To be worried that statistically my children have no chance…

[Statsworry1]

I know I’m being somewhat irrational here, but I can’t shake the feeling lately that my children are statistically not in good place.

By this, I mean, they come from a family that is now broken as me and their father have separated. Both of us work full-time, so I suppose I feel like the lack of a sahp isn’t for them. Although I will add that I stayed home when they were younger until my youngest was about 3.

I know there are many good points to our life, my job isn’t mega stressful and I get to work from home a couple of days a week so I collect them straight after school on those days, the other days they go to Afterschool. The flexibility of our jobs also allows us both to be able to drop them to school so no need for a child mother before school. I am truly grateful for that.

But as I said, I feel like due to the circumstances that they will have a host of emotional problems, problems at school (although nothing has become a problem yet)
I do feel like they have a good life and lots of ways, they go on holidays, they do extracurricular activities and they have good relationships with people around them so far.

Someone, please tell me I’m being ridiculous and that they should turn out to be ok!?

If your children have no chance, I dread to think where DS will end up - he's never even met his dad, has been in wraparound care since I finished maternity, and I never even considered being a SAHM! 😂

So far we seem to be doing okay. Emotionally stable, doing well in school, secure, he says he knows he's loved and loves other people. I'll be sure to update this thread when, as statistically proven, it all goes up in flames 😏

Whoever said it breeds resilience is right. It's not the greatest adversity these days. 2 loving parents together is ideal but who really actually has that? And again,we have the adversity breeding success factor that is important.

Try count yourself incredibly lucky! You don't have to venture far to find situations a million times worse than this and you'll realise they're actually going to be ok.

It’s the fact that child in separated households are more likely to live in poverty with single mothers who can’t work as much as they’d like that makes children of separated families statistically less likely to succeed. The poverty is the impact on the life chances, not the parents being separated. Doesnt sound like you’re living in poverty, the stats don’t really apply to your kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

You are not doing anything different to millions of other people, it seems rarer to have parents together these days

Keep working on your MH - your mood will have the most impact on their emotional well-being. Do what you can to nourish yourself first so that you have capacity and resilence to be attuned to their needs and able to repond proportionately. Deal with the here and now. Be present - not looking back breeding depressed thoughts or forward fostering anxiety - find the joyous moments and priortise mainatining a calm and peaceful home.

I wish there could be an outright ban on the expression "broken home". I don't think your home is broken, OP!

And the very vast majority of families do not have a SAHP.

@Statsworry1 you are being absolutely batshit ridiculous hen.

Firstly parents separated and happier than together miserable is always preferable for the child.

Secondly the fact you've put so much thought and got anxiety about your dcs future means you're doing alot more than many parents of kids who went on to flourish do.

Thirdly, you have to stop picking on yourself here, the best thing any parent can give their children is confidence and self respect and they get that from how we model ourselves.
My own mam passed a lot of awful things on to me that have held me back because of her insecurity and I'm now trying to reverse that so my dc aren't also burdened with it.
You know this obviously but sometimes we need to be told that if we are picking flaws in things such as our parenting or circumstances that we can't change, then it helps being told to stop and appreciate the wonderful things you are doing. And you're doing many from reading your OP. Let your kids see a confident and assured parent because you sound like you've every right to be one.

Statistically children who's parents love them, support them, provide for them emotionally etc become happier people than those who's parents couldn't have given a fuck. I haven't checked it officially but can't imagine I'm wrong about that 😂
Your kiddos have a great mum. Go make a cup of tea, focus on the wonderful experiences your kids get because you're their mother and come back and tell us we're correct and you're worrying over nowt. 😊 💐

Ok so maybe you’re struggling with the guilt of that. And projecting it as worry about your kids future. But you did nothing wrong. Just focus on being there for your kids, showing them love and how to respect others.

https://mft.nhs.uk/rmch/services/camhs/young-people/adverse-childhood-experiences-aces-and-attachment/ This list includes "Losing a parent through divorce, death or abandonment" as an example of an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE)

But, I think that's because divorce sometimes means less household money, moving house, moving school, losing contact with family / absent parent

If you and ex are able to co-parent amicably and the children's physical and emotional needs are met, then they'll be fine. And, even in cases where children are exposed to conflict, it's not good for them but we live in an imperfect world

In the kindest way OP YABU.

