to be expected to have grandchild overnight every week.

[memorybox]

DIL appears to be getting in the habit of asking us to have our DGC 1come stay one night every week, usually my days off work. DGC1 is 9 months old.

Because of this it means we cannot have my other DGC2 as i'm then back to work. DGC2 is 7 months old.

I do not feel able to have both at the same time.

I do so want to be involved in DGC's lives, and i don't want DIL to think i don't care or love DGC1 but i also want to be able to spend time with the other one.

AIBU in refusing to have DGC1 as often so i can spend some time with DGC2.

DIL asks us to have DGC1 so they can go out etc. DD has never asked us to have DGC2 but has said it would be nice to have an overnight break once in a while.

I night every three months or three years is fine. You don't owe them childcare.

I spent half my life with my grandparents.
But it backfired on my parents.
I became much more close with my grandparents than my parents.
There’s always a risk.
There’s always a price.

@memorybox This is your life and your time — therefore it’s your decision how you spend it. Don’t let guilt or pressure or anger or sulking get in the way of making your life happy.
Do what makes your life uncomplicated and stress-fres.
And then stick to your guns.
If somebody wants to whine about it, simply tell them it’s your way or the highway.
It’s very liberating when you hold all the cards.

Well said OP.

It’s really best to completely ignore posters who want to pick a fight with you over something irrelevant and derail your thread.

i just wanted to say well done for dealing with this and making the decision to offer overnight care once a month (which I think is still amazingly generous). I am retired and do a lot of daytime childcare, but would never agree to regular overnight stays as I would find it too stressful. You have to do as much as you’re happy with, this is your life too. If I’d been working, even the once a month arrangement would have been out of the question.

Do you never want to go out at weekends with your friends? Ours went to grandparents overnight for the occasional wedding or party, but it would never have been a regular thing - grandparents were out most weekends at friends or restaurants. Are you expected to never go out?

This! It isn't an option for me which is probably why I can't fathom it, but it seems like lazy parenting. One night every week is an awful lot for you and the baby.

Comparison culture is a disease!! We get an average of one night a year with all kids at grandparents, and another few with just the 6&9yo sleeping over, including when my 3rd was born. That would be fine, except that sil gets whatever she wants which seems to average out to at least a night a week and when it’s a rare night our two older boys are staying I think bloody hell, there’s no real reason apart from it would suit sil, so can’t you prioritise ours one time??

Could you alternate nights monthly ie one night per month per child? You are working and have a life to lead!

Obviously if one couple had a wedding etc they book in advance. My oldest is nearly 3 we have 2 very good granny's however I'd say between them we have had less than 10 overnights closer to 5 and majority ave been weddings,sometimes them staying in our house with him so we are back on duty the next morning.

Our granny's are great and see him maybe twice a week in our company,I'd never put them out asking all those overnights.

My SIL does ask at least 2-3 times per month and also goes on foreign holidays without her children at least once if not twice per year.

this I’m amazed. I just couldn’t imagine leaving my daughter that young. Our first night apart she was 2.5 and only because I was in hospital

It's beyond bizarre that they want to leave there baby every week to go out drinking. This isn't normal at all.

I guess you are older and babies are hard work. I would blank point refuse to have the grandchild weekly. Just offer once a month. It's easier and fairer for you and gives you time with your other grandchild if DD wanted that.

Always a Friday or Saturday night? That sounds even worse to me, what about your relaxation time at the end of a week? You've done your 'time' in having to be alert for young babies overnight. It's time for you to be able to regularly relax at the weekend.

I think your daughter in law sounds quite cheeky, especially the part where she commented about you having the other child at 2 days old, obviously that was an emergency situation.

Sorry if I missed it but have you offered to have DGC2 for a sleepover?

Having DGC1 every week is clearly and understandably too much. You are obviously coming from a good place but with 2 grandkids so close together in age you will need to be careful you offer (even if it's not taken up on) equal help otherwise resentment could build. I think it would be reasonable to offer a sleepover once a month to either each grandchild or alternate grandchildren.

