Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

[whatswiththerain]

We are so exhausted with it. We put her to bed and she (dd6) will demand a drink/snack/toy/phone and scream for hours refusing to go to bed until she gets what she wants.
Of course we try not to give in but she won't stop and there gets a point where we can't take any more and give in so when we try and be stronger the next time she just fights for longer.
It's every night and bedtime is just an example, tonight she had spaghetti bolognaise and wanted cheese on top she got that and ate the cheese first and screamed and refused to eat anymore without more cheese.
If we give a consequence she'll scream and scream about it and as much as we know giving in is the problem, it's become so much of a problem that it takes over the whole evening and nighttime until we are so exhausted with her we just have to give in because we have no energy left and need to go to bed.
I know we've done this ourselves but I don't know to change it now it's done.

I'm going to go on a slightly different tangent here, make sure she's got the tools to think logically. Is she on par with all of her milestones developmentally/academically/emotionally? Also I'd strongly suggest (and I obviously don't know what she's eating) removing any refined foods, sugars, sweetners and anything with a high glyceamic load for a few days and then try to approach these concerns again. Start early in the day with love excitement and praise, walk away from any negativity and do not acknowledge anything (so long as she is safe). I have 4 children including twins and we have had a similar issue with a twin and they are the younger ones. It's not always parenting gone wrong, sometimes there are environmental factors that we don't consider. Don't beat yourself up over it though, you're seeking help for her so you're great parents.

I would’ve taken the spag bol away and said “don’t eat it then.” Also - 6 and she has a phone? No sim, but games? I’d be binning that as well and let her see me do it. She’d get tired of screaming before I got tired of ignoring it.

Make the rules clear.and enforce them don't give in. When she demands more cheese tell her that's not an option. She has had cheese and needs to eat the rest. Tell her she has until a particular time to finish it or you take it away if she doesn't take it away. She's had a chance to eat it then and chances are it's cold anyway.
As for bedtimes ensure she has some supper and cuddles say goodnight and make it clear she isn't getting anything else and needs to go to end to sleep. Tell her the consequences of she doesn't and that you wont be backing down. If there's something you can use as leeway such as a tablet or favourite toy then make it clear that if she doesn't go to bed then she won't get that tomorrow.
You do need to insist on the rules however long it takes. She can scream herself to sleep but she will soon realise you mean it.

You just have to be very firm + no means NO in many differnent situations

Basically on here it means "no comment"

She keeps on doing it because you keep on giving in.

Don't say no unless you mean it.

Ask yourself what harm it would do to let her have more cheese, drink of water at bedtime, etc.

And if you do say no, you have to stand by it and do not change your mind no matter how long or hard she screams.

Hi op,

i do love strong will children but they are work!
don’t forget, whatever strenght she has, you don’t want to squeash these but you do have to implement BOUNDARIES. She shouldn’t have to do anything for these so it doesn’t depend on her and her screaming. So when she sees that her screaming doesn’t affect the result, she will stop. Trust me, it must be exhausting for her too.

if she refuses to eat what you give, take it away. If she has NO nutrition difficulty as in the gp told you she absolutely needs… then. Give nothing else. Children don’t let themszlves starve. She will be eating it next time. Of course, she is allowed to not like something and no children like to eat veg but spagetthi? Yeah sure… just take it away. Let her scream and don’t give something else.

try to have nail down a few boundaries before attempting bedtime. It looks like she did take a lot of bad havits. Then when you have a few of these, completely strip your routine and make a complete new one : bath, massage with oil, a story…let HER choose.
so give her choices in what she wants and that you agree : do you want a bath or a story before going to bed? Then reinforce her agreement until she comply.

Good luck 🌺

You've taught her that all she needs to do is scream long and loud enough. If you've said no, then it means no. Doesn't matter how long she keeps it up for. Sort this now or you are going to have a nightmare on your hands.

