to be expected to have grandchild overnight every week.

[memorybox]

DIL appears to be getting in the habit of asking us to have our DGC 1come stay one night every week, usually my days off work. DGC1 is 9 months old.

Because of this it means we cannot have my other DGC2 as i'm then back to work. DGC2 is 7 months old.

I do not feel able to have both at the same time.

I do so want to be involved in DGC's lives, and i don't want DIL to think i don't care or love DGC1 but i also want to be able to spend time with the other one.

AIBU in refusing to have DGC1 as often so i can spend some time with DGC2.

DIL asks us to have DGC1 so they can go out etc. DD has never asked us to have DGC2 but has said it would be nice to have an overnight break once in a while.

You are very generous!

My mum had my DD to stay for the night ONCE when she was a baby. I had a parents' evening till late (teacher) and DH was abroad. And there was one other occasion, once when we were invited to a one off party quite far away which PIL covered by coming down for the weekend. If they hadn't agreed we just wouldn't have gone.

I can't imagine having an offer for every week, purely for going out. Is your DIL OK? Is your son leaving her on her own a lot?

Whatever you do, whether it's nothing or once a month or once a year, you should definitely offer DD the same.

I have a difficult relationship with my lovely MIL because she doesn't tell me what she wants or thinks, I hear it from the people she's complained to. It's difficult to know what's right with letting grandparents have their turn without taking advantage. Tell her what you want! If she moans, then you know she's a CF, but maybe she thinks you want weekly overnights, some would.

I think you need to be honest with your son and DIL that its too much because there will be an expectation there that this will continue long term and there's a chance it will become more frequent.

My inlaws look after my nephew a lot. Have done since birth, he's 2 now. At first it was to give Sister-in-law a break when her partner was away with work. Then it was so they could both have a night out. Then it was to cover weekend's abroad. Now its to cover the days when SIL is working and her partner 'needs a break' plus, the weekends away, plus social events etc etc.

Inlaws love having him and they have a great bond, but they're exhausted. They work, they look after elderly parents. At some point they're going to buckle. I have primary school age DCs who get the odd overnight stay during school holidays only.

You sound like a lovely person OP and I hope you now have a clear plan in mind for the weeks/months ahead.
There have been some very strange replies on here, it seems some posters just cannot grasp that that some of us mothers in law do actually get on really well with our DIL. I loved your reply about the pink/blue jobs, that’s another thing that’s rarely understood on here, that a marriage can actually survive in perfect harmony without the constant bitching about who does what.

I agree . My DIL is the one that arranges the child care arrangements with me and that’s how we do it.
crazy mumsnet .

😁👏👏👏

Weird isn't it OP, I don't read any whinging or martyrdom in what you write at all, the more you write the more I like you! But there will always be those who have "an agenda" 🙄

Ignore them and take on board all the actually useful stuff and good luck, weather any storm, it'll be worth it in the long run.

I don't think the sexism is about who arranges what but more about the idea that babysitting is done "for DIL" as if the baby is obviously her responsibility not a joint responsibility with the DS.

If I look after someone else's child, I feel like I am doing both parents a favour, not just the woman

of course it's for both of them, its simply that DIL and myself were (note the were) the ones doing the arranging is all. don't make this something its not

I don't have any grandchildren yet, but can't wait and would be happy to have them overnight every week. I understand what op means, the age gap means she can't do the same activities with both, so I would have them alternative weekends.

You're splitting hairs anyway but in this case you are splitting hairs that don't even exist.....

It is "for DIL" it's for her to go out, on her own, not on a "date night" with DSS so it is her asking and it is just her that is benefiting.

Yes THIS isn’t this a conversation to be had with your DS?!

I think it's fantastic that you and your DIL have a great relationship. I do too with my MIL.

MIL had my DC to sleep twice a month, every other weekend from DS being 6 weeks old. My own parents did the alternative weekend so every weekend we had a full night's sleep/lie in. I appreciate every single one. DD is 15 and still stays once a month. DS was 18 this summer and will also still sleepover occasionally. Both regularly invite themselves for tea at either grandparents.

As your GC get older you may have them both together. My MIL did this and means my DC are extremely close to their cousins. As working parents we struggle to see them regularly, life is busy. MIL would have 6 grandchildren at times, tea once a week and sleep overs. It was full on. The kids still love it now and went for tea on Thursday as most older teens.

You sound like an amazing grandparents OP. Do what you are happy with and know you are appreciated by your children and will have a lovely relationship with your GC.

😂😂😂 If OP had written at the end of her first post "so I'm going to speak to my DSS about this" you would all have been shouting "Why??? Speak to your DIL, why are you by passing her and taking this to your DSS, just talk to your DIL!!"

