Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

[whatswiththerain]

We are so exhausted with it. We put her to bed and she (dd6) will demand a drink/snack/toy/phone and scream for hours refusing to go to bed until she gets what she wants.
Of course we try not to give in but she won't stop and there gets a point where we can't take any more and give in so when we try and be stronger the next time she just fights for longer.
It's every night and bedtime is just an example, tonight she had spaghetti bolognaise and wanted cheese on top she got that and ate the cheese first and screamed and refused to eat anymore without more cheese.
If we give a consequence she'll scream and scream about it and as much as we know giving in is the problem, it's become so much of a problem that it takes over the whole evening and nighttime until we are so exhausted with her we just have to give in because we have no energy left and need to go to bed.
I know we've done this ourselves but I don't know to change it now it's done.

This make no sense. Its comletely normal to say yes to some things and no to others. "Can I have an apple" "yes". "Can I have sweets" "no" or "not until after dinner". You can't say no to all requests just to show your child who is boss!
The point of choosing some non negotiables beforehand is so that OP has the resolve to stick to her nos. She needs to pick her battles so that she she has the strength to the hold the boundary.

@whatswiththerain

she has such a cheeky endearing smile and sweet laugh that when she's happy it's quite hard to imagine she's the same child.

I think you have to forget that she can be endearing & sweet as she is clearly able to behave when it suits her. You need to go cold turkey & stick with it.

I would also say pick your battles. More cheese on spaghetti might not be worth falling out over.

Just stick to your guns as she has clearly picked up that you will eventually give in!!

If "being yourself" involves demanding what you want and screaming until you get it, I highly recommend you work on changing yourself.

You seem to think we're discussing a baby who cannot understand reason or hasn't yet developed the link between behaviour and consequences. However, you also seem to think she's mature and competent enough to make big decisions that will impact on her health? Which is it?

She's not in distress, she wants something she can't have and she's learned that screaming gets her that thing. Sometimes we do not get everything we want in life, and as a parent your job is not to give them everything they want, it's to ensure they have the best possible opportunity to grow into a happy and healthy individual, and allowing them to stay up all night on a screen or eat only cheese is taking that opportunity from them.

That's only going to make her angrier.

Children get angry. They find it difficult to regulate their emotions. You don't punish children for having emotions, unless you want to cause emotional damage and problems later.

If you behave unreasonably, you're not setting an example as to why she should behave reasonably.

I would be pissed off as an adult if someone threw my dinner in the bin. Think about it.

You just need to find ways to cope until the screaming ends and never, ever give in again.

It will stop eventually even if only because she is too tired or too hoarse to continue.
You can't give in then and say because you stopped you can have whatever it is.
It has to be a firm unchanging NO means NO.

She will probably escalate and try harder for a fair few times at first, but she will learn it doesn't work any more.

I know it's distressing to see/hear/deal with, but if you'd put your foot down when she started this, it wouldn't be so bad now.
You taught her this works.

Maybe leave the room, or put on headphones and listen to music?

You create this problem and entrench it in her behaviour every single time you give in.

You have to just endure the screaming because bad as it will be at first stopping it at 6, just imagine how hard it will be if she is 16 and still using this as a technique when she's too big for you to deal with if she gets physical.

Maybe let your other child who shares a room sleep in another room for a few nights so she doesn't have to be in the middle of it?
Or could she stay at a relatives house for a few nights?
It's really unfair on her.

Don’t give in no matter how hard it is otherwise she will just continue to scream until you cave in.
And put your fingers in your ears and ‘La La La’ until she finally gives in or scream back - shock tactics needed perhaps.

just to follow up on this with cheese gate.

I would have allowed them more cheese but said that was all they would get until they ate some of their dinner.

If they then ate the cheese, demanded more, i would repeat what i said earlier, if you want more cheese, eat some of your dinner.

If they started screaming/demanding and refusing to eat i would simply say "I told you my rule, eat more food you can have more cheese.

If they continued to refuse i'd simply tell them i don't respond to screaming, if they don't want their dinner, they can leave it, but i won't be giving them more cheese until they eat more.

Then it is their choice if they eat and get more cheese, and i am not threatening to take their food away. i would ignore any further screaming and not respond to it, other than the odd reminder that screaming gets them nothing, eating gets them more cheese.

Set your boundary, don't shout, be firm, don't budge. repeat the boundary.

