I’m fat because of my kids and husband

[ICantStopEatingg1]

I’m so fed up of constantly overeating. Before marriage and kids I was a size 8. Now I’m a size 20 (actually work trousers feel very tight but I refuse to go up any more). I’ve tried low carb, keto, slim fast, calorie counting and most recently NHS weight loss app. The thing is I know my main trigger - having to constantly cook and think of food for everyone in the family. I know I can’t help it for my kids and it’s not really them it’s my husband. I’m sorry to vent here but I cannot talk to anyone else. I might be over reacting here but I think he’s Mainly responsible for my weight gain. I’ll give an example:

I was super healthy mon- wed when in work and I have Thursdays and Fridays off. He’s working from home. Just to paint a picture he has a stressful job where he cannot take a break, lunch hours are non-existent as they are in client meetings all day. Not just him the whole team. High pressured city job which definitely pays a lot but is stressful in terms of what I just wrote. So I have to on my days off think of his breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. He will always say no when I offer something but I feel sorry for him so I make something and he will gobble it up within seconds at his desk which makes me feel bad for him! It’s a vicious cycle, I’m angry I have to keep thinking of feeding him but then feel guilty if I don’t.

he has never cooked a meal in his life. Weekends are the worst at I have a fussy eater who I have to keep trying to coax to eat. My other child is good at eating so will eat what ever anyone else is eating. I’m so fed up. They’ve all gone to Sleep ages ago but I’m sat here clearing away the plates and just do angry with life. Once I’ve cleared up I will be exhausted so I know I’ll be eating biscuits to give me a boost. I don’t want to be fat anymore but my family don’t make it easy!

A lot of people are criticising you for the family set up. I'll just assume that you are fine with it and don't want to change.
So things to think about

• don't buy treats that you like to eat. So if the kids like biscuits, buy ones you don't like if they exist. Or buy a different treat that doesn't appeal. No biscuits in the house that you want to snack on (this is true for any snacky foods)
• it's hard to not pick at leftovers and I also hate waste. So the trick is to make slightly more and make it a portion that goes in the fridge. So kids meal Tuesday dinner becomes Wednesday lunch for DH. Portion the "spare" meal immediately and put in fridge so it's out of sight. This has dual benefit of helping to alleviate another meal plan for you.
• make any sweet treat frozen fruit (mango, cherries are good). You cannot eat these quickly (don't defrost just eat a few mins out of freezer) and make you quite full as you eat slower and have water content inside
• eat your veg portion whilst you prep dinner. So if you're chopping carrots or whatever for dinner, eat your portion raw and whilst you're prepping. This will fill you up first and also stop any glucose spike.
• try following glucose goddess on Insta, she had a few easy tips to follow to help with cravings for sweet things

Good luck

I only make breakfast for DD (I don’t eat breakfast) and on weekends Dh makes breakfast for him and DD.

You can always just leave a sandwich for your DH, I wouldn’t bother with snacks at all for a grown man. If Dd is hungry she gets something easy like fruit or yoghurt. DH just doesn’t snack and if he is peckish he’ll find something (we have nits etc).

We have a fussy eater, we just eat whatever is she will eat with extra bits on the side, I’m not cooking more than one meal. I would also consider a meal service etc or prepped meat etc (I get skewers etc from the butcher and just buy hoummous and pita and salad etc).

I do have some sympathy for you, on my own meals would be quick and easy and there would be 2 of them. But if it’s not possible for your DH to cook more meals you need to pare down the offerings. Quick things are a packet of prawns, pesto and pasta, can be done in one pot. Also helping clear up after meals should be a non-negotiable, even if it’s just clearing the table.

In my opinion, you’re overeating because you’re mad at your husband. and probably lots of other things! It’s probably got nothing to do with prepping food for everyone and thinking of food all the time, and everything about how you feel about this. And it’s not what you eat, it’s how you eat.

There are a few podcasts, a lot of whom have their own paid for content, but the free podcasts help you on the right track. I like Corinne Crabtree, her podcast is losing 100lbs with Corinne Crabtree. I use her paid content. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat about it! Good luck!

Is your husband overweight too?

Someone sitting at a desk all day shouldn't need constant food as you describe.

If I were you, I would corner DH for a few hours some Sunday and show him how to make a few freezable dinners such as spaghetti Bol, Shepard's pie. Meals that will do him and the DC during the week so as you can focus on something healthier for yourself. Or treat yourself to a hello fresh subscription while you try get back on track?

