To be worried that statistically my children have no chance…

[Statsworry1]

I know I’m being somewhat irrational here, but I can’t shake the feeling lately that my children are statistically not in good place.

By this, I mean, they come from a family that is now broken as me and their father have separated. Both of us work full-time, so I suppose I feel like the lack of a sahp isn’t for them. Although I will add that I stayed home when they were younger until my youngest was about 3.

I know there are many good points to our life, my job isn’t mega stressful and I get to work from home a couple of days a week so I collect them straight after school on those days, the other days they go to Afterschool. The flexibility of our jobs also allows us both to be able to drop them to school so no need for a child mother before school. I am truly grateful for that.

But as I said, I feel like due to the circumstances that they will have a host of emotional problems, problems at school (although nothing has become a problem yet)
I do feel like they have a good life and lots of ways, they go on holidays, they do extracurricular activities and they have good relationships with people around them so far.

Someone, please tell me I’m being ridiculous and that they should turn out to be ok!?

I worried like you when I split from exh about ds but he is fine, he left school with 8 good GCSE's & starts university later in the month. He never showed any problems from the split, he was 6 when we separated.

I would say the most important thing is that kids are given the confidence and inspiration to do well. It doesn't matter about their background, it's how you as a parent deals with it in front of them. If they are sensing you are worried about their future then they will be worried too. I was a young carer for an ill parent who then died when I was a teen, but I was pushed by other family members to study and do well. I got a really good education and have a nice home with two lovely DC. However, whilst I pushed to study, the confidence part of me lacked and still does today. Reason is I was just told what I had to do, ie. study, but no one sat me down when I was young to talk over what I'd been through and emotionally help me deal with that. It's important to always be there for them and let them talk about their feelings about the break up to help understand if they are struggling at all emotionally.

Well, I was married had a daughter and then a son 5 years later . I divorced their dad as he was creepy and abused me . My son had no contact and my daughter had her first five years with him . He messed her around in more ways than one . He made her scared of the dark and he couldn't be trusted. They had no contact when we split up due to court ruling against him seeing them .
My daughter has never roamed the streets , never smoked , drank or taken drugs neithers my son. My daughter managers a nursery and pre school and my son is a science lab technician and they both have degrees. My daughter is married with a house and two children. They have a good fulfilling life. I have achieved my goal too so it's how they are brought up whether that's with one or two parents. I know other parents whose kids went off the rails and they were together. Stop worrying and enjoy them .

Just be glad that they still have one or both of their parents looking after them. Think of all the children out there who live in foster care or family members because their parents can’t look after them for one reason or another and the potential damage that will cause them

I think statistically, not having a SAHP is the norm? I was born in the early 90s and very few of my classmates had a SAHP back then. It will be even less now.

As for having separated parents, a good chunk of my classmates had them, and that will be even higher now too.

Statistically you've actually already set them very well by staying home for their first 3 years of life.

Childhood trauma can also be caused by parents who argue and don’t get along who continue to stay together. Don’t be too harsh on yourself. My DH’s parents split when he was 5 and he has trauma now as an adult and currently undergoing counselling for it. Thing is, he wasn’t supported throughout this process. His mum was always crying and he never knew why and his dad left without a word. His whole world turned upside down in one day and he and his brother were expected to get on with it with zero support and everything kept hushed up. He turned to attention seeking and being a wild child to compensate, my BIL is an emotional mess and can’t handle change or life in general. I went to school with kids whose parents divorced and they have done perfectly well for themselves.

Yes it can leave trauma, as can a lot of things, but millions of kids are in this position. It’s how you choose to move forward. Be as transparent as you can with your kids, be supportive and make sure theirs and your support network is tight. Tackle the issues and be honest. It’s all about being open and supportive. Kids are very resilient, be supportive and encouraging. Your kids will be fine.

Over the years that I taught primary aged children, I came across many whose parents had split up. The most successful child in these circumstances was a girl whose parents were just not compatible, but who respected each other and who shared custody. She spent alternative weeks with each, both came to parents evenings, sometimes together and sometimes separately. She was mature, sensible and articulate.

However, in cases where the split was acrimonious, some children were very damaged by the situation and struggled emotionally and academically.

The other thing of note was that boys, who felt abandoned by their fathers, tended to display difficult behaviours, even when there was a good stepfather trying to support them.

These are just my personal observations over a teaching career spanning 29 years.

