Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

[whatswiththerain]

We are so exhausted with it. We put her to bed and she (dd6) will demand a drink/snack/toy/phone and scream for hours refusing to go to bed until she gets what she wants.
Of course we try not to give in but she won't stop and there gets a point where we can't take any more and give in so when we try and be stronger the next time she just fights for longer.
It's every night and bedtime is just an example, tonight she had spaghetti bolognaise and wanted cheese on top she got that and ate the cheese first and screamed and refused to eat anymore without more cheese.
If we give a consequence she'll scream and scream about it and as much as we know giving in is the problem, it's become so much of a problem that it takes over the whole evening and nighttime until we are so exhausted with her we just have to give in because we have no energy left and need to go to bed.
I know we've done this ourselves but I don't know to change it now it's done.

DS is 13 and he has supper every evening! Even if he has had dinner late. he was just milk at age 6 but now is cereal. I tell him he doesn't need it but its part of his routine and he likes cereal. He's not overweight and does a lot of exercise so it's not a battle I choose to fight.

I think you've answered your own question. As long as you've ruled out ND and spoken with school you will have to get tough. My 5 year old can still have a good old tantrum when she doesn't get her own way (we do not give in). However we are starting to notice that these are when she is tired from school. She does suffer with restraint collapse and when she we are stuck in the house all day it tends to be more regular then.

We've definitely at issues at mealtimes. I put cheese in a separate dish for each of the kids on the side. As I give it to them "this is all your cheese, there will not be any more". Of course sometimes they ask and it'll be "when I gave it to you I said there wouldn't be any more, that's sad that you've eaten it all and want more but I'm afraid that's it." Often they'll get down from the table after a couple of mouthfuls and it'll be "ok if you are done your plate will stay on the table for 30 minutes after that time it'll go in the bin, there will be no more food today until breakfast when you wake up tomorrow". It's been hard work reinforcing the boundaries but it has worked over time

We actually sleep best if we've had carbs within about an hour of going to bed so I think it's quite reasonable for kids to want a snack just before bed. What isn't reasonable is to be using it as a stall tactic. We've found that the best approach with my dd is as per my pp give her the opportunity to eat just before starting bedtime routine and make it clear kitchen is closed after this.

I hope I’m not the only one to be appalled that a 6 year old has a phone at all, let alone taking it to bed with her!

I'd assume that temper tantrum = overtired and put her to bed earlier the next night.
I'd relate how early according to how long she screams (1 hour screaming = 15 minutes earlier to bed).
Withdrawal of TV time might also be linked.

Stand firm, be consistent, and give unpleasant consequences for her bad behaviour. I'd be rewarding that good child who is sharing her room, too.

This explains a lot of the behaviour problems. Too much screen tine, too much indulgence

It's hard OP. Some kids really can outlast you with their stamina and sounds like your DD is one of them!

I think once you stand firm that it will get worse, much worse before it gets better unfortunately. She will not like that her tantrums are not getting her anywhere anymore.

I'm getting some assistance from a behaviour practitioner at the moment for my DS. He's helping me to get rid of the power struggles with DS, and I have to say that it has reduced a lot of stress and bad behaviour.

This is ridiculous! A 6 year old with a phone? You need to take that away permanently for starters, screen time is probably part of the problem.

And presumably she’s going into Year 2? That’s far too old to be having tantrums like a toddler. You need to tell her this. Tell her she’s a big girl now, she’s in Year 2 and she needs to improve her behaviour.

And stop giving into her. Tell her from now on screaming won’t work. And stick to it, no matter how hard. Both of you need to be consistent and stick to the same message, reinforce that boundary over and over again. It will be hard to start with but it’s the only way.

My son is on the autistic spectrum and now grown up but when he was little he threw major tantrums and I was exasperated and embarrassed for others to witness his behaviour. Here's what worked on the advice of a child psychologist. When he threw a tantrum I had to hold his arms firmly and not look at him, this works from the back or front. It may take a while but eventually he calmed down. Alternatively sit him on one of the stairs, sit beside him with my arm across him and do not engage. Do not look or communicate until the tantrum is over. When the tantrum is over talk to them, ask if they're finished screaming etc. If the tantrum resumes rinse and repeat. At bedtime be firm. You are not going to respond to screaming. Let your other daughter stay up if she wants to because she deserves it being well behaved and having to put up with this nonsense from her sister. If your daughter comes downstairs take her back to bed without speaking to her. Never communicate with her when she is screaming or behaving badly. But be kind and loving when she's not. It takes a bit of perseverance but a few weeks after we started he was behaving really well, no more tantrums or screaming. It was worth every minute.

because next time the cheese will be sweets, or cake, or her phone, or whatever else she decides to demand. Once she is aware that some things are a yes, and some are a no and that's it, then the parents can make the decisions, not the tiny terrorist.

But maybe not. More cheese, fine. More sweets, not today. Pick your battles! Ridiculous so much drama over a bit of cheese!

@LittleBelleBelle but she wasn't eating the rest of the meal. Also this was just a snapshot, example of her behaviour. If DS was feeling tired and didn't really want to eat much and just wanted cheese, and most other days he ate well and behaved well, then as a one off we might have just let him have cheese, but if it was a cycle of demanding behaviour then another technique would be necessary

But at the moment OP loses every battle - she needs to win one first.

The dd of a friend of mine would scream and roar for a good 20 minutes if she was denied anything she wanted. I particularly remember one incident where both our dds (around 8 at the time) were told they would not be allowed a particular treat - because of fighting and generally annoying behaviour.

Friend’s dd did her usual scream and roar act, and as usual, after a while, friend gave that helpless, ‘What can you do?’ shrug, and said, ‘Oh, go on then…’

Instant silence plus triumphant beam - ‘I’ve won again!’
It was intensely frustrating, especially as I was not going to give in to my own dd.

Many years later, friend told me that her dd was having exactly the same trouble with her own dd!

So many cruel, outdated and ineffective parenting approaches on this thread.

@NoOffButton WTF, cancel a child’s birthday party due to their completely unrelated inability to self-regulate and communicate distress?

Random punishments like this do not teach children anything other than modeling coercion and blackmail which they then go on to carry out in their future relationships. This is teaching them such an unhealthy approach to relate to people.

Natural consequences, firm boundaries, supporting emotional regulation and respectful parenting is the only healthy way to address this stuff.

Agree she need to learn that screaming doesn't get you what you want.

May well get you taken somewhere quiet and safe so you can calm down or put to be early as clearly over tired which will be explained to her but won't get what you are demanding. It won't mean an unrelated and to a child event long in future being cancelled.

Demanding sweets may be we walk longer way home to avoid going past sweet shop. Plus probably means sweets won't be around for a while at all.

I'd also be monitoring if any food or screen time or lack of exercise or outside time is making her worse - or if she does need snack or milk before bed to sleep but do not allow as a stall tactic.

The phone is not great with 6 year old - with my secondary school age I have done if you make a fuss about handing it over at night - then you don't get in back in the morning - works with them.

At 6 -if not ND with condition severity meaning otherwise and capable of behaving in school - can understand cause and effect. You want her to listen and respect boundaries ( though pick battels wisely ) you put in because if she isn't doing it at 6 she likely won't be doing it teen years either.

Sorry I don’t know what this means lol 🤦‍♀️

Hope today went ok OP

Parent and her then

But it's just extra food she doesnt need, shes just had dinner at 5! Its no wonder so many kids are fat when people think they need toast at 7 when they just ate a full dinner less than 2 hours ago

It’s so hard. ❤️
my granddaughter was the same she screamed going to school just like you describe and would tantrum again as you describe.
There’s no quick fix but as grandparents we didn’t give in and she has turned a corner. Started school youngest in class her teacher was amazing with her. She has just started primary 2 and is a different child completely.
i think she was emotionally immature and needed time to grow up. I hope you have grandparents who help you.
i have them 3 days weekly while parents work
they agree when at ours it’s out by rules.
good luck it’s not easy and there are no easy solutions but it will get better. Good luck ❤️

You could always try screaming back?! Shock tactics. Probably a good idea to warn your older daughter first though...

Good, what 6 year old needs a phone?

I'm watching this sport of situation play out with one of my oldest friends. She has a 6 year old and her house is ruled by the 6 year old. She watches inappropriate for her age tv and films and I’m told “ohhhh but she likes them”.

Suck it up, you are the parent and if you do not nip this in the bud then it will only get worse. Routines and boundaries. I work in early years and all my colleagues comment on how polite and well behaved my children are but my youngest by god he was a terror when he was little. He’s an AuDHD’er so routines and boundaries are key with him. No one can believe the stories of me having to march him out of places or being covered in bruises when he was a toddler. I gentle parented but didn’t give in. Grow a backbone OP and sort it out.

Watch this video(Dr. Phalen Magic 123) - if it appeals buy the book + DVD - DVD is a MUST. It works even with ND children.