Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

[purpleRainfalling]

So background story. We had a cat for about a year. It was my 17 year olds cat she got from a friend. It got too overwhelming me taking care of a pet when no one was helping and I have young children to take care of and I under estimated the responsibility when i agreed to the 17 year old that she can bring the cat home and everyone else was out of the house all day and i was left with the cat and as I have to try to find a job now that my daughter is starting 15 hours nursery I won't have time for the cat.

So I discussed with the 17 year old about rehoming and she understood. The other children were sad but adapted BUT the 13 year old is milking it. She is giving me silent treatment won't communicate with me and gives me massive attitude when she HAS to communicate with me

I feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad.

AiBU to feel like she's abusing me and using the cat rehoming as an excuse? There were times she didn't even want the cat in her room.

I've begged her to 'be OK with me'and it reminded me of when I used to beg her dad to be ok with me when he gave me the silent treatment

I'm so very anxious and sad

Yes it does because you have no insight into the fact that she’s an emotionally immature 13yo (because that’s how you are in your early teens) who is reacting the only way she knows how to something that has really upset her.

Instead you’re claiming to be the victim in this scenario.

I think you used the wrong choice of words and as others have said you shouldn't be comparing her to her father but I agree with you that the silent treatment and shouting is unacceptable.

I understand she is upset and that is expected but she needs to be taught more healthier ways of dealing with upset not giving people the silent treatment and shouting. Such behaviour will also play into her friendships as she gets older and possible future relationships if not nipped in the bud.

I don't know whether you're a narcissist or not but the way you asked for advice about this and then aren't taking any of it on board is very frustrating. If you get stuck in this loop with your child instead of listening to them, I can see why it's not going well.

Your child is entitled to feel their feelings and express them.

Her child is entitled to her feelings but she doesn't not get to give her parents the silent treatment for days and shout at her. That's is absolutely unacceptable.

@purpleRainfalling Ok. The cat was clearly stressed and unhappy if it was peeing everywhere and if it had been used to being allowed to go out and about that will have added to its stress following the move of house. So it sounds the best thing for the cat to have been rehomed to people who were able to give it what it needed. That was a good decision.

I am more than a little concerned about you though, that you think a 13 year old who is upset about the cat and is also around puberty and with hormones raging is actually being abusive to you. Yes, teenagers CAN be abusive towards their parents, but to be honest this sounds like normal teenage behaviour. Unless she is being physically violent, threatening or trying to blackmail you financially or in some other way, she is behaving like many normal teenagers who are upset and angry because something has happened that they don't like.

You need to treat it as such and try to ignore the behaviour. Don't speak to her if she is crying or shouting and tell her you will not discuss anything until she is calm and polite when speaking to her. And stick to that. You may also want to try and find out if there is anything else going on which is upsetting her at the same time as the cat

This

She knows it's getting to you, you are giving her this weapon to use against you.

Im sorry your confidence has been so undermined by your ex that you cannot deal with a sulky teen.

I agree with you OP.
You were the adult and made the decision you felt best. It wasn't your dd's decision to make. She is allowed to be upset and you are allowed to feel sorry she is upset.
And she shouldn't be continuing to give you the silent treatment because that smacks of a toddler having a tantrum because they aren't getting their own way.

If people agree that she is abusing you - what would that achieve for you? Unfortunately she is your daughter and until she is an adult you kinda have to just grin and bear her attitude. The silent treatment obviously isn't abuse the same way it is from a partner - I would steer very clear of going down that line of thinking especially in front of her.

She's sulking. She'll get over it. Don't give her the rise shes trying to get out of you.

The silent treatment is one of the few ways young teens can feel some control. It's not fun, but it's not abusive, and OP doesn't seem to be modelling successful alternative paths forward.

Someone further up said I am a narc because I did something to hurt someone else expecting them not be sad about it

No I made a decision to rehome a cat for many reasons as I was the only one taking care of it
If I woke up one day and said right I'm giving this cat away as I know got a fact it will hurt my 13 year old and I can sit and make her feel bad for feeling bad! Nah that's a narc
The intention to give away the cat wasn't with the Intention to hurt her it was due to a multitude of reasons

I've told her I know she's sad and I've explained the reasoning and what I would really like is for her to communicate
But she's completely silencing me and at the times she had to communicate with she's giving me attitude. Yesterday she stormed into the bathroom whilst I was bathing toddler to ask for something and nearly smacked the door in my head so I made this thread tl ask advice whether this is going further than normal sadness and I guess I got tore down

As I said it's unacceptable and you conveniently left out that it comes with shouting at her mother to minimize it.

OP needs to teach her daughter better ways to handle her upset, again it is unacceptable for a 13 year old to be giving the silent treatment at home for days and shouting at her parents.

Yes the part about her father I agree with others she should not be comparing and making such statements but people are then using that to try to justify a 13 acting like that.

OP, not understanding that others are allowed to have feelings even if those feelings make you feel bad is like… the key of being narcissistic.

Nobody here is a psychologist (that we know of) and no professional could diagnose you without spending lots of time with you instead of viewing a small snapshot of your life on a website that you wrote when you were emotional.

