to be expected to have grandchild overnight every week.

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DIL appears to be getting in the habit of asking us to have our DGC 1come stay one night every week, usually my days off work. DGC1 is 9 months old.

Because of this it means we cannot have my other DGC2 as i'm then back to work. DGC2 is 7 months old.

I do not feel able to have both at the same time.

I do so want to be involved in DGC's lives, and i don't want DIL to think i don't care or love DGC1 but i also want to be able to spend time with the other one.

AIBU in refusing to have DGC1 as often so i can spend some time with DGC2.

DIL asks us to have DGC1 so they can go out etc. DD has never asked us to have DGC2 but has said it would be nice to have an overnight break once in a while.

Say no. Say once a month if you want. Say you have plans. Have plans.

I think once a month is decent enough and very generous, you are working and like you said, have another GC you'd like to make time for incase and you have a life and house stuff to do.

Talk to your son about looking after his own child so your DIL can go out if she feels the need but her social life isn't your problem to solve.

It really doesn't make you sound horrid, you know. Few parents expect their parents to have small babies overnight at all, let alone once a week. You'd be perfectly reasonable to offer a maximum of one night a month each, and to make it clear that there will be times when you can't do that if you're busy doing something else.

I was just taking about this with DH. I remember my Mum being adamant she wouldn't have any sort of regular childcare because it then just becomes taken for granted. In fact the parents get annoyed if you can't make it whatever reason.

She instead did lots of ad hoc stuff so there was no expectation (and hopefully a bit of gratitude)

Your DIL is taking the piss!

I am reaching this territory with grown up dc and a dil. Absolutely no way would I be having under 3s to stay except in exceptional circumstances.

So the baby is only 9 months old and they need an overnight off every week?! No doubt they are planning DC2 and will expect the same again. Stamp it out now OP.

And thinking about only one person out of about 50 families I know had their grandchildren once a week, let alone over night.

The first thing that struck me is that you keep referring to the fact you are doing it for your DIL. Even if she is the one organising/ asking you are doing it for your son as well.
We have 2 children and they both have young children. We do childcare 2 days a week ( 1 day for each of my children). We do exactly the same for both our children.
We have had all the children for overnights but never did an overnight until they were over 1, probably nearer 2. We don’t do overnights every week. We do have 2 children at once but there are 2 of us and my husband does 50% and we are both retired.
I do think you are being put on but blame your son not your DIL. You need to nip this in the bud.

initially it came about because when DD had DGC2, a few days after the birth, both her and her husband ended up in hospital overnight with a bug they had caught (i dont want to say from the hospital, because it might be unrelated) and we had no choice but to take the baby (2 days old). DIL and i feel so bad for saying this, noted that we had the baby so young, yet had not had theirs and as we had proved we were capable, and how it would be a bonding thing for us to have DGC1, it was arranged.. and it stemmed from there!

we've not had my DD's baby overnight since, it was a genuine emergency situation we were thrown into.

YANBU, once a week is a lot, I'm a lone parent and certainly never expected that from my mum.

An emergency is a completely different thing, though. Of course you stepped in for that, but it doesn't mean that you now have to agree to looking after a baby every week when there's no emergency!

Also bizarre to presume they are going out drinking. Cinema, theatre, bowling, restaurant, concerts, skating, chasing the Northern Lights, etc., etc.
No matter how much children are loved, parents also need some time to themselves. It is also useful for babies and young children to become comfortable being left with grandparents, etc., in case the parents have an accident or sudden severe illness.

Your DIL is a Cheeky Fucker. She's used the fact your poor DD and SIL were hospitalised to her advantage for overnight childcare for her boozy nights out with her child-free friends. The audacity of her. I'd have put her straight on that right away, using your DD's sudden illness as a reason for her to take advantage of you by palming her young baby off on you for overnights.

You say it was a planned baby, yet she sure went back to her child-free weekly piss-ups quick enough. She saw you coming.

And her husband, your son is taking on extra hours because they are not financially well-off, so he's working more, so that she can go out on the weekly piss?

