Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

[whatswiththerain]

We are so exhausted with it. We put her to bed and she (dd6) will demand a drink/snack/toy/phone and scream for hours refusing to go to bed until she gets what she wants.
Of course we try not to give in but she won't stop and there gets a point where we can't take any more and give in so when we try and be stronger the next time she just fights for longer.
It's every night and bedtime is just an example, tonight she had spaghetti bolognaise and wanted cheese on top she got that and ate the cheese first and screamed and refused to eat anymore without more cheese.
If we give a consequence she'll scream and scream about it and as much as we know giving in is the problem, it's become so much of a problem that it takes over the whole evening and nighttime until we are so exhausted with her we just have to give in because we have no energy left and need to go to bed.
I know we've done this ourselves but I don't know to change it now it's done.

Oh dear god. You’ve just described perfectly how to raise bratty children 🙄

Why couldn’t she have more cheese though, I agree you have to set boundaries but why pick that battle?

Assuming that there isn't some complicated going on, the only way this will stop is when YOU make the decision to teach her that screaming won't get her way. For example:

• If she stops screaming in the next 10 seconds and then eats two more mouthfuls of pasta, she can then have some more cheese. Otherwise she doesn't get more cheese at all this meal. If you don't want to give her more cheese this meal anyway, then to her room if she doesn't stop screaming in the next 10 seconds.

If you don't want her bad behaviour to take over then, don't reward it. At the moment you are teaching her that behaving badly for longer will be more likely to get what she wants. YOU have to decide to stop teaching her this.

Well, your posting name fits, clearly.....

Agree - Six year olds are bright who are excellent at controlling their parents and know how to wind up the parents (if the parents allow it. )

Loose boundaries aren’t good for kids
They like structure and routine.

She screams and there needs to be immediate punishment, warn her then do it e.g. taking screen time away until she stops and mean it!

We just let Dd out as much parmesan as she wants on, it’s high in protein and nutrients.

You just have to suck it up for a few weeks. Honestly the motivation here shouldn’t just be to get her to comply but also about who she’s going to be in 10, 20, 30 years and what her relationships are going to look like. If she screams let her, it’s exhausting, she’ll tucker herself out eventually.

@Stepawayfromthefridgenow She was 5 when she was at her worst with the screaming. We’re not really sure what caused it. The change in routine over the summer holidays was a big factor and hunger and tiredness were also massive triggers. We have had to seek help this summer because of other issues related to extreme anxiety, which again has been much worse when out of routine. I am starting to suspect some sort of neurodiversity but it’s impossible to say really. It’s like having two different children at times.

@Baffled78 reading Gabor Maté isn’t relevant in this situation. This is not an attachment issue. Unless the op is with holding information this isn’t a child of trauma or a child with attachment issues. This is a child who has very cleverly learned that screaming will get her what she wants. Babies do this. Toddlers then do this and we talk, engage and encourage them to explore their emotions safely. If you continue to give in to a screaming toddler you end up with a screaming 6 year old. This isn’t a troubling behaviour this is a learned behaviour.

Something worth trying: B vitamins especially B12.
You mentioned your DD seems to have a lot of anger, this vitamin plays a role in the production of serotonin, a neurotransmitter that helps regulate mood.
You can also get a children multivitamins (they do them in gummy bear form) if you are not sure about dosage for a single vitamin.

Hi, I just wanted to add that if the consequence is that a friend ac no longer come to play, you are also punishing the friend! Try to make consequences just for her, immediate and as natural as posible or at least related to the behaviour. Good luck!

I find the best thing to do in these situations is not to get into a battle of wills but not to give in. I tend just to leave the room if my DC is engaged in this sort of behaviour.

We used to have a problem with toy shops (too many visits with indulgent grandparents in a short space of time which created an expectation). At first, I refused to go near our local toy shop but the method which cracked it for us was me sitting down in the middle of the shop sulking because I didn't have enough money for a particular toy while my embarrassed 5yo told me to move on and not to make such a fuss. We haven't really had a problem since. We wander in every now and again and choose items to put on the Christmas list.

Take the phone off her there is no way of six-year-old should have a phone, but now that she already has take it off her as punishment no screaming equals set amount of phone time

They really should. Family meeting with everyone who is in charge of putting up with caring for her, game plan set. I really wish them all the best.

So from tonight. Screaming won’t get her her own way. That’s what you’ve got to teach her.

i have always said "I don't respond to screaming, you can calm down and ask me nicely, or i will walk away." and carried it out.

you have to be firm, but fair, pick your battles, don't threaten anything you aren't willing to follow through with, don't give them horrible punishments that make them feel there is no point anyway, always offer them a chance to be rewarded for good behaviour. Always accept an apology. Never send them to bed without a hug. Do NOT use food as punishment.
Don't invent arbitrary rules that serve no purpose.

What do you say when she expresses these huge displays of emotion and frustration?

Are you acknowledging and validating or dismissing and minimizing by telling her she needs to calm down, is overreacting etc.?

Are you trying to fix it and make her be quiet or are you allowing the feelings?

Janet Lansbury is a great resource, also Playful Parenting and how to talk so children listen. Have you considered play therapy? Is she lacking proprioceorive input?

The more I think about it and with the updates you do sound overly controlling, though of course the screaming issue needs to be addressed.

*proprioceptive input. Perhaps she could benefit from some sensory integration to help become regulated

Have you seen the price of cheese atm?!

We're measuring it out with a ruler in this house.

She’s 6 and she has a phone?

If you aren’t going to take it off her permanently , which I think you should, she should be told very clearly that if there is any more screaming, the phone is going. Get down to her level snd speak very clearly to her. ‘Stop this now, or …’

You and your DH need to agree to stick at this . It isn’t going to be easy but it has to be done.