I’m fat because of my kids and husband

[ICantStopEatingg1]

I’m so fed up of constantly overeating. Before marriage and kids I was a size 8. Now I’m a size 20 (actually work trousers feel very tight but I refuse to go up any more). I’ve tried low carb, keto, slim fast, calorie counting and most recently NHS weight loss app. The thing is I know my main trigger - having to constantly cook and think of food for everyone in the family. I know I can’t help it for my kids and it’s not really them it’s my husband. I’m sorry to vent here but I cannot talk to anyone else. I might be over reacting here but I think he’s Mainly responsible for my weight gain. I’ll give an example:

I was super healthy mon- wed when in work and I have Thursdays and Fridays off. He’s working from home. Just to paint a picture he has a stressful job where he cannot take a break, lunch hours are non-existent as they are in client meetings all day. Not just him the whole team. High pressured city job which definitely pays a lot but is stressful in terms of what I just wrote. So I have to on my days off think of his breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. He will always say no when I offer something but I feel sorry for him so I make something and he will gobble it up within seconds at his desk which makes me feel bad for him! It’s a vicious cycle, I’m angry I have to keep thinking of feeding him but then feel guilty if I don’t.

he has never cooked a meal in his life. Weekends are the worst at I have a fussy eater who I have to keep trying to coax to eat. My other child is good at eating so will eat what ever anyone else is eating. I’m so fed up. They’ve all gone to Sleep ages ago but I’m sat here clearing away the plates and just do angry with life. Once I’ve cleared up I will be exhausted so I know I’ll be eating biscuits to give me a boost. I don’t want to be fat anymore but my family don’t make it easy!

This is a classic example of what people call eating your feelings. You're pissed off and stressed out because your husband doesn't pull his weight. Instead of dealing with the imbalance, you stress eat. However, recognize that this is your choice. You have other options for dealing with these feelings. You can try to negotiate a more equitable arrangement. If he refuses, you can end the relationship. When you are stressed you can take a walk, do some yoga/meditation, listen to soothing music or whatever you do when you want to feel calmer. You can see a therapist to help you to deal with your feelings in more positive ways.
Eating excessively is a habit and habits can be broken, but it won't happen if you don't take responsibility for your habit and just blame it on others instead.

Develop a more healthy attitude about food and adopt a healthier diet. Get regular exercise. This will help you to feel better about yourself in addition to taking weight off. You must be extremely persistent about losing weight and the lifestyle change that enables it has to be permanent. There are no shortcuts. The weight loss shots are not a permanent solution either. The weight will just pile back on if you don't change your lifestyle.

The only person responsible for your weight is you. Unless people are literally force feeding you, YOU are choosing to put the food into your mouth.

Also stop forcing your husband to eat when he’s told you no. He is a grown adult who can get his own breakfast and lunch if he wants it. If hoods company doesn’t provide adequate breaks he needs to address that as it’s illegal but he could still sort himself out if he wanted to.

If your child is picky but no one else is, then just cook food that they will eat.

YOU are the one doing all of this.

Join the gym and go there on your days off and focus on yourself. Your husband can feed himself those days!! Agree hello fresh could be good for you. Sounds like you aren’t happy with carrying the mental load of the food for everyone - I get that, I feel like I’m running a restaurant tbh. I don’t want to run a restaurant with my life but often I am thinking of three meals a day for everyone! It is hard.
I think for you batch cooking and no snacking could be the way forward. And addressing why you feel there’s no balance. I think you’re not seeing the real reasons you’re pissed off..

In fairness, some people have been on a version of keto for years. It’s particularly good if you are diabetic/pre-diabetic because the foods you eliminate/minimise are those which spike blood sugars. It’s recommended by the NHS for people who need to control their blood sugar, regardless of weight loss. And you don’t need to be diabetic to have better control of your blood sugar. Regular spikes aren’t helpful for long term health.

Keto is also quite an easy diet to follow as you just cut out refined carbs, processed food and sugar. That means you don’t have the agonising about how much you can eat of each thing. When you reach a healthy weight, you can increase your carb allowance slightly. It’s a way of eating you can follow for life and it helps to tackle inflammation and rising blood sugar by keeping carbs under control. Most of us eat too many simple carbs (and sugars) because they’re easy and taste good - and that increases the risk of diabetes, and inflammation.