Fucking hell, she's a Grade A Cheeky Fucker.

Put some boundaries in with this piss-taker, whilst I don't agree with baby's going for overnights elsewhere, if I were you, I'd say once per month, max. You're still working, you deserve downtime.

Right.

Some grandparents do childcare
Some grandparents help out
Some grandparents do nothing
Some grandparents do overnights occasionally
FEW grandparents do overnights regularly

And if they're still working they don't (can't) do much at all.

So do what YOU want to do and can cope with. Your DiL is taking advantage (you can't always do the same for both) and now your daughter doesn't want to miss out either

Your DGC is still very young. I didn't have any of mine before they were 3 (they're much older now) and it was always (and still is) once in a blue moon.

You make the rules, not them.

i'm not purposefully omitting the son, its just my DIL and I get on very well, and any arrangements for anything are usually between myself and her rather than with the son.

i know you will all pick up on 'the son'. because its actually my SS and not bio son but sometimes its just so complicated and its easier to just say son/DS and DIL.

and before anyone jumps on me, no there are no issues between me and SS. i just assumed communicating with DIL was pretty normal?

You're doing a huge amount, even if you weren't working. Definitely knock it on the head now. If you're up for it, I think one overnight a month each would be a really lovely thing to offer and still give you half (or a little more!) of your weekends free. But definitely no need to be doing even that - we had our first night off when our second was three!

Btw I don't think making arrangements through DIL is a big deal as long as you're both happy with it.

Knock all this sexist bullshit on the head before the kids start to notice. These children have fathers - why are the three women always arranging the childcare.

are there other grandparents involved? A grandfather anywhere on either side of the two children’s families.

edited to respond to your normal comment about women arranging childcare. Depressingly normal yes - but it doesn’t make it right! Needs to be changed.

So your the step mom so she's got two mils and her own mother and it's on you. You should be supporting your own dd.

You still work. Your weekends are your own. If you really to have both DGCs, I'd say once a month each, and have the other two weekends to yourself.

I didn't have my DGD1 to sleepover until she was well over 2. I still haven't had DGD2 as she's only 20 months.

I do as hoc childcare for the same reason as a pp's parent. But it was my daughter who recognised that scheduled regular childcare would be an unfair restriction on my life. So I have them when their parents have shift clashes etc, or in emergencies. But I'm retired so that's doable.

Son & DIL's parents i believe although i am not clear on the details provide daytime care for DGC1 perhaps a couple of days a week for work. Obviously there is myself and my DH on my DD's side. Her father passed away last year, so i am sorry, he simply can't help and his wife removed herself from the family 2 days after the funeral and moved to spain so i'm afraid there's no help there either.

There is no sexism. Those of us who live in the real world, know and acknowledge that its almost always the woman who does the sorting and the organising, the men just be where they are told to be!

Please don't turn this into an 'i hate all men' thing.. it's pointless and not helpful

I would only agree occasionally and not at all if I didn’t want them overnight.
You're older, are still working and these are not your own children - their parents should be able to have them overnight - it is more usual to have family babysit for a few hours for an evening out.

9 months is incredibly young for you to have a DGC overnight at all, never mind on a regular basis.

I think you need to say to your DIL (and your son, but I’ve read your update) how much you are prepared to have your DGC1. A max of once a month is still incredibly generous of you - they are still a baby and presumably still at least occasionally wake during the night?

YANBU ... at all!

It is good to enjoy grandchildren and to help out if you feel able and wish to do so. It is good to have time and energy for a life of your own. In your position, as you seem to want to help out, I would offer th have each grandchild once a month, leaving the other weekend nights for yourself. You are at the beginning of a very long road before the children don't need childcare/babysitting and it is certainly possible that both families may have more children. If you don't manage expectations you could become worn out and resentful instead of enjoying the grandchildren. If you offer once a month to both families that is very generous. Plenty parents can't get out together that often and both families should be grateful if you do offer this much going forward.
Congratulations on your new grandchildren op. My advice would be enjoy them, but enjoy time for your own social ife as well. 💐