As for snacking - just don't buy crap like biscuits. I managed to curb my evening snacking (I was lethal for chocolate, crisps, biscuits) by simply not having any treats and brushing my teeth early in the evening to stop myself. Nowadays I have absolutely no interest in eating past about 7pm

Ok read your other posts, you DH is definitely the problem, he needs to pull his finger out. Dh is really busy often working in the evening, yet still manages to be involved with DD (he organised and submitted her entry for a competition etc) cooks for her, and does chores.

You just sound exhausted.

I think it's two issues. Your husband needs to step up and you need ( as I've had to do) to address your relationship with food. The only person putting unhealthy food in your body is you. I know shovelling a few biscuits makes our bodys feel good for a short time but in the long run it just makes us feel guilty and heavier! Please take into account that bodies also change and metabolism changes as we get older. I think your husband needs to pre prep his lunch in a lunch box and have it by his side for lunch although living like that off Maccies and not stopping will put his risk of health problems up no end.

Is your husband overweight? If he is I would say you should think about pushing breakfast, lunch, tea and snacks on him as he sits at a desk. He manages Mon-Wed - unless he is wasting away I would just let him manage the same way on Thurs/Fri or take him lunch when you make yours but leave it at that.

I think your difficulty tackling your diet is most likely from your low mood at being so busy looking after everyone else all the time. So stopping waiting on your husband with breakfast/lunch/tea/snacks will help with that.

I also think as it sounds like your household income is very good you might be able to throw a little more money at the problem - e.g. you spent Friday cleaning the car - instead spend £40 having a valet? Also don't spend one of your 2 precious days off doing shopping - do an online shop and arrange for it to come in the evening so you aren't spending your day off on it and your husband can help to put it away.

If I were you I think the very first thing to start with is doing something for you on one or both mornings you are off. This could be a walk, a swim or meeting a friend for a coffee. You need that time after taking care of everybody else's needs all week.

I have started to find time for a jog/walk in our local forest once or twice a week while the kids are at school. I prioritise this going straight after school drop off. It makes me feel much more resilient mentally - although it leaves me less time for cleaning and that shows at home. I think only when you are able to lift your mood a little by putting yourself first will you be able to tackle your eating habits.

Eat the same things each week (timetable) and do one big weekly shop, healthy snacks only. If you don't have something then people will have to go without.

My take away (excuse the pun) from this is your relationship with food. You use high sugar foods “to calm down”. I think if you addressed this you would lose weight.

Your weight is your responsibility.

Because all day he’s not helped me. I’ve made all the breakfast, lunch, dinners, snacks for everyone in the family. Now I’m clearing up all the dinner stuff after getting kids to bed. I just want someone to take one day of not thinking of everyone’s food away from me.

This has nothing to do with your weight tough. If you think the load isn’t fair, although it’s fair you deal with the kid’s food on your 2 days off, then address it. But stop blaming that on you overeating. The two aren’t linked.

I have all the food responsibilities on my head too. Food plan a week ahead, get some healthy cookbooks or use good food. Or use hello fresh. Carefully plan an online shop and don’t buy the junk. Get some nuts, oatcakes, dates etc to snack on. Greek yog hurt and berries. Mh dh has dinner left overs for lunch the next day so no making lunch for him.

This, why is it such a drama chore to buy, cook and think about food? It's something everyone does. Breakfast is easy, cereal pr porridge, even if you are making it for everyone, one extra portion isn't arduous. Dh 'manages' when you're at work mon-weds, so am sure doing his own lunch thur/Fri is manageable? And well if both dc are at school Thurs Fri, then that's down/planning/exercise time?

There's a lot in your posts, @ICantStopEatingg1 that makes me feel really sympathetic to you and unfortunately a lot of posters on here really like to stick the boot in when it comes to anything to do with being overweight.

The number of diets you list that you've tried is a classic yo-yo dieter issue and all of these make people gain weight over time. You're not the odd one out. They're unsustainable and 95% of people regain everything they lose and more - do that multiple times over the years and it adds up. You aren't lazy or greedy; you've worked hard at losing weight but the strategies that we're sold usually make us heavier in the end, however desperately we try. Over years and years, the willpower drains away because of the repeated failure - and we internalise that failure believing it's our fault rather than the fact that diets themselves are proven to make almost everyone fatter.

You say you're 'super healthy' mon-wed and I wonder what that looks like? Is your idea of super healthy actually intensely restrictive, triggering a compensatory binge response on the other days? Or maybe are you just worn down from years of the diet-binge cycle and can't bring yourself to do it anymore? You're tired, stressed and unsupported and that makes it hard to lose weight physically and emotionally.

I would say fuck the gardening, the car cleaning and feeding the husband on Thursday and Fridays, it's the perfect opportunity for you to do something for yourself- a walk, a swim, an audio book or podcast. Do not hang around the house making food for a man who can look after himself! I despise meal planning, and feeding fussy kids is very dispiriting so I sympathise on that and don't have a solution except make it as simple and easy as you can.

