To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

[hmmwhat1]

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

It's Hobsons choice here, what you could do is talk to your DH again and I'd argue she's had a nice time up to now so she's not had a ruined holiday but 1000% I'd want to be there

In MIL’s shoes I’d be devastated no-one told me and everyone lied by omission. She might choose to stay on - and no criticism there - but I bet she’d be home like a bullet.

OP this sounds incredibly tough for you and the family. No words other than take care.

I was living abroad when my family decided not to worry me with the news my mum had a stroke. I was clueless until she took a turn for the worse. I was heavily pregnant, had to see my doctor for a letter saying I was okay to fly, wasting more time. By the time I got home my mum didn’t recognize me. She died two days later. I’ll never forgive it.

It's obvious he is putting his mother's holiday first which is admirable. My father was admitted to hospital at deaths door when my brother was on holiday. My fathers wishes were please don't tell ........ and in the end the family decided my brother should know. They came home on the earliest flight the next day. My father was delighted to see him & he lived longer than expected. My brother said if we hadn't told him he'd never have forgiven us for not giving him the opportunity to spend time with his father. I'm not saying this is the same as the OPs situation as she said the problem is likely to be benign. The point is sometimes we go against a patients wishes for the sake of loved ones involved, especially if they have a close and loving relationship. It would be very unusual for a son or daughter to be upset if their parents came home to support them despite what they've said about not spoiling the holiday.

As other mothers have said: I would want to know if any of my children were in that situation. Have a word with your FH, it’s just not right that his Mum doesn’t know.

She should definitely know IMO

I guess it depends on what hil mother is like, would she like to know?

I would be absolutely gutted not to know my if my child was in a life threatening position

But I think its a weirdly selfish and selfbeating not to tell your mother, unless there is a history of bad relationship.

Oh OP that’s such a horrible situation to be in.
I think you are doing the right thing in following your DHs wishes but I’d also be feeling very conflicted about it in your shoes as it is one of those situations where you feel like none of the available choices are good and you are just picking the least bad one.
You must be feeling so stressed right now
I hope you get the more likely outcome that whatever is wrong is benign and that the tests happen quickly.

@Thursa You need to forgive, you were heavily pregnant, you lived abroad.

They were doing what they thought was best for you and your baby. Your DM would never have wanted you to risk your child for her, she really wouldn't.

This. That's her child, regardless of age. She will always want to know and be able to make her own decisions as to where she is.

Sadlly a certain type of MNer has literally nothing else to do of a Saturday night than be a bitch to others. They feel shit so they want others to feel shit too, sad isnt it? Pay no mind to them.

I have read your posts and I would say that I would do as you have done. I would want to call her, but as your DH says not to, I would respect his wishes.

But I do understand where you are coming from.

The problem is that I think that you are maybe thinking as I would that you are damned if you and damned if you dont. Tell her, she comes home and he is fine.....you have ruined her holiday for nothing and you are public enemy No 1. Dont tell her and it is the worst case scenario (which I am really hoping it isnt) she wasnt there and again, you are public enemy No 1. So while I would do what he wanted, I wouldnt be happy with it.

Look after yourself, you are no good to him or the kids if you get unweill yourself. Eat if you can, drink if you cant eat and try to sleep. Thinking of you.

Wishing him all the best for his results.

And yes. You should tell her.

I can only imagine if I were her, coming home from holiday to discover nobody had told me my boy, my son, my child was in crisis.

Imagine if the worst had happened - and nobody had considered I might have needed to be with him while there was time.

I would never get over that.

If you tell her, he will be angry.

If you don't tell her, she will be angry.

I'm sorry OP, but you have a choice to make.

My mother ended up in A+E having been taken by paramedics. I spoke to her whilst they were with her persuading her that she needed to go to hospital with severe back pain and low blood pressure.
The following day I received a call from the hospital telling me that she had died.
it turned out that she had a slow leaking aortic aneurism and whilst in A+E was told that it was likely to rupture any time. She was advised to have surgery but knew the survival rate was very small so decided to decline. She also refused to let staff call any on her 4 children - we are all reasonable close. It’s incredibly hard knowing that my mum knew her death was imminent and yet chose not to let us know. I know it was her decision, but we’ve been left to deal with the outcome.
If my sons in law didn’t tell me that my DDs might have a life threatening diagnosis I would never forgive them.

He has a wife and family.

A holiday should never take priority over a situation like this

He isn’t alone though is he? His wife posted this.

I'd want to know, but I do believe it's his choice.

So sorry you're going through this awful situation. Sending prayers for the better outcome.

What does any of your story have to do with this?

a grown man had made a decision. Done.

Perhaps your mum made the decision that she wanted to spend her final hours in thought, on her own, remembering her happy memories, without interruptions, tears, sadness and all that an unexpected death encompasses.

Perhaps she decided that watching her pass away wasn’t an image she wanted to be etched on your memories forever.

>If my sons in law didn’t tell me that my DDs might have a life threatening diagnosis I would never forgive them.

Then that would be your mistake, if your DD was conscious and made that decision. Because you can’t be angry at her for taking the decision to be there away from you, you certainly shouldn’t be angry at the partner for respecting her wishes. The partner is an extension of her and reflects her morals and wishes. It would be wrong to be angry and it would not be what your daughter would want.

Death is a very emotive subject, I understand. I think we attach a lot of importance to “being there with her during her final hours, holding her hand whilst she goes out.”

I fully expect to have a horrible death that includes vile after death body movements and I would rather go out alone than have my partner witness that and have him remember it forever.

But as I said. Emotive. And I am not a very highly emotional person when it comes to such things, I am too pragmatic I guess.

She’s already on holiday not living on Mars, he hadn’t been diagnosed with anything yet.

It’s his decision.

Do you have family who could care for the children so that you can support him?

Are the tests life threatening right now? is your DH expected to not survive until MIL gets home? for me, if they are running tests and nothing has been confirmed etc then why spoil MIL's holiday. what can she do if she knows?

If however, the news is bad.. firstly i am sorry.. and 2nd then obviously contact MIL because she will want to see her son one last time and be there at the end.

Going against the grain but I would tell her and deal with the repercussions later. And I know my dh would do the same. Best wishes to you and your husband 💕