To be worried that statistically my children have no chance…

[Statsworry1]

I know I’m being somewhat irrational here, but I can’t shake the feeling lately that my children are statistically not in good place.

By this, I mean, they come from a family that is now broken as me and their father have separated. Both of us work full-time, so I suppose I feel like the lack of a sahp isn’t for them. Although I will add that I stayed home when they were younger until my youngest was about 3.

I know there are many good points to our life, my job isn’t mega stressful and I get to work from home a couple of days a week so I collect them straight after school on those days, the other days they go to Afterschool. The flexibility of our jobs also allows us both to be able to drop them to school so no need for a child mother before school. I am truly grateful for that.

But as I said, I feel like due to the circumstances that they will have a host of emotional problems, problems at school (although nothing has become a problem yet)
I do feel like they have a good life and lots of ways, they go on holidays, they do extracurricular activities and they have good relationships with people around them so far.

Someone, please tell me I’m being ridiculous and that they should turn out to be ok!?

Hi, I'm a separated parent here and ex-spouse has pulled a drawn out, protracted divorce that has spanned countries. I suggest you seek counselling to help you and your children through this period. It does get better! Wishing you the best!

My parents are together I was in a abusive relationship my brothers addicted to heroin and my sisters a teacher there is no way to know

@arethereanyleftatall OP has already apologised for any offence caused by her choice of phrase.

It's hard enough to process the mess of emotions that swirl around around the time of a relationship breakdown, particularly with children involved without some stranger on the internet policing your language.

This is a massive shift in the future OP will have imagined for her kids.

I'm not sure if you are trying to help OP see this for the positive change that it could be or just want her to shut up about any feeling she is working through?

It's completely understandable to feel worried, especially after going through a big change like separation. However, from everything you've described, you're providing a stable, loving environment for your children, which is so important for their emotional well-being.
One way to help them thrive, both emotionally and academically, is by focusing on supportive teaching methods that promote learning and resilience. If you're interested, I came across a great resource on enhancing learning outcomes that offers insights into effective strategies you can implement at home and school.
You're doing an amazing job, and your kids are lucky to have such a caring parent!

OP, I wonder whether it might help you to read research about the things that help kids to develop healthy emotions and to succeed in life? You’re focusing on this one thing that might harm them - but which you can’t change. That means it causes you anxiety with no possible relief. You can’t un-separate, so the anxiety has nowhere to go. So why not focus on things you can control. Read up about parenting decisions that have been shown to help children develop into confident, happy adults.

The other important thing is this: you are not the only influence on your kids’ development. You and their DF are extremely important, but you can’t control everything. You might do everything “right” and still have a child who develops a MH condition, or who has trauma when something bad happens to them, or who is lazy or who just isn’t a very nice person. You might be an awful parent and end up with a child who is happy and resilient and successful. Don’t take on a burden that isn’t yours. Do the best you can to be a great parent, and you will give the children a foundation to deal with whatever comes their way.

You sound like a marvellous, caring parent. That’s the most important first step to providing your kids with a supportive, nurturing childhood. Don’t let your anxiety about unchangeable circumstances be a barrier; turn it into a commitment to work on the things you can change.

I read somewhere recently probably tiktok that the biggest factor in a kids success and happiness is the happiness of their mum.

I'm going with that one.

This is a very outdated view. The term 'broken home' is absolutely dreadful. Parents divorce all the time....even our future king comes from a home where the parents divorced.

Exactly. It's hardly uncommon.

OP, as long as you co-parent well and are civil with your ex, all should be OK.

I might be mistaken but if you look at many of the studies around the impact of divorce, the two aspects which seem to affect kids the most are conflict and reduction in resources. So if you have a high-conflict divorce and poor co-parenting relationship, that might harm the children. But then in many cases the marital relationship will have been high-conflict prior to divorce in any case and the divorce may in fact reduce conflict. The main circumstance that I can think of where this is not the case is where you have a largely absent father prior to the divorce, with the kids looked after mainly by the mother (so low-conflict due to his absence from the home), who takes the divorce badly and runs around causing trouble for everyone and muscling in on the kids, who he was never particularly interested in before. I do have a friend in this situation and it has been quite difficult for her and the kids as they've been very much used to him being absent from their lives. But it sounds as if this isn't your situation.

Likewise, divorce has negative effects because it can reduce the resources available for the kids, but I wouldn't fixate too much on this. It sounds like you're both able to provide a reasonably stable and well-resourced home for your kids, even if this brings work stresses with it, and your children are getting attention from both parents which not all kids do.

So I think it's simplistic to say "staying together good, divorce bad". It's much more complicated.

And as divorces go, that was a pretty awful one.

You are being ridiculous, loads of us have separated parents and most of us turned out fine.

You are not being entirely unreasonable. It is widely accepted that averse childhood experiences (ACEs) can have long-term impacts on a person's health, well-being, and opportunities. Growing up in a household with instability due to parental separation is considered an ACE.