This sounds like a real ordeal for you and her. Parenting is a tough gig, isn’t it? I would suggest the following:

Connect before you correct - spend lots of time working on connecting well with her in a way that is meaningful to her. Lots of positive attention, play, put your own phone away and listen lots and lots. Don’t change anything until you are confident that you have a healthy connection. This is going to feel like hard work when she is having a tantrum, but keep the end goal in sight. It may eliminate some of the tantrums without any other steps needed.

Ensure that her basic needs are met. Sounds over simple but some kids don’t know when they are hungry/tired/thirsty so we have to anticipate and fulfil their needs so they aren’t being triggered by feeling uncomfortable.

Be confident that she isn’t neurodiverse before going any further. Read up on autism, ADHD and PDA. If it seems like she might be ND - get skilled support and read up on parenting an ND kid.

Start putting new boundaries in place one at a time. This is a process that will take time but you both need time to adjust and that’s OK. Talk to her before you implement anything new so she knows what to expect. “I’ve noticed that you are having difficulty with x and this needs to change. The next time y happens, I will do z.” Do not give any consequences without a warning because it doesn’t give her a chance to change her behaviour. If she does change her behaviour, thank her and give lots of meaningful praise and encouragement. If she doesn’t change her behaviour then it’s time to implement consequences. Sometimes the best consequence is a lack of your attention. Try and ensure that any consequence is related to what she is doing and she knows what it will be before the behaviour happens. Stick to it. Do not give in. Boundaries make children feel safe because they know where they stand. When you’ve cracked one issue, move onto the next.

As screaming is a problem, make sure that you aren’t raising your own voice to gain control otherwise you will look like a hypocrite when you want her to stop screaming.

Make sure that school knows what you are implementing at home so that it is backed up in the classroom and just in case she starts acting out at school when you make changes at home.

I don't want to be mean, but that sounds like you're allowing your parenting to be motivated by spite.

My 15 year old was very similar at that age and my god she had stamina. We were so ground down by it all and for many years were all totally frazzled. I remember doing that gradual withdrawal for sleep for example and every step took months and months of her screaming and we never properly cracked it. Turns out she is AuDHD and on reflection, a lot of her behaviour was linked to this need to control a world that she didn’t feel very in control of. However, I still believe ND kids need and can understand boundaries but they probably just need more awareness of where they are. Some battles definitely aren’t worth having though so you have to become very good at making quick decisions you can stick with.

The 1950s called. It wants its outdated cruelty back.

When you have firmly told her no to something specific, if she starts screaming, warn her calmly that she needs to stop. If she continues, can you make her go to her room, or some other place until she's calmed down? I know it's not so simple, but make it clear to her that it's not acceptable for other family members to have to put up with her screaming. She's old enough to understand.

How do parents get themselves into these issues? Your main job as a parent create an adult that can survive on their own!
The only thing I can suggest is you listen to the people who said set boundaries. Do it before she's violent.

Yes, that too! That is really nice!

connect before you correct. Children do have a few boxes to fill each day and they will have them filled negatively if they aren’t filled positively.

💪🏼

you got it op!! She is loved and you try. You are a very good mom.

I feel like dominating the child will not get you far in the long run.

Reposition your thnking - agree to listen to her arguments and cave in, let her win from time to time. The big stuff no - but the small stuff yes.

IMO this is very improtant for young children - it builds self esteem. There is recognition, "I see you, I am listening to you, you are important" BUT for it to work she must also see you, listen to you and recognize you. If you work that premise and make it mutual you could solve this fairly quickly.

Hello! I really recommend the podcast respectful parenting xxx hope it helps, it helps me

No eye contact, no conversation, dinner in the bin, carry to her (safe) room, and be prepared to spend a horrible two weeks to prevent years of the same behaviour. You can do this.

Wow, she would be in her room and invited to scream until she’s exhausted/realises that this is not the means to get her way. She needs to learn that this is not acceptable behaviour - and certainly not a way to negotiate.

