Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

[whatswiththerain]

We are so exhausted with it. We put her to bed and she (dd6) will demand a drink/snack/toy/phone and scream for hours refusing to go to bed until she gets what she wants.
Of course we try not to give in but she won't stop and there gets a point where we can't take any more and give in so when we try and be stronger the next time she just fights for longer.
It's every night and bedtime is just an example, tonight she had spaghetti bolognaise and wanted cheese on top she got that and ate the cheese first and screamed and refused to eat anymore without more cheese.
If we give a consequence she'll scream and scream about it and as much as we know giving in is the problem, it's become so much of a problem that it takes over the whole evening and nighttime until we are so exhausted with her we just have to give in because we have no energy left and need to go to bed.
I know we've done this ourselves but I don't know to change it now it's done.

There are many debates. You’d most likely see something like ‘Diagnosis of ASD with a PDA profile’

I just know from experience that some of the strategies are really useful with young people presenting demand avoidance or displaying an extreme need to control.

Sounds like my child at 6 years old, seriously bright, funny, adorable - would also scream for hours at any kind of transition or at being told no. And I mean hours. There was one particular low point where police turned up on our doorstop for a welfare check because the screaming that day had been so loud and persistent. I think he hadn't been allowed on his Switch that day.

Lots of advice was given about him being a spoilt brat and being far more stern with him and shutting it down, and not feeding him if he refused his dinner and taking all his toys away and basically punishing him until he gave in, yada yada yada. Somehow I knew instinctively that wasn't the right way to go. Plus it had no actual effect when I tried it anyway. He also masked beautifully at school, although it had started slipping.

After a hideously long wait for an assessment after going to the GP because I could see that he wasn't actually defiant or spoilt, there was a very scared and out of control little boy in there and sometimes after a particularly hideous melt down, he would be inconsolable and it would break my heart.

Turns out he has ADHD without the hyperactivity bit so, ADD, but with the hyperfocus, and on the spectrum but not enough for to be the primary diagnosis.

Most of the advice given here wouldn't have had helped. Well, that's not quite accurate, it would have, in fact, escalated the behaviour even further.

There are other ways to de-escalate the tantrums and meltdowns.

Girls tend to mask even better than boys. You know your child, but if you have even the slightest niggle at the back of your mind that something else might be going on, then it is worth investigating. It's quite unusual to scream for hours and all behaviour is communication. She's telling you something. I would try and listen.

Fucking hell. Some people really are showing their true colours on this thread.

That doesn't mean you need to throw the phone in the bin in front of them and then ignore their entirely justified upset over the matter.

I can't believe you'd even suggest it.

I think half of these people arent even parents but rather sad little trolls to be honest

Can you take her on a picnic where others aren’t around so she doesn’t disturb others. Offer her something and when she refuses to eat it as it doesn’t meet her conditions, eat it in front of her. Then eat her favourite dessert in front of her while explaining she can’t have any as she didn’t eat her main course. Offer the main course again, as initially served and say if she eats it then she can have pudding. Then, if she doesn’t cooperate let her scream.
never had to do this but giving her a consequence and a measure of control may help
If not you are just going to have to say no, a lot and mean it

I really hope so!

Why have you let her get to 6 years old without tackling her bad behaviour?

Bloody hell this thread is hard to read. Half the responses are deleted, the other half are people misreading the OP as saying her child simply wanted more cheese - when the problem is, her child was ONLY eating the cheese, and rejecting the cooked meal.

I despair.

Shall we start afresh?

Still can’t see a solution from you though. Perhaps you’d try and reason with a 6 year in the throes of a full on tantrum? Good luck with that.

I should have posted in my 1st answer but one thing you need to do is to protect your older daughter. You need to get her a room of her own.

I think there's a middle ground with the cheese situation - serve half of what you would be willing to give her. Then, when she asks for more, say 'yes, you can have more, but once it's gone that's all.'