You can have protein, fruit, veg, healthy fats and even complex carbs (but only a modest amount). There’s no reason to be ever hungry on keto because you’re not stuck with tiny portion sizes. And there are sweet things you can eat if you are craving a dessert.

I’m not a fan of faddy diets so I was drawn to keto as many people adopt it as a permanent change - although in reality it’s more low carb rather than true keto when done on a maintenance level. Still the same principles though.

I agree with tackling the psychological causes of over eating - it’s vital for long-term success, and to stick to a healthy eating plan.

I found calorie counting to be a massive faff and I noticed that the same calories were processed by my body in different ways depending on the nutritional content. Anything sugary goes onto my belly, even if the calories are allowed and within my daily limit. So for me, calorie counting is time-consuming and not amazingly effective.

I’m not trying to convert anyone to keto - it’s important to choose a diet that works for a person’s food preferences and body. I just wanted to mention that keto isn’t a fad diet, it’s focussed on whole foods and not processed junk, and in many cases, it’s recommended by the NHS.

OP why does making all these meals take so long - do you go to town on every meal? The act of specifically shopping for strawberries for porridge suggests you might.
Does your feeling of guilt if you even consider not feeding your stressed out DH mean you take huge pride in the meals you make? Doesn't sound like you're providing toast and sandwiches that would take half an hour for example.
Do you feel the way to a man's heart is through his stomach? Is your DH also overweight? Are your DC? What ages are they?
Maybe you need to look at that and reduce the effort and calories you put into every meal and regain some time for you in between so you can start walking the dog/exercising more.

All of this. And stop cleaning the car and anything else you can get away with not doing. I never clean my car. Its dirty, so what?

Make simple healthy food that will allow you to lose and control your weight. Everyone else is welcome to have some or not eat, their choice.

If you're feeling really generous, ask everyone to come up with a couple of suggestions within this remit to include in the regular meal plan.

Keep frozen berries in the freezer for porridge so you never have to make special trips out.

Another vote for mounjaro. You could be a size 12 in six months time.

I was headed in the same direction as you and now I look and feel great. If you're a high income family and can afford the 130-200 a month then you have nothing to lose by giving it a go.

OP, you’re having a bit of a hard time on here, I think.

I have a high pressured job and the times I have been most stressed in my career I have gained pounds rather than lost. I’ve never understood people who don’t eat when stressed. The same happened when I had a baby who, for months, didn’t sleep for hours on end every single night. The exhaustion made it harder for me to make healthier choices like taking even a little more time required to make nutritious meals and go to the gym. We can crave sugar and carbs when stressed. So I get that part. Yes, we need to be more disciplined, everyone will tell you, as if we don’t know that.

However, you need to deal with the reason for your stress, which is seemingly a contributing factor in your weight gain, and it sounds like it’s the imbalance in your marriage. My husband is also a City banker and has a senior position managing off-shore teams which can mean calls and meetings around the clock. But he’s also a hands-on parent who has always helped during night feeds and wakeups.

It will be hard for you to turn back the clock as it sounds like he has become accustomed to being treated like a child by his wife. You need a conversation where you make it clear this will not go on a moment longer and why this is important: for you, your children and your marriage too. Your children need their mum for as long as possible; they need to see healthy role models in terms of your eating habits. McDonald’s should be a rare treat for adults and children. They also need to see a happier/healthier relationship where men don’t just earn the money and not lift a finger with everything else that contributes to looking after and raising a family.

In terms of quick fixes, I’d be choosing a couple of healthier cereals each week. Have a constantly full fruit bowl (another on your husband’s desk) for the days when your husband claims he is even too busy to spend the seconds it takes to pour some into a bowl with some milk. A piece of fruit will also make cereal more balanced for children and you too.

Lunch would be a sandwich and, for your children, healthy snacks including a different piece of fruit and some kind of salad/veg sticks with a dip like hummus, Greek yoghurt, pieces of cheese etc... If your children will only eat sugary yoghurts, try mixing some fruit into it like blueberries. It sounds like you don’t really need to worry about making packed lunches for work for your husband as you can afford for him to buy lunch on office days. They are plenty of Prets etc and it’ll take a minute for him to pop in for a sandwich, soup or salad.

