To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

[hmmwhat1]

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

Congratulations on your manhood.

Do you have any close relationships or do you feel it's more macho to weather things alone?

I wouldn't tell her. If the news is bad (and I hope it isn't ) she will know soon enough. Go with your husband's wishes and let her enjoy her holiday.

I've had three cancer scares. I didn't tell my adult DC about them even when some of us we were living in the same house. I didn't tell my parents or in-laws either. It was bad enough that DH and I were scared and anxious without worrying other people too.

I have been in this situation (mil not on hol but far away). I immediately sought support from one of his brothers, to whom I thought we were close. He wasn't particularly supportive. I said "do not tell your ma until we have diagnosis". He agreed.

When husb was a little better, I asked if he would like to see her. And he was upset and said "no, no, not when I am like this". And I reassured him she would not even know. And two hours later, in a call, the brother said "oh, we decided to tell. Mother. We thought she should know"
Our relationship disintegrated permanently.

Trust. This is the thing here. Your husb is vulnerable. He HAS to be able to trust you. He still has rights and autonomy to make his own decisions. His love for his mum might mean he wants her to have her hol. Or he might not want to cope with the guilt. Or seeing her upset. Or anything. IT IS NOT YOUR DECISION. Don't remove his voice when he is already in distress. What you or anyone else "would want" is irrelevant. His wishes come first.

Thank you for flagging that CRD67.

I think that's the thing some people are not getting. When you are ill your problem is also your family's problem and telling them can just add to your stress.

What a mean and unsympathetic post. The OP doesn't need to grow up. She is worried that if they get the feared diagnosis and he deteriorates rapidly, he may die before his mum is able to get back from her holiday.

Why you think it is OK to be so rude to someone in this terrible situation is beyond me.

@wombat15 and @CRD67 OP has said DH does want his mum’s support but doesn’t want to ruin her holiday. So if she was round the corner she would know and I assume sharing hospital visiting/childcare

the OP did! They agree with her husband.

This absolutely

Thinking of you this morning OP. I hope you get some answers soon and that your DH is getting the support he needs from his wider family

I haven't said he doesn't want support. I am saying that the desire for support can be outweighed by not wanting to worry about your family too as that adds to the stress. In this case, maybe if she was just down the road he wouldn't feel so worried about the impact on her.

I would want to be told if my son was in hospital with such a serious possible prognosis. 5 days is a long time and you and he need more support.

Wishing your husband a full and speedy recovery. Gentle hugs to you all

Typical keyboard warrior behaviour. Bet they wouldn’t dare say something like this in IRL.

If it’s an aortic aneurysm, which is a distinct possibility from what OP has said, or even a previously undiagnosed cancer, depending on where it’s situated and how advanced, things could deteriorate very rapidly. I think the dilemma here seems to be that by the time they know to make the call, it may already be too late.

I don’t think they’re talking in terms of months - rather days by the sound of it.

What a fucking awful post. He’s in a life threatening situation and his closest relative isn’t within striking distance if the worst happens. So far, he’s refusing to let his mum know he’s even in hospital. How exactly does that make him a mummy’s boy or a man child ?

I’ve thought about this a lot since coming across the thread. I’m not sure that DH is entitled to make a unilateral decision which would have potentially serious consequences for OP. He’s putting her in an impossible situation should the worst happen - she would be dealing with her own grief and that of her children, and potentially dealing with MiL’s wrath at not being told her son was in a life threatening situation - especially if MiL could have got back in time had she known.

I think it would be far more sensible for DH to pass the responsibility for the decision either way to OP - at least that way any repercussions she faced would be the result of her own decision, and not one that was forced on her.

I will also join the tell DM side.
Reality is, the holiday memories that DH wanted her to enjoy so much will be tarnished if this is a serious diagnosis, as she will end up living in regret, wishing she never went on the damn holiday in the first place. I wouldn't want to put that potentially life long burden on her. I firmly believe she would rather be with her Son in his time of need.
I think upon returning. even if it isn't a serious diagnosis she will still be upset.
Time with family regardless of the outcome of this is more valuable than a 2 week holiday.

You are not sure that people are entitled to decide who does and doesn't know about their medical information?!

What a traumatic situation. OP, if you are still reading, I think for me it would come down to what my DH really wanted, taking into consideration that what he is saying he wants, might not be the same as what he really wants.

I would tell him I was calling his mum and see what his reaction is. That will tell you what you should do.

Wishing you all the best.

If it isn't a serious diagnosis and OP tells her mother-in-law against her DH's wishes so she comes back from her holiday, her DH will be the one who is very angry with OP.

What a difficult situation to be in on so many levels. I really do feel for you. Going along with your husband's wishes does feel like the right thing to do. He must feel powerless enough in that situation and this decision does at least give him some sense of control. I think if I was in that position I would keep discussing it to make sure he hasn't changed his mind, particularly as things evolve. But I would also be mindful of the stress it would put on my MIL to make the necessary arrangements to come home early - although, of course, that might be much more daunting for some than others. I hope things turn out well for you all.

@wombat15 yes I completely get that, it's a really difficult situation.
I know DP is thinking about his mother's best interests, there is no doubt about that, but what if it is serious then what? I think his plan of thinking about her etc will unintentionally back fire and will end up causing her a lot of distress.
I think she would have been better off knowing in the first place just incase.
Yes a holiday would have been cut short but she can re book one another time which I'm sure would already have been her mindset anyway.
This of course is just my opinion.

Hello.
We are still waiting for the test.

Poor DMIL will surely realise something is amiss soon, as now only 1 person the family chat is responding to her holiday pics. No one else seems to be able to join in the faux charades.

I actually have to keep reminding myself that I'm not angry with DMIL- I so desperately need help and so desperately need the support for DH- I keep almost forgetting that she doesn't know - because it's so ridiculous that DH hasn't told her!!

DH is in better spirits within himself now. When I started this thread I had just managed to leave my kids with a friend and get into the hospital for an hour, where he was then sobbing on me because he was so anxious and unsettled. Bless him. I felt so bereft when I had to leave him. And for him to then say that we can't get his mum involved just confused me tbh.

I haven't given any context about my home/children life but there are reasons why I can't just dump my kids on any old person and hang out in hospital with him all day.

I feel so disappointed in just about everyone in my 'support circle'. I have had some support offered, but I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would have gone so much further to help my friends/family. Think I need to adjust my expectations of people tbh. That said, I have realised that DH is downplaying the situation to people who are contacting him, which isn't bloody helpful.
But I was on my own with the kids all day yesterday, crying and shouting way too much (from the stress), doing an awful job of trying to keep things calm and reassuring for them. Meanwhile DH was in hospital all day on his own, pondering this awful full diagnosis ... and I just kept thinking.. WTF? I would never leave a friend or sibling in that situation.

Consultant has just been round and the test he is waiting on should finally happen today. sigh

I'd definitely follow your DH's lead on this. If he says don't call her, then you don't call her.

Plus, what would it realistically achieve? You'd just end up with a stressed, anxious older lady, abroad and trying to get home while upset and worried. Who is then going to be so wound up when she finally gets home, that she's not going to be any practical help to you anyway.