To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

[hmmwhat1]

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

If he only has a couple of months to live ring her now. If he has more, wait till her return.

I would tell her. But we live very rural and if I didn't someone else would. Friends and family know. Imagine if that was your child. I don't get it.

Ask his siblings! They know their mom better than you.

My son did this when he was involved in an accident. Wouldn’t let girlfriend alert me until next day. Never understood why. Didn’t want me making a fuss? Boys can be weird. Thankfully, he was OK. But imagine if hadn’t been and I hadn’t been told. Based on my experience, I would tell his mother. Do hope your husband recovers well.

He's an adult. He doesn't need his mum, he just needs to know you're contactable.

Adults are allowed to be utterly terrified and want their mum to be there. No matter if they are 18, 40 or 60. I agree with OP's sentiment anyway. There's no way I'd want to be on holiday if my adult child was suffering and afraid.

I would contact her without hesitation. If the worst happens I would not want another person to feel the guilt she will (as a mother) experience for not being there. I could get over my husband being a little bit angry for going against his wishes, although I don’t think he would be.
Im sorry you are going through this. And I’m sorry you have experienced the wrath of some mumsnetters. For what it’s worth, there are some lovely ones on here too!
I do hope it is the best outcome for your husband 🌺

Really! Are you saying there's a lot of man-child men out there. Some people need to learn to be adults.

Tell her. Nothing is more important

I disagree!!

If your DH was to suddenly die your MIL would be devastated no one told her and she didn’t get to see him….
It is his decision BUT this is also your life and you could REALLY do with the support right now, also if she was here you could take it in turns to be with DH & the children, as others have said a holiday can be re booked ..
I would be devastated if my child or their partner didn’t contact me under these circumstances !!

Not even the wishes of the person who is unwell?

People who are of sound mind are able to make what people perceive as an unwise decision.

It's his medical information and it's up to him who it's disclosed to.

If my children were unwell as much as I'd want to know I hope I'd remember that it's their medical condition so about them and not me.

Maybe not but by the sounds of things
@hmmwhat1 could really do with the support. Not only is DH alone in hospital but OP is worried sick and having to leave her children with friends… if MIL was there they can take it in turns to visit him and look after children.
m mumsnet is so weird for people thinking that adults no longer need live and support from their parents!

When my husband was rushed to hospital and very ill, he told me under no circumstances was I to call his parents as he didn't want to cause a fuss. They lived on the otherside of the world. I felt as though he were wrong and that also, he was too ill to make that decision. I felt as though they had the right to know. However, the situation was very serious and he was rushed to intensive care and the next day placed on life support. The situation was absolutely critical.
However, in your case, it's hard to tell, without knowing the condition, the likelihood of it being something serious which could be potentially life threatening. If they are testing to rule it out but the chances of it being serious are slight, then you may be unduly worrying. The fact that his siblings are in agreement with him indicates that it's not actually a life or death situation right now and that there's little point in ruining MILS holiday if she can't get back quickly, if there's also a very good chance that he will be fine. I had a friend who was in hospital for 5 days due to severe abdominal pain and high inflammatory markers. They were trying to work out whether she had appendicitis or not or whether another infection. Had she got appendicitis and it burst and she had deteriorated then it also could have been life threatening, but she didn't want to tell her elderly parents until she knew to avoid worrying them. So it all depends on the severity of the situation and the likelihood of it being imminently life threatening. Usually you know when you need to make that call.

I would want to know if one of my sons was in hospital immediately.

How do you know he would get over it. He might feel very angry.

Everyone would want to know but their needs are not more important than the sick person.

Of course he "gets to make a unilateral decision" regarding who does and doesn't know about his health. It's his body and his choice.

You are coming across as very unpleasant. Lots of people have close relationships with their parents and would want them close in a crisis. It doesn't make them a man or woman child.

I’m an adult, I have an adult dc. I also have parents, obviously adults. Being an adult does not mean you have to suck up shit that life throws at you without support. We support eachother. I went to have an operation a couple of months ago. It wasn’t frightening or serious and I could have gone alone and said I was happy to. My dh took me because he wanted to. It doesn’t make me a baby. I took my mum for an operation. She was really frightened, thought she was going to die or have serious complications. She was shaking, rocking. It doesn’t make her a baby - it was a logical reaction to a scary situation.

The post you made is out of line. OP’s dh is in a terrifying situation, OP is terrified and she has 3 little kids. She wants to do the right thing regarding her MIL and it’s a difficult call as demonstrated by the split opinions on this thread.

i hope your dh is ok op

I am male, I find it ridiculous that there are grown men who are still mummy's boys out there!

YABU

That’s a shame you don’t have that type off relationship but many do

It's his choice

I initially thought. No don’t tell her. But after reading the post if it’s that serious tell her. I’d want to know if it was one of my children and be there for them.

He probably does want his mum there, he just doesn't want to ruin her holiday. I think you should try to persuade him to let you tell her.