To be worried that statistically my children have no chance…

[Statsworry1]

I know I’m being somewhat irrational here, but I can’t shake the feeling lately that my children are statistically not in good place.

By this, I mean, they come from a family that is now broken as me and their father have separated. Both of us work full-time, so I suppose I feel like the lack of a sahp isn’t for them. Although I will add that I stayed home when they were younger until my youngest was about 3.

I know there are many good points to our life, my job isn’t mega stressful and I get to work from home a couple of days a week so I collect them straight after school on those days, the other days they go to Afterschool. The flexibility of our jobs also allows us both to be able to drop them to school so no need for a child mother before school. I am truly grateful for that.

But as I said, I feel like due to the circumstances that they will have a host of emotional problems, problems at school (although nothing has become a problem yet)
I do feel like they have a good life and lots of ways, they go on holidays, they do extracurricular activities and they have good relationships with people around them so far.

Someone, please tell me I’m being ridiculous and that they should turn out to be ok!?

I had issues at school with behaviour because my parents wouldn't split. The constant arguing and issues really affected me, it is much better to have a peaceful home life in 1 or 2 homes, then none.

I really wouldn't worry, as long as you provide a good nurturing home your children will be happy and do well.

Thank you everyone, I know nothing is a given. I suppose it’s my guilt creeping in that makes me feel this.

My parents split when I was 4 and my mum moved to another country over it.
I have a good life, I've never been on the wrong side of the law and I've never even been in any sort of major conflict.
Me and my brother turned out amazing with our dad raising us and not once do I ever wish it was different. He done the best he could and it still has not gone unnoticed. I'll still tell everyone what an amazing man he is.
Not every family is perfect, it's just making the best out of a bad situation.

You're being very ridiculous yes. Probably about 50% of kids nowadays have separated parents. SAHPs are not common either once they're at school.

My parents broke up when I was 4. My dad was an alcoholic with an awful temper. He remarried and had another child who became 'the golden child'. My mum had a series of boyfriends she introduced us to and then settled on another alcoholic with a temper. My parents hated each other and let us know about it. I spent my teenage years rebelling, drinking, messing around with boys etc but pulled myself together at 16 and got great exam results and have had a happy, successful (by most metrics) life. My parents breaking up wouldn't have impacted me so much if they hadn't both dealt with it the way they did, so focus on how you support your kids through this and put your own needs to one side, at least for a while

That's a bit over the top OP.
I grew up in a split up family, very absent Dad, complicated divorce, single mum working a LOT so rarely home, moved cities several times, etc etc etc...

...and I'm very happy to report that my 2 sisters and I are totally fine, we have good jobs, making good money, good relationships with each others and the rest of the family, good partners, good kids for the one who has them, good health, even our dogs are really really good dogs.
So...yes, YABU

Really, you sound like a great parent. Don't let your pessimism become low expectations for your children. I knew people who grew up in worse circumstances. One of them is now a surgeon.

I think the most messed up person I know had happily married parents including one full time sahp who did everythung for him. I think honestly he would have struggled whatever his situation but having someone constantly there to fuss over him and do stuff for him means he's never learned to be independent and struggles with basic tasks.

I guess my point is that I don't think married Vs divorced or working Vs sahp matters that much so long as you provide stability and teach them how to manage life. You obviously care or you wouldn't be writing this so just keep doing the best you can. We all get attacks of the guilt sometimes but life isnt always what we perceive as perfect.

Better having separated parents, than having an awful childhood with your parents arguing, feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, not knowing if you’ll be having a nice weekend or a stressful one.

Kindly / please get a grip.

Im from a “broken home”, experienced alcoholism from a stepparent, witness to DV, family been homeless before age of 16, free school meals, etc. I got a job at 16 and went to a top 10 university, now in a management role. Yes I have my issues but don’t we all 😂

The thing that meant I was able to deal with it all was a great mum who was really strong and loved me.

