Page 14 | To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

Americano75 · 15/09/2024 19:33

Rosscameasdoody · 15/09/2024 19:17

The most likely situation is that it is a benign situation. But what they are testing to exclude, could, if it were that, cause an immediate life threatening situation. And if it deteriorates it could happen far too quickly for DMIL to get back.

OP if you’re still monitoring, I agree you’ve had some horrible responses - I think posters are forgetting that MiL is not the only one involved here, and that you could lose your DH, and your children could lose their dad. It must be a horrible situation for everyone, especially since you can’t be there with him as much as you’d like.

The bit I’ve highlighted above would be what made the decision for me. I would err on the side of caution, override his wishes and contact her - he’ll be angry but it’s a difficult situation and understandably, he’s not thinking too clearly. Ruining her holiday isn’t the issue - advising DMiL of what’s happening and allowing her to make an informed decision as to whether to travel home or not is the priority. If the worst happened and she didn’t get home in time you would never forgive yourself, and she’d likely never forgive you for not taking the decision out of his hands.

I think you should tell her for a couple of reasons. She has a right to know - it’s his hour of need so to speak, and she can provide what sounds like much needed support for your DH. She can also support you, because at the moment it sounds like you’re shouldering most of the burden. Obviously you need to go with whatever you think is right, but I think these are all points to consider in your decision.

I know you’ve said you’re stepping back from the thread, but if you’re still lurking, please come back and let us know how things are. You’re all in my prayers.

100% agree with this, and praying for the very best outcome for your husband.

Justthistime1234 · 15/09/2024 19:38

I hope all is well and you are out of this awful situation. This decision is a one-off, and if I were possibly facing the worst in a week I wouldn’t be thinking straight (your husband). I can’t believe his siblings think it’s okay that he could go before his mother is back and not tell her. No holiday is worth that and I don’t think (as a mother) I could forgive any of you - just being honest. I would let her know. And I wish MN would ease up. It’s become very nasty of late. Very best wishes for your whole family.

Summernightsinthe21stcentury · 15/09/2024 19:39

Yes 100% agree, I really wish the best outcome for your husband OP.
Take care x

TiredyMcTired · 15/09/2024 19:40

Hi OP, I hope you are doing OK, when I read your last post I really felt for you. Some people can be awful, and post responses without thinking about the impact of what they say. Please don’t let them outweigh the kind advice and support you have had too.

Rosscameasdoody · 15/09/2024 19:41

Differentstarts · 15/09/2024 18:26

Sounds to me like a potential aneurysm possibly (AAA) so awaiting scans and tests. Before surgery can happen It's obviously not cancer as you don't die Instantly from that

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Could be, but equally could be an advanced cancer. My DH was admitted to hospital after sudden onset of symptoms. He deteriorated rapidly and was put on a ventilator and admitted to ITU where they did an emergency CT. He had a previously undiagnosed lung cancer and had had no symptoms until it reached a critical point, and by that time had spread everywhere and was inoperable. He never regained consciousness and died a couple of days later. Not inconceivable that something similar could be suspected. I hope not, and hope the news is good.

letmego24 · 15/09/2024 19:43

Is it possible to speak again to dh perhaps after the drs have been round tomorrow am and say the reasons you feel bad about not informing mil and that she may just want to be kept in close touch rather than leave, but at least she could make her own decision

Aimtodobetter · 15/09/2024 19:44

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 22:04

Incredibly this thread has managed to make me feel worse.

I haven't asked for opinions on my actions nor have I given any context for which comments to be based off.

But some posters have still managed to make misinformed assumptions, which whilst wrong, still hurt. Some posters should feel ashamed of themselves.

Please think about what you post. I have enough on my plate and I'm doing my best.

I’m sure you’re doing a wonderful job balancing small children and your husbands needs - and your posts were very clear you just wanted context, you would never betray your husband’s wishes by contacting her yourself (which I fully agree with). I think your instincts are right to want to tell her - but if your husband disagrees you should feel good supporting his decision as right now he probably feels a bit powerless and so supporting whatever choice he makes at least allows him to feel more in control.

diddl · 15/09/2024 19:44

I don't think that she has a right to know if it isn't what he wishes.

I do agree though that a lot of us would rather sod the holiday & come back if it was the holiday that was the reason for not telling us & they really wanted us there.

FootieMama · 15/09/2024 19:53

I think people sometimes don't really absorb the seriousness of their situation. I would tell her. I am sure she would hate herself for having fun while her son was in hospital. I would drop anything for my kids.
You are all actively deceiving her about something that is very important to her.

letmego24 · 15/09/2024 19:55

Has she not messaged him directly while away? Is he able to respond?

