To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

[hmmwhat1]

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

I am sorry some people feel the need to criticise you, the position you are in is scary, frightening and you are doing all you can. Please ignore the negatives.
You came on here for advice, and I understand why, on balance I would respect my husbands wishes, but I understand you have fears and concerns. I wish your husband well.

Ditto

I'm hoping everything turns out ok but if you were my friend I would 100 pc want you to drop your kids with me so you were free to go to the hospital (for as long as you need).
I would want to know as a parent if my adult child was potentially gravely ill so I totally understand how you feel. I'm sending you lots of best wishes for a positive outcome x

His decision is for selfless reasons - not disrupt his mother’s holiday when it may not be necessary, but most mothers would want to know. It will be devastating for her if it is bad news and she can’t get there in time, so I think if it was me I would tell her. I sincerely hope it isn’t and feel sorry for what you are all going through OP.

For me I would follow my DH's lead

If he could die imminently if it's what they are testing him for I would tell her. I would try talk him around first though. But how likely is it that it is worst case scenario? If he's in 5 days already and they haven't said yet would that not indicate they are still unsure?

I'm very sorry to hear you are in this situation OP 😞

You said that your DH just doesn't want to make a fuss but otherwise wants his DM there.
I think you can reassure him that he isn't making a fuss and as his mother she would want to know so she can make her own plans or even just research flights home in case they are needed. If he suddenly dies and she didn't even know anything was amiss, she will be devastated that the whole family kept it from her. If he wants his mum there he can be reassured that he should not hesitate to tell her

I am so sorry you are going through this

I would tell and I would expect to be told.

It's not up to her to tell especially when her husband has stated clearly he doesn't want her to know.

I had the similar happen to me earlier this year. I was in hospital, awaiting unexpected urgent open heart surgery which I might not have survived.

The slight difference to your scenario is that I'm single and NC with my only sibling. I do have a close relationship with my cousin who was really supportive.

My parents were away on holiday I didn't tell them. There was nothing they could have done and I knew the next few months would be difficult for them; whether I was alive or dead so felt they should enjoy their break.

Selfishly, I didn't want to have to deal with their emotions about the situation before I'd got my own head round it either.

If your husband doesn't want his mother contacted, then I think you must respect that. I think it would be unreasonable to contact her while she's away and it's less than a week before she comes back. I would be very angry if my husband had ever contacted my mum if it had been me in hospital when she was on holiday.

YABU.

Why worry an elderly (?) lady over what may turn out to be something and nothing? On a need to know basis, she doesn't need to know.
Not to mention that people in general are far too quick to broadcast their ailments, and sometimes it's better to preserve some privacy.
Further down the line, depending on what transpires, there may be a need to talk to her. But, OP, your husband's view is the only one that matter here - let him decide.

As a mother, I would 100% want to know if my son was in that situation. But as a daughter, I wouldn’t be wanting to tell my mum until I had concrete answers. So I completely get where you are both coming from, neither of you are wrong but you must respect his wishes ultimately.

I hope it all works out for you all, sending love.

You poor thing. I''m so sorry you are going through this. It must be horrendous for you. You must be terrified. Please ignore the horrible posts - some people have no fucking capacity for empathy whatsoever.

I can understand why you want to contact his mom. However. When I had tests for cancer recently I didn't tell my mom, as I didn't want to worry her. It was different, in that I wasn't unwell in the same way your husband was. However, I can see where he is coming from - he wants to spare her the horror and the pain.

He probably would spare you it too, if he could.

The thought of my daughter going through something like that without me - no I couldn't stand it. But ultimately it's pretty much the one thing your husband can control now - I can understand why he wants to exercise it......

I think you have to respect his wishes on it. Remember he may change his mind at any time.

Meanwhile, take all the help you can from friends etc. Look after yourself and be with him as much as you can.

Consider not reading any more posts on here either. There are some sick weirdos who like being mean to strangers, and others that copy them out of a herd mentality.

Sending hugs to you and your DH, wishing the best to you both and for the outcome you are desperate for

Possibly not the best place to post currently. Hope everything turns out well.

I had a serious head injury 20 years ago and ended up in A&E overnight. They wanted to call my mum, I refused to give them her number.

My logic was: there is absolutely nothing she can do about it so why put her through the heartache of seeing me like this when it could end in death anyway? What’s in it for her? It’s not like we have had a falling out and need to say “I love you.”

I imagine your DH feels the same. Why put her through it when she cannot change the outcome?

I would only waiver on this if there had been a falling out and some quick making up needs to be done for her to be at peace in the future regarding their relationship/cancelling out cross words that had been said in the past.

I am so sorry this is happening, you must be so stressed too.

If there is any chance of this being fatal, I'd call her, or persuade your dh to call her. If the worst happens, she will never forgive herself and there will be other holidays.

I hope it all works out and your DH doesn't get a bad diagnosis 💐

My god, if that was my child I would be on the next plane home. I'd want to spend all the time I could with my baby.

If the worst happens and your h is diagnosed with this fatal condition , every day is precious.

And if your mil would be here if she was in the country, call her.

Just ignore them, you're going through something horrific and don't deserve anything but kindness. It's so difficult, part me thinks it likely it'll be benign and so not telling her may be kinder than getting her to travel back terrified. However, it could be devastating if the worst was to happen. Could you get him to agree to talk to her but not give such worrying detail, she might want to come home and then you can fill her in on the tough details when she gets home?
I hope you get good news. Ignore the horrible posters on here, they live in misery and can't help themselves x

As a mother there is nothing that would stop me being near my son in this situation.

however, does it feel like the only thing he can control right now? Is this the one thing he can take full ownership of? It must be terrifying being where he is so maybe encouraging him to make the contact and give whatever information he is comfortable with will be sufficient to bring her home as she maybe able to sense his tone etc. otherwise it’s really up to him.

@hmmwhat1
Would you want to know if it was your son or daughter?

not read full thread - just your posts.

you sound wonderful. What a terrible situation.

you know, in this situation I WOULD go behind my DH’s back and contact MIL, for the exact reason you give - that as a mother to my own children, that is exactly what I’d want. And, god forbid, if the worst happens, it’s you who is here with her despair.

but, if you can’t do that, that’s fine too. But oh, HE can definitely ask! Sounds like he and his mum are v close.

your poor DH and poor all of you. Hoping so much the tests get DONE.