By keeping breakfast and lunch simple to start with, you just have to meal plan dinner. If I were you, I’d make some choices you can have over a couple of days to save even more cooking time to free you up to rest and have time for yourself, perhaps even to exercise: lasagne, curries, saucy pasta dishes, salads, soup with crusty bread… Fair enough if you do all the cooking and that’s your choice but I would encourage him to start learning simple dishes on the weekend at first. Otherwise it’s going to fall to shit when you decide to make plans one evening.

Mounjaro isn’t really going to help OP if her husband still doesn’t pull his weight at home. In fact, if he doesn’t learn fast, I imagine OP would end up being on Mounjaro for a very long time as she’d still be craving unhealthy food and not having the time to prioritise her heath years down the line.

Mounjaro also doesn’t help her children, seeing their father do nothing to contribute to a home and family beyond earning money.

Quick fix that actually wouldn’t fix much here.

Poor you OP. Just the mental load of planning and cooking multiple meals daily for a family is indeed challenging. My best advice would be to make small changes and stick with them over time. Ditch the evening biscuits and have a dish of yogurt with frozen berries instead? Batch cook and plan for at least 4 days worth of meals that include plenty of vegetables and protein. Cut out drinks except for water, tea and coffee. Find time to walk during the day. See it as an investment in your health and happiness. Good luck.

Good morning OP.
I was a size 24 two years ago. I'm now a 18 and still dropping having lost five stone. I was also a food production mother!
When I gave up wine I gave up crisps and cheese. I then used nutricheck. I aimed for 1600 calories but didn't worry too much. Personally I can't exercise due to a disability. However I can tell you I deeply regret not doing this sooner. I wasted twenty years feeling embarrassed.
My husband can't cook but he can feed himself. I currently have four adults in the house including the original ocd fussy eater. I don't like food boxes but I also don't like waste. I made it easy for myself two years ago and bought my groceries from Marks and spencer. High quality, good portion control and I bung it in the oven or air fryer (get one if you haven't already) : salmon, chicken, steak plus veg or salad. That's it. Pizza Friday. Posh fruit and yoghurt for snacks. I don't do breakfasts bar Sunday. I'd put the cereals in cannisters and let the children get their own with berries if you like.
It can feel like a bloody food factory when they are small. You have money, spend it. I had therapy too. I found my drinking and overeating was a form of self harm. I had been a carer to my late parents so I had a lot of built up trauma there. I was literally wearing my grief.
I am thinking about the jabs for my last three stone but I'm on quite complex meds for my autoimmune conditions otherwise I'd have them like a shot. Make the changes for you. You don't need to be skinny just a sensible weight. Clothes are also easier to buy. I hope this helps.

I'm sorry, OP but you must take responsibility for the food you put in your mouth. No one's holding a gun to your head, saying "eat this or else!". Own what you eat, the choices you make, the person you are - blaming others for those choices is lying to yourself.

She's not saying they force her to eat badly - she's saying that constantly having to think for the whole family about their meals and doing all the prep/clear up, means that food is always on her mind. It's difficult to lose weight when your lifestyle means there's no mental escape from it!

OP I'd go to M&S and buy dh a bunch of microwaveable ready meals for lunch and if you feel compelled to feed him, bung one on the microwave.
Start to make one family evening meal and everyone can eat it or not - the alternative is a sandwich and piece of fruit.
They'll all be fine.

I can’t have biscuits in the house, I just eat them. I am trying to lose weight at the moment and I am trying to eat less calorie versions of the same food as the family ie don’t put potatoes on my plate, makes a mince and veggie spag bhol and eat the sauce without pasta.

You sound unhappy, but are still deluding yourself. I get that, I've been there. Once you adopt the mantra of 'my mouth, my responsibility', you will start to lose weight.

Good luck!

It sounds like you're eating because you're tired and feel over worked.

I'd cut back on tasks, if I were you. Make it easier in yourself.

