To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

[hmmwhat1]

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

As a mum I'd want to know but as it's your husband's decision I would abide by his wishes. I can understand why he's reluctant to interrupt the holiday too. Unless you know that he's not likely to survive long enough for MIL to return, I would follow his lead and wishes. Although it might help him to have his mum with him, he would feel betrayed by you and potentially more stressed by you contacting her.
If you feel that he's making a mistake that he's going to regret or she is, then talk to him and try to get his consent first. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that there's not a devastating diagnosis and he makes a full recovery soon. Sending healing thoughts your way!!

It really doesn't matter what the potential diagnosis is, but how sad is it, if it is the worst case scenario and your mother in law was not able to see her son in time. I can't imagine that. I appreciate your husband is trying to not worry anybody needlessly but if it were that serious, she will be absolutely distraught to not have the chance to come home to see him.

Indeed

It's a bit hard to give an opinion OP as you don't give any indication of how sick he is currently or what the presenting features were .. presumably acute to still be an IP but if more a case of ruling out to be on safe side and he's well then that obviously different from he's sick, unstable or a serious diagnosis looks very likely.
Simply not enough info

But most people die unexpectedly and you don't get to say goodbye it's unfortunate but that's life

It's your DHs news and his decision whether to share it You need to grow up and shoulder your responsibility as a wife

I think OP feels awkward as the WA chat is ongoing as if they are all lying / concealing things.

I would follow DH's wishes and not contact his mother.

@Differentstarts I don't think most people die unexpectedly. My father did, but most of my other relatives who have died, there is at least short illness, and in many cases protracted ones, and it sounds like in this case the OP is talking about a fairly young person.
I was just saying my own opinion, I get that the OP's husband is saying what he wants, but it is just a real shame that's all.

No. His family, he decides. We have a rule in our family that if people are on holiday we don't give them bad news unless they have to come, ie dying. some relatives went against this once and rang my parents in italy to tell them I'd been in a car accident. I was beyond furious.

My experience is the opposite however that might be due to me being quite young still so the majority of deaths have been young people so have always been sudden and unexpected suicide,murder, car crashes, sids, cardiac arrest, brain bleed, asthma attack, drug overdose etc.

Haven’t RTFT but I would tell MIL in this scenario. DH doesn’t want to tell her because he is thinking of her holiday NOT because he doesn’t want her there. If it was the latter, I’d respect his decision not to tell her. But he is trying to be selfless when he is feeling alone and would benefit from her being there and she would probably want to be there for him, and OP may get some comfort from knowing he isn’t alone. So not telling her seems a lose-lose situation. (I’ve read the OPs posts so I know many disagree)

@hmmwhat1 hoping for the best for your DH.

I wouldn’t even tell my mum if she was 10mins down the road.

Why worry someone unnecessarily.

OP that sounds incredibly stressful.

I can totally see both sides. I don't think there's a right answer.

Hoping for the best for all of you.

I imagine the vast majority of us are mothers. Wouldn’t we all want to know? Nevermind the test results, I’d want to know my child is in hospital. Kind of him to shoulder the burden alone but I think his Mum has a right to know. Hope he makes a recovery OP and gets the news you all hope for xx

Because it would be traumatic for the person left if it was necessary. The OP is very kindly thinking of her MIL because she’s taking all the scenarios into account.

If he might have a life threatening thing it isn't on hold, until the diagnosis then kicks in once you know!

If you go against him there is that to deal with.

If you stick to it but don't tell MIL you have her to deal with.

It has to be what he wants but if you don't agree, go with what you can live with.

I would wish to be told , I think it is a difficult position for you to be in x I hope there is good news next week .

The most likely situation is that it is a benign situation. But what they are testing to exclude, could, if it were that, cause an immediate life threatening situation. And if it deteriorates it could happen far too quickly for DMIL to get back.

OP if you’re still monitoring, I agree you’ve had some horrible responses - I think posters are forgetting that MiL is not the only one involved here, and that you could lose your DH, and your children could lose their dad. It must be a horrible situation for everyone, especially since you can’t be there with him as much as you’d like.

The bit I’ve highlighted above would be what made the decision for me. I would err on the side of caution, override his wishes and contact her - he’ll be angry but it’s a difficult situation and understandably, he’s not thinking too clearly. Ruining her holiday isn’t the issue - advising DMiL of what’s happening and allowing her to make an informed decision as to whether to travel home or not is the priority. If the worst happened and she didn’t get home in time you would never forgive yourself, and she’d likely never forgive you for not taking the decision out of his hands.

I think you should tell her for a couple of reasons. She has a right to know - it’s his hour of need so to speak, and she can provide what sounds like much needed support for your DH. She can also support you, because at the moment it sounds like you’re shouldering most of the burden. Obviously you need to go with whatever you think is right, but I think these are all points to consider in your decision.

I know you’ve said you’re stepping back from the thread, but if you’re still lurking, please come back and let us know how things are. You’re all in my prayers.

But the point is that by the time they find out what’s wrong the deterioration could be imminent and rapid - too rapid for MiL to get home in time. I 100% wouldn’t want that on my conscience and in MiL’s place I think I’d find it impossible to forgive.

How long is the holiday and when is she due back?

Was just about to say this. I’d be heartbroken if my children felt they couldn’t interrupt my holiday.

And you need to have a bit of compassion for an OP who may be facing losing her husband imminently. As the MiL I doubt I could forgive this if I was left to ‘enjoy’ a holiday while my son was potentially facing a life threatening situation. So OP is in an impossible situation. If she contacts MiL she angers her sick husband. If she doesn’t, she may well ruin her relationship with MiL for ever more if the worst happens.

It's hard to know without knowing the potential diagnosis...

But if my child suddenly died whilst I was on holiday and had I been told, could have been there, could have seen him again, I don't think I'd ever get over that.

I hope everything works out fine though

Not as rotten as MiL would feel if the worst happened while she was on holiday.