But it sounds as if you are doing a great job in mitigating any impact as much as you possibly can.

You are not being entirely unreasonable. It is widely accepted that averse childhood experiences (ACEs) can have long-term impacts on a person's health, well-being, and opportunities. Growing up in a household with instability due to parental separation is considered an ACE.

But it sounds as if you are doing a great job in mitigating any impact as much as you possibly can.

Do you maybe suffer from mental health issues, depression, anxiety, ocd related intrusive thoughts, as this is completely illogical op. Your kids have every chance in life. A home, parents who love them. 80 percent of kids have two parents who work. It’s by far the norm and presents a great role model as well as often financial benefits. Many kids are raised by single parents, or two mums or two dads or grandparents. There is no Opitimum.

It’s not unstable.

I was pregnant at 17, minimum wage job but no qualifications at all ( not even GCSE’s dropped out at 15) Had to get married, 2 children 18 months apart. Divorced by 26. So a single mum with two kids.
Let me check on my adult kids — yep, brilliant parents, long term married, both with Uni degrees, both with professional careers.
I also passed exams in my 20s, graduated Uni, have a higher degree too. Never been unemployed since the day their dad and I split.

It’s what you make of the opportunities you are given or find. Sometimes it’s a fight but worth fighting for.

Mother of four here2xDd 2xds. 33;31,22;21. Beyond age 3 none had father present. I always worked full time. We are all very close and supportive of each other. All went to uni all in professional jobs.
I always focused on education, good behaviour and them having a stable life, not much money but plenty of time spent together.
They are great adults with no problems attributable to their childhood. Don’t worry you will do an amazing job.

It might not be the dream that you anticipated, but many children from non divorced parents are still from a “broken home” with all manner of neglect, abuse, bad influence, immoral attitudes etc. The situation you have described is exactly the same as mine. Two parents split up (although before she was even born) both work, she’s picked up twice a week at normal time and the rest is at after school care, I (mum) work from home a fair bit, and I always drop her off to school. She’s a happy and intelligent little girl and has the normal issues that affect her age group- friendships, navigating growing up, going through a stage of hating school. We coparent well and very civilly. Bad blood between exes (or parents who remain together) negative things said and done will have a much greater impact than simply not being together. Please don’t worry, just keep things as nice and pleasant for your child as possible.

I separated from my husband when my kids were 7 and 6. They’re now mid twenties, one is married, both have good jobs and are university educated. IMO, the main issues driving outcome are

1. Financial. If you’re not struggling for money, having separated parents is easier.
2. Expectations. I expected my kids to behave well, eat their food, go to school and be with their friends and enjoy life as much as friends with both parents in the house. If you stress about statistics and expect things to fail, then the risk is higher that they will. Stay engaged in their life and be clear about what you expect of them.
3. Having a good relationship with their dad makes a split home so much easier for them. We did parents evening together, birthdays etc and tried our best to be united parents. We didn’t always manage it, just as people in marriages aren’t perfect all the time but the intent was there. 4)Stability-of course there will be changes for them but once the big things are out of the way, try to keep your household calm and stable.

Im not an expert obviously but these things worked for me. I know other divorced parents whose kids turned out ok too.

There a million and one ways to screw up a kid. You stay with a man you don't love- you mess up there perception of love. You don't stay- you mess up their perception of family. You give them too many rules- they rebel. You don't give them enough rules- they turn into delinquents. You give them an ipad- they don't learn self regulation. You don't give them an ipad- they feel ostracised from their ipad peers.
You have to make the decisions for your child that you think are best with all the available information and make peace with the fact it might not always be the right decision in hindsight. If you love them, stive to be the best parent for them, and admit when you're wrong i'm sure they'll turn out just fine

When I started secondary school in the mid 80s, there was one girl in our whole year that had divorced parents. We were intrigued by this.

Imagine that now? You’d be likely in the minority if you came from a family where the parents are still together.

Yes, the ideal is to raise children in a happy family with both parents. (My son’s dissertation this year was on this area so he’s read lots of research papers on it.) But the reality is many, many marriages fail and kids grow up just fine if both parents continue to parent well.

Isn't it 50 something % of children with separated parents nowadays? And as far as I know the biggest factors in whether that causes difficulties are aggression between the parents and whether they still have a relationship with both parents (rather than that one swans off and starts a new family and never sees them again). If you've had a normal, mostly amicable split and the children see both parents I really don't think it will screw them up for life.

The biggest predictor of poor outcomes is childhood poverty and it sounds as though your children are growing up in reasonably affluent circumstances.

Saying it’s ‘with kindness’ doesn’t make your accusation that the OP is being insulting any less offensive!

What are your goals for your children.?
Take time and write your goals and fears. And make plans to minimize risks and support them.

The fact that you care enough to start a thread on it means statistically they will have a better chance than many children do.