Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

[purpleRainfalling]

So background story. We had a cat for about a year. It was my 17 year olds cat she got from a friend. It got too overwhelming me taking care of a pet when no one was helping and I have young children to take care of and I under estimated the responsibility when i agreed to the 17 year old that she can bring the cat home and everyone else was out of the house all day and i was left with the cat and as I have to try to find a job now that my daughter is starting 15 hours nursery I won't have time for the cat.

So I discussed with the 17 year old about rehoming and she understood. The other children were sad but adapted BUT the 13 year old is milking it. She is giving me silent treatment won't communicate with me and gives me massive attitude when she HAS to communicate with me

I feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad.

AiBU to feel like she's abusing me and using the cat rehoming as an excuse? There were times she didn't even want the cat in her room.

I've begged her to 'be OK with me'and it reminded me of when I used to beg her dad to be ok with me when he gave me the silent treatment

I'm so very anxious and sad

I imagine it won't be long before the 13 year old is clobbering her mum round the head. Otherwise, OP wouldn't be on here so riddled with fear. riddled with fear?! 🤔 where?!

That’s a hell of a reach, @Pantaloons99
Won’t be long before she’s clobbering op round the head?!

Look you had reasons to get rid of the cat and you know it's the right choice but at 13 children are not able to properly regulate emotions so it's totally normal for the child to be upset. That said, as the parent it's up to you to put boundaries in place. Your child isn't being abusive, you just aren't parenting them (in this moment not coming for you generally). You need to sit the child down and explain that it is ok for them to be upset but there are certain behaviours you won't tolerate such as completely ignoring you. Lay out your expectations and stick to them. They don't suddenly have to become happy with you or chatty cathy but they need to follow your rules. Eventually when they are feeling better you explain why as pet owners sometimes it's our job to put our pet's needs above our own - similar to parenting.

I also think you could do with some support to manage your emotions as it sounds like you struggle with them at times.

She’s having a teenage strop. Bit of a leap to call it abusive.

Coming on here afraid her daughter is an abuser? Begging the daughter not to be angry with her.

OP is 100% scared of her daughter.

Abuse isn’t about intention to cause hurt, it’s about impact. Many abusers don’t recognise the impact of their actions or they seek to minimise the impact e.g. someone that physically abuses their partner but says it was only a light slap/push or a parent that emotionally or physically abuses their child because they lack the capacity/skills to parent differently.

It’s also really sad that you define abuse this way and believe your 13 year old is an abuser. She’s upset and your response is to focus on yourself and your belief it’s a deliberate act to hurt you rather than focusing on her and trying to understand her feelings so you can help her manage them. I think I would withdraw and feel angry if I was her, you’re not in a space where you can fully hear what she’s saying so why say it?

If your ex/her dad was abusive, did she witness this? If so, what support has she been given to process these experiences? Even just hearing a parent abuse someone, or being abused, can have a huge impact on a child.

My DM gave away several of my pets when I was a child, including when I was a teen.

The last time she did it I was 17 and I immediately quit my A-levels and moved out of home.

Losing a family pet can be a very big deal, even if there are valid reasons. For a teen, this can be particularly hard - there’s enough turmoil and hormones going on, so grief or loss (even “just” a pet) can be really hard for them to process.

The words you’ve used about your 13 yr old are horrible. Milking it, giving you attitude, abusing you, treating you like a criminal - and let’s not forget comparing her to your abusive ex. What awful things to say about a child who’s clearly struggling with the loss of a pet. Where are you considering how she might be feeling?! You aren’t.

Your child starting nursery is irrelevant to having a cat. I understand there are other factors at play here but lack of time is how you framed it in your OP. If you were as disingenuous with your child as you’ve been here, she probably knows it’s half an excuse.

All of your posts are about what a terrible child she is and what a victim you are, with little actual care to the reason your child is displaying such behaviour. Even how you describe your 17 yr old - “guilt tripping” you into getting a cat - most people would just say persuaded…… It all just seems to be about you.

And then you’re annoyed because some people on here are trying to explain why your teen might be feeling the way she is…..and you didn’t like that either. Seems as if you’re only here for us all to agree she’s a horrible child and to give you sympathy.

Having been that child myself, I know how big this feels. And I’ve also been in the position of a parent just expecting me to instantly be fine about it - which I very much wasn’t. Your child is allowed to be upset, it’s a fairly normal reaction to losing a pet. Healthy even.

On a more practical note, you need to consider how you handled the move. Did you properly prepare her about the cat going or was it just sprung on her? Of course you’re the adult and the decision-maker, but removing a loved pet requires tact and understanding. She may well need time to come around fully but you need to consider her feelings, not just yours. This might not be something she can just “get over” - especially if you didn’t handle the move well.

Just because you’re over the loss of the cat doesn’t mean that your daughter has to be. She needs to be civil during necessary interactions but trying to force her to communicate with you and “be ok” isn’t on. She needs time, space, and understanding but she also needs to understand that she doesn’t get to be rude to you while working through her emotions.

Or a drama queen martyr?

OP I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time here. Your DD is behaving like a little shit and basically needs some discipline.

whatever you do, DO NOT plead with her to be normal with you! That makes you sound like a desperate friend, not her mum! You’re in charge here! If she can’t be polite, all privileges go. So no phone, no pocket money, no friends round etc. she can earn these back by acting like a decent human being.

and ignore the posters saying a cat doesn’t need much. The point is it wasn’t working for you and you are perfectly entitled to move it on. It’s not as if the 13 year old was doing to take responsibility for looking after it! It wasn’t even hers, it was her sister’s!

seriously nip this in the bud now. She needs to learn not to bite the hand that feeds her

I know, that does sound massively dramatic of me 🤦‍♀️. I'm definitely getting carried away with a worst case scenario.

