To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

[hmmwhat1]

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

His choice.

Why would you ruin her holiday? I would not do this even if the diagnosis was not good. It’s just a rotten thing to do.

My first thought was no dont what the point in ruining their holiday then I thought about my kids and if it was one of them I would definitely want to be with them and I would t care about missing the rest of the holiday I would come straight back. So yes I think you should tell her.

All those saying they d want to know and would fly home immediately, well yes that what the majority of us as parents would want and do, but it's not really the point is it? Do our adult child have no rights or say in regards to their own medical situations? I wouldn't want my mother around in this situation, she would be no practical use, would stress me out and I'd have to deal with her worry as well as my own, what would be the point? Especially when we don't even know what we are dealing with and can't focus on specific concerns or put plans in place etc yet. Now if my partner were struggling on their own with work, childcare and household stuff and she were to come home and focus on being a practical help there fantastic, that would be so helpful in this situation, but tbh in most cases that's not were the MILs focus is going to be

As one of many who have mentioned this, the reality is he's doing this for the benefit of his mother which by all accounts is not what she would want. If you read the thread OP has said he would love her to be there to support him and its unfortunate about the timing of the hospitalisation etc coinciding with the holiday. His request about not telling his mother has nothing to do with the stress of having her around worrying about him as people have suggested. Hopefully all the tests will prove there is nothing to worry about OP.

even if that person was your actual son who said he did not want you told?

It's a difficult one. If the results are due in Tuesday then I would wait for them. If it's good news (I hope it is) then no problem. If not then you tell her then.
My husband was ill over 12 years and we never told my mil or my parents when follow up scans were as they...well MIL just showered me with their anxieties and honestly I couldn't cope with it.
This obviously is a more acute situation but I'm of the opinion not to worry someone else until you really know you need to worry them. I found anticipating results was worse than actually knowing the results.
I don't know what symptoms or possible diagnosis your husband has OP but I wish you well and hope you get some answers soon. You're in a difficult position.

yup this.....there is a whole lot of (understandable) me me me here from the mums. The person at the centre of this has said no, end of.

Read my post few posts back and you'll find out he does actually want his mother around. He's doing this FOR his mother but wrongly so in the cases of mothers who would definitely want to have the opportunity to fly home early, especially if it was serious and every moment counted.

The DH in hospital doesn't want his mum there because he doesn't want her to be worried. The mums are saying they would want to be worried because you don't stop being a mum when your child is grown up. It's not me me me.

He absolutely does deep down want her there for him as OP has said in the thread. It's interrupting her holiday that's his reason.

God help you both OP, that sounds absolutely horrendous.
I can understand the predicament when it is so potentially serious and he is feeling so distressed.
I hope you are reaching out for support to your family and friends for yourself.
Wishing you and your husband well.
Mind yourself.

I'm so sorry your getting such shitty cunty messages here op

What a bunch of wankers some people can be.

You have a really hard situation to deal with.

I know. That was my point. He's trying to save her from the inconvenience and worry but I don't think that is the way she would see it.

Edit: re reading my post I realise I didn't express myself very well.

Yup. Just because it’s his mum doesn’t mean that that’s the only relationship that matters here

But he doesn’t want that? He’s asked you not to tell her?

YWBU to go against his wishes. He’s the one dealing with potentially awful diagnoses and he may not be able to cope with the guilt of impacting her holiday. Taking that control away from him in a situation where he has very little control would be unforgivable, imo.

You sound as though she wants to tell her MIL just to ruin her holiday. If the diagnosis is not good, she states that death could be almost immediate. If that was the case, I doubt his mum would be comforted by the fact that her holiday wasn't ruined.

Yes; and other posters have suggested the MiL won’t. My point was that the OP should prioritise husband over MiL.

It's absolutely up to your DH regarding whether your mother-in-law is told. It doesn't matter what his reasoning is, if he doesn't want your mother-in-law to be informed yet you don't do it, I'm shocked at all the people who think that it would be okay to disregard his wishes.Being ill is bad enough without having people think that it's their right to decide on things like this for you.

I don't want my mum to be worried because I can't cope with her worry on top of my own, and my partners worry and my kids concerns. It's not just about protecting her, it's about protecting myself until we at least know what we are dealing with. And yes every relationship is different, and some people would be comforted by having their mum in the country and up to speed on it all but it just doesn't sound like DH is one of them

How many times does it have to be mentioned that he said he would want his mother around. His reason is not to spoil her holiday & nothing to do with him not wanting her concern & support

Well if he really wants her he d tell her, or tell his wife to ring her surely, there's no reason not to tell her if her really wants her. However if he doesn't really want her not upsetting her holiday is a good excuse to justify not telling her right now. Aside from anything else telling your mam and her flying home underlines how serious it all is and if he doesn't want to face that right now. If she werent away she would know about it because straight up lying to her face is a different ballgame so yes the situation would be different if the timing were different.

No she doesn't need to forgive. She was denied the opportunity to spend time with her mum while she was still well enough to recognise her. As an adult the only person that should have made that decision was Thursa herself.

And his wife who posted it clearly said that a lot of the time he is indeed alone.

So sorry you're going through this. My husband was in a similar situation a few years ago but his mother was elderly and unable to travel so I played things down till I knew he was recovering.
This situation is different as his mum is able to offer support.
If he was my son I would want to know and make the decision myself.