To be worried that statistically my children have no chance…

[Statsworry1]

I know I’m being somewhat irrational here, but I can’t shake the feeling lately that my children are statistically not in good place.

By this, I mean, they come from a family that is now broken as me and their father have separated. Both of us work full-time, so I suppose I feel like the lack of a sahp isn’t for them. Although I will add that I stayed home when they were younger until my youngest was about 3.

I know there are many good points to our life, my job isn’t mega stressful and I get to work from home a couple of days a week so I collect them straight after school on those days, the other days they go to Afterschool. The flexibility of our jobs also allows us both to be able to drop them to school so no need for a child mother before school. I am truly grateful for that.

But as I said, I feel like due to the circumstances that they will have a host of emotional problems, problems at school (although nothing has become a problem yet)
I do feel like they have a good life and lots of ways, they go on holidays, they do extracurricular activities and they have good relationships with people around them so far.

Someone, please tell me I’m being ridiculous and that they should turn out to be ok!?

You say you’re not ‘trying to be goady’ so in that sense are you literally suggesting that ALL children who have separated parents amount to nothing? Because that’s clearly a bit stupid and also quite rude

Statistically children with an absent dad are disadvantaged massively. If your children maintain a good relationship with their dad they should be fine.

Money is not a measure how happy and safe someone has been raised. The fact you involved it only shows you are really broken down inside

Your post is very sensible and yes, kids of divorced parents are emotionally very wounded but time heals. Be for them as much you can

Your post is very sensible and yes, kids of divorced parents are emotionally very wounded but time heals. Be for them as much you can

can you link to the evidence that children in a well managed separation without conflict are emotionally wounded please @somereallyniceadvice

No they aren't! I'm not.

My DS's dad isn't involved and DS is an extremely high achiever on track to do a medical degree.

Statistics are great for predicting what will happen more often in one group compared to another group.

For predictions about individuals, not so much.

Also, you and your children are members of many groups, and in a lot of ways they will be in the better half of the split. For example, lots of children live in abusive homes, or with parents who are constantly fighting. So it doesn't make a lot of sense to only focus on the most obvious split in your case (single parent versus two parents). That is just one of thousands of factors that affect a child's life. Indeed, that's what makes this research hard to do, and also what makes it hard to predict the effect of any one factor.

So don't worry too much. You can't change anything about this situation, but you can choose how you go forward with it.

My Nan said something once when I was a child and it always stuck with me:

She said she was surprised that all three children grew up to be ‘successful’ (good professional jobs/qualifications/owned houses etc). She worked part-time in admin and Grandad was a labourer. She presumed her boys would do similar.

Then she said, you’d be surprised what kids can achieve by being sent to school every day, making them do their homework and making sure they’ve got three good meals in them. Back then you thought that was the bare basics but actually too many parents don’t bother with that.

'Lies, damnded lies and statistics.'

So many statistics are a result of possible consequences of something, rather than the thing itself.

Absent father? That's not the problem. The problem would be the potential financial and emotional struggles of the single mum left. So if she was rich and very happy that he'd gone, there's no problem.

Divorce? That's not the problem. The problem would be the potential financial, possibly emotional struggles, and bad coparenting conflict. If none of these things exist, divorce isn't a problem.

Statistically, 49% of the population are below average for everything ...
Your children aren't statistics!

That's it? No they won't be disadvantaged. What will affect them is your attitude. If you're convinced they are going to have a hard time they may see every slight or hiccup as fine to your separation. Which is ridiculous. As long as both parents remain supportive of their kids it should be fine.
Socioeconomics, race, educational attainment (and parental educational attainment) and environment and absence of parent(s) has far greater impact.

So one or other of you will drop and collect them from school? Have you heard of latchkey kids? My generation took ourselves to and from school, by ourselves and returned home, again by ourselves and let ourselves in as both parents worked.

I'm not sure exactly what your post is about, but your attitude of self pity and negativity will harm your kids. You need to be a positive role model. Show them that no matter what happens, if they persevere, things will be ok and they will thrive.

I didn’t want to say this, but if the op is unwell, and that’s what’s leading to these irrational and intrusive thoughts,this is the biggest risk to her kids and she needs to seek help.

Don’t be ridiculous now. If the parents ensure the kids know they are loved and provide happy homes there is mo issue. You sound like a relic from the 50s.

Well the people who brought about my birth weren’t divorced and produced a drug addict, a child with an eating disorder and one who is so completely emotionally stunted they have never had a friend.

Yes, divorce is an ACE, but so would be living with parents who dislike each other etc. By divorcing you’re also showing your children that leaving a relationship that doesn’t work is both okay and an option.

@Statsworry1 It was all about mindset for me. The fact that I thought it was going to cause my children to be from a "broken home" was a hindrance to my walking away earlier, but the more I came to think about the level of shouting, upheaval and discord I saw our unhappy existence caused my children were what made me decide to rethink the "broken home" perspective. Is it not better to see the kids happy in a single parent family, rather than putting up a facade?

Please get support in whatever way suits you.

I joined a single parents' group and others sharing their stories made a world of difference for me and my kids.

@Simonjt - completely agree with you on showing the kids that leaving an unworkable relationship is okay👏

Agree! My parents are still together and have a VERY toxic relationship - I think that’s much worse for children then divorced parents?

Come on OP and give yourself a reality check, for your own sake.

Your children are very very unlikely to starve or be eaten.

Starting from that basic advantage, which millions of children in the world do not, your children are winning the game of life.

You need to reassess for your MH.

You’re over thinking it. I’ve been at home for 18 years. My husband works. I’ve done all the school runs, been to every parents meeting, volunteered at their school, never missed an assembly or play, chaperoned on all the school trips. They’ve had hundreds of days out, nearly every weekend away for about 10 years in the caravan. Honestly they absolutely do not appreciate it. My daughter told me the other day that she thinks I had more time for her brothers than her and that’s why she struggled so much at school and my son mentioned a couple of times if I said I bought you something he’s come back with well dad bought it 🙄

My family isn't broken, thanks.

She wasn’t describing your family, but hers.

@andthat she was using a term that is commonly used to describe a lot of families.

People in single parent families are allowed to take issue with the terminology used to describe them; directly or indirectly.

I can remember feeling like this too when my partner buggered off with someone else when my youngest was 3. I was really worried above all else that they would be screwed up. I agree with the pp that on some level the adversity has been good for them in a way as they have the strength and confidence to deal with things when they don't go their way. They have both done really well academically and are both lovely well adjusted young men now. However, I would say that I sacrificed a lot to get them there and really focused on always putting them first so they knew they had unconditional love from one source - me.

You're being absolutely fucking ridiculous. You live a privileged life that children from deprived, abusive backgrounds - those that actually have had early years trauma and/adverse childhood experiences - could probably only dream of.