To be worried that statistically my children have no chance…

[Statsworry1]

I know I’m being somewhat irrational here, but I can’t shake the feeling lately that my children are statistically not in good place.

By this, I mean, they come from a family that is now broken as me and their father have separated. Both of us work full-time, so I suppose I feel like the lack of a sahp isn’t for them. Although I will add that I stayed home when they were younger until my youngest was about 3.

I know there are many good points to our life, my job isn’t mega stressful and I get to work from home a couple of days a week so I collect them straight after school on those days, the other days they go to Afterschool. The flexibility of our jobs also allows us both to be able to drop them to school so no need for a child mother before school. I am truly grateful for that.

But as I said, I feel like due to the circumstances that they will have a host of emotional problems, problems at school (although nothing has become a problem yet)
I do feel like they have a good life and lots of ways, they go on holidays, they do extracurricular activities and they have good relationships with people around them so far.

Someone, please tell me I’m being ridiculous and that they should turn out to be ok!?

Well, if having separated parents is the only thing holding them back they'll be in the company of millions of others 🤷‍♀️

No chance of what?

Are you worried your children are going to have emotional problems and issues at school because you’ve split from their Dad?

I can confirm you're being ridiculous.

If you and their dad can maintain a healthy co-parent relationship and are both effective parents who look after their physical and emotional needs, they'll be just fine.

Yes…I suppose. I just want them to live be happy and I get freaked out that they won’t.

With kindness YABU. My family produces divorces and yet also medical doctors, PhDs, extremely successful business owners. You are actually being pretty insulting. My family wasn’t “broken”- my parents sensibly split up.

@crackofdoom yeah that’s true, lots of separated parents, they’re not the only ones.

Sounds fine and quite normal. Lots of people with separated parents turn out just fine. Kids can also have emotional problems regardless of family situation.

@Aussieland I didn’t mean to be insulting at all I’m sorry, I used the term broken loosely (I shouldn’t have) but that’s what I’ve been reading. I agree we needed to split, for my mental health anyway.

Because you care (you've written this) there is a very good chance they will turn out just fine. It can never be guaranteed, but they have a very good chance, sounds like you're doing well for them.

Kids have to be just a bit messed up.

Imagine trying to deal with the real world if everything had always been ideal.

Your kids will be fine, lack of adversity doesn't breed reslilence. It's about the support you give them to manage adversity.

You’re massively overthinking. You can’t promise them a life of sunshine and roses but you can prepare them for life which is what living through upheavals and stress is part of.

I came across the attached image the other day and it makes a lot of sense to me. Don’t concentrate so much on the negative and focus on what emerges the other side.

My father was an abusive alcoholic, we lived in absolute poverty. Parents split up when I was 11. I was sent to live with grandparents. I never spoke to my father after the separation.
I only went on holidays once when I was 2 years old. My first foreign holiday was at the age of 22.
I have two degrees, a good job, stable relationship and I am absolutely fine emotionally and love my life.
You need to get a grip, I feel.

@WasThatACorner ive never looked at it that way…thank you

A massive massive percentage of people have childhoods like that. Most of them are fine- and being a SAHP/with your partner doesn’t guarantee anything anyway.

Yes, you're being ridiculous.

The nonsense based negativity is possibly the biggest of their problems.

They say like 45-50% of marriages end in divorce, baring in mind a lot of that percentage will have children. I think you’re over thinking this. My 2 best friends are a doctor and teacher, both from parents that split. They are healthy happy and went to uni? I think you need to take a deep breathe

I split with my kids' dad when the eldest was ten and the youngest (of five) three.

They are all adult now. Three own their own homes, one is about to buy and one lives in accommodation that comes with his job. They all earn very well (better than me!), four have excellent degrees, two with further professional qualifications. They have busy, full lives, four have partners and one is happily single after a long term relationship break up.

I brought them up with not a penny to scratch myself with. We were so poor I couldn't heat the house. So don't worry, OP. They will be whatever they make of themselves, childhood is a very very small part of their lives.

I know some adults that are a lot more damaged with having parents stay together when they shouldn't have.

I have an ex who openly said to me that his parents despise each other. They sleep separately, do nothing together and only staying together because apparently neither of them could be arsed leaving.

My ex plus his 2 siblings have all struggled majorly with relationship issues. My ex refuses to commit to anybody, his sister has had a huge amount of failed relationships and his brother refuses to marry his girlfriend despite her wanting to marry.

You're welcome.

Like a pp said, the fact that you're even worrying about this suggests you will already be helping them to navigate this in lots of little ways that you probably haven't even considered.

I think if you and their dad are on good terms and they see this regularly then I don't think you have much to worry about . Staying together and needing miserable I think would do more damage .

At school in the 90s I was the only child whose parents were still together. Everyone seems to have done well!

I am separated from my kids dad, they have said life is so much better without him here, the kids and I have grown closer we are a great wee team.

Yes you are being extremely unreasonable. Your children have every chance of a successful life. But they also need a positive parent that encourages them to aim high and be who they want to be.

There’s so many relationships which are completely toxic and the parents should separate but don’t - those kids are going to be by far more damaged

You are being ridiculous. They will probably turn out OK, and if not, it’s unlikely to be anything you’ve done.