OP is very scared of her, I can read that much into it.

Please stop using the word “abuse” to describe a child sulking. It’s a very strong word to use and one that people love to bash about to become the “poor you” victim. Actual abuse is serious. Not a child sulking!
I completely understand why she’s upset with you. You gave away your pet. It will take time for her to come round.
if your ex was abusive seek counselling. Be the adult with your child and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Presumably you talked it through with her and had tried everything to resolve the issues? At least 2 litter trays, vet visits feliway etc? She's clearly upset by the loss of her pet and needs time to adjust.

Im not sure why it couldn't go out? Ours go out the back and have never been near the main road. You could still open windows on the latch.

@DoreenonTill8 no, I appreciate it can seem that way . I think OP has experienced or been exposed to a fair amount of abuse historically tbh. There's a huge risk that kids can adopt these tactics. OP is scared of her.
The word abuse in relation to a teenager feels very wrong and triggering. I really think OP is just articulating her fear and her instinctive sense that her daughter is possibly becoming quite unpleasant.
No way this ignoring incident is the only thing leading to this post.

Or good old fashioned transference.

I’d have cried for about a month if you’d got rid of the cat when I was 13 tbf. don’t think she’s ’milking it’, this seems like a normal level of upset to me. She’ll get through it if you give it time (but she will be bringing it up on the regular for the rest of your life!)

Hmm, thing is - this isn't grieving is it? Or did someone die and i missed that

Grieving doesn't actually have to be about death. It simply means to feel intense sadness about something.

@fliptopbin yes that definitely could also be in the mix on some level

I don’t think it’s the 13 year old being abusive. She’s sad because she lost her pet-yes I’m sure she thought it was a pain at times but that doesn’t mean she wanted to give it away! We all think pets and even our spouses and kids are sometimes a pain but it doesn’t mean we want rid of them. So instead of begging her, explain to her calmly your reasons and acknowledge her sadness. She is a young teenager-you are her parent so don’t take out your mental health issues on her.

I'm 42 and still resent my mum for giving my pet away (she denies it but I know she did).

As the child of someone extremely narcissistic who thought she'd worked through the trauma ~ this was INSANELY triggering on so many fronts.

OP, it is NOT your daughters job to regulate her emotions to appease you. However, it is your job to raise her to have decent manners. For example, there should have been consequences for shouting at you, for violently slamming doors (?) and for not answering direct questions you ask her. Have there been?

I would add yes you have a right to make decisions like this for your family, but your daughter absolutely has a right to not agree and to dislike whomever she pleases! She should be responding to you cordially, but it could be a while until she wants to talk to you about anything non-essential. Unfortunately, if you have not raised her to not shout/respond politely/be generally well-behaved until now, then suddenly demanding it now is likely to be an uphill struggle.

@Heyheyitsanotherday ! silent treatment IS abuse.its a very basic entry level version which when prolonged and utilised regularly is fucking awful.
thats not news.it always starts somewhere.

I think that’s awful advice. For a start giving messages to children that family pets are disposable if it ‘isn’t working’-sure there are circumstances where rehoming is the answer but you can’t expect children not to be sad about it. Punishing her for feeling upset? Yes, you can explain calmly that it’s upsetting to be ignored but you trust she will come round. In the meantime, just be matter of fact about things. But withdrawing everything in some petulant tantrum because your kid’s upset over a necessary action isn’t the way forward. It will lead to resentment and bad feeling.

I'd ignore the silent treatment. However, their would be consequences for any rudeness.

I certainly wouldn't be crying and begging her to stop. You're giving her way to much control and power over you.

I'd be saying I understand that you are upset, hurt, sad (whatever) about the cat. Those feelings are normal and valid.. it's not okay for you to be rude, back chat (whatever). If you continue the consequences will be XYZ. Then follow through.

Firstly it sounds like you have a lot on your plate - a toddler, a distressed 13 year old and a 17 year old. I can understand why a cat who was pooing in the bath was just too much!

Also I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been in a relationship previously in which your ex gave you the silent treatment. Have you had any support for processing what happened in this relationship?

The reason I ask is because unprocessed stuff can easily be triggered by interactions, particularly with children! Even processed stuff can be triggered too - I recall feeling ‘bullied’ by my 3 year old and it tapped into all sorts of difficult feelings from the past. In that frame of mind it’s then really easy to relate to the child as though they are an abusive or bullying figure from the past.

If I were you, I think I would allow her to not talk to me for a while. Just give her that space.

This is partly because I think if you try and force/beg her to talk to you, she will just dig her heels in and it will last longer (I remember as a young adult feeling so angry with my mum that I couldn’t bear to talk to her and she then told me off about it which made me feel even worse!). Think of it like tug of war - if you stop pulling on the rope then she won’t have to work so hard pulling against you!

Also begging her to talk to you could make her feel dangerously in control and almost make her feel that she is “like her dad”, even if it’s not said explicitly.

I think what I would do is tell her that: -

• it’s totally okay for her to be sad and angry that I rehomed the cat and I understand why she would feel that way
• I would wonder with her if it left her feeling that she had no control over things that happened
• I’m sorry that I did not realise that she felt so attached to the cat and loved the cat
• I will not be asking her to talk to me anymore and that I will be here and ready to talk to her when she is ready

At a separate time, if necessary, I would also let her know that my job is to make sure everyone in the house is safe physically and emotionally (although you’re the adult so you can tolerate the ‘silent treatment’), so I won’t allow certain behaviours (eg. Aggressive door slamming in front of her baby sibling).

Good luck