to get pissed off with all those surveys that say working mums screw kids up...because I'm fine ..are you guys? did your mum work? we need to sort this argument out once and for all!

[MicrowaveOnly]

Because that's the real question some of the age old threads could be asking

'The reality is that children grow up and move on as they should, sometimes husbands do the same. Women need to think ahead a bit and indeed think of themselves as well as what their children need now.'

I completely agree. My parents love each other, but my mum has always had her own money, her own bank account, has a pension plan she's beeen paying into for years, lots of money in savings etc. She has always made sure she's independant no matter what, you never know what'll happen tomorrow. She never wanted to be dependant soley on my dad or his money, and she's raised her girls to be independant as well.

I've done the whole stay at home mum thing for nearly a year now and I'm starting to bang me head against the wall a bit! It's just not for me lol. My daughter is absolutley thriving and I will make sure she always knows she's loved and comes first. But at the same time, mummy needs to work!

I agree that women need financial security and independence (as do SAHDs), but IMO the state should facilitate this: by paying parents who choose to stay at home with pre-schoolers, protecting their NI status, and placing statutory obligations on larger employers to enable more flexible working.

My mum worked when I was 8 and then only school hours. I really appreciated her being around after school etc as my dad was a shift worker and often worked Xmas etc. I never thought she was dull etc. She went back f/t when I was a teenager and said she wishes she had been around abit more (long story) I think having enjoyed my mum being there also made me want to be a SAHM although I was a WOHM for a while. I don't think working mums damage their kids though unless they spoil them materially or literally leave them all day everyday till late at night.

I don;t have a fantastically rewarding career.

I have a shit job with shit pay and a lot of stress.

I have to work unsociable hours to make the job pay for itself, otherwise I'd be paying loads for childcare. This involves 4 30am wake ups and going to bed after midnight most nights

The point is, I still work. I have to work, or we'd have to live in a 1 bed flat. I'd rather be at home with my boys, but that's not how it is. The fact is though, is that my children are fine for it. They'd be fine if I stayed at home too. being a SAHM isn;t for everyone (I did it for 3 years) and being a WOHM isn;t for everyone

Each to their own.

My mam didn't work.

She was at home when we got up, she got our breakfast & sent us to school.

She was there when we got home again, either cleaning brass or some such thing... probably something that she had done the day before too

She made the dinner, washed the dishes etc...

She hated it. She resented us. She only stayed at home as my dad didn't work & they got their rent paid My guess is that if she had to do it all over again she would change things.

She spent her life telling me not to have too many kids (she had 8) and not get tied down without a job/career. She begged us not to make the same 'mistakes' as she did.

She & my dad split after 40 years of marriage & she still resents the fact that she 'never had a life'.

I never want to feel like that.

So, I guess that although she didn't 'screw me up' by staying at home, she let us know that she never felt valued by society, she never felt good enough as she didn't work & she felt resentful of all those mothers around us who worked outside of the home.

I stayed at home for 5 years. Then I studied part time. The worst time of my life was staying at home & I fully believe that my children are better off with a happy mum who works out of the home than with a depressed mum who hated staying at home.

DH works shifts and he finishes early when on a day shift, so ds has about 4 hours a day with a c/minder & dd has 2 hours after school with the same c/minder. Then daddy picks them up & makes dinner for when I come home.

It works for us & I feel the children benefit from a mum who isn't sobbing as she's so fed up doing the same housework shit over & over again.

As has been said before, horses for courses.

see policywonk has the answer: if there were a better, more extensive state-supported (or even private employer supported) system for enabling women (in particular, but not exclusively) in and out and back in again to flexible work when their children were small, I think everyone would be happy.

Except, of course, for DM readers.

My mum was a SAHM and I am as mad as a hatter!

My mother should have gone to work, I wish she had, it would have made our lives easier - she wasn't the best of mothers...I did most of the mothering for my younger brothers and sister.

Oops still on name change -soz!