But mainly - get out on your days off. I prioritise caring for my body and soul over caring for the house. So I'll put doing exercise I enjoy over tidying and cleaning. I matter more than the housework. Get some space to recharge, and treat yourself with compassion and understanding.

I think you're over eating because you're tired, exhausted and stressed by many parental tasks of which preparing everyone's meals and worrying about whether they have eaten/what they will eat is just one. Constantly being around food doesn't help but I would guess the other issues are as powerful.

Eating more in your own home than you do at work maybe reflects a tendency to eat more away from others than you do in front of other people. I do this. I think my subconscious knows I eat too much. I am also too busy at work but my lack of calories on these days seems to switch me into home time binge eating.

I am trying something new this week - only allowing myself to eat when I am sitting at the table. I'm hoping that sitting looking at the pack of biscuits I'm devouring is going to be harder than munching through them in front of the TV!

I'm sorry but I just dont get how you preparing everyone's meal has made you go up to a size 20? I make all 3 meals for my family including snacks and I have stayed the same weight. I think you need to take responsibility for what you are putting in your mouth.
Leave your husband to make his own meals. Hes not going to waste away and he has told you he doesnt want anything so leave him be.

I am confused re what makes you finish the leftovers after the children, just don't.

When does she get to relax on any of her". Time off" then?

I once struggled with weight gain and if I get a pound every time someone tells me to eat less, I'd be rich beyond my wildest dream...
I did eventually lose weight, not by eating less but by eating better.
In my experience, sugary food is the worst offender, so I'd completely cut out food with any obvious added sugar (all sweets / biscuits / cake / desserts) or sugar substitute (that sounds counter intuitive but the signal sugar substitute sends to the brain would induce craving) and eat fresh fruit if the sugar craving sets in. That alone should help a long way. Alcohol is another that is both high in calories and appetite inducing. It is probably too difficult to cut out alcohol but whatever you are drinking now, half that. If you do these 2 things for 4 weeks, you should start to see results and will hopefully set you on the right path.
Planning healthy meals is difficult but there are quite a number of meal box companies out there where they send you the ingredients and the recipes so all you need to do is choose the meal you want to cook for the next few days and the shopping will be done for you. That should help with the stress.
Good luck!

What does he eat on the days he is working from home and you work? Because that's what he should be doing on Thursday and Friday.
There is no need for you to be bringing him snacks and lunch and whatever.
Stop pandering to him and the kids. If there are no strawberries for the porridge then everyone will have to have plain porridge and if they don't like that then tough. No need to be going out to the shops to get strawberries.
Stop having biscuits in the house. If they aren't there you can't eat them.

You can meal plan healthy breakfasts and evening meals. Also plan the children's packed lunches if they take them to school. You and he are responsible for your own food during the day, so you would have whatever healthy lunch you have been taking to work (you say you eat ok on work days) and eat similar on Thursday and Friday and he has to get his own lunches every day. So what if his is job is "so stressful". This is absolute nonsense. If a job is that bad that he doesn't have time to grab something to eat and have a 20 minutes break then he should find somewhere else with better working conditions. I don't believe it. I've worked in some pretty stressful environments and I've still always managed to get something to eat, even if I did have to eat it at my desk.

Stop feeling guilty about him and his "stressful" job. And stop using him as an excuse for your own overeating. I know it's hard but you do need to make changes

I think if you’re getting so angry over this and then using food as a means to calm yourself down you do need to try some therapy in addition to some of the lifestyle changes other posters have suggested.

A good tip that worked for me was each time I wanted chocolate or something unhealthy either out of rebellion or frustration, was to buy hand cream, or a lip gloss. Anything to bolster my self worth without piling on the pounds. Some body butters and moisturisers smell so lovely that using them can reduce food cravings. If you combine that with a cup of tea or coffee, you can extend the time between meals.

I found Slimming World amazing too. It sounds like you enjoy preparing meals and maybe DH could start helping too, a lot of their meals are fairly easy to make and if you do need to buy them in, they are available from Iceland.

Fatty and sugary foods are addictive. My husband is a very loveable sugar addict and I have found it hard at various points in our life together. Ignore any unkind replies and see trying to solve this issue as something restorative that you do for yourself. It might surprise you how quickly your family follows your lead.

Let go of the guilt of feeding dh - he copes when your not there. Buy him whatever snacks he would like and leave him to it.

Make the kids have school dinners so don’t need a big meal when they get home so no leftovers for you to eat

get hello fresh or similar to help take off the mental load of what to cook- ideally have a conversation with dh about this, get him involved with helping to cook etc, be honest about the impact on your physical and mental health