Honestly, you’re catastrophising. I’m divorced from DD’s Dad. I do find it hard that financially she has less opportunities than I did. I can’t afford abroad holidays at the moment for example. I can’t afford as many extra curricular activities as some..but she’s in a happier home environment and that’s worth far more than all the extras. It took time for her to adjust but 2 1/2 years later she’s a much happier child and honestly, less ‘spoilt’!

Your anxiety is much more likely to affect your kids than any circumstances you mention. Get a handle on it for yours and theirs sake!

You sound like a good mum because you care about this. I think that kids who feel loved and secure in the home grow up to be just fine. Well done for making the decision to leave a marriage that you weren’t happy in. That will have done far more for your children’s wellbeing and future than being brought up in an unhappy household.

I understand this, but the thing is we didn’t argue. I just fell out of love. We never argue about anything in fact because I really didn’t care and I realise that I was very disconnected.

Sorry but you're being ridiculous. Where have you got the idea that having working parents and parents who are not together, damages kids? Never heard that. More important is loving them unconditionally, and engaging with them when you are together, discussing any worries, supporting them.

Both of us work full-time, so I suppose I feel like the lack of a sahp isn’t for them.

I'm not sure what you're getting at here? So children who come from families where both parents work full time where there is no sahp are somehow disadvantaged?

I am assuming that you and your children live in the UK.

They have a roof over their heads, food, access to education and healthcare. They are living in a country which is not at war and is not overwhelmed by the impact of climate change. There is a functioning legal system and relatively low levels of corruption.

Statistically their chances are way better than those of most people on this planet!

Add a loving mother who cares to the mix, a father with whom they are in contact and sufficient household income and there is nothing to hold them back!

You are actually being really insulting. Initially with the awful broken home comment, (divorced homes aren't broken, far from it), which you did apologise for, and then went on again to say you feel guilty for it. So pointless apology as you didn't mean it. Get a grip, your negativity is the biggest problem your children have.

@Statsworry1 in the kindest way you are being utterly ridiculous!

My dsc cone from a separated household, one is on course for a first on math from Manchester and the other is about to embark on am astrophysics degree.

Their dad and i split when our dd was 4, she is now 11. She has had some horrific things to deal with ove the years, none of which have anything to do with coming from a separated household.

In my opinion kids are far better off with separated parents who are happy than living in a household where the adults are miserably and snipey. That environment does far more damage.

You are teaching your kids lessons that are so far beyond valuable. They will know that it is OK to walk away from a relationship that is not healthy. They will know that you have to work hard for the extra nice things in life, that you have to make sacrifices in order to achieve the life you want.

That is not a bad thing!

To be honest…another thread posted yesterday about a sahm who felt judged for being a sahm when her child is at school fuelled my anxiety a bit, as other people were saying how we stay at home parents is beneficial working with can’t do it all…etc etc
it just got me down 😔

Any anxiety on your side and how you express that will have more impact than the home situation you describe
They have two parents albeit separated
Nice homes
Enough £ for holidays
Parents around for quality time weekends evenings
What's the problem?

Separated parents is not a broken home
Is your home not relaxed and calm now no rows?
They can have two lovely homes
See gp over your anxiety if needed
If you exude positivity so too will your dc be happy to enjoy life and learn

@arethereanyleftatall by saying I felt guilty I mean I feel guilty for leaving the marriage yes.
I’m not negative around my children. These are just my inner most thoughts

It sounds as if everything is going fine. Except your brain worry centre!!

Being from a separated family is not what any of us would have chosen, but it is a reality for millions and in the main they make it work - as you are doing.

It sounds as though there is no aggro, you are co-parenting efficiently, you are available to your children as much if not more than most parents, they have holidays and fun - sounds great to me.

You are being absolutely ridiculous, what's broken about 2 parents who go their separate ways and co-parent brilliantly? I call that a fixed home, not a broken one.

Double whammy for my eldest DC then. Separated from her dad when she was 2 AND we both always worked full time. She's now 18 and a lovely well rounded young lady who is doing A Levels and off to uni next year, so.... I think she did alright 🤷‍♀️