to be expected to have grandchild overnight every week.

[memorybox]

DIL appears to be getting in the habit of asking us to have our DGC 1come stay one night every week, usually my days off work. DGC1 is 9 months old.

Because of this it means we cannot have my other DGC2 as i'm then back to work. DGC2 is 7 months old.

I do not feel able to have both at the same time.

I do so want to be involved in DGC's lives, and i don't want DIL to think i don't care or love DGC1 but i also want to be able to spend time with the other one.

AIBU in refusing to have DGC1 as often so i can spend some time with DGC2.

DIL asks us to have DGC1 so they can go out etc. DD has never asked us to have DGC2 but has said it would be nice to have an overnight break once in a while.

The babies aren't your kids. You don't have any obligation to look after either.
As it stands, I think it's entirely reasonable to have one baby one week and the other the following week. When they're older you can revisit.
This is still far, far, FAAAAAAR more than most grandparents provide for their grandchildren because of health, time, location etc.
You're absolutely within your rights to set boundaries where you feel comfortable; any support should be welcome - ESPECIALLY an overnighter.

I don't understand the need for the overnight stay either; maybe you could babysit in the more traditional sense - at their house, so you could go home when they come back from their night out.

It’s tricky for you to change what has been started but I agree with what others have said and you need to nip this in the bud now. I think it’s awful that she thinks it’s OK to let you have a 9 month old overnight once a week. She’s a parent now and needs to act like one.

We didn't leave my DD overnight with my parents until after at least age two and certainly not on a regular weekly basis so we could go out.

This isn't normal I'd say.

You need to reclaim your weekend OP. Stand firm.

Nope. In your shoes I'd offer what I could easily manage in terms of energy.

Maybe a babysitting evening once a fortnight, or a weekend daytime. I wouldn't have gc overnight until they reliably sleep through and can cope with being away from parents and enjoy it as an adventure - 2.5 or 3yo.

Where did it say drinking

I'd say I can only do alternate weeks so they both get a turn.

Once a week is too often, I agree. Mine have had overnights since 6 weeks every month or so which I think is reasonable if GP's are happy with that, of course.

There is no sexism. Those of us who live in the real world, know and acknowledge that its almost always the woman who does the sorting and the organising, the men just be where they are told to be!

Bellyblueboy made a really good point that it is always left to the women of the family to solve these issues and where are the fathers/grandfathers and you've shot her comment down. You've essentially let the men in your family off the hook so you'd better get on and sort it out with the other women. As for 'telling the men where they need to be', you're doing nothing of the sort.

It is a sexism issue but it's lost on you because you perceive it as 'hating men' when it's nothing of the sort, it's about not making women solely responsible for childcare.

I'm not going to lie, the replies have surprised me. I've seen post after post about MIL/DIL issues and i genuinely expected a roasting.

If i am honest, as we get older i know neither myself or my DH can continue working, having a life of our own and weekly overnight stays as it is, is already exhausting.

I'm going to discuss plans with DH and cut down the sleepovers to just 1 a month, and if it upsets SS/DIL then i shall have to ride the storm. The offer to DD will always be the same and perhaps one day she will take me up on it.

And now i don't feel so bad... i thought i was doing the best thing when it appears i was not.

please do not bring this sexism rubbish to my door or blame me for allowing it. and please do not force your ideas onto me.

this is not a sexism issue, so don't try making it one.

Well perhaps don't post on a public chatboard then OP. I don't much like reading martyrish whinging but there we are, we're all different. You crack on.

There is no sexism. Those of us who live in the real world, know and acknowledge that its almost always the woman who does the sorting and the organising, the men just be where they are told to be!

in my bit of the “real world” I’m married to a capable adult who manages the relationship between DD and his parents. It’s honestly amazing. His Big Job (and external genitals) don’t get in the way of that at all, allowing me to do my Big Job (despite my internal genitals). Even more amazing is that his mother has never questioned why he is the one talking to her about DD and taking her to see them and not me!

And when does OP get her days off to spend as she wants? She still works, and an overnight spreads over both days off, to a degree that she doesn't get a whole day to herself, ever.

thats very harsh don't you think.

didn't realise i was either whinging or being martyrish. at no point during this entire post have i moaned about 'the men' and yet here you are with your 'sexism' rubbish. absolutely no one forced you to comment, but you saw your window of opportunity to 'preach' and off you went. i do not doubt that your hoards of little followers will be online soon backing you up.

so to quote you 'crack on'

I think you’re being taken advantage of @memorybox

I’m a new granny, we’ve only got the one DGS. He’s the only grandchild on both sides of the family so it’s a little bit different. He’s 8mths old and has had one sleep over with his other grandparents because DDIL &DS2 wanted to see how he got on. He’s only little so they don’t feel like it’s necessary for it to be a regular thing as yet.