Seabreeze18 · 15/09/2024 19:56

Thinking of you op! Such a hard decision to make but I would tell! After having said to dh how important it is that his mum knows.

please update us and we are all hoping your dh is ok?

letmego24 · 15/09/2024 19:58

Hope he is getting better, and that the Drs expedite any urgent investigations tomorrow am.

croydon15 · 15/09/2024 20:03

I would definitely want to know and would probably never forgive the DW if something happened and I was not told

Differentstarts · 15/09/2024 20:04

Rosscameasdoody · 15/09/2024 19:41

Could be, but equally could be an advanced cancer. My DH was admitted to hospital after sudden onset of symptoms. He deteriorated rapidly and was put on a ventilator and admitted to ITU where they did an emergency CT. He had a previously undiagnosed lung cancer and had had no symptoms until it reached a critical point, and by that time had spread everywhere and was inoperable. He never regained consciousness and died a couple of days later. Not inconceivable that something similar could be suspected. I hope not, and hope the news is good.

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I'm sorry about your husband. I was basing it on op saying if diagnosed it's completely fixable with urgent surgery which is why I didn't think it sounded like cancer

tarheelbaby · 15/09/2024 20:04

I'm in agreement with @FootieMama . When my DH was recently in hospital, seriously ill, he was too sick to understand his situation. He didn't even know what day of the week it was and was unable to speak. All this came on in a matter of hours so there was no chance for him to prepare.

If your DH is seriously ill in hospital, his DM would want to know, irregardless. She would want to make her own decision about what to do.

If he's able, he must contact her to update her. I can't imagine not contacting my mother if I were gravely ill in hospital. I would even tell my MIL. So please contact his mother if your DH is beyond being able to do this himself.

Maddy70 · 15/09/2024 20:12

No. They are just tests. That can wait. Its up to him to tell her on her return

JoyousPinkPeer · 15/09/2024 20:12

I hope you get good news soon and your hubby has a full and speedy recovery

Everycloudect · 15/09/2024 20:16

Understandable that this thread is still trending. Everyone is hoping & praying it's a good outcome for the OP her DH & the family. My final thought on this is what if the unimaginable was to happen and OPs mil hadn't been told about her sons condition because he was worried about spoiling her holiday. The reality is she would forever be thinking while she was sunning herself enjoying cocktails her son was critically ill and nobody told her. I can't imagine how she would get over that. I couldn't. Let's hope it's a good outcome for all concerned.

six666 · 15/09/2024 20:22

I would have no hesitation in telling him that I was going to let her know, not only for her sake but also for my own peace of mind. If it was my son I would 100% want to know and I would trust my daughter in law to tell me regardless of what my son said....

Nanny0gg · 15/09/2024 20:27

Mebebecat · 14/09/2024 21:24

But this situation is not about what mil or you in her position would want. It's not about you or her fullstop. DH has told you what he wants and you must honour it. I cannot believe you might share his medical details with someone he has specifically told you not to involve. And don't try and persuade him to change his mind either - he has other priorities at the moment.

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She isn't going to share them!

Read her posts

She's just wondering what others would do

Tiredofallthis101 · 15/09/2024 20:36

Hoping for good news for you tomorrow.

letmego24 · 15/09/2024 20:41

Off thread / aside but I'm finding a lot of the health threads lately are giving poor advice and being quite finicky with personal judgements and comments even though the OP is either sick or in a difficult family situation. Maybe it's better for them to use the health thread not AIBU? It's shameful anyway. The SVT thread that's been pulled was awful and potentially very dangerous.

letmego24 · 15/09/2024 20:42

As in people gave awful advice. I hope she is ok.

MollyMini · 15/09/2024 20:55

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 20:39

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

My eldest child is 31. If this were me, I would absolutely want to know. I would drop everything and come home, regardless of the outcome. Even if my son had specifically told his partner not to “ruin” my holiday, I would still want to know.

I had a devastating event without my Mum when she went on holiday once and I so wished she had been there but when she got back, she thanked me for not “ruining her holiday” so I would absolutely never ask for her again.

I wouldn’t ask any detail. His wife knows that all she would need to say was We need you here. And there I would be. Simple.

TeaBoxFlower · 15/09/2024 21:01

As a daughter, I wouldn't tell my mother in this situation until I had a diagnosis.

As a mother I would want to know immediately

There's no right or wrong decision here. And it's your husband's choice.

I hope very much that the the doctors are able to give him the best news possible in the circumstances