To not discuss my finances with DH?

[probablymenow]

The consensus is probably that I am unreasonable but I don’t really know how else to address this.

DH and I do have massively different salaries - his is more than double mine and probably nearly triple. I’m part time he’s full time. I pay for childcare (not cheap) groceries etc. he pays for the mortgage bills etc.

Over the last year he’s become increasingly antagonistic about money matters and it’s reached the point now where I just pay for what I need and pay my things out or my salary and I don’t discuss anything relating to money with him.

Cab this even work? I’m guessing most people will say not. On the other hand it’s the only sticky point in the relationship (admittedly a big one) and so quite honestly it just feels easier to pay for what I need and get on with life.

Yes people have responded to it and I have responded in turn.

I swear one more weird post and I’ll burst into tears, it’s a really horrible thing to say about someone.

Have you watched Ramit Sethi on you tube ? The title is a bit leading ' how to lead a rich life' but the premise is sorting out communication and financial planning between couples.

The idea is that you calculate your fixed costs, then a certain % for savings/ investments, then have an amount decided between the two of you for 'guilt free spending'.

You then decide what is it in life that is really important to you and focus your spending on that. If cars are important to your DH then he could have a monthly budget for that and the same for you on something you enjoy.
You could still keep your separate accounts.

How about approaching your DH with this idea ?
I always recommend keeping financial discussions purely factual and not emotional.

@AcrossthePond55 thank you.

To a large extent i do think this is ‘how things are’ but I have to admit it isn’t what I envisioned married life.

Well the question you ASKED was "AIBU not to discuss finances" and that's what the poster answered. We're not mind readers.

Money is a hugely important part of a relationship. Some people keep it separate and others don't, but IMO your situation sounds unsustainable. The choices are either: discuss and come to an agreement, or leave. Those are literally the choices.

The only reason a joint account would have made things 'ten times worse' is because there is a basic lack of trust. So you both 'hide' in your separate financial lives and evade the truth,

Well - yes: that is exactly what I am saying.

There's your answer OP.

In any relationship, sharing finances requires trust and mutual respect. If he's scoring points off you all the time, it's not working.

Some people just don't share the same values. I remember feeling really bad about hiding the strawberry granola whenever an ex-BF came to stay, but I learned that it was the only way to ringfence it from what was the equivalent of a swarm of locusts descending on my kitchen.

There has to be a balanced and shared view of give and take.

"I think he does feel hard done by. I wouldn’t be adverse to a joint account with a different husband!"

There OP - you said it.

Huh?

Further to my post about calculating guilt free spending.

Could you do your own spreadsheet first, before talking with your DH with both your incomes, fixed costs, other spending just to calculate where you are financially ?

It's not clear from your posts if you are spending massively beyond your incomes, you're both badly organised, if your spending everything and he's amassing savings, or if everything is in fact fine but you just don't talk about it.

The biggest problem you have is your husbands inability to communicate and he sounds as if he doesn’t feel you’re a family. He sounds like a single man who won’t discuss personal things with others. I couldn’t live like that because whether you think it’s only in this area. It can’t be. It is showing how little he values being together in life and any challenges. The equity of what you’re both paying aside. It’s his views on you not being included in his life in this way that’s so awful. It is massively different to my experience. Separate finances can work well although not how I’d like to live like, but both partners are open and there is good communication and support of each other. That works because of mutual respect and joint goals. You don’t seem to have that. And that to me is a marriage.

I'm sorry this is not a myth. I have three teenagers. I paid for nursery back in the day but I would say they are more expensive now (and I absolutely do not give them everything they want. I am pretty careful) - clothes/shoes, phone, allowance, lifts everywhere, and most of all out-of-school clubs and activities. A fortune per child monthly, and all at once - not staggered like nursery. It's a killer

When my kids are teenagers I will be able to work full time (nearly doubling my salary) and I will not be paying childcare costs. How much their phones are I couldn’t really care less. Unless they cost £1000 a month they won’t be as much as their nursery is.

Agree you need to both pool your income into one account. All bills paid from there. What’s left is split equally. You could agree you each take eg £600 personal spending money and what left is saved etc.
Youre looking at this the wrong way- actually the way to protect yourself against his behaviour is to pool finances and give him full access and you have full access.