He’s coming to us for a sleepover in a couple of months because they’ve got a trip to go on that was booked before he was conceived. It’s nearer to our house so they can comeback easily if necessary. We must be sexist too, because the planning has gone between me and DDIL because we have the spare time to do it. DS2 is at work and doing a masters and DH works long hours. I get on really well with DDIL, there’s nothing wrong with communicating with her imo.

In your shoes I’d be telling them both that they can have a sleepover once a month. You need time to yourself too. It’s exhausting looking after a baby when you’re a little bit older. When we go to see DGS for a weekend it takes me a day or two to recover. Standing your ground doesn’t make you any less of a grandparent, you sound like you’re a devoted granny.

Yes. I remember asking my next door neighbour (we were and still are very close friends ) to babysit for an hour every week whilst I went to therapy a 5 minute walk away every week wheh my ex H walked out on me 15 years ago.

When she felt too restricted to do it any more she worded it in such a good and non confrontational way.

It's probably best for you not to rely on me for babysitting every Tuesday night anymore (then she followed it up with her own reasons why - work commitments etc)

I totally understood- you could do similar. But it doesn't need to be because of your other DGC.

It's probably best for you not to rely on me to have DGC 2 every Tuesday night anymore. I'm really happy to do it every 2/3 weeks (whatever you choose works best for you not your DIL) but I only have 1 day off in the week and I have a lot to do - and would love to have over DGC over sometimes too.

Most newish parents don't get any nights off in the early days. Many would have loved to but that's not really how it works pot as a rule. I would say your DS / DIL have had it a lot easier than most so far

You’ve been incredibly generous to have a baby stay overnight on a weekly basis! When do you get time off yourself?

Once a month is still far more than most new parents get (most don’t leave their babies overnight at such an early age).

They may not be OPs children but they are her Grandchildren which by all accounts is the next best thing to being the parent. There are actually Grandparents who take this role very seriously & rightly so. I do believe though that a once a week overnight stay especially when there is more than one Grandchild is taking it too far. Perhaps OP you could suggest a heart to heart discussion with your dil regarding how often you feel you can babysit especially since you have your dd to consider. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your dil & that's lovely. I'm sure she will understand.

how is an emergeny the same as babysitting every single week

youve been mugged off

My next door neighbours have their grand children overnight every fucking weekend. It drives me up the walk because they shriek and scream and shout in the garden. They have them for a week at a time in the holidays and it’s often several grandkids at a time.

They have one that is there every weekend from Friday to Sunday and annoyingly for us, she’s the loudest. We get no peace in our garden, even my own kids roll their eyes when they hear the screaming.

The GPs work full time so it must be full on for them as they don’t get a break. God knows what that set up is but I’ve never known anything like it. I mean
who lets their kids spend every weekend at their grandparents away from home? It’s nice they spend time together but two nights a week every week at 3/4 is imo too much. What’s the point in having then if you’re going to palm then off….

Don’t be so silly - nowhere did I say this was about hating men! It’s about saying men can and do arrange childcare and it’s an awful message to send to these small children that this is women’s work.

you say there’s no sexism and then go on to make sexist comments😂.

men are just as capable as women to arrange these things: but as long as women fuss over the men; pretend they aren’t capable of undertaking the most basic of thought processes this will always be left to women.

that is not hating men. That’s saying they aren’t, on the whole, incapable of functioning in this world! I am bigging the men up: your step son is probably a lot smarter and nurturing than you give him credit for. Don’t dismiss him just based on his gender.

And I must say I live in the real world. My dad did a lot of the childcare. He arranging babysitting with my grandparents.

my brother in law asks me to babysit.

why is your world more real than mine?

Wow your DIL (and son by extension) are very presumptuous and not at all fair. I have 3 dd oldest 9 and youngest 4 and I ask my parents on the very odd occasion to mind them and usually just if it's an occasion...wedding/birthday we've been out 3 times this year and only once has been a sleepover. My parents have raised their kids, it is nice to have a break of course but the expectation of every week and at the expense of your daughter being able to similar I would absolutely say no. Plus your evenings are your down time after working hard.

If you even did once a month that would be amazing! Fair play. But be careful as you don't want to put in place an arrangement you can't change.

I would make a few plans with your husband to do things on the nights most likely to be asked and say no, not available, then say I'll do my best to take them once a month or so but will need to be scheduled and coordinated with Dd as I will offer her similar. Love having grand children but not able for every week. If I was promised an overnight babysitter every 6-8 weeks I would be delighted with life.

Overnight once a week seems a lot for a baby that age, mine’s 20 months old and unless it was an emergency We’d never let anyone have her overnight.

I was largely brought up by a nanny (as in live in childcare rather than a granny) and hated it, so it’s lovely now to give my child what I lacked in emotional connection with my own parents.