to be expected to have grandchild overnight every week.

[memorybox]

DIL appears to be getting in the habit of asking us to have our DGC 1come stay one night every week, usually my days off work. DGC1 is 9 months old.

Because of this it means we cannot have my other DGC2 as i'm then back to work. DGC2 is 7 months old.

I do not feel able to have both at the same time.

I do so want to be involved in DGC's lives, and i don't want DIL to think i don't care or love DGC1 but i also want to be able to spend time with the other one.

AIBU in refusing to have DGC1 as often so i can spend some time with DGC2.

DIL asks us to have DGC1 so they can go out etc. DD has never asked us to have DGC2 but has said it would be nice to have an overnight break once in a while.

Your exact words in your previous post
"Please explain how my views are sexist?"

I did by quoting you directly and you're back again with the sarcasm and defensive retorts.

I answered your question in the OP that I do not think yabu about this issue which you didn't even acknowledge.

However you do have a sexist attitude and sneering at posters who pointed that out does not make it untrue.

YABU for not just saying no whenever you want to.

There really is no right or expected way to be a wonderful grandparent. Everyone is different. You won't be failing to make an imaginary grade if you decide, enough is enough, I'm not being told how to organise my life by my kids.
Having one or other of your Dgc to stay overnight is in your gift. It is absolutely not a duty. If once a month is what suits you, offer that. I'd recommend making it clear what you are happy to do, sooner rather than later. The longer you carry on doing whatever you're told to, the more it becomes custom & practice and the harder it will be to reset their expectations of you.

There are many other ways to be actively involved in your dgc's lives than having them overnight. You're not going to be letting anyone down, you are just reclaiming your right to decide.

Sorry but your DIL is a CF. Sounds rather like a school friend who married my mums friends son. My mums friend has her grandchild every Saturday night overnight and has done since that child was weeks old.

Don't have children if you can't do a full week with them.

I have two children (11 & 3) and my mum offers to take my children for a sleepover when she wants to spend time with them or there is an event she wants to attend with them. It's not expected. She has her own life and she did her time with her own children.

100 this
I nearly used the phrase ‘did her time ‘ but thought it sounded like a prison term 😆
I suppose at times parenting can be compared to it !!!!!

I'd definitely be using that phrase if expected to do that much childcare for GC. It's not a prison sentence but if you've not got much childcare help yourself it does mean that your life is very restricted for that time. Its perfectly normal to want to do different things with your time when your kids aren't dependent on you anymore.

Tell your DIL you're happy to have DGC when needed but not every week as you need time to relax on your days off & feel you don't get a good nights sleep with little one being so young. Also explain that there may be times when you have your other DGC staying over & you're not confident having them both at the same time. You can have a close relationship with both DGC without them staying over every week so don't be pressured into having them sleep over so often.

Learn to say no, she had a kid so she needs to look after it.

Tell her you're willing to have them every other week, or every 2 weeks. If your daughter then asks for a babysitter, tell DIL you will have DGC1 on another night and she can lump-it, or like-it.

@memorybox Please ignore the accusations of sexism - you are allowed to ignore them now, and stick to the topic of your thread!

Good luck talking to your DIL about your new boundary.

❤️💙

I hope you get things sorted out to suit you and your husband 🥰 Maybe on the night you get given back, you two can go out on dates together or choose a film to stay in and watch with a pizza 😁

Also hoping you get close to having your daughter and husband's baby staying over at your home, when your daughter and husband are ready to spend a night away from precious baby 😍✨ xx

I never left my children overnight at that age and still wouldn't now unless it was a necessity. If dil is struggling she needs to take it up with your son re his work schedule. I'm a long way from becoming a grandparent but have no interest in doing night wakeups when I am older with grandchildren. I would, if my health permits offer childcare once a week during daytime hours.

You have your own boundaries, so set some ground rules and stick to them.

thank you all.. after a long chat with DH, we are agreed that we will limit overnights to 1 a month. we are and will of course continue our usual contact and offer help and support, just not as many sleepovers until they are much older. We've agreed that we as a couple are losing out on our lives and feel we have done our parenting and its not our responsibility to parent our childrens children. It feels selfish, but my relationship with my DH is important and we don't want our lives to be a merry go round of just babysitting and childcare.

we appreciate emergencies will come up and will deal with them as and when we can.

once again thank you all

You have her once a week?! That's a lot tbh. My parents are very involved but my kids usually spend a few hours there at a time, not a night every week

Good for you, OP!
Please do let us know what sort of reaction you get.

Why, so you can froth over the cheekiness of the DIL if she’s unhappy about it?

I’m glad the OP is going to set down a boundary that works for her, but really, it was totally within her control to do that in the first place.

@memorybox That sounds like a good plan. I hope you and your dh have some lovely free weekends together 🥂

ah yes thank you for the snippy comments.. hindsight is a wonderful thing don't you think?

have now alreadly spoken to DIL and SON for those complaining about him not being involved. they know that once a month is enough unless ofcourse a major emergency happens.. DIL and SON understand and are completely on board and have thanked US (me and my DH) for what we have done for them and accept that things need to change at their end moving forwards.. no arguements, no raised voices, just a normal adult conversation

Nowhere in the OP has mentioned they go out drinking once a week. You can go out and do things that aren’t drinking.

The sleep overs I had with my Nan gave me such lovely memories. Almost 50 years on I think of those nights .

so totally understand how whilst you enjoy it and want them to continue but that you a) can’t do it every week b) want to also have that time with your other grandchildren as they are old enough etc .

i think I would make an effort to tell the DIL how much fun or how precious this time is.
but then also tell her what routine/frequency/dates suit you (can we do it once a month, or on these 4 dates I’d love to have sleep overs)

age might well be feeling overwhelmed and really appreciate your support over night, I wonder if your son helps much in the night, or gives her social time some evenings? 9months was when my own PND really kicked in. I was knackered and lonely and overwhelmed and would have loved my kids to go to their grannies over night.

so may be before discussing reducing the sleep overs find out if she is ok, supported at home, etc etc .
in case you are- for now- offering her life line .