Your husband's meals are his own problem. Don't feed him unless you're cooking for the whole family, or you're literally having exactly the same for your own lunch and making a double portion is no extra trouble at all. If he gets a headache, it might remind him to eat. If he gets no breaks, he'll have to stash up before starting his day. Busy, maybe, but this can be solved by himself with a bit of planning ahead.

As for snacks for yourself and the DC. How about making a "snack drawer" in the fridge with easy and healthy favourites? Cut up fruits and vegetables will tempt both kids and adults. Things like cut up bell peppers, cucumber sticks, carrot sticks, small tomatoes, apples, grapes, or the like. You might find yourself grazing on the red bell peppers instead of biscuits. Put in a little string cheese and yoghurt cups for the children as well, and have some low fat/whole grain crackers in an air-tight box. Encourage the children to help themselves.

And make family meals as easy as possible. Cook large portions of things like spaghetti bolognese, lasagna or whatever you like, enough to feed the family for two days, so you only have to think about dinner every second day. Lots of veg will bring down the price as well as the calorie count. If fussy-eater won't eat dishes with chuncky veg in it, try blending them into the sauce. Onion, bell peppers, carrots, canned tomatoes and even some fresh red cabbage can all be lightly fried in a small amount of oil and then boiled and blended with an immersion blender and combined with meat for a pasta sauce. White sauces can have a large amount of lightly boiled and blended cauliflower in it with barely anyone noticing. Peas and broccoli will make for a lovely and fun green sauce. They all work well with chicken, too.

As other posters said, you'll need to decide for yourself to stop eating unhealthy snacks. Your DH really can't do that.

And lastly, it sounds like you feel over-worked and fed up with the division of tasks. Stop feeding your DH, and ask him to take care of himself and give you some breaks from the house tasks. Be specifik - "please feed the kids, but no take-out, please!" is fine to tell him. But do trust his judgement and leave him to it, even if you disagree with his ways. Even having McDonalds every now and then won't kill them. And you need to start thinking of ways to cut corners for yourself - both in terms of getting your DH to take over, and in terms of lowering your own expectations and allowing yourself the lazy way out whenever possible. It's hard in the beginning, but it does help and frees up some time for self care. It sounds like you need it.

Good luck.

This happened to.me too. I realised that I was acting like a bin, eating kids left overs and too much food. I started cooking less food for everyone. I replaced my mains with a chicken breast or thin steak. I still had the same rice/potato/oven chips as them. I downloaded my fitness pal app. I stuck to my calories. I also started fasting until lunch time most days. So my first meal would.be lunch, dinner then a snack.i would drink tea/coffee/water in the mornings. I've lost 3 stone, I'm now a size 12. I'm aiming for a 10, how I used to be before children. Take back control of your life. Throw away kids leftovers on their plates. If you can't then box it up and put into the fridge, for the kids to eat for tea! Make salads to go with dinner, that is filling and nutritious. Cut out sugary drinks and junk food. I stopped buying junk. You cam do this. Imagine how amazing you'd feel, to.drop a few dress sizes! I wish you the best of luck.

Whoever cooks, does not clear the table/do the washing up. That's been true in my house even as a student. So put that rule in place immediately!

Your kids are old enough to set the table, clear the table, empty the dishwasher (of non-sharp/delicate things).

Stop making your DH breakfast and lunch - that's on him. It will probably mean you eat separately during work days and that's fine, it's as if he's physically at work.

Don't buy biscuits/chocolate. If you're that desperate, you'll have to leave the house (walk) to get them. Have a cup of tea instead.

Make lifestyle changes but not just food focused ones - you need feel less resentful and less of a housework martyr. Your children need to see good family housework dynamics and pitch in.

A PP described what you are doing as “eating your feelings” which is spot on. I did this for 20 years. Everyone else came first and I was overweight and resentful. I think your DH’s failure to help with housework is a separate issue and the only person making you fat is, sadly, you. Your DH is not a toddler so he doesn’t need snacks. Take him a sandwich for lunch and a fruit if you feel bad for him. Go get some foil trays today for freezing and batch cook a bit pot of bolognese mince. You can put this on potatoes, pasta, even toast in an emergency for DC. You need some non-cooking evening options so you don’t feel so overwhelmed.