Many children (mine included) don't have a SAHP and I went back to work full time when both were 11 months. My DH works we are both available to them, book time for school concerts etc we just manage it and plan it in. I also firmly believe quality over quantity. If your sat around 6 hours of the day for them and they are watching TV for instance that solid time compared to 2 hours playing, talking, reading to them etc then to Most people it would be pretty obvious which one of those will be more helpful to child development.

As for being from a "broken home" again it's better that parents are happy separately. For me the ideal is always the ability to try and co-parent and be civil. I appreciate this isn't possible in many circumstances.

Yes you are being a unreasonable here, or more catastrophising then anything. My kids are all ND, have an abusive dad, one has mental problems, has trauma and has been suicidal. I am too sick to work or do much beyond caring for and supporting my DC. Two of my DC also had developmental delays, one quite severe. We are seperated pending divorce. My kids will geow up in a household that has very little. Wd don't have an amicable divorce which statistically reduces the chance of bad long term outcomes from divorce. Statistically mine don't stand a chance, but fuck that. Statistic work at population level not individual. You can support your kids through this and reduce how much this effects them.

In the nicest way your being ridiculous.

Your kids parents are separated but from the sounds of it love them, provide for them and try to be there for them as much as possible. From the sound of it your kids have a decent life, relax a little and enjoy parenting as much as you can.

Also all parenting articles/ books and what people say needs to be taken with a pinch of salt it's all coming with its own agenda.

Separated parents is more common than not these days 😂 they will be fine

My parents didn't split up, and lived together miserably until they died in their mid-90s. I still have rescue fantasies about both of them. Congratulations on not putting your kids through that.

Can you link to the statistics that are concerning you?

You are being ridiculous, but it's understandable. You're going through a big life change and catastrophising is normal.
As someone whose parents split up in 1993, and being the first child in my whole class to have divorced parents, I can say I think your kids will be fine.
Try not to use the phrase broken home. I remember hearing it as a kid and hating it, if I came from a broken home, I must be broken.
Your child has parents that love them, regardless of if they love each other, focus on that and not what has been 'lost'

The biggest impact of divorce isn’t emotional, it is financial. If you are working and maintaining a stable household financially, you are a long way towards mitigating any negative impacts on your children.

This. Proud mother of a 26yo DD here who flourished at school, smashed her degree, runs a business and lives independently in London and has great friends, a boyfriend and fabulous mental health, confidence and boundaries. Her dad and I split up when she was a year old.

“ellie09 · Today 12:21

I know some adults that are a lot more damaged with having parents stay together when they shouldn't have.”

This with absolute bells on. And some of the most functional families I know have parents who are divorced but co-parenting sensibly and reasonably. Some of the most functional adults I know grew up in such families. So please don’t use the term “broken” - it’s insulting and incorrect.

It’s also not realistic to expect your DCs to always be happy. It’s impossible. No-one is always happy. Don’t set yourself targets which are impossible to meet. You’re a loving and caring mum - that’s obvious from your post. Your DCs will be fine.

Jeez, worry about things if and when they happen.

My oldest 2 children came from very similar back ground and their father then died (I am now remarried). However, they both have degrees, both own their own homes, have their own families and are in a great place. It is possible. You need to be their biggest cheerleader and a constant source of "come on aim high, you can do it".
My son (eldest near 30) is an engineer and my daughter (2nd born 25) a teacher.
Oh and I am also a product of divorce and absolutely fine...stop worrying so much about statistics (they can always be manipulated anyway) and focus on the here and now

well, product of divorced parents here. Moved away from father who we saw in the holidays and mother worked full time with high pressured job. Childhood occasionally fraught I suppose like it is for many children with divorced parents as you navigate different homes and stuff. Nothing major though.

grew up and no afterschool clubs so lots of au pairs and 90s latch key kids. No money for extra curriculars really and in any event no parent around to take me.

didn’t develop emotional problems. Immensely close to both parents and sibling. Both me and sibling happily married for donkeys years and have happy kids. Both have good careers .

stop worrying honestly… all works out in the end.

I was in your situation.
My daughters have done really well, met all age appropriate milestones, now both at university, work, have nice boyfriends and friends.
If you put the effort in they'll be just fine, and they'll be what they want to be!

Why would the fact that you both work have a negative impact on school age children? It sounds like you see them almost as much as if you didn't work, aside from a few sessions of after school club.