My sister has I had kids close together and my mum was very regimented about keeping it fair however then by brother had kids and all rules went out the window and they got as much help as they wanted which has really tarred my relationship with my Mum (along with plenty other things to be fair).

As they get older hopefully things will get easier and you and your DH will perhaps be able to manage both at once.

OP, I wish you were my MIL. You sound lovely and very helpful...:)

I'd ask dd if she would like baby to stop once or twice a month. If she says yes I would say to dil to make it fair you can only have dgc once or twice a month now.

If dd says no she doesn't want to then you could potentially do more for now.

I used to stay at my grandparents' one night a week but I was much older- gave mum and dad a date night probably.

It's a bit much when they are babies. My inlaws had DDs one day a week and they did have sleepovers at granny's but they were not regular and it didn't happen whrn they were a few months old. I first left DD1 for one night/24 hours with DH at about 8 months. Whatever the arrangement it has to suit everybody.

If you are willing to have GC overnight then you really need to offer to your DD again. Your DIL is clearly confident enough to ask, your DD may being waitijgnfor you, or not asking because you've had DIL baby once a week.

So, if you work and has already agreed to have DIL GC, DD probably feels that she can't ask as you're already taken on the 1 day you're able to.

I wouldn’t set a schedual

when dil asks, just say I’m not able to this week, should be able to next week if you need

no explanation is needed

Wow OP, I think you’re doing a lot (too much). I would never have asked my parents to have DC until they were reliably sleeping through the night- but then due to the pandemic (and me not wanting to be away from them), it didn’t happen until they were 5. They’re 8 now and have had 3 nights staying with grandparents in their whole life.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect this kind of childcare from you, especially as you still work. Speak to SS and DIL and say you’re happy to have DC a couple of times a year/ once a month/ whatever suits you- then stick to that arrangement.

If your DD isn’t ready to leave her baby overnight, you could offer to have them during the day to give her a break (apologies if you’re already doing this!!) My parents used to take baby DC for a long walk in their pram every few weeks- gave me a chance to clean the house and have a bit of headspace!

Is it just me? I think your DIL going out on weekly basis is not normal? Not when she has a baby at home. And if I read this correctly, it's during the nights when her husband is working so it's not a "date night ".

If as you say you want to be involved with your grandchildren, why not have each grandchild week about? You get to see and have time with each child and the parents have a ‘night off’ once a fortnight.

Your Dil is taking advantage of you. How can you be expected to have DC1 a night every week while you are still working ! And a 9 month old baby! I never left my DC overnight at that age. I think DH asked Mil twice if she could babysit a couple of hours so we could go out to eat without the baby.
I think she's taking advantage of you. Tell her you're still working and need your sleep at night and you would love to bond with both your DC but bonding is not happening while DC are sleeping so she can come over with baby during the day if you're happy with that. Make sure to tell her that over night stays are for the parents not for the baby. And that you are happy to help them out once a month (if that's the case) since you will also be helping DD out because she could use a night if sleep as well. I think Dil sounds entitled. I would never dream of imposing my DC on my Mil (she would say yes) , she is the one asking. You need to put boundaries right now because she will soon expect you to pick up from nursery every day etc.

Exactly! OP said baby was planned but that Dil had a hard time adjusting because she wanted to keep her "social life". Well, not OP's problem. I do feel sorry for the baby though. I couldn't be away from mine so young, my body ached to be near them all the time when they were babies.

This

Once a week is definitely excessive. I didn't want to be away from ds that often. He's 4 now and I still don't!

I know different families have different norms but I think it's very inconsiderate to expect weekly overnights in any case but especially for someone still working and with limited down time.

I think once a week is a lot. Do you never just want that evening & your day off to yourself?

I would say once a month for each family (or less) is more than fair. YNBU.