to be expected to have grandchild overnight every week.

[memorybox]

DIL appears to be getting in the habit of asking us to have our DGC 1come stay one night every week, usually my days off work. DGC1 is 9 months old.

Because of this it means we cannot have my other DGC2 as i'm then back to work. DGC2 is 7 months old.

I do not feel able to have both at the same time.

I do so want to be involved in DGC's lives, and i don't want DIL to think i don't care or love DGC1 but i also want to be able to spend time with the other one.

AIBU in refusing to have DGC1 as often so i can spend some time with DGC2.

DIL asks us to have DGC1 so they can go out etc. DD has never asked us to have DGC2 but has said it would be nice to have an overnight break once in a while.

Coming from a different angle. DH and I both work full time still and do an overnight every other week with our grandson. We also do 2 school pick ups every week. The result of this is the incredible bond we have with him. We’ve done the overnight since he was 2 weeks old and he honestly looks at our house as his second home which if god forbid anything happened to his parents means he’d have a comforting and familiar place to come to. We’re by no means martyrs and if something comes up where arrangements need to be changed it gets sorted. We go on holiday, we have a social life and get untold joy from the relationship we have with our grandson. It doesn’t always mean parents are taking the piss

My mum retired early from her job and so wasn’t working by the time grandchildren came along. My mum did say though to my sister and sister in law that she would watch the children one day a week and they could decide what day worked for them. My mum said outside of the agreed day it would have to be an emergency only and not a regular thing. You need to set firm boundaries OP before it becomes expected.

Hi OP I replied up thread. I have a family member who asks my parents for childcare regularly. The family member will take what they can get but would probably be fine with a 'no' as well, their attitude is 'you don't ask, you don't get, and of they don't want to do it they can just say no'. My parents are of the opposite mindset that saying no is somehow letting people down. This has led to more childcare than they actually feel comfortable giving. They love their grandkids but they are now at an age where its probably too much for them but it's been going on so long they feel they can't say no now.

My husband and I have no other help available and we never ask them now. I know if I did they would make it work but I can see they have enough on their plate and i don't want to add to it. Maybe your daughter feels like this, and you don't have your daughters child because your daughter doesn't ask for as much help...but your daughter doesn't ask for as much help because you have your daughter in laws child. The cycle won't be broken unless you break it

You don't need to do all that to have a 'bond'

Personally I think once a week overnight is too much for a baby on your days off. I presume you are still working as well so must be quite tired. I would not have left mine overnight as BF for night feeds but even if BF or baby totally weaned it is a lot to expect. Looking after during the day is a bit different but I think once a month having one overnight then next month having the other is enough to expect of a working gran.

oh good lord, YOU still!

yes you are right! i am sure that most men are just a capable as women at arranging these things. however, in our household.. (and i do not doubt the phrase will trigger you!) we have, as my SIL refers to them 'pink jobs' and 'blue jobs'

so 'pink jobs' in our house are MY jobs.. and 'blue jobs' are DH's. now this is where it'll blow your mind! arranging things surrounding GC is a 'pink job'. I can almost hear your horror from here.. but he's the twist.. the washing and laundry in our house is...... wait for it... a 'blue job'. the hoovering.. is a 'blue job' yet the gardening is a 'pink job' and car maintenance is a 'pink job'.

the chores around our house are done by the person BEST EQUIPED to do them! and it just so happens, in our house.. I am a more organised person therefore better equiped to arrange childcare!!

please get over yourself

I appreciate that. Im just saying it can be a two way street. It’s not always parents taking the piss.

Right back at you😂.

i wish you well with your grandchildren and hope it all gets sorted with your daughter in law.

Absolutely brilliant reply…my Dad 60 years ago cooked and did the laundry,my lovely Mum taught him to drive,did the decorating and was in charge of the garden..pink job and blue job has really made me laugh 😆

Well said .

You’re being taken advantage of. I wonder where will it end up as time goes of you don’t set boundaries. A 9m old baby has no business having overnights, more so weekly, unless it’s an emergency. See what works for you and set the boundaries.

Op you need time for you to relax after a week at work, and to go out with your Dp too.

You know yourself it’s too much but you love ds and dil so are trying to help… they are taking advantage a little. What are you ok with? Once a month each? , if you are ok with this then communicate this, and move forward on that. You have a life too,

It’s absolutely right that you are setting boundaries now before the baby becomes an energetic toddler. You’ve been very kind having the baby to stay overnight and it’s ok to say that once a week is too much for you.