Stop buying all snack items except fruit - you can’t eat it if it’s not there. You do need to exercise but weight loss is something like 85% what you eat so start there and see if you can add exercise later - all at once can be a bit unmanageable. Try to stick to 3 small meals a day and download my fitness pal for calorie counting. There’s tons of inspiration on Insta if you need it. Good luck!

Here is what you need to do.

1. write a list of healthy breakfasts, lunch and dinners and snacks enough for 2 weeks. Print all the recipes, make a weekly shopping list and a schedule. This will be what you eat on a fortnightly cycle. You do the thinking upfront so you no longer need to think about what to cook on a daily basis you just consult the schedule and make it.
2. decide on your eating window. Ideally it should only be for 8 -12 hours eg 7-7 or 10-7. Outside of this time you eat nothing. If you feel hungry drink some water. Google intermittent fasting it gives the body a rest from constantly having to digest and process food and has a myriad of benefits. If you are strict on your eating window the amount of calories you eat will naturally reduce as you simply don’t have enough time to eat what you do on a day where you can eat all day long eg. Over 16 hours.
3. Get tough on bad eating habits, use a smaller plate for portion control, accept kids waste food it’s not your job to eat their leftovers (hell box it up and your husband can have it for breakfast/lunch). Stop drinking calories, don’t eat UPFs, if you want a treat make it from scratch, aim for 30 fruit/veg/nuts/seeds a week
4. make time to exercise it should be a non negotiable like brushing your teeth. There are a plethora of online platforms out there. I use one called Pvolve which is designed for women and focuses on strength and weight training. They have beginner courses and monthly schedules you can follow just click and follow the videos. Most are 20-30 minutes long and they focus on building strength and muscle tone. Building muscle is important as muscle tissue burns more calories than body fat. I’m sure there are lots of free ones online Google strength training, resistance training and progressive weight training.

getting fit and healthy is not difficult but it requires an attitude shit you do have to take responsibility for yourself, be disciplined and stop letting yourself off the hook. Getting strong and healthy is the ultimate form of self care and you owe it to yourself.

I get it @ICantStopEatingg1 and I'm in a similar position. The only time I get things under control is if we're away (rarely) and I'm no longer responsible for food. Last week I sat down and wrote on our wall calendar what's for breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday. What I'm hoping is that by having literally everything set out I will spend less time thinking about food. I've also stopped buying sugary snacks which is what I reach for if I'm exhausted or upset.

There's also a more fundamental problem in our house that everyone has different food issues so some days everyone needs a different version of something and I'll end up not having something myself because if the time it all takes, which leads to my 'picky eating' of fatty and sugary food. There's also the sleep issue where my average sleep time is ridiculously low. There came a point where I just stopped caring about what happened to me as long as everyone else was OK. I'm trying to reverse that because I recognise how poor my health now is, but it's hard. Good luck OP x

Is he doin ghis super stressful job at the weekends? Why can't he set aside a couple of hours for meal prep?

You go to bed to sleep you are choosing to stay up and eat biscuits .
If you don’t what to feed your husband all day then make a sandwich at night for home to “take to work “
Or whipe you are off those days why don’t you go to the gym or out a walk or do something .

Sorry OP you are the one obsessing about food .
if your child wants a snack what do you give them ? A piece of fruit ?
or junk food .
Who does the food shop ?

if your husband isn’t upping his weight . You need to have a conversation about this and about healthy eating in the home.

Its great agree this worked for you, but on the whole it doesn't work for most people.

The food enviroment we live in at the moment is dominated by refined carbs. It would take alot of energy and some decent will power to make restriction stick. The OP has already tried Keto and it didn't work for her.

I also agree calorie counting can be huge faff. I do feel that people go about it in the wrong way by micro managing every single thing they consume which increases stress which increases hunger.

It works much better if you just observe the calories in your food when you are portioning it up for a couple of weeks rather than trying to beat a target. You could even start with dinner every day. You just weigh everything on your plate put it in a recipie analyser and it will tell you a la secret eaters.

Meal planning and batch cooking. Plan for the week in 1 go and prepare in advance. You could batch cook and freeze the meals, make dump bags for the slow cooker, make extra so there is food the following day.
Husband can prepare himself lunch, or do what he does the 3 days he is working.
Kids and husband can clear their own plates after dinner.