Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

362 replies

purpleRainfalling · 12/09/2024 16:16

So background story. We had a cat for about a year. It was my 17 year olds cat she got from a friend. It got too overwhelming me taking care of a pet when no one was helping and I have young children to take care of and I under estimated the responsibility when i agreed to the 17 year old that she can bring the cat home and everyone else was out of the house all day and i was left with the cat and as I have to try to find a job now that my daughter is starting 15 hours nursery I won't have time for the cat.

So I discussed with the 17 year old about rehoming and she understood. The other children were sad but adapted BUT the 13 year old is milking it. She is giving me silent treatment won't communicate with me and gives me massive attitude when she HAS to communicate with me

I feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad.

AiBU to feel like she's abusing me and using the cat rehoming as an excuse? There were times she didn't even want the cat in her room.

I've begged her to 'be OK with me'and it reminded me of when I used to beg her dad to be ok with me when he gave me the silent treatment

I'm so very anxious and sad

OP posts:
Hubbabubbapple · 12/09/2024 17:59

I really judge you for this. Yabu giving a cat away like you’re giving away a jumper you no longer wear to charity.

A cat is for life, you are a grown adult and you should stick by your decision to take it in.

If they cannot get rehomed at shelters they can get euthanised you know? All because you couldn’t cope with feeding and poop scooping twice a day. It’s fine once you get used to it.

OutVileJelly1 · 12/09/2024 17:59

purpleme12 · 12/09/2024 17:38

There's just something odd about the way OP is still coming across

Like someone who has obviously been abused, ya mean?

Yes let us all bow down and blame the victim..smh

purpleme12 · 12/09/2024 17:59

tolerable · 12/09/2024 17:56

@purpleRainfalling .
You recognise the silent treatment as being an abuse/control tactic
also that its very triggering.
presume you also know-then-she will come out it,same way as went in it.
You have and did make adult decision about the cat.
shes having a childs reaction. let her.
There is literally nothing to gain from buying into the silence. Sit it out.
Do not plead,do not continue to explain your actions. She is getting a reaction.
I dont care if shes kid, YOU know that the silence is "your punishment" . Leave her to it.
Some of the responses on here are crazy.I dont think you re sound awful,to kids or bloody cat.I think you prob genuine concern on how to parent\eradicate repeat pattern (awful)behaviour . ,before it becomes her go to.
@purpleme12 -odd? the ops asked a question which clearly outlines shes encountered this behaviour-but doesnt know if this is "normal teen" or potentiallyb something worse,shes then had to defend herself from some shitty responses. Odd? is jump on like the narrator and attempt to what ?-inform the crowd/sway opinion...? bizarre

I'm not sure what the last part of your message to me means.

But yes the way she comes across is odd to me. It's not something I can put my finger on.

You might perceive it differently and that's fine

Pantaloons99 · 12/09/2024 17:59

@purpleRainfalling I have read throughout the entire thread. I have the pleasure of being raised in a Narc family and have had years of counselling. You don't sound like one to me OP. But I promise you, you are on the road to possibly enabling the creation of one.

  1. The cat had to go and that's the end of it. Problem 1 however is being bullied into it by your older daughter. NO!! You agreed so you take responsibility. Don't ever allow any child to guilt trip you again.
  2. Why on god's earth are you begging your kids to be ok with this. You get a grip right now OP and stop this victimhood nonsense. Your children know you are weak and this is very dangerous if there's a history of abuse in the family and the dad is manipulative.

You don't ever do this. You might feel it. But you are giving incredible power to children. That is dangerous in this dynamic.

You do not beg. You do not tell them you feel sad or anxious over their behaviour.

You tell your daughter that you need to have a conversation this evening ( do it tomorrow so you can prepare). If she refuses you tell her that it is not acceptable to have a 13 year old completely ignore their mum in their home for this long.

When you talk you sympathise and understand her upset. Be genuine. You are sad too but it was not feasible and cat is now happy. You can be kind and loving and STRONG at once.

Tell her you need her to communicate and show respect - even if this is just a case of answering basic questions. Complete silence will not be tolerated. If she does not communicate at all still, I personally would stop everything; making dinner, clothes washing, All of it.

13 year olds absolutely can display signs of abusive behaviour; but at this age, the power dynamic is such that it isn't abuse in the same way as an adult. Plus they are learning so are malleable to change.

I've seen kids of my own narc family members adopting techniques they've learnt from their sociopathic parent as early as 13 so it's very naive and fluffy of people to belittle your concerns here. You have to live it to understand it. Your fears are very valid.

Your victim hood and complete lack of 'balls' is going to make this an absolutely huge problem though OP. I know this having lived it. I've also struggled at times myself with being too soft and a bit neurotic. It's dangerous.

