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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

538 replies

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 20:39

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

OP posts:
Keepingitmoving · 15/09/2024 00:36

Agree that it is husband’s decision but as a mum would want to know this as my child would be my priority - regardless of age.

TwinklyNight · 15/09/2024 00:40

I'm glad you're respecting his wishes.

I am sorry for you though, it must be terrible waiting for the test results. Hopefully he will get good results back and will be back home recovering quickly.

DefyingGravitas · 15/09/2024 02:00

6pence · 14/09/2024 21:41

I’d go behind his back and contact her personally.

He needs her, she’ll want to be there for him, and worst case she could miss his final moments and never forgive you.

Tell her

Agree with this. If the worst were to happen then he sadly isn’t the one living with the aftermath. A mother who was willfully kept in the dark from spending time with her son in his last days is unthinkable. Even in the hopeful outcome of his being ok then finding out afterward that your child went through this and thought you wouldn’t want to know, because of a holiday?

Fraaahnces · 15/09/2024 02:09

I think you are stuck in a really impossible position. You know full well that MIL would want to know and she’d be involved, but of course you have to do what your DH wants in this situation. I’m sorry you have this dilemma and have to wait for diagnosis. I hope DH is going to be okay.

LAMPS1 · 15/09/2024 03:51

If he would find her presence comforting rather than annoying, I would definitely explain this dreadful situation to her including the bit that he (selflessly) doesn’t want to ruin her holiday.
She will want to know, especially if they are close. in fact the thought of deliberately not being told your precious son was in this position would be abhorrent.
She could comfort him and keep him company as well as help you out with babysitting so that you can be with him.
You are both struggling and it could be his last few days. So I would override his wishes in these circumstances.
Praying it’s not bad news.

TheSilentSister · 15/09/2024 04:50

Does she have any inkling that he's ill or did it all happen suddenly, after she'd left for her holiday?
If his siblings know and your DP has explicitly said not to tell parents then you're in the clear if the worst was to happen, god forbid.
Two people in my family had cancer, one told no one until the terminal diagnosis and one told everyone regarding every test. I was very hurt that my DF didn't confide in me but respected his wishes and in no way would I even thought to blame my DM for keeping it from me.
It's all about your DP and you, you're living with the situation right now. His wishes come first.

labamba007 · 15/09/2024 05:01

It's not been said but so sorry you're going through this OP must be an awful time. You sound lovely. Is there anyone at all who can look after your children while you visit DH?

LightSpeeds · 15/09/2024 05:40

I'd tell her and let her decide.

If he died while she was away, imagine how she'd feel about not being told, not seeing him again.

DefyingGravitas · 15/09/2024 06:08

I usually would be about the patient’s wishes but in this case I genuinely think she should be told. You’re in this situation too and you will have to deal with the aftermath, hopefully a positive outcome, but regardless.

AhBiscuits · 15/09/2024 06:25

He's an adult and it's his decision. I know you've said you won't be telling her, don't let the people here saying you should change your mind. I would be livid if my partner went against my wishes like that, you will also piss off his siblings.

rwalker · 15/09/2024 06:35

I do think the fact he could die id tell her
but do it first thing in a mother she stands a chance of being able to sort travel home that day

Tiredofallthis101 · 15/09/2024 07:14

So sorry OP, definitely get a babysitter so you can be with him. In your situation I'd probably persuade him to tell MIL. But very hard to decide, very finely balanced.

EI12 · 15/09/2024 07:36

It must be torture for you waiting for the results. Be forceful, ask about the results, remind them. The reason I am saying this is because of the idiotic procedures that delay the provision of information, i.e. junior doctor might already know, but it is the registrar whose job it is to inform.