With a differnt husband, you would just have all your money in a shared account, shared savings etc. Everything is transparent. You respect each other to live within your means and to make your own decisions. You will have different spending habits - everyone does - but that's just how it goes. You respect each other and it's not a competition. No need to keep tabs. As long as one if you isn't a gambling addict or something, you just get on with it as a couple.

@spirit1 honestly I didn’t appreciate that triumphant ‘gotcha’ post. I’m defensive and fed up at the endless childish ‘weird’ posts and generally a bit wrung out.

DH isn’t going to change and so what will be will be. I’m able to provide for me and mine and that will tick along much as it is ver did.

You are not being unreasonable to want to talk to your husband about this and get on the same page.
You do not have to accept his digs and put downs.
Yes, you do deserve better.

For a lot of people this degree of disrespect and secrecy from their partner (like how your husband is behaving) would mean they would leave them. I'm not saying leave him immediately because it's obviously more complicated but you should strongly consider it and carefully consider all your options.

why blame other people—who are taking time to read and respond to help you—for the fact that you are unhappy with your arrangements with your own husband?

You have the problem—you define it as a problem—how is it our fault for agreeing with you that it sounds like a problem?

I am in a pretty conventional marriage. I have never made as much as my dh/-in fact for years I was a SAHM. We have both received hefty inheritances. I went back to school in my fifties and now have a private practice while dh has retired. All our money snd all decisions about money has always been joint. And transparent. Why bother to be married or have children with a stingy bean counter who thinks his money makes him more important in the relationship? WTF?

If that is ok with you more power to you. I wouldn’t spontaneously harsh anyone elses mellow or make fun of anyone elses deviant pleasures. But you do have a problem with it! That is why you posted! So what do you want to do to solve your problem now that you have canvassed the ether?

I don't understand the point of your marriage really. It's a contract that legally binds you financially.

But you don't want that? Neither of you do. So why did you get married? I couldn't imagine living like this, all very awkward.

I'm sorry, but it wasn't meant as a gotcha post at all. You said you 'don't mind' separate money, but you also said you wouldn't be averse to a joint account with a different husband. I was just saying you answered your own question really, about why you're not happy and don't feel that this is the marriage you envisioned. That's all I meant.

I’m not blaming anyone at all for my marriage (apart from me!)

I do think when someone has said numerous times they find being called weird upsetting as well as unhelpful to carry on doing so is - well, it is rather unkind as well as unnecessary.

Fair enough. I am well aware what I said and don’t need it quoting back at me.

Of course it isn't! No one enters marriage thinking "Well, we're going to fight like cats and dogs over money/sex/family/child rearing but that's OK, I'll just live like that".

To some extent we all go into marriage with some sort of 'blinders' on. It's all about what happens when those blinders 'disappear' as the hum drum and hassles of married life takes over. And that happens to all of us at one point or another. If you really are trying to pull as a team then you work through it as a team, with counseling if needed. But if one of you is not willing work as a team then you may as well try to move a mountain by shouting 'MOVE' at it. Good luck with that!

For DH and I (married 37+ years) our 'bugaboo' was our son's teen years. We just had differing ideas how to parent a teen and neither of us was going to budge. We ended up in counseling and managed to work out how to parent together, to compromise. But the key is that both of us were willing to work on ourselves and to make changes and stick to them.

I think you're at the point where you need to make a serious decision, either;

-You continue to live as is and be unhappy, or

-You confront him directly and say "We need to go to counseling over money issues in our marriage, or else" (but you must be willing to carry through on your ultimatum), or

-You shrug your shoulders and leave without further discussion. Because what's the point in talking if no one is listening

It's no fun getting to this point. I know, I was there. Luckily option 2 worked for me. But I certainly would have carried through if he hadn't agreed

You’re married - why don’t you share all of your money in one account and then have one (or more) savings account?

Then you’re only working everything out as a family, instead of it being ‘mine’ and ‘yours’.

I never get why married couples /partners don’t merge their salaries.

There should be zero animosity over money when you’re a couple.

You sound confused and hurt OP. With your husband I mean. What about talking things over with a counsellor? Just you. It might really help.

Wishing you all the best.