If daughter carries on well she knows where her dad lives.

purpleme12 · 12/09/2024 18:00

OutVileJelly1 · 12/09/2024 17:59

Like someone who has obviously been abused, ya mean?

Yes let us all bow down and blame the victim..smh

Show quote history

Ok.

There's really no need to say I'm blaming the victim

I haven't blamed anyone for anything

OutVileJelly1 · 12/09/2024 18:00

Hubbabubbapple · 12/09/2024 17:59

I really judge you for this. Yabu giving a cat away like you’re giving away a jumper you no longer wear to charity.

A cat is for life, you are a grown adult and you should stick by your decision to take it in.

If they cannot get rehomed at shelters they can get euthanised you know? All because you couldn’t cope with feeding and poop scooping twice a day. It’s fine once you get used to it.

I really judge you for not reading as far as post two

OutVileJelly1 · 12/09/2024 18:01

purpleme12 · 12/09/2024 18:00

Ok.

There's really no need to say I'm blaming the victim

I haven't blamed anyone for anything

Edited
Show quote history

Well I said it.

Stop trying to create a pile - on, for the op

nocoolnamesleft · 12/09/2024 18:01

As the adult, you get to decide to dump the feline member of your family. You don't get to decide how the other members of the family feel about this loss.

purpleme12 · 12/09/2024 18:02

OutVileJelly1 · 12/09/2024 18:01

Well I said it.

Stop trying to create a pile - on, for the op

Show quote history

You did say it.

😂

Oh dear. Laughable that you pick me to blame for the pile on!

Effitall · 12/09/2024 18:02

Pantaloons99 · 12/09/2024 17:59

@purpleRainfalling I have read throughout the entire thread. I have the pleasure of being raised in a Narc family and have had years of counselling. You don't sound like one to me OP. But I promise you, you are on the road to possibly enabling the creation of one.

  1. The cat had to go and that's the end of it. Problem 1 however is being bullied into it by your older daughter. NO!! You agreed so you take responsibility. Don't ever allow any child to guilt trip you again.
  2. Why on god's earth are you begging your kids to be ok with this. You get a grip right now OP and stop this victimhood nonsense. Your children know you are weak and this is very dangerous if there's a history of abuse in the family and the dad is manipulative.

You don't ever do this. You might feel it. But you are giving incredible power to children. That is dangerous in this dynamic.

You do not beg. You do not tell them you feel sad or anxious over their behaviour.

You tell your daughter that you need to have a conversation this evening ( do it tomorrow so you can prepare). If she refuses you tell her that it is not acceptable to have a 13 year old completely ignore their mum in their home for this long.

When you talk you sympathise and understand her upset. Be genuine. You are sad too but it was not feasible and cat is now happy. You can be kind and loving and STRONG at once.

Tell her you need her to communicate and show respect - even if this is just a case of answering basic questions. Complete silence will not be tolerated. If she does not communicate at all still, I personally would stop everything; making dinner, clothes washing, All of it.

13 year olds absolutely can display signs of abusive behaviour; but at this age, the power dynamic is such that it isn't abuse in the same way as an adult. Plus they are learning so are malleable to change.

I've seen kids of my own narc family members adopting techniques they've learnt from their sociopathic parent as early as 13 so it's very naive and fluffy of people to belittle your concerns here. You have to live it to understand it. Your fears are very valid.

Your victim hood and complete lack of 'balls' is going to make this an absolutely huge problem though OP. I know this having lived it. I've also struggled at times myself with being too soft and a bit neurotic. It's dangerous.

If daughter carries on well she knows where her dad lives.

Edited

This 100%

OutVileJelly1 · 12/09/2024 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DollopOfFun · 12/09/2024 18:04

She's a stroppy teen. Of course it's not abusive, what a strange thing to think- do you always tend to view yourself as a victim?

Ignore her sulking. Talk to her as you would normally. If you ask her a question and get no reply, shrug and move on, or tell her you'll decide for her etc. Don't give her behaviour the oxygen it needs, and she'll come around.

PurpleCheese · 12/09/2024 18:05

I haven't RTWT but you shouldn’t have agreed to this in the first place and in the second place, you have treated the animal cruelly. So I think your dd is right. Poor cat.