My SIL is a medical secretary at a private hospital, where desperate people with little money (posters all over the hospital Spread the cost of your treatment and a business department offering loans for treatment there at ridiculous interest rates) go for diagnoses because GPs do not refer to consultants to diagnose. Their procedure is as follows: when a diagnosis is confirmed/not confirmed (after consultant gets imaging), a consultant dictates a letter (takes time), then the secretary audio-types the letter (takes time), then the said letter is sent (2nd class, franked) to the patient's GP (!!!!!). Then the GP's reception receives the letter, logs it in and gives it to the GP to read. GPs are often part-time. The GP then contacts the patient. Can you imagine? Between the conclusive imaging/biopsy, etc. and the moment the patient is informed (having paid a lot) as much time as 2 weeks can pass. (And in this scenario, the patient is self-referred, self-pay). I have no words to describe the communication procedure between medical personnel and patients in the UK. So be forceful! Insist on expediency.

Kit71 · 15/09/2024 07:36

SeaToSki · 14/09/2024 21:20

Can you afford to replace MIL holiday later in the year?

Try DH with that as an option .. he might agree to tell her if he thinks this is possible

Ask him if he would want his own dc to feel they could tell him in the same situation

Tell him you and the dc need her support and you would like her help at home (so he still gets to be strong)

Last case scenario, tell him that the stress and lack of sleep (guessing he isnt sleeping well as he is in hospital) are affecting his judgement and that you are taking the decision out of his hands and telling MIL…and you will tell her that it was your call and he didnt want to tell her. If he looks kind of relieved, you know you have his tacit permission, if he hits the roof then back down.

Take some time to breathe yourself, caring for someone is a marathon not a sprint, and the careers need someone to lean on too. Sending you a hug

This is most sensible advice.

YesIamahippie81 · 15/09/2024 07:43

I would tell her and here's why
1 you are close and she would be involved if here
2 my own grandmother requested I do the same, I headed her wish and then had to call to say get home now and my mother didn't make it in time to say goodbye. She was destroyed by it!

I hope it all comes to nothing and he is home safe and well but on the off chance I'd be saying a holiday is worth far less to her than her child (even if he is an adult)

dottiedodah · 15/09/2024 07:51

She should be told I think . She may be upset if she doesnt know . you will feel awful if not good news to tell her

BunnyLake · 15/09/2024 07:55

If it were my son I’d want to know. There can always be other holidays. If she’s told afterwards she’ll probably look back on her holiday thinking urgh I was having a good time at so and so all the while my son’s having a health crisis. It would taint that holiday memory for me.

I’m just not sure I’d go against his wishes though. If he doesn’t change his mind then wait until diagnosis.

HideousKinky · 15/09/2024 07:59

I think it depends on 2 things:
Is he in immediate danger?
When is your MIL due back from her holiday?

craigth162 · 15/09/2024 08:00

forevernumb · 15/09/2024 00:14

He has a wife and family.

Show quote history

Direct quote from OP. Wife or not he feels alone and scared.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

craigth162 · 15/09/2024 08:02

user1473878824 · 15/09/2024 00:16

He isn’t alone though is he? His wife posted this.

Show quote history

Direct quote - wife or not he feels alone and scared

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared

MasterShardlake · 15/09/2024 08:03

dottiedodah · 15/09/2024 07:51

She should be told I think . She may be upset if she doesnt know . you will feel awful if not good news to tell her

It's how your husband feels that's important, and what he wants. Mil being upset if not told and you feeling awful aren't a priority.

ememem84 · 15/09/2024 08:05

I was in a similar situation recently. I was going through diagnostics for breast cancer. Dparents went on holiday the day I went for the first test. Ordinarily I’d have told them straight off. But they were looking forward to the holiday, couldn’t do anything anyway and I had support here.

so I didn’t tell them. I do have cancer. And told them this when they got home. But by that time I had more information and a treatment plan. So could answer more questions.

Gallowayan · 15/09/2024 08:07

Sorry for your trouble You should respect his decision.

mitogoshi · 15/09/2024 08:11

It's his decision not yours. How long does she still have on holiday. I would not call someone unless he was critically ill, about to have a life or death op there was something they could actually do in these circumstances

ChiliFiend · 15/09/2024 08:16

RegimentalSturgeon · 14/09/2024 22:07

Your loyalty should be to your husband, not his mother. If she does ‘never forgive you’, would that actually matter very much?

Wishing your DH a good outcome.

She's worried her husband won't forgive her, not her mother in law.