To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

[hmmwhat1]

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

Please tell her.
If I thought one of my sons was so ill he might die and I hadn't been told because I was on holiday I would be devastated.

Also can your siblings not look after your children so you can be with your dh?

How do you think your son would feel if his wife went against his wishes and told you something that he had asked her not to.

Go with what your husband says

It's drives me nuts when people say I would want to know etc. It's NOT your choice. It's the choice of the person who is ill. Everyone else has to suck it up and deal with it and the consequences. I would also press the hospital for answers. Thoughts with you x

No it's his decision.

I also wouldn't tell someone on holiday, why worry them so far away with unknowns when you can tell them calmly when you actually know what your dealing with

Having been in this situation with my Father he only told us when he had definitive diagnosis (yes it was bad news) and other relatives had been sworn to not tell us. I 100% respected the decision he made to not give us worry when we couldn't do anything.

Your husband is choosing to shoulder the majority of the stress himself (as you can't be there as much as you'd like to be). By going behind his back and telling his Mum, as others have said Mama Bear (my god I really do hate that phrase) instinct comes out, but you are putting her need to look after him in front of his need to keep that worry from her. Respect his decision.

YANBU I'm a mother to now adult children and I would want to know. And yes I would take the first flight home, although my DH might object. Oh, men....🤦🏼‍♀️

Why would your need to be a lioness override your Son's wishes?

I'm sorry you and your DH are going through such a terrible time, OP. I do think YABU regarding contacting his mother. He is not a child and can make his own decisions. It doesn't matter at all what you think or what you would want if you were in your DH's shoes. I have been in his shoes, my now ex disregarded my wishes and it's one of many things I have never forgiven him for.

I would want to know if one of my children was in a life or death situation. Obviously hoping for the best for your dh and you all. 🙏

For all the many posters saying OP shouldn't tell her MIL....she has clearly said she is not planning to and will go by DH's wishes.

Her question seems only to be whether it's a reasonable course or action he has chosen or whether his mum is likely to want to know

So Sorry to hear what you are all going through. I really hope it isn’t bad news. As a mother I would want to know, forget what everyone else is saying, tell her.

@hmmwhat1 just here to wish you and your dear DH well. Thinking of you both

Do you know what the specific rest is awaited / how long it takes - are we talking Ct, or MRI, or biopsy or what??

Oh how awful. Hope all is okay.

She would want to know I think. We were in the reverse situation on our honeymoon my FIL had a stroke and the family were dithering about whether to tell us but we’re glad they did

That sounds hard like you must feel you are concealing it - I'd hate that too.
If Dh is fully compos mentis and has capacity then I agree following his wishes is all you can go, if he deteriorates and loses capacity goes to ITU or something then tell her straight away.
Can you tell me the test? Is it MRI?

I get that but I assume the OP needs support as well, MiL could help with the kids and allow the OP to be with her husband. Could you put it this way to your husband? he is being the dutiful stoic son but if he thinks it might help YOU he might be persuaded to tell her.

Sounds to me like a potential aneurysm possibly (AAA) so awaiting scans and tests. Before surgery can happen It's obviously not cancer as you don't die Instantly from that

this is someway similar when politician's are on holiday and theres a crisis back at x location, overall what difference would knowing make ? if the situation can be managed by the necessary people etc then in theory it just causes more issues ?

Or Echo ??

If potential AAA that can be diagnosed quickly by CTA usually on admission if a concern so think that less likely.
Maybe a faulty valve or endocarditis etc

Or cerebral aneurysm
Or angiogram

It is ultimately the decision of your husband, who has decided not to tell his mum right now. The majority of mums would want to know and get the first flight home. But that’s irrelevant. You’d be going against your husbands wishes and you have no right to do that. Respect him enough to do it his way. Perhaps organise some child care so you can spend more time at the hospital.

An angiogram is a test not a diagnosis