Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

[whatswiththerain]

We are so exhausted with it. We put her to bed and she (dd6) will demand a drink/snack/toy/phone and scream for hours refusing to go to bed until she gets what she wants.
Of course we try not to give in but she won't stop and there gets a point where we can't take any more and give in so when we try and be stronger the next time she just fights for longer.
It's every night and bedtime is just an example, tonight she had spaghetti bolognaise and wanted cheese on top she got that and ate the cheese first and screamed and refused to eat anymore without more cheese.
If we give a consequence she'll scream and scream about it and as much as we know giving in is the problem, it's become so much of a problem that it takes over the whole evening and nighttime until we are so exhausted with her we just have to give in because we have no energy left and need to go to bed.
I know we've done this ourselves but I don't know to change it now it's done.

It's really not about cheese.

I agree with you that the child needs to be heard. That'd what it's about. A child asking to be parented, for her parents to put boundaries in place and listen to her. The cheese is irrelevant.

Go back and read your comments. Stop making excuses. Cancel the friend on Saturday. Make sure you tell the child's mum when she is there and explain why. Parent your child. Every tantrum has a consequence. Don't try and reason with her. Explain when she's calm the new routine, ignore her screams. Make sure not to give in. She will give it up very quickly. If she is acting up outside, take her straight home. Never batgin with her. Your the parent remember that. Good luck. Been there too.

At this age, is it really not possible to have a proper conversation about it all when she is calm and happy? Talking about what triggers her behaviours and how it makes you feel?

Maybe she can be given responsibility to think of some strategies as to how to avoid these things happening. It can’t be much fun for her either. If there is any way of her becoming an active part of the solution and treating her as somebody with useful opinions and ideas, that might help? Good luck.

So holier than thou. God knows, I've pulled my hair out at some parenting points on MN, but there is no need to be so prissy about other's parenting when they are asking for help.
The OP acknowledged they had made this rod for their back, but was looking for help to rectify
Is your house little and on a prairie?

You're advocating child abuse. Never any excuse not to feed a child, come on now.

@ThePrologue

I am addressing another poster. As you can see from my previous posts I actually believe the OP can turn this around with her daughter. I certainly wish her well with that.

I'm aware that parenting is hard as I am a parent. I just choose not to take the easy route, unlike PP who thinks it's fine to give in to every demand or fire them an iPad to keep them quiet. I think this is terrible advice to OP.

Then as everyone else is saying you need to retrain her thoughts process that she gets her way because you do give in. So stop giving in. Once it clicks she doesn't get her way she will stop using her energy on the tantrums.

Doesn't sound like Little House on the Prairie to me , sounds like a normal household.

Yeah, listening to children is an art! That's great that she's starting there to try to ask for your help to handle her emotions.

It sounds to me like she needs first of all firm boundaries. She needs you to say 'no'. It's frightening for a child to feel that they are in charge. She wants to know that you are in charge, as her parent and carer.

So this is her asking you to put that boundary in place. This is your cue to say 'no'. You can say it gently and kindly but firmly. No.phone.

She will test to see.if this boundary is firm. If it is then she may test to see if she can safely express her feelings. She's six, she may not want to chat about her inner world. She may want to cry her head off, or rage, or say she hates you. Children are making sense of the world, they are often irrational and they cam have very 'big feelings' that scare them. You are there to show them its okay to feel them and that you will keep them safe as they do so.

This is the hard bit. You need to make it clear she can feel however she feels, but is not allowed to hurt herself.or you. Then you stay with her and hold space and allow her to weep or rage or whatever. The hard part is staying calm! It can be very difficult to allow out child to process emotions.

This may take a bit of time, but if you can allow her to express herself in the manner.she needs to, in.the context of a defined space and time, this can.be transformative.

You're doing great, OP. Parenting is hard! Take care and good luck.

I’m sorry I haven’t RTFT but very quickly OP I suggest you look at Aha Parenting for dealing with toddler tantrums. Yes she is 6 but you need to go right back and reset everything and probably the best way to do that is to employ the techniques that you really should’ve been using from age 1. But no matter. Good luck OP.

Four pronged approach

1. Pick your battles. This is going to be hard work so start with the big things (figure it out with DH what these will be - I would gently suggest cheese isn’t on the list but get rid of the screens ASAP)
2. When she starts screaming, empathise with the emotion but do not give in
3. Wish fulfilment - you would probably love to have all the cheese in the world on your pasta! Imagine our whole kitchen was overflowing with cheese! I do this with kids at work all the time and it works brilliantly, usually ends up in giggles.
4. Loads and loads of love, reassurance, cuddles.

@Spirallingdownwards

Doesn't sound like Little House on the Prairie to me , sounds like a normal household.

Precisely. It seems some people think that if your house isn't chaos at bedtime then you must live in the Little House on the Prairie, rather than, you know, simply be parenting your children.

