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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

538 replies

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 20:39

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

OP posts:
Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 15/09/2024 08:17

AgainandagainandagainSS · 14/09/2024 21:41

I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted,

These two sentence's entirely contradict each other! Let your friends and siblings deal with your kids - go and be with your husband. Poor guy is alone, ill and needs you. Whatever ge wants to do RE his mother, YOU are his next of kin right now.

The sentences dont contradict each other, not sure why you struggled with it.

It may not be very realistic and possible for someone to pop in and look after someone else's kids for half a day, while it could be to pop in a hospital for 30 minutes.

Boomer55 · 15/09/2024 08:20

I would want to be told if my adult child was potentially very ill. Holidays can always be rebooked.

LBFseBrom · 15/09/2024 08:21

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 20:47

Those saying there's nothing she could do- I don't agree... Just being here and with him and part of the support would be enough...?

I agree.

I know your husband said not to bother his mother but he is just being kind and stoic.

If anything happened to him, and we hope it doesn't, she would ask you why you hadn't told her.

Please do let her know, I'm sure she will want that.

You say friends and family are supportive, can some of them not visit your husband so he is less lonely? Bless his heart.

DCINightingale · 15/09/2024 08:25

It's a tough one OP.

If it were me I would try and persuade your DH to see it from the point of view of being the parent, and how willingly and unresentfully you would travel back in a heartbeat to be there. Yes the timing sucks but what can you do. Its not like it was planned. But it is up to your DH if he is of sound mind, and he will hopefully just have to deal with the light bollocking from his Mum when she gets back and finds out it was kept from her.

I hope that you get some good news soon and your DH makes a speedy recovery.

Prescottdanni123 · 15/09/2024 08:26

I just wanted to say sorry you are in this situation, OP. I am sure that you are doing your very best. I'm sorry that the nasty mumsnetters have landed on your thread as well. For the life of me, I cannot understand how people can get a thrill out of kicking people when they are at their lowest like that.

Trebol · 15/09/2024 08:27

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request

LlynTegid · 15/09/2024 08:29

I would want to know and come home.

GoodAfternoonTea · 15/09/2024 08:31

Tell her, be open and tell her your husband did not want her to know. She created him, loves him, and wishes the best for him. I would come back straightaway or be in daily contact.

NerrSnerr · 15/09/2024 08:36

So many people saying 'if I was my son I'd want to be told' only seem to be thinking of their own feelings in the situation and not their child's. Obvs the most important person in this situation is the one who is unwell.

NerrSnerr · 15/09/2024 08:37

GoodAfternoonTea · 15/09/2024 08:31

Tell her, be open and tell her your husband did not want her to know. She created him, loves him, and wishes the best for him. I would come back straightaway or be in daily contact.

You've considered the mother in law's feelings but what about her husband? Do his wishes count?

fourelementary · 15/09/2024 08:38

@hmmwhat1 So sorry I am coming late to this thread so maybe you’ve left after having so much hassle.
I would urge you to consider your own relationship with MIL as you know that best… and as a mother of an adult son I can tell you no holiday is worth it and I would want to know. However only if it was feasible to get home as it would be torture to be abroad and unable to. So I guess maybe if you knew she could make it home (would her insurance cover this? I’m not sure)… but trust your gut and not what other people say. And I am praying for your husband and his health and for a better outcome than you fear xx

rainbowunicorn · 15/09/2024 08:41

AgainandagainandagainSS · 14/09/2024 21:41

I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted,

These two sentence's entirely contradict each other! Let your friends and siblings deal with your kids - go and be with your husband. Poor guy is alone, ill and needs you. Whatever ge wants to do RE his mother, YOU are his next of kin right now.

I'm sure OP has accepted any support offered as she stayed. Even with support I'm sure her friends and family can't be there constantly they will have their own lives, jobs etc.

anxietyaardvark · 15/09/2024 08:43

Speak to the nurses about children not being allowed in. They may well bend the rules for you given the situation.

MummyJ36 · 15/09/2024 08:49

OP you are right in my opinion that as a mother I would want to know. Thinking of my own mum and my MIL they would absolutely want to know if myself or DH were potentially seriously ill. I’m not actually sure she’ll thank DH’s siblings for keeping her in the dark about this. Unless this holiday is an actual trip of a lifetime I see absolutely no reason why she cannot be told. If in 20/30/40 years time one of my DC’s was very ill and everyone was deliberately keeping me in the dark I would be horrified. The whole point of being someone’s mum is being there when they need you the most.