You ARE being ridiculous OP ❤️. If they have security, boundaries and lots of love they have everything going for them. But the 3 are necessary. Don't sweat it OP, your children will be fine.

You are over thinking this. They have great parents, many of us didn't and have turned out just fine. Relax.

I accidentally voted the wrong way - If you love them and prioritise their well being which it seems like you do from the tone of your post and your concern - as gooder chance as anyone else and a better chance than from an unhappy home.

Statistics say that if I eat a whole chicken and you eat none, we've eaten half a chicken each, so...
Your children are not numbers and their lives are so much more than what happens to them 💐

I grew up in poverty, never knew my dad, mother was in an emotionally abusive relationship and died when I was a teenager.

I’m a professional with a job paying significantly above average, have a very healthy marriage and own my home.

I’m not a mega high flier by any stretch but I dare say my life isn’t generally what my background would have predicted.

They are. But this thread isn’t about them. It’s about her and she can describe her family anyway she likes.

It’s not having divorced parents per se that limits childrens chances it’s having parents who don’t get on and bring acrimony into their lives or who have very relatively little interest and investment in their lives. That doesn’t sound like you guys. In fact the deep level of concern you show demonstrates a very high level of emotional investment. This is what makes them grow up to feel valued, loved, wanted and cared about. So it actually all bodes extremely well to be honest.

She can but we can also say it's a stupid expression, which it is.

Sadly it seems like you need to change your mindset if you want to be there for your kids. With this mentality you might end up treating them like they have no chance - self fulfilling prophecy and all that.

With kindness YABU.

I split from my son's dad when he was 8. He was better off out of that environment and so were we (parents). His dad and I formed a great friendship based on the fact we Co-Parent a great kid and when I got re-married my ex actually walked me down the aisle to my now husband. Fast forward 8 years later and I have a 6 year old daughter who has a very hands on "uncle" who she's thick as thieves with! We know we are lucky to have such a lovely "blended family" but it CAN work and no, the children don't have to suffer. Their lives can actually end up enhanced.

Not irrational- understandable worries. You are doing the best for your children and that’s enough! Don’t beat yourself up. X

I just needed to read this today. Thank you 😊

No separation in the family but we have had other negative stuff happen so it just goes to show no one is immune from shit happening regardless of family circumstances.

Does their other parents have them sometimes?
If so, do all the boring admin household stuff when they're not with you and also some self care etc then too. Then when you do have them, you can focus all in on your kids and they will benefit from a present less stressed parent. If you both do this they will get better versions of both of you than if you'd stayed married.
Statistics don't matter to the individual

Yes we are 50:50. Thank you.

thank you everyone for your kind words.

@Statsworry1 my mother in law says she used to worry like this. Her and her husband split when DH at the time was just 4. (His their only child) his mum worked in the city and dad worked full time very busy job and lived over an hour away so he'd only see him on the weekend. They managed to coparent well. He would rarely see mum and they had a live in child minder. Nan and grandad would take/collect from school and childminder would do his homework/dinner/evenings out/bath/ bed time story ect never mum. She'd leave for work at 5.30am and arrive home at 8pm 5 days a week so they really didn't see much of eachother. DH turned out just fine regardless of absent mother. She worked so hard for her son and he's now mortgage free at 25 ect. He's so greatful and can be at home for his child a lot as works less hours due to no mortgage but I have no doubt our child will turn out much different to him regardless that we are still together and very much available 24/7.
So no I don't agree that they'll 'develop problems' from a 'broken' house hold. I'm from a split household too and I consider myself fine. I took peace knowing they were much better parents to me by doing it apart.

Youre taking this to silly extremes. Having separated parents isn’t a fast road to delinquency, just as parents staying together doesn’t guarantee happiness, success or stability.

It’s better for two people who are unsuited to each other to separate and parent amicably than it is to soldier on in misery in the name of “keeping the family together”. There are millions of people in the UK with separated parents and hundreds if thousands of them have gone on to have extremely successful lives.

I separated from my husband when my DD was four. I have provided everything for her financially and at nearly 14 she is now happy, well balanced and doing well at school.

I understand the anxiety that this can create but you shouldn’t talk about “broken” families and certainly not to your children. It’s a highly distorted and mildly insulting way to characterise a very common and normal way for families to exist. Have a bit more confidence in yourself and positivity in the future.

I agree with this. Would people stop using the outdated term of 'broken home'. 😡