ItWasOnAStarryNight · 12/09/2024 18:07

"I've begged her to 'be OK with me'"

What? Get her fucking told, she does not get to give you or anybody else the silent treatment. She's 13 years old

"Yesterday she stormed into the bathroom whilst I was bathing toddler to ask for something and nearly smacked the door in my head"

If no genuine apology for that and if it was intentional then you punish her for her behaviour. Storming round like she owns the place, you need to come down on this girl hard and instantly or she's going to make everyone's life a misery and ruin her own childhood in the process.

purpleme12 · 12/09/2024 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I'm not sure what your problem is but there's not really any need for the rudeness is there

FOJN · 12/09/2024 18:13

I've begged her to 'be OK with me'and it reminded me of when I used to beg her dad to be ok with me when he gave me the silent treatment

Why are you begging her to be OK with you? If she's exercising the only power she feels she has, you are reinforcing the belief that refusing to talk to you does give her power. Stop doing this. You can tell her what the consequences are for creating an unpleasant atmosphere in the household and then leave her to come to her senses but you must calmly follow through on the consequences you warned her about.

I think you would benefit from some help dealing with how you react to any behaviour that reminds you of your ex.

I'm not sure why posters are focussing on whether rehoming the cat was justified, the cat did not belong to the 13 year old, you discussed the rehoming with your 17 year old and you had every right to decide how much time and effort you were willing to spend looking after a pet you didn't ask for. Your 13 year old may be upset but that would not have been a reason for you to keep the cat.

DoreenonTill8 · 12/09/2024 18:15

Agree with the 'she's being a typical stroppy teen' but with the added issue of she's been through lots of changes?
feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad. how many dc do you have? She'll have dealt with break up with you and her dad, new relationship and sibling re toddler, breakup with stepdad, and a recent house move, and now family cat given away?

Coffeeandbannans · 12/09/2024 18:16

That's the spirit! Blame a 13 year old for her learnt behavior! Play the victim! You don't know how lucky you are to have children and you choose to view them in such a bad light. Knocks me sick tbh.

LeontineFrance · 12/09/2024 18:18

Give her the silent treatment. You have been too kind. She should not be allowed to control you like this as you are the adult and she is pushing the boundaries. Stand up to your full height and look her in the eyes. 'No'!

AncientAndModern1 · 12/09/2024 18:18

Have you tried apologising for giving the cat away without discussing it first? I’m not saying you were wrong to do so (though I would have let the cat out), but children can be extremely attached to family pets even if they don’t look after them. It’s closer to a sibling relationship rather than a parental one. Maybe ask the new family to send some photos of the cat. And definitely reduce the emotional temperature of your home. Using words like ‘abuse’ and ‘triggering’ about a child being sad and angry about her pet being given away is unhealthy. I suggest therapy if you have started calling this abuse and ‘begging’ your daughter to be ok with you. You need to emotionally understand she’s not your abusive ex. She’s just a kid. Also are you angry that she’s the ‘only one’ who sees her dad? Do you think that makes her bad or disloyal? There’s a lot to unpick and you might need an empathetic adult to speak to.

DoreenonTill8 · 12/09/2024 18:21

LeontineFrance · 12/09/2024 18:18

Give her the silent treatment. You have been too kind. She should not be allowed to control you like this as you are the adult and she is pushing the boundaries. Stand up to your full height and look her in the eyes. 'No'!

Oh behave, a parent retaliation like this would be abusive.

HateSpewingTurnip · 12/09/2024 18:23

LeontineFrance · 12/09/2024 18:18

Give her the silent treatment. You have been too kind. She should not be allowed to control you like this as you are the adult and she is pushing the boundaries. Stand up to your full height and look her in the eyes. 'No'!

This sounds like great advice op and isn't at all weird 👍

Although may I suggest always standing up to your full height regardless? Poor posture and stooping can contribute to a variety of musculoskeletal issues which in turn can lead to stress.

Precipice · 12/09/2024 18:24

Hmm, thing is - this isn't grieving is it? Or did someone die and i missed that

It is grief. She's grieving the loss of her pet. It's just as gone forever to her as though it had died. Even if it had died, it's possible it would have been fully natural and nobody to blame, rather than someone else's choice.

Pantaloons99 · 12/09/2024 18:24

@Coffeeandbannans it's never as simple as learnt behaviour but always a complex mix of temperament ( biology) and environment.

I've seen and heard from mums who get battered by their 13 year olds. It's a taboo many people don't know about. As you can see from the pile on posts here about the incontinent shitting cat, and indeed yours, many mum's fail to reach out and actually do what they need to, to change the trajectory.

Abuse runs through generations of families and people need help and support understanding how they can work towards breaking the cycle. I imagine it won't be long before the 13 year old is clobbering her mum round the head. Otherwise, OP wouldn't be on here so riddled with fear. There's much more going on here beyond this silent treatment incident.

Demonhunter · 12/09/2024 18:25

You gave the family cat away, she's 13 and pissed off about it so is sulking like teens do and you want to call her abusive. Get a grip.