There's two potential answers to this.
Ome is she's learned to get her own way by doing this and she needs to unlearn it. Pre-empt the screaming where you can, warn her what will happen if she kicks off and stand firm, don't give in under any circumstances if she starts.
Two, could be there are some underlying SEN or mental health issues setting her off?
For years I thought my daughter was just stubborn, difficult, bad tempered etc...
But we now know she's autistic, high masking, probably pda aswell and has extreme anxiety.
She's not a screamer, but in similar situations she would simply refuse to eat the rest of the food without the extra cheese or something. An overwhelmed child will go into fight/flight/freeze mode. Screaming is a fight response, my dd has more of a freeze response.
She can't help it, as much as it seems like pig headed awkward and demanding behaviour, it's a neurological response that's beyond her control.
So in my situation I'd give the cheese when she asked because we are trying to practice low demand parenting.
You have to pick your battles and don't sweat the small stuff. It's hard, and feels very much like a backward step when it comes to parenting and disciplining a child but it's what the experts recommend. Even so, sen children still need boundaries, you have to set them where needed and relax them where it doesn't matter..
My dd is 13, if she wants to watch a 15 movie that's fine, but I say no to most 18s. Bed time is 9.30pm.but if she pisses about till 10.30 I hold back and keep gently encouraging her to get on with it rather than demanding she gets to bed now!
If she wants to eat at the coffee table I let her (I used insist they eat at the table but if we can remove one demand she's likely to tolerate the demand to eat her meal better so I allow it)
Even with an NT child, sometimes lowering demands and picking your battles can help, particularly in times of increased anxiety or stress. But don't give in after the screaming fits, that's only going to reinforce that behaviour. Just ask yourself, does a bit of extra cheese matter that much? Would it hurt to say okay u can have some extra cheese BUT there's no more after this and no pudding if you don't finish it all or something along those lines. So your saying yes but only on your terms.
And make it clear no means no and it will continue to mean no regardless of how she responds to that!
If she feels like you say no all the time she will be gearing herself up for the tantrum before she's even asked the question. Ask yourself, is this battle worthwhile? Is it something that will cause issues if I allow it? Is a bit of extra cheese the hill u want to die on? I know there's more to this than the cheese but it's a good example and when you break it down, a lot of the small things are equally not a big deal and probably not worth the drama they are causing.
So I guess I'm saying, try to say no a bit less often, but when you say it make sure you mean it!

I have no answers for you OP - single parent of one fairly quiet child. But just sending support that you came on here to ask. There are some brilliant parents on here and it does sound like you will have to brave it out for a period but equally that ‘reward’ thing mentioned by PP’s will be a factor and it’s tricky to get that right without ‘folding’ too soon. One tip that I did find useful for scoping out behavioural kinks in my DD was to put her in the bath. Sit on the edge and have a big ‘chat’ about how she is feeling after she has had one of these rants and you will sometimes find the answer that way. It’s got to be exhausting on her. Best of luck.

Some kids are negative attention as attention and don’t mind that it isn’t pleasant. My middle child was like this from 2-7 and it was hell for us. He wasn’t screaming and tantrum Ming but he cried about everything and acted up for attention. It was really rough but he outgrew it and became a lovely thoughtful person.

I would recommend one on one time with her when she is a good, sticker chart and absolutely no response to the screaming. It’s tough but after a few weeks of nobody giving in she will quit

My Gds is the same. A big eater who always wants cereal shortly before bedtime. He’s pretty non stop active and skinny as a rake.

The games on these phones make children extremely cranky when they're removed. Hundred percent go cold turkey and certainly don't use them before bed, they're terrible for sleep.

I would ask your school if they do any little focus groups about emotions and feelings. Or if she can go on the waiting list for play therapy ( if they're lucky enough to have one ) Anger is a huge emotion to deal with and these things might help her process some of it.

All eat together. Put various foods to help yourselves to on the table. Cucumbers,olives, other salads, grated cheese,pasta, bread,sausages, whatever you are serving.
everyone helps themselves, however messy it seems.
once an item has gone it’s not replaced.
Do same with deserts. Fruits, ice cream, etc.
Help yourselves.
if you don’t eat, you leave the room.
Calm. Conversations about the day/ the week end, a funny tale etc.
Bath/story.cuddles and bed.