At the end of the day, though, your child is allowed to protect their feelings by not protecting yours, if it’s something like not speaking to you. You’re carrying a lot of hurt from your ex. Your daughter is not your ex

There's just something odd about the way OP is still coming across

She’s not abusing you, she’s being 13. Please don’t be a victim to your child’s moods. Teens push boundaries, you may have got off lightly when your 17 year old was her age but it is completely normal for a 13 year old to sulk, shout, give attitude and slam doors, sometimes for absolutely no reason whatsoever. They are going through huge hormonal changes and their brains are no where near developed.

This is how I would handle it. Say calmly that you understand that she’s upset, but it was for the best as the new home is better for the cat in the circumstances.

Stay calm and don’t react. It is a provocation, but some teens do this.

Leave it for a while and don’t rise to it. But there should be no attempt to placate her - no begging or pleading.

At some point she’s going to need to ask you for something eg a lift somewhere not related to her normal activities, or a gift for a friend’s party or a school trip. If she hasn’t begun to speak reasonably to you by then, that would be my starting point for a conversation about respect.

I don’t really have advice about your daughter (not in the teenager years yet so 0 experience, just the knowledge I was an unreasonable person at that age.)

But we got a 4 year old cat and she hissed at the kids every time they passed her, they were terrified and wouldn’t walk within a meter 😂 she also peed on the kids beds about once a week. Me & DH loved her but it was too much with 3 young kids, she lives with my nan now who gives her undivided attention and she’s very happy with no kids and no longer pisses on the bed! Re-homing a pet doesn’t automatically make OP a terrible person sometimes it just doesn’t go to plan & then you find them a better more suitable home.

Because you are viewing your child's (fairly normal teenage) behaviour as though it's all about your feelings, instead of simply seeing it as a parenting situation that it's your job to manage. The OTT begging her to 'be ok with' you is really poor parenting. If she is rude, give consequences. If she's sulking, let her get over it.

IME a narc will often add to things if they don't get the answer they want so it sounds like responses they do get are very unreasonable so they can then become the victim.

So e.g. "is my daughter, the only one who speaks to her dad who abused me, abusing me? Im triggered. Ive begged her to be ok with me" (odd way for a parent to think over normal sulky behaviour) becomes "I'm upset she's upset, i dont want her to be hurt, I've been reasonable, she nearly smashed me in the head with a door!!" type thing.

Eta - so maybe not a full narc but there's definitely narc traits op.

YABU
Your DD is sulking because you have her cat away!!
It's your perception she is abusing you because of your experience
Do not " beg her to be OK with you
She is her own person, not her Father
Personally I think it's strange you have given the cat away, that's not good for your DC to see how little care you have

She is grieving her pet.

Her pet that its essentially your fault she doesn't have anymore, she is barely older than a child (still immature) and its only been a week.

Of course its not abusive. Whats abusive is people trying to control how she grieves this loss.

It's her feelings to have. Your feelings are yours to control but as an adult you should not put them on a child, you are the adult with maturity but a 13 year old putting it on a parent is normal.

A person doesn't HAVE to talk to someone. People go NC with family now its probably not that serious but once again just because shes young doesn't not mean she does not get to be upset at you and can be forced to play happy families.

The cat also was wanting to escape multiple times but we live on a main road ( we didn't when we first got him) so I couldn't let him out as he would have got run over

Cats that genuinely have a strong urge to be outdoors and live the outdoor life usually cope with roads very well. It’s a risk but not a guarantee! Plus even if something had happened it’d have been a better outcome probably and your daughter could have grieved properly.

Since when is your teenage child not talking called ABUSE? Would you like them prosecuted for dv too?
Poor kid you begging her “be ok with me” that would drive me to insanity. Let her feel what she needs without trying to control what she’s allowed to feel!

Hmm, thing is - this isn't grieving is it? Or did someone die and i missed that

The cat hasnt died. It has actually gone to be better looked after. Better looked after

And at 13, I would expect a teenager to be mature enough to take a view on this, ie what is best for the cat

This teenager is making it all about them. The world doesnt work like that

It's her feelings to have Oh come on...that is the buzz phrase these days that absolves everyone of behaving shitty to others. Being 13 doesn't absolve someone of behaving in a crappy way

A person doesn't HAVE to talk to someone I do not think OP is suggesting the teenager HAS to talk to her, but is expecting a tad of respect. It is bare minimum

a teenager sulking for a week over a cat being rehomed for a better life, is not standard teen behaviour - this is something extra

@purpleRainfalling .
You recognise the silent treatment as being an abuse/control tactic
also that its very triggering.
presume you also know-then-she will come out it,same way as went in it.
You have and did make adult decision about the cat.
shes having a childs reaction. let her.
There is literally nothing to gain from buying into the silence. Sit it out.
Do not plead,do not continue to explain your actions. She is getting a reaction.
I dont care if shes kid, YOU know that the silence is "your punishment" . Leave her to it.
Some of the responses on here are crazy.I dont think you re sound awful,to kids or bloody cat.I think you prob genuine concern on how to parent\eradicate repeat pattern (awful)behaviour . ,before it becomes her go to.
@purpleme12 -odd? the ops asked a question which clearly outlines shes encountered this behaviour-but doesnt know if this is "normal teen" or potentiallyb something worse,shes then had to defend herself from some shitty responses. Odd? is jump on like the narrator and attempt to what ?-inform the crowd/sway opinion...? bizarre