Lots of great advice here but to zone in on one point - no 6 year old needs a phone, SIM or no SIM. get rid

Be aware that when you start to enforce rules and not give in to her screaming, she will get worse before she gets better. Good luck and stay strong I really feel for you. You are doing the right thing tackling this now and not just letting it go.
We did something at night with our kids that seemed to help them to talk to us about things.
The would tell us something that went well, something that didn't go well and something they could have done differently, each night while lying on the bed with them. It's quite distracting, gets them talking and became a good end to the day.

Does your DD have a phone? Honestly, any behavioural issues I’d be looking at that first. A 6 year old shouldn’t have a phone. Take it away and don’t give it back. Brick phone at 11/12 if she needs it

What's with the plugs for Gabor Mate. Self help guru complete with cult like following? No thanks. 🙄

You seriously believe that a 6 year old is capable of intentional MANIPULATION?

This 6 year old has learned how to get exactly what she wants, every time. She KNOWS she can scream and yell until mummy and daddy give in. It's really that simple. It always pays off for her so why would she not do it? 🤷‍♀️

So much focus on cheese! Seriously, it's not about the cheese however, seeing as so many seem obsessed with the cheese, I'll throw in my thoughts 😂
OP, I would have put an amount of cheese in a bowl with the clear instruction that THIS is how much cheese we are having with dinner and let her apply it as she wished. There would be no more cheese after that because I had given clear expectations/boundaries.
You have to stop enabling this behaviour. She needs to know what to expect at the outset, with an opportunity at that point for her to have some input if appropriate. When everyone is clear about boundaries, they must be upheld. No giving in because she's learnt that your boundaries are completely non existent.

It is doing her NO favours to allow this behaviour to continue. This lesson she has learnt will stay with her. Behave in this way and you'll get what you want. Clearly she's not going to be screaming and yelling to get her way as a teen/adult but she'll have the skills to apply other methods by then. Seriously, pretty sure we've all come across teens/ adults who we can safely assume were never told no as a child. The entitlement it brings is not a great quality.

Why are you capping the amount of cheese she has on her meal?

The other problem is down to molly-coddling and not being authoritarian enough.

Today is a new day. The first day of your new resolve. GOOD LUCK OP. Give us an update later!

She needs clear rules and boundaries. Don’t have too many rules (pick your battles) Pick a day when she is happy and calm. Come down to her height/eye level and set out the rules and boundaries. Explain why those rules are in place rather than just a no. Something she can understand at her age. Make sure she knows the rules comes from a place of love/safety and caring for her. Sit down and write them out together including the consequences. Explain that you will not interact with her when she is screaming and you need to protect your ears from the noise. Make sure you follow trough. When she kicks off refer back to her own list of rules she wrote and agreed to. Remind her what the consequence is if she continues, remind her you will not interact with her until she has calmed down. Put some ear defenders on and walk away

This is really excellent advice.

Hi op, hope you've had a good night sleep and feel ready to take on the day!

My son is nearly 5 and awaiting an ASD assessment, he has some additional needs which means he's not safe to be left alone if awake at night (which unfortunately is often, although not as frequent as it used to be)

We have to have really consistent expectations and boundaries with him or it's just chaos. If things "slip" because we're all shattered, we've been ill, holidays etc we always need to take a big breath and re set/start again. It really does work.

He's not got a tablet or phone but does watch telly - proper programmes with a storyline, no YouTube and no telly after tea. Consistent so he knows.

He can be very stubborn - we make our lives easier by cutting stuff out so it's not available to be a battle. When he was 3 he got fixated on ice cream over the summer. Absolutely obsessed. So one day we said after the last one had gone, we weren't having it in the house. It's been almost 2 years since we've had it in our freezer! He has one when we're out and about or at my parents but he knows it's not at home so it's not a battle.

Just set boundaries you're comfortable with and stick to them - no telly after tea, this bowl of cheese for your pasta but once it's gone it's gone. If she only eats the cheese it's fine, but nothing else until supper.

Hold your boundaries OP. You’ve created her expectation that screaming will get her what she wants. It’s not going to be fun resetting that expectation but she’ll be a lot happier once you do. So will your household and her older sibling.

Give her choices between stuff that doesn’t matter. Ie water or squash, biscuit or cake etc, reading or toys after school etc

Take the phone away.

I'd be getting rid of the phone altogether, she is far too little for it plus she needs to connect with her family by the sounds of it and she's delaying bedtime to get that connection.

I'd have given her a small bowl of cheese at dinner time and let her add it as she pleases, but be clear that was the last of it before she starts.

Firm, clear expectations and boundaries. You don't need to shout and punish, just hold the boundary and acknowledge her upset at it. It will take time to undo the behaviours she's displaying now but it will come in time.

Hope today goes well OP, good luck with the new start!

Absolutely this, my sil is 40 and still behaves like this & mil runs around trying to accommodate her.

Sil does not have SEN but learnt very early in life that screaming & tantrums works for her. She is an independent, professional woman with a nasty diva streak & unsurprisingly still single.

Is this what you want for your daughter?

The phone is a massive problem. Massive. There is zero reason for a 6 year old to have a phone and I am not a strict parent by any means. It needs to go. Now.