This has been covered already.. but i'll repeat. I have a great relationship with my DIL and it just makes sense for us to communicate. I know having a great MIL/DIL is a big no no on MN, but i can assure you it does happen out in the real world.

Why do people assume that I must be having this conversation with SS? why is DIL not good enough to discuss childcare with? is she inadequate? is she less able to do this?

You see.. sexism can be twisted and turned to suit as and when needed, i think you are being misogynistic by suggesting i defer to the male in the household!!

;)

I don't think anyone thinks you are sexist.

But there is such a thing as structural sexism you know.

I am currently watching my former corporate lawyer friend (recently retired), who downgraded her career due to children while her husband forged ahead, spending her precious retirement caring for her DIL's tiny kids while the son forges ahead in his own legal career and the retired DH of friend is fancy free!

The only real change is the DIL is working full time as a lawyer also so my friend is basically wrap around for the nanny.

I do get a bit sick of the role of women being to make life easier for the men.

If you've never had to think about it then hurray for you I guess?

If you get on with DIL and are prepared to have her baby overnight once a week then she and your son have won the lottery of life!

Just decide how often you are prepared to do it and let her know. I think it is also fine to say that you are leaving some weeks free your your other grandchild to come over.

They are taking the p. You are doing too much. Cut it back to once a month max. They can in time find a babysitter for nights out like everyone else.

You work and have raised your own children. This is all too much. They are lucky to have you and shouldn't take advantage.

Now sorry to have to add this bit in because I think you sound great but your views are sexist.

Wow!! Absolute piss take. My ILs have never had the kids overnight! They are older now but no way. We don’t have nights together. We book a babysitter a couple of times a year, birthdays or anniversary. Once a week is madness, particularly with such a young baby.

My DM used to look after my DBs DC twice a week as my DB and DSIL worked. She would regularly say to me that it was too much and too tying. I never felt that I could therefore ask her to have my DC for a day - I was a SAHM. The result was that they never got to be as close to DM as their cousins were (we would spend time with her, but I was always there). I am still sad about that. I would definitely try to make it more equitable between the DGC. And what happens if they have more children?

"This has been covered already.. but i'll repeat. I have a great relationship with my DIL and it just makes sense for us to communicate. I know having a great MIL/DIL is a big no no on MN, but i can assure you it does happen out in the real world.

Why do people assume that I must be having this conversation with SS? why is DIL not good enough to discuss childcare with? is she inadequate? is she less able to do this?

You see.. sexism can be twisted and turned to suit as and when needed, i think you are being misogynistic by suggesting i defer to the male in the household!!"

If you have a great relationship then just have conversation.

'I'm feeling like I'm missing out on the other grandchild so I'd like to make I spend time with both so can we make it a bit more even???

Then when they are older and if I can manage both how lovely would it be for them to spend time together at mine? '

The issue for me, that nobody seems to have picked up on, is the fact that dil appears to need a full on night out once a week, sometimes without her partner, whilst being a new mother. I would have concerns about her sense of commitment and responsibility to both the baby and the child. I would be equally concerned if she were paying a sitter to do the baby care. I wonder if there are bigger issues at play than taking the piss a bit with grandma.

Of course speak with DIL if she organises childcare

BUT...... you speak as though you are doing DIL a favour when in fact you are doing DIL and SON a favour .

You speak as though DIL is being quite pushy in askinv for weekly overnight childcare when in fact the child belongs to your SON too and he is allowing pushy-ness to occur and he is allowing weekly overnight childcare to occur

You also speak as though its impossible to say no to DIL and SON so that you can help your DAUGHTER with overnight childcare

I dont understand why you can't offer fortnightly childcare to DIL and SON and the opposite fortnightly childcare to DAUGHTER and SonIL

Why is there any issue with DIL and SON?

It doesn’t matter what is expected or the so called norm OP. It’s what you’re comfortable with that matters.

@memorybox by limiting each set of GC parents to 1x a month you’re establishing boundaries

what your DIL is doing is laying claim to your time. She’s banking on you to provide childcare when she goes back to work.

the whole conversation about when you had the 2 day old baby when both parents were ill is the proof of this

nip this in the bud now and lay down the boundaries or this situation will get completely out of hand

This issue is non of my business! i do not agree with it, but don't feel it's my place to be telling DIL and SS that they need to adjust their priorities. I am neither ones parent!

As i've said previously, THEY have a big social network. They both go out, or its just her when he is working.

At first, i thought being asked was a nice thing, and sold as being able to better bond with GC, but as time goes on and it's turned into everyweek, as a new grandparent i wanted to know the opinion of others, and it would seem, that whats being asked/offered is not considered normal!

Lots of replies have given me food for thought and moving forwards, myself and DH will be reducing overnight stays for now.