She thinks she's getting seconds, so is happy, and you are getting to keep sensible portions, so you're happy.

This is what you need to do. If you know you'll give in if she plays up, just say yes at the outset. Only say no if you are certain you are going to stick to it. Best advice I ever had.

Search the thread and you'll find it.

I am quite capable of handling a tantrum. I'm really good with children.

I can’t bear reading stuff like this, I really can’t. I’m maybe an overly harsh parent, but what you’ve just described is just unacceptable to me. I’m not trying to be awful OP, but what you’re creating here is a monster. You can stop this now. If you don’t a few years down the line, you’ll wish you had - probably much like now you’re wishing you had a few years earlier. She can scream as much as she likes - no cheese. Definitely no phone or tech - that’s a cop out IMO and doing nobody any favours here. Her friend coming over? Forget it, just no. Tell her it’s not forever, but until you see vast improvement in her behaviour then any extras stop. And mean it. Be strong and don’t falter. Good luck.

you do not take their food away, that is terrible behaviour and bad parenting, you're turning food into a punishment.

what you do is give them the choice to leave the table and not eat it, that way THEY are making the choice not to eat the food.

I'm a parent to a ND child with an eating disorder, its absolutely crucial that food does not become a battle ground, you don't use it as punishment or reward, you do not give it status. They eat or they don't eat, but you never, ever make the choice for them by removing the food from the table before they have walked away from eating it themselves.

The 6 year old will become a 16 year old. She may well be towering above you in stature. Think on.

You don’t give in 🙄

I was once at a club and a man just would not leave me alone, kept rubbing up against me and trying to ‘dance’ and put his hands all over me despite me making it clear I wasn’t interested. Another man saw I was uncomfortable and stepped in so that the original man left, I was thankful for about 30 seconds before the man who’d stepped in started to dance up against me and get just as handsy at the original man!

Oh OP this sounds like a nightmare for you and it sounds like sorting it will be hell. At least for a short while. She sounds more like a toddler! Your only answer is set out clear boundaries and never ever stray from them, both you and your dp. He must be on the same page. It will almost break you but it should work. You have to stick by what you say and never back down

My son (also 6) does this and I have come to learn it's all about control. It happens infrequently and the vast majority of the time, when it happens, it turns out something has happened in his day that has upset him that he couldn't control - like another child being mean to him for example.

When he does it, I never give in to what he wants, but stay nearby so he can see me while he screams. Even when he is throwing things around his room. Eventually, when he comes out of it I give him a really big hug and tell.him it's ok. Try not to show him how frustrated I am.

reward reward reward....every little tiny peace of good behaviour should be noticed and rewarded. a hug, a thank you, and well done are all great rewards. Screaming is working. She needs to be taught that being nice gets her what she wants. You need to look at how you handle these tantrums...ignore the behaviour you don't want, reward what you do want. Even punishing her is acknowledging the bad behaviour, so the best thing to do is act like its not happening.

You've basically trained your DD that if she screams she gets anything she wants. Cold turkey will be very hard but is do it. A snack before bed like a sliced apple and drink of milk then I'd she wants anything else she has to wait until breakfast. Remind her at dinner time to eat all she needs because she won't be fed after bedtime.

Is it possible that she has additional needs? My daughter is autistic, and very similar - the nurse she saw reframed it as "are you giving in, or are you just meeting her needs?"

And yes, the silliest wee things can feel like a need if it is a genuine issue.

I wouldn't rule it out too quickly.

You need to grow a spine, OP. Never hand control over to your 6 year old like this again. That's parenting 101.

My Mother told me about my older brother's first mega tantrum aged 3 or 4. This was a full on wobbler, flung himself to the ground, legs and arms thrashing, screeching. She walked around the kitchen as normal washing up etc and completely ignored him. He never did it again.

It will be painful for your child to not get her way as you've conditioned her, but the pain will be short-lived and she'll be more emotionally settled with boundaries.