Let her scream - she will get exhausted before you do if you ignore her, and I mean ignore her. Limit screen time before bedtime, make sure bedtime routine is always the same etc. When she demands something over and over state the rule e.g. she has had a glass of water and there is to be no more while she screams at you. Also, has it occurred to you that she may be on the autism spectrum?

I think that you need to pick your battles and refusing more cheese when you have the cheese probably isn't one of them. Perhaps trying to give her more control over how much cheese she has will help.

I don't think the "never giving in- must be stricter" as some replies suggest works with some children - certainly would not with my son of similar age.

With the snack at bedtime I've taken to stalling - i.e. I say we can one later once little sibling asleep - and sometimes my child is asleep himself. If not I will give a small snack.

But I definitely know how you feel - my child very difficult in a toy shop or any shop if you don't buy what he wants. I am mostly avoiding shops for now - but I think it will get better as he gets older. I do buy some things, but do hold boundaries on others and I think it should improve.

I think this is an awful way to treat a child.

WTAF? 🙄 This child who we are assuming is not ND and whose parents acknowledge they have an issue by giving into her has learnt to scream to get her own way yet you are advising them to ‘allow the feelings and suggesting play therapy? Unless the OP is neglecting to tell us she’s suffered some sort of trauma it’s boundaries she needs and to know that the screaming won’t get her what she wants. I would be telling her that if she screams again before the weekend then the friend won’t be allowed to come over.

Reading some of the comments on here I can see why behaviour has deteriorated so much in schools!

The cheese was just an example from tonight. The reason for it is that she'd just eaten the cheese and had no intention of eating the rest and when given more cheese that's all she eat.
I'd quite liked her to have eaten the actual meal.

The PDA Society .org.uk has some good parenting guides on how to communicate in ways that reduce the feeling of demands but work well with kids that can be quite demand avoidance for a variety of reasons. We had to change the way we parented our youngest who didn’t respond well to the usual “rewards” and was underlying very anxious about the world but this came out as behaviour trying to control us and her environment instead. Once we understood this life got a lot easier.

This is not gentle parenting! It's accidental permissive parenting with a very strong willed child.

Most kids might cry or kick off for a bit then forget about it.

Others will go, and go, and go, and unless you have a child like that it's very difficult to know what it's like.

I have a child that screams like that when he doesn't get his own way and you know what? I stick to my guns. I acknowledge feelings and I'm not horrible but I don't "give in". The screaming can last for hours. And it's no better the next time.

I'm some cases it's not just created by the parents.

But I do think here OP has the opportunity to make sure screaming doesn't get results and to take charge as a parent. That didn't have to mean throwing dinner in a bin or punishments.

What a vile comment and a massive leap to suggest the OPs DD is happy at school because she’s free of her parents!
Of course 6 year olds can be manipulative 🙄

You've had a lot of good advice. A mixed approach - give her simple choices, don't refuse things that don't need to be fought over, but don't give way over things that really matter - will help a lot.

Just thinking about bedtime - if you give her the snack/toy/phone does she stop screaming and go to sleep? Or does she find something else to demand and scream about?

If the bedtime really is about wanting the object then let her know at some other time of day what the bedtime routine is and which things she will be allowed at bedtime (a milky drink, a choice of toys) and when it's bedtime let her choose. Don't offer or let her have anything that's really bad for her like a mobile phone or a sugary drink no matter how much she screams! (Phone games at bedtime are not a good idea, they are designed to be "more-ish" or addictive and they interfere with sleep.)

If it's more like a sequence of demands then that's insecurity/attention seeking and there's a good SuperNanny strategy for that, which worked with my DS when he was screaming for attention at bedtime. It was to tuck DS in, kiss goodnight and tell him that I was going off to do the washing up (or something else boring) and he was to stay in bed and I would come back after 2 minutes to kiss him goodnight. And repeat. And then stretch to tell him 3 mintues, 4 minutes, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, and keep repeating at 10 minutes. Once he figured that I would keep on coming back he relaxed and conked out! Didn't take many nights before I was only coming back once and he was asleep.

I think that's fair enough tbh, I'd want the same.

But in the short term, I would try to say yes to all many things as possible that aren't big deals, in order to focus on you being able to manage the screaming when you DO set limits.

Can you identify 3 areas you really want to crack and hold a boundary on?

Also I reckon she's possibly scared at night if that's when most of the behaviour happens.

Don’t be stupid. Just eating cheese is not a balanced meal.

actually, it's more likely that she screams at home because she feels safe to do so with her parents.. and because she is allowed to get away with it.

Do you think the school would tolerate it?

I can see this post has triggered you terribly and I hope you are ok.