To not discuss my finances with DH?

[probablymenow]

The consensus is probably that I am unreasonable but I don’t really know how else to address this.

DH and I do have massively different salaries - his is more than double mine and probably nearly triple. I’m part time he’s full time. I pay for childcare (not cheap) groceries etc. he pays for the mortgage bills etc.

Over the last year he’s become increasingly antagonistic about money matters and it’s reached the point now where I just pay for what I need and pay my things out or my salary and I don’t discuss anything relating to money with him.

Cab this even work? I’m guessing most people will say not. On the other hand it’s the only sticky point in the relationship (admittedly a big one) and so quite honestly it just feels easier to pay for what I need and get on with life.

OP if you know what DH earns then presumably you work out his take home pay each month (if you don't already know that)?

You know what your take home pay is and you know what each of you spend on joint responsibilities (i.e. mortgage, childcare etc).

So that leaves you knowing what each of you have left to spend each month, including car/phone payments etc.

So what is the ratio of personal money each month? If it's he has double the money you have and you're not willing to discuss it with him, can you not ensure he pays for family days out/date nights, birthday presents etc so you can even things up without broaching the subject?

As PP have said discussing finances shouldn't be a taboo subject.

@gannett i guess it’s because I just don’t like bad feeling or rows so I go down the path of avoidance.

When I look at joint expenses it’s around £3300, including childcare, mortgage, insurance, bills and so on. I’m currently paying around £1000 for childcare. So I don’t think I’m not contributing or that it’s unfair but he does make me feel as though it is.

I know it all @banoffeelover but in this instance knowledge is not power.

I do feel fed up with it but it’s otherwise a strong marriage.

DP and I have the best of both worlds. We have a joint account for all shared expenses and then our personal accounts for our own stuff.

I think it’s worth having a proper look at what constitutes family costs and agree a fair contribution each according to your income. From there out it’s nobody’s business what you spend the rest of your money on.

Does DH do any of the household purchasing? Mine came food shopping with me for the first time in ages and was really shocked at how much everything costs. I think it gave him a little more appreciation about how far I stretch our pennies!

I wouldn't be happy with this and it sounds like you both feel you've got the worse deal, since you said you'd be £500 down. I honestly think you'd be better off with a joint account and have all family bills come out of that. Keep your own accounts for personal spends. In that way it is 100% what the family outgoings are. You would have to discuss how much to each contribute but after that it's very simple.

Or keep track of all outgoings and settle up every month - more work, but I suppose it would force you to talk about finances regularly.

There's not an alternative though. You can't put the kids back in the womb. Either you work and earn a salary which requires childcare (out of the household money, before anyone says it should be a joint expense - it comes out of someone's salary regardless). Or, you don't work and he pays everything anyway. Has he actually clocked this?

I struggle to believe its a strong marriage if you can't have a conversation about something. But only you know the dynamics. Can you cope when you go £500 down? If not you need to speak to him. Or drop hours and do the childcare.

The problem here isn't the money - different people arrange things in different ways, and if everyone is happy it doesn't matter what your precise arrangements are - the problem is your husband's antagonism.

Doesn't matter what that is about. It needs dealing with.

No, OP, I don't think it's tenable long term.

You need to come to some sort of accommodation around your family finances. It might mean a compromise or a lot of discussion about what you want, but I don't think avoiding it will make the real issues go away. They might well get worse.

If I were you, I would ask him directly why he begrudges having to support his family. His answer will be very telling.

That probably does nail it. Just difficult and to a certain extent impossible actually doing It.

Well, they are his children so why does he resent the childcare expense? Unfair.

Did he not want to have another child? If he did, he needs to suck it up. I would guess some kind of counselling is the best way to go here - somewhere you can explore this stuff with help from a disinterested party.

I would consider relationship counselling with this as the key issue for exploration.

Attitudes towards money are formed relatively early in life and then continue to be shaped as we age. There may well be underlying issues that affect how your husband views money management.

I am always very uneasy when I read about men who begrudge their partner's spending and seek to either control it or make their feelings known through passive-aggressive comments. Women are almost always disadvantaged when children come along and conflict over money is an unwelcome additional stress.

I don’t think he does resent their childcare expenses, he resents the fact that he’s in debt and blames me for it. I think unfairly but I guess I would say that.

Inheritance can be a huge sum. What would he do in the imagined/likely scenario he "keeps it for himself" - buy himself a holiday home and not allow you to use it? Buy lots and lots of top-of-the-range golf clubs? Or maybe a fast car you have no say in choosing and cannot drive? Or just squirrel it away to pass on to the children in his will?

I've asked before - does he treat himself a lot? Excessively? You did say he was left with less after spending on "personal items".

Basically, people are trying to help but not all comments are welcome. Nonetheless, you would like to work out how you feel about all this. I can only say how I'd feel. I'd feel all wrong if I didn't have completely joint finances with my husband. If I did have your setup though, and wanted to work out how I felt about my husband feeling hard done by, I would look at the nature of those "personal items" my husband was buying, and decide based on that.

Simples.

Then he can go fuck himself. Honestly. Don't lower yourself by staying with a man who has such contempt for you.

Probably fast cars, keep for a rainy day. Maybe treat us to a holiday but would clearly be a gift and not a joint discussion. Sad really 😐

If you have a strong marriage then it will easily survive difficult conversations.

You're clearly not happy with how things are and those feelings will likely grow over time. DH is clearly not happy as well. I understand life is taxing, especially with DC, and it often drains what little energy we have to engage in the difficult discussions.

However, you are a team so should tackle your worries together. You don't have to go in all guns blazing. Just be honest and tell him you have concerns and what does he think on how you can cut back?

Was he fully on board with having the children?

(i realize that if he wasn't, it was his responsibility to prevent it...and he didn't. Not excusing him, just wondering.)

All comments are welcome bar you’re so weird / I can’t possibly understand comments. I’ve explained why.

Both children planned and wanted.

Why is he in debt? What is he spending it on? Sorry if I have missed it.

Cars, mostly. But then complains he can’t make ends meet and I couldn’t when I wasn’t working so that’s why it is All My Fault.

Op, one thing that I think can sometimes be helpful in situations like this in marriage is to think about how your own parents/family, and your spouse's, operated financially.

I think we pick up a lot of expectations from our own family around these things without realizing it. And then we have assumptions about how things do or ought to work. And sometimes our assumptions are much different than those of our partner, but that's not clear -it's like talking past each other.

How does he think things would look in an ideal situation? How do you?

FWIW< I think marriages need to be all in in terms of money - it's family money. That does not mean separate accounts are not fine - those details are practical, it's about attitude. You sink or swim as a family. So maybe you need to have a conversation in terms of your goals, more than how you got to where you are now? What do you both want for the family economic situation, and how do you get there from where you are?