It's not that unusual really. My cousin has a few GC and she alternates and has one stay over per week and has done since they were babies, just so mum and dad have a chance to have a catch up on sleep and a lie in every few weeks. That's definitely what I'd suggest like PPs have said, alternate weeks or fortnight's is weekly is too much. Mine were about 3 when they started staying overnight with grandparents and my sister but everyone is different.

What @Lollypop701 has said.

@memorybox If you and Dil have a good relationship as you previously mentioned, then I think she’ll understand.

OP you sound like a loving granny but you need to be careful here because this could backfire long-term.

My MIL has a certain grandchild 2 to 3 nights a week because the child's parents love to drink, are lazy and demanding then other grandkids like her son's (mine and dh's ) she never has. When I say never I mean it (DC2 is nearly 8 and has never been in his granny's house despite it being 5 minutes walk from his school). Her own son (my DH) gave up asking his mother to occasionally look after his kids because he knew she didn't know how to say no to other demanding family members and his kids always come last because of this. We literally got told in writing on messages" I can't babysit for you to go to go to a doctor's appointment because x MIGHT need me to babysit her child". The doctors appointments she was referee to were for our oldest child her grandchild!!!

The long term outcome to this has been my kids are no interested in MIL. They complain when I mention she wants to visit (I never tell MIL that) but they get upset because they feel she is intruding on their lives with us, their day to day routine and their friends. They have no interest in their granny because she made it clear from early on in there lives their cousin came before them everytime. The child she put above other grandkids would rather be anywhere but with her granny now because the pressure was to much.

However in MIL eyes I am the bad one because I don't jump to facilitate her visits now because I know she only visits when she is free from babysitting duties for overgrown "adults" playing at being parents. I actually let DH deal with it all now. I think she thought she would get a more positive reaction to wanting to visit us more often from him but she didn't!

My MIL had plenty of chances to change this but never did. You still can!

I think you should say no full stop, until the child is talking and clearly understands why her parents are not there. A baby should be with its parents overnight unless there are genuine reasons (which are not socialising)

This is absolute rubbish. She’s not trying to be a martyr, she’s trying to be the opposite, despite the commenters like you. My fil never took care of babies so when my mil once again cancelled on looking after mine because sil had something come up and needed help, mil suggested fil could help. I asked dh if fil had ever looked after a baby before, answer was no, so he’s not starting with mine. My husband is an equal partner and I wouldn’t settle for anything less, but it is also irrational to not acknowledge reality. The op is going to help less, explain to dil she wants to be equally available for other gc, and keep things to a level she’s happy with.

OP, you are not obligated to say yes, and overnight every weekend is a lot when you work full time. You need to talk to DIL and say you are willing to help but cannot commit to every weekend. You have a right to enjoy your free time as much as anyone else, and becoming a grandmother doesn't change that.

I'm probably around your age, and the thing to remember is that your children made the choice to have children, not you.

She's a CF! Sending a baby off for overnights (unless emergency) is pretty shitty parenting in my book, but once a week, to someone who works, takes the absolute piss! My DC are 11 and 8. My parents have had them overnight twice, and have them for an evening once a month or so, for which we're very grateful.

Agree

I am a bit envious of anyone who gets an overnight. We never had one and DC is almost 2. We have a different relationship with both sets of grandparents. We visit as guests and from our end are always visiting either set, we rarely get a visit down our way. We are friendly with everyone but it’s not this amazing hand-on helping relationship some have in their families. I wish! I wonder how did I get caught in this type of family of no helpers.

Boundaries - You need to tell DIL that you’re tired and not going to be taking GB every week. You are working and entitled to a full day off. You are also entitled to look after other GB as well without being accused of playing favourites. I would suggest that now baby had settled a bit it’s time to drop back to once a month or every six weeks or so. Explain that DD has missed out in the meantime and you have no intention of “evening things out” but they are not to ask - you will offer days that suit you instead.

Honestly some MN will see bad in absolutely every thing. I don’t get it.

OP you sound like a lovely grandparent! And I think it’s lovely you would commit to watching your DGC once a week, especially the age that they’re at! They’re still really full on at those ages.

Could you broach the idea of alternating between the two DGC? I’m sure if your relationship is good like you say DIL will totally get it and probably just fell in to the habit of weekly sleepovers. I hope that’s the case anyway rather than being taken advantage of…

@memorybox

Having your GC1 sleep over every week is excessive and a bit cheeky of DIL expecting you to babysit every week on your day off.

Next time DIL asks, just say I can't this week, GC2 is staying this week or I'm sorry but I'm having the weekend to myself this week. You aren't wrong to say no and it's not normal to have GC stay every week.