We should have another thread titled "Why my father has screwed me up and the fact he worked is irrelevant".

my mum worked 2 days a week and i really missed her. it was ok going to the childminder's or to teatime club after school, but i always wanted to go home and felt very tired and emotional.

when she gave up her job to work from home at hours to fit around us i felt a lot happier, and i think she was happy to find a job where she was using her talents rather than the rather boring office she had been in before.

i'm quite an insecure person and have had a lot of anxiety and depression so it's difficult to say 'i turned out ok'. Obviously i wouldn't dream of saying this was down to my mother having a job!!! God knows why i am the way i am... so many different factors go into making us the people we are.

My mum was a SAHM until my youngest brother got to secondary school.

Frankly, I'm glad she was and, luckily, so is she. No resentment from her at all.

I'm with BrummieOnTheRun. Fab post. Totally agree with you (maybe because I've done the same thing?). Let's move the debate on.

I so very much wish my mother had worked when we were small.

I work. I am a distinctly imperfect parent. However, I would be even worse at the whole caboodle if I didn't work. I was absolutely terrified during my first pregnancy that I'd have to chuck in work - I'm so glad I didn't.

Having said which, I did not and still do not want inflexible work. I am very very happy with the care my children received from their childminder when they were small -but equally, I like having more time with them now (they're five and seven) than I would if I were full-time in an office.

hello MI xxxxxx

well, since you asked, l my mother went back to work when I was 6 weeks old and she stayed at home for 5 years when my sister was small.

I have HUGE issues with my mother. Huge.

I have made it a point of honour to stay at home with my kids.

Go figure

Hi suzexxxx

also Monkeybird I tried to CAT you but you don't receive them...

my motheer worked, as a gp, and still does at 72
I was always very proud of her for being a doctor, and wondered what the hell all the other mothers did all day when their children were in school. (I still do, if I'm completely honest about it). My parents divorced when I was 20 and my mother has forged a completely independent life - which she would not have been able to do in the same way had she not kept her career going and been able to be completely financially self sufficient.
And even ignoring the divorce, she has had the benefit of a further 20 years of a fulfilling and interesting career after we all left home and grew up and got on with our own lives.
I hope I'm also demonstrating to my children (daughters AND sons) that a mother can be a successful professional person with an interesting career, independent income and a happy home life. And that motherhood doesn't mean subsuming your self and personality in your children, who are only dependants for a relatively short period of time after all, so that there is bugger all left by the time they are grown. And if my DH gets run over by a bus tomorrow I'll be able to support us all.

very valid POV, PPH.

I shall lie down on the couch now and admit that since my mother took early retirement from being a headmistress in 1990 and gushes at the drop of a hat about how gleeful she is she doesn't have to slog away at dull work anymore I kind of tend to resent it and wonder if it would have killed her to spend more than 6 weeks with me when I was a baby.

And how many Schillings do I owe you, Dr Freud

PPH, I'm sure you don't mean to imply that being a SAHM means 'subsuming your self and personality in your children', do you? Because that would be terribly insulting, and quite frankly complete bollocks.

not all SAHMs subsume their selves and their personalities in their children policywonk

but a fair proportion do and I think it is AWFUL

goes back to my point that once your children are in school you need to DO something worthwhile whether it is further education, paid work, or voluntary work.
the type of woman who does none of that but lives to polish her house and polish her children is not doing herself or her children or society any favours IMO

Fair enough - although I'd say that subsuming your personality to anything, including your job, is less than ideal.

FWIW I too am sometimes a little baffled by those who do nothing other than housework once their children are at school, but I think a large part of the explanation is that there are very, very few jobs that can be done in school hours. I know a lot of mothers at DS1's school who are desperate to find work that they can fit around school hours.

so then they should get out there and do some voluntary work
I have no patience with that argument. If you have a spare 7 hours a day you CAN achieve something other than a clean house. It is usually used by people who actually don't want to do anything other than sit around in the gym drinking cappucinos