to get pissed off with all those surveys that say working mums screw kids up...because I'm fine ..are you guys? did your mum work? we need to sort this argument out once and for all!

[MicrowaveOnly]

Because that's the real question some of the age old threads could be asking

I have to say that I find this thread really touching. It's great that so many women are proud of their mothers.

I am a feminist too - just think feminism has lost its way a little

StressTeddy - feminsm is all about giving women choices.

And when does being a feminist mean you can't debate or disagree?

Does being a feminist mean keeping the peace all the time and being a meek little woman?

Please women, lets not debate things too harshly, it might be deemed unferminine and a betrayal of the 'sisterhood'.

Haven't read this thread yet (am at work, so am saving it until lunchtime), but here's my tuppenceworth: my mum didn't work until I was a teenager, but I often wish she had - it was lovely having her around but I remember her being quite depressed at times, and we were always skint - I remember my dad borrowing money off my grandad at the end of every month. The job she eventually got was just a part-time one in a shop, but she loved it. I think she's really intelligent and I sometimes feel she could have done so much more in life if she hadn't just done what was expected of her and given up work to get married and have children. Mind you, her life's pretty full now - she's just retired from the job, but does amateur dramatics and has a better social life than I do!

choice is pivotal and central to feminism,as is the understanding that divergent beliefs exist eg one size dies not fit all.

feminisim like any ideological belief system evolves and changes.eg we benefit from the ground breaking sociopoplitical work done by femminists to camapign for greater female access to Higher education. this has been so influential that certainly i had an expectation i could attend University

contraception -free and widely available

campaigns to promote women in employment and in accessing previously denied roles. discussion about the glass ceiling

certainly i have benefitted from the feminist movement

Without feminism we wouldn;t have a choice at all. And liberal democracy. So while it could be better, the glass is kind of half full for me on this issue.

haven't read the whole thread, but my Mum worked all through our childhoods and still does, now as as deputy head teacher. She was all but a single parent the amount my (adulterous) father put into our upbringing until he left. Thank god she did work, as my dad that man left her financially high and dry when he b*ggered off with his bit of skirt after remortgaging without telling her and spending the lot.

Friends of mine whose mothers never WOTH seem to have a stiffling relationship with them. I think working made my mum a better parent too - she worked as a teacher and really understood DCs. I never felt anything other than love and that she had time for us, even though she must have been at breaking point with juggling work and three DCs on her own

Aaargghh - there is no point to this argument. Call me niave but I honestly believe that the majority of mums make the right decisions for their family. Oh, but that doesn't sell many newspapers - silly me.

Well im in the lucky position of being a WAHM but I do find the assumption that being a SAHM makes you dull a bit narrow minded.

I agree I thought feminism was about CHOICE, we just seem to have gone from being a society where MEN told women they couldnt work to one where women who work look down on those who dont and visa versa (sp).

The ideal situation would be if employers caught on to the fact that there is a massive untapped willing and able workforce and made more jobshares or convenient working hours available.

I dont think there is a right or wrong to the SAHM/WOHM debate, the only thing you can do is what is right for you as long as your children know you love them, you have time to help with homework and someone supportive looks after them when you are working then you have done the best you can.

Is it some underlying guilt or envy that makes some people SO defensive about their choices when raising children?

When I first had my DC's I worked full time, partly because I believed we needed the money and I remember (can't believe I'm writing this - oh the shame!!) feeling really resentful of my SIL, who got to be a SAHM via the benefit system. I felt like this mostly because I was under enormous stress working FT with 2 under 18 months. My beliefs were probably far more in line with the DM than I'd like to admit.

However, once I'd recovered from a nervous breakdown, caused by stress and gotten over myself. I accepted the fact that I chosen to work F/T and had no right to judge or resent my SIL for her choices she made for her family. Thankfully, I never said it out loud, because I love the relationship I have with her, she is an amazing woman.

So is it guilt, envy and resentment?

My mum went back to work when I was 13 and db went off to boarding school. She was far more fun when she'd gone back to work as she was having adult conversations, and was holding her own financially. I don't feel damaged at all, and was glad that she was a civil servant as when my Dad left her when they were in Gib with the RN, she could come home and get her job back.

I've done it the other way - I went back to work when ds was 6 months old, on a job share, but paid a fortune in holiday care. I retrained as a teacher when he was 5, and worked fulltime, but am now a SAHM as we have moved abroad. DS likes me being at home when he gets in from school, and seems more settled now that I'm not working.

I'm involved in his school, and both attend and teach various classes here. I'm applying to start my MA in January, as I now have the time and funds to do it properly; not by tagging it on to the end of a long and hard working day.

I think that being a WOHM and being a SAHM may be suitable at different times in your life. There is no one size fits all here. I am taking time now that I couldn't when I was younger, and appreciating it all the more, especially as I am intrinsically lazy and can cheerfully wile away a day on MN, or reading a good book.

The bottom line surely, is that we all individuals and different things suit different people. What does unite us all is that we are mothers, and trying to do the best thing for our families. We may not agree all the time, but it would be a dull world if we did. We should be supportive of each other's choices as we don't know the circumstances behind them.

My mother worked and it didn't help me when I was in my teens and going through a bad time. She came home from work in a rush to cook supper and it was hard to find time to talk to her. I hated coming into an empty house.

She was a good role model, though, and gave me some good advice.

I have arranged my work so most of the time I'm at home when my children are back from school.

Bridie, that is the perfect solution isn't it, working from 9 til 3pm (with holidays off!) really difficult to achieve, but then everyone is happy!

The sad thing on this thread is how many mums seemed to have been depressed by staying at home, and felt they missed something. At least feminism has given them the oppertunity to get out there - I always had this idea that staying at home was easier in the 'old' days cos people talked more face to face and were more community minded. They walked more, watched less Tv/internet.

Still think this does 'sort this debate out once and for all' cos it seems the overwhelming vote is that as kids we were happy with parents working, so it doesn't screw them up, so we shouldn't feel guilty!!!! yeah!

This does not reflect one way or the other on SAHMs..its not a competition.

It is HARD to sort out and I know I'm lucky. I slightly 'pay' for it by still doing the same work I was doing over ten years ago, so not much career progression going on (though I am trying to branch out).

I think my mother would have been a nightmare if she hadn't worked--she kind of fizzes with energy, still, at the age of 70. I just wish there'd been SOMEONE at home with 10 minutes to talk to me(not necessarily my mother, any caring adult would have been fine).

Ideally, I suppose, we'd have grandparents to do the meet and greet.

My Mum worked part-time when I was small, and then full-time once I was at school, which meant I went to a friend's house for tea each afternoon. My Mum was a teacher and did supply work when I was small. Apprently she took me with her one time when I was about 9 months. My favourite activity at that age was being bathed, so I must have been in seventh heaven when she handed me over to the childcare class (this was 1970 when they still taught such subjects at school!) and I was bathed about six times in one day by various groups of students! I think I had a pretty idyllic childhood, and can't say that I was affected in a negative way at all by having parents that both worked full-time.