I’m sorry you’re stuck in this position. I think your MIL is being rather infantilised by everyone else in her circle and will likely be very upset she was kept out of the loop. I think you are correct that you cannot step in and go against your DH’s wishes but perhaps once he has pulled through this (and I really hope he does OP, sending my good wishes) you need to have a wider discussion about how situations like this will be dealt with in the future.

Overthebs · 15/09/2024 08:59

I think it depends on the MIL. Like for example my mother is quite chilled and would understand why I didn’t tell her straight away. My DHS mother is the opposite and would be very very unhappy about not being told and involved straight away.
That being said, my DH wouldn’t always want to tell his mother because of her potential reaction/overreaction. So I’d always 100% leave the decision with him. End of the day you are family but it’s HIS mother not yours so ultimately it lays with him.

TeaGinandFags · 15/09/2024 09:03

Wait for her to come back.

Because:

  1. there's nothing she can do.

  2. what are you going to tell her? Wait for a diagnosis and then she's dealing with certainties and not maybes.

  3. he doesn't want you to. That should be reason enough.

MadrisaHorn · 15/09/2024 09:03

fernsandlilies · 14/09/2024 20:47

Your MIL might never forgive you for this, even though it’s DH who is making the decision. I think you should persuade him to let you tell her, but emphasise that he has said not to come home. Are you willing to give her twice daily updates?

I think this is the best solution. Try and get him to see it your way. If he died, she would be heartbroken and she may hold that against you.

I am probably going to be in a similar situation regarding telling family members about DHs imminent death. We had a devastating phonecall on Thursday and we have a lot of family stuff to navigate. It's really hard but I would try and persuade him to allow you to contact her.

AbsolutelyBarking · 15/09/2024 09:14

So sorry you and your DH are facing this terrible thing OP.

On telling your MIL:
your DH is being kind to her ...but also perhaps avoiding the need to cope with HER pain and distress at a time when he is already struggling.

CaptainMyCaptain · 15/09/2024 09:15

YANBU I would want to know if I was his mother. She might not need to fly back immediately but could, at least, keep in touch with the hospital.

AgnesX · 15/09/2024 09:22

If he doesn't want her to know yet respect his wishes. He clearly doesn't want to bother her yet.

If the news IS bad that will be the right time.

Icanthinkformyselfthanks · 15/09/2024 09:26

@hmmwhat1 , very tricky situation because you have to do what your husband wants here but I think he’s wrong. If that was my son I’d be on the first flight home regardless of where in the world I was.

Goldenretrieversball · 15/09/2024 09:26

Why on earth would you ruin her holiday. She’ll find out any possible bad news when she gets back. This is about your husband’s wishes, not yours. You can’t just trample over them. He has told you what he thinks. You need to leave it. His mother will be there when she gets back.

godmum56 · 15/09/2024 09:35

JoyousPinkPeer · 14/09/2024 21:31

I disagree, when people are under great stress they don't always make good decisions. His wife putting the pros and cons to him is what married people do surely.

Show quote history

its not up to her to decide whether or not her adult mentally competent husband is making good decisions or not. Yes its ok to discuss his decision in a way that is appropriate to the circumstances, but once he's made it then she should abide by it.

Christwosheds · 15/09/2024 09:36

BananaGrapeMelon · 14/09/2024 20:48

In these circumstances I would tell her.

Me too.
If this was my son I would want to know, nobody would prefer to be on holiday rather than being with their very unwell son or daughter. It’s just a holiday. I would feel terrible not to know and to be blithely trotting about on my holiday while my son was in hospital.

stillawip · 15/09/2024 09:59

WTF?? Why are people being so incredibly mean and judgmental?? The poor OP has enough on her plate with the prospect of potentially losing her DH!!!

OP, your MIL may be your husband’s mother, but this is a situation that affects you both, not just him, and so you are allowed a say in the decision too - you will have to deal with any fallout from her too, after all. You now know his opinion, but he doesn’t get to make a unilateral decision on something that has consequences for you both. So, with him in a vulnerable state of mind and his judgement impaired, I would tell him that you are going to tell her, because it’s important for you that she knows. But that you will emphasise to her that he didn’t want her bothered. Leave the decision about whether or not to come home to her. If I was his mother, wild horses wouldn’t keep me from coming home - seriously, does anyone actually think that any mother in the same position wouldn’t do the same? In her position I’d be furious if someone else made that decision for me & took potentially incredibly precious time with my child away from me.