Gousto. Family can help choose meals when you do your week’s order. They send just exactly what you need for dinners and no more decisions to make. Then you just need to buy/ get delivered breakfast and lunches, which can be simple and repetitive. Keep a stock of fruit, nuts, and just don’t buy biscuits or other junk - no one needs it. Leave your husband to sort himself, really. He’ll be ok. Start a new routine on your days off of going for a walk/swim/exercise class etc at the time when you might be fretting about feeding him.

These two statements are not mutually exclusive, they are both true.

There’s plenty of evidence which shows that restrictive mindsets leads to bingeing, so diets don’t work in the long term hence all the yo yo-ing that happens.

Diets train out our intuition and cause us to become out of touch with our natural hunger and satiety signals