Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

[whatswiththerain]

We are so exhausted with it. We put her to bed and she (dd6) will demand a drink/snack/toy/phone and scream for hours refusing to go to bed until she gets what she wants.
Of course we try not to give in but she won't stop and there gets a point where we can't take any more and give in so when we try and be stronger the next time she just fights for longer.
It's every night and bedtime is just an example, tonight she had spaghetti bolognaise and wanted cheese on top she got that and ate the cheese first and screamed and refused to eat anymore without more cheese.
If we give a consequence she'll scream and scream about it and as much as we know giving in is the problem, it's become so much of a problem that it takes over the whole evening and nighttime until we are so exhausted with her we just have to give in because we have no energy left and need to go to bed.
I know we've done this ourselves but I don't know to change it now it's done.

Try to be specific about what she can have and what her options are. A lot of the boundary testing and screaming may be because she doesn't know what she can and can't have until after she has decided what she wants, set her heart on it and asked for it. And then you say no! And then she screams and screams... and eventually she gets it though she will see you are unwilling. That's frustrating and even frightening for a child.

Instead tell her what the options are going to be before she asks for anything - maybe even go as far as making a bedtime basket of toys to choose from, either do it together in the daytime or you do it for her. Give her a little dish of cheese that she can scoop over her dinner as she likes and tell her that when it's finished that's all. That's giving her control within boundaries and helping her understand what the boundaries are and what "enough cheese" or "bedtime games" look like and what her approved/safe options are without needing constant testing.

Shes 6.
You're adults.
You're currently training her to carry on screaming because that gets results.
Send her to her room and ignore her. She'll burn herself out,

DD (7) doesn't scream, but she nags... oh my goodness she nags.

We have a very strict rule that we talk about when she's not nagging (and then remind her of if she starts) which is that of she nags, she's doesn't get whatever she's nagging for. Ever.

We even state openly, "I can't get you that, because you nagged, and I can't have you thinking that nagging works".

So she still nags, but much much less.

This.

Rather than you putting the cheese on her food then her needing to ask you for more, try grating a plate of cheese and giving it to her to do herself…..so she has autonomy.

But explain calmly that you’ve grated all of your cheese and once she has used up the plate of cheese, there isn’t any more left in the fridge.

At 6yrs old, I feel screaming is not simply her being naughty and trying to get her own way; it’s more letting you know she’s finding something difficult.

If she carries on being unable to self regulate, maybe chat to your GP about a CAMHS assessment.

You've taught her that screaming works, she just has to keep it up until she gets what she wants.

Unfortunately you didn't nip this in the bud the first time it happened and it is ingrained behaviour now, which is going to make things hard on all of you for a while. But stick in there eventually she will get the message.

When you say no, mean no. If she screams for three days straight and none if you sleep, it is still a no. If she embarrasses you in public, it is still a no.

You still have a chance to fix this, she is not a teenager. Do it now.

I understand, my ds is autistic. But your life, and hers, will be so much easier if you sort this out. We are often complimented on how well behaved ds is. All that was required was knowing that no means no, a boundary is there for a reason and that when you say something is happening/not happening that is set in stone.

This!

I missed that the six hear old has a phone.

That is horrific parenting. What the fuck are you thinking?

Your overthinking it.

She’s learned yelling gets her what she wants, so she yells. She might not be upset at all just doing what she knows works.

I think this is the most balanced and helpful response I have read.

Your DD behaviour gets the result that she wants.
Simple as that.

But as an adult you would't (I'm assuming) behave that way about your dinner in the first place.

Try the explosive child book and pick something to work on and see if you can get her to talk about it (at an unrelated time)

We all get into bad habits because we're human.

But the good thing is it's never too late to change.

"Youve had cheese and there isn't anymore, I need the rest for tomorrow's dinner. If you don't start eating your dinner in the next 3 minutes, I'm going to assume you're finished and will take it away.". Then do it. Of course she'll scream and cry, just walk away and get on with a different task. "I'm busy now DD, go play".

It's a bit like sleep training, you have a few nights of tears and then bam, they get it. 6yrs is old enough not to be tantruming for hours. My 7yr old still tries the odd scream and of course, sometimes I give in for a quiet life, but on the whole she should be able to accept rules a bit better at that age.

Good luck OP.

Could you make sure you take a drink and a biscuit up to bed with her?

what about her teeth??

Scream with her. You'll shock her! x

OP, don’t be bullied into doing a drastic cold turkey approach starting right now today, just because a load of posters seem to want you to, as though your life was some kind of reality tv show for their entertainment.

To the PP talking about undeveloped brains - no their brains are not developed. So they don't understand that when they eat cheese alone as a meal, they will likely be hungry later in the evening. They are also not getting much nutritional value from the meal which is also not good for their bodies when repeated day after day. I fail to comprehend how people think it is acceptable to let them go to bed having just eaten cheese to their satisfaction but if the parent were to say no to the cheese demand, the child refuse to eat pasta then go to bed, it is child abuse🙄. Both have the same outcome as far as feeding the child goes - they have gone to bed without eating a proper meal. Also to point out, once you've let them pick to just have an unlimited quantity of a component of a meal once, does this demand not repeat itself? As it certainly would with my 6 year old and every meal would be just cheese/bread/something beige...which would gradually escalate to wanting biscuits/cake/chocolate as a meal. When the initial boundary is held firm, they don't question it the next day or the day after.

My child's brain is also not developed enough to understand that when they are irritable, it is because they are exhausted. This is the time the sibling squabbles start, small bumps become major injuries (in their eyes). However, they don't like to go to bed because it is more fun to be awake and play. If they had a screen, that would most certainly be far far more enticing than sleep. So, again, boundaries are set for bedtime. Once they have brushed their teeth, it is reading and bed. It is usually once chapter read to them and they have water should they want any. Snacks are not allowed once they have gone up - they will get them any time in the evening before. They know to ask earlier should they want anything.

When I read some of the posts (thankfully minority) justifying the demands, it is extremely clear why there are other threads about the strict rules in senior schools. These rules have been set in response to increasing numbers of children who have grown up with zero boundaries and every action being justified by 'why shouldn't they be able to?'

Hopefully she will grow out of it - some children are born like that. You can't do anything with it, she is 6. You should have dealt with it earlier, but take heart, if you did not teach her to do it, life will. She will understand one day.

She's learnt is she screams enough she gets what she wants so you need to break that cycle. Its hard but you just have to stick to saying no and consequences.
I have a DS 7, setting expectations at the start of things works well. He now knows he has to eat what is on his plate before he get anymore. If dinner isn't finished no pudding or sweet. Don't get me wrong, we have days where he will fight at every point. But 90% of the time now as we don't give in eventually he will do as we ask.

Well possibly. Neither you nor I know the child or the OP so it's a guess. To me it sounds like the child is asking for boundaries, and help managing emotions.

I was told to ensure they are safe, don't make eye contact, turn your back, walk away and ignore until she stops, no matter how long it takes!!!!

Do NOT give in as the. she's won and she will continue!

If she knows she can't get her own way it WILL stop.

Maybe best to do this for the first time when she's no school the next day!

I would consider the phone situation. Children become addicted to playing games on the phone. Your dd could be associating you with having control over when she gets to play games on it. Her frustrated reactions are possibly tied up with not having the phone so she takes it out on other things when deep down it's this that's involved in her frustration. I'm not saying it's the answer but I'd definitely consider it. I'm guessing her worst reactions are when she is denied the phone. Try weaning her off it by introducing other forms of entertainment and see how she gets on. An example is giving her the phone at certain times and for an agreed time & no